The Ten

Commandments
of Change
Excerpt from the book
“What to Say to Get What You Want”

Yousef AlMulla
YAM 2006
1
Expect the Best
• Never negotiate excellence. You deserve to be the
best you can be. If others prevent you from
achieving your best, you must help them realize that
both of you suffer by settling for mediocrity. You
never achieve your potential by accepting "Good
enough," "What's the use of trying?" "It's not gonna
make any difference anyway," or, "What else can you
expect from those kind of people?" You will never
get what you want to get if you accept your current
state as the best you'll ever get, or if you allow
others to give you less than they are capable of
giving.
1
Expect the Best
The Essence of the First Commandment
• Stop Living in the Past
• Commit Yourself to Personal Development Goals
• Don't Accept Excuses Without Solutions
• Set Goals that Force People to Expand
• Provide Coaching to Help Others Achieve Their Goals
• Recognize that Your Biases Are Self­ Destructive
• Exercise Your Rights In What to Expect from Others

If you always do what you've always done,

you'll always get what you've always got.
ANONYMOUS
2 Listen Before Talking;
Think Before Acting
• Your ear keeps your foot out of your mouth.
Ask questions; listen to the answers. Find out
what people want and why they want it.
Think about the consequences of your actions
before you speak and before you act. Put
yourself in other people's shoes in order to
anticipate their reactions. You can move
people by understanding why they believe
what they believe, and then adapting your
message to accommodate that belief. You
can't achieve this goal if you're not listening
to them or if you're acting irrationally.
2 Listen Before Talking;
Think Before Acting
The Essence of the 2nd Commandment
• Change your attitude toward listening.
• Practice active listening.
• Control your anger and frustration.
• Anticipate the consequences of your actions.

To say the right thing at the right time,

keep still most of the time.
JOHN W. ROPER
3
Get to the Point

• A common reason why we fail to move

people is that we don't tell them where
we want them to go. Don't hint or beat
around the bush. Make certain you know
what you want and why you want it. Get
feedback from others on your
motivation. Meet with the person, state
the problem, listen to explanations, and
ask for the change you want.
3
Get to the Point
The Essence of the 3rd Commandment
• Picture the change you want.
• Know why you want the change.
• Get feedback on your motivation, your goals, and your
strategy.
• State the problem to the person.
• Listen to explanations.
• Ask for the change you want.

Tact is the art of making a point

without making an enemy.
4 Change What They Do,
Not Who They Are
• Attitudes may cause behavior, but
they are difficult, if not impossible,
to change. However, almost any new
behavior that is repeated twenty-
one times becomes a habit. And that
habit eventually begins to generate
a new attitude that reinforces the
behavior.
4 Change What They Do,
Not Who They Are
The Essence of the 4th Commandment
• Target the behavior for change.
• Let behavior change the attitude
• Condemn deeds, not doers.
• State your feelings non-punitively.
• Contract for improved performance.

You will never turn a man-eating tiger into a vegetarian, but

the tiger can be trained to refrain from eating his trainer.
That the tiger may still want to eat the trainer is less
important than the fact that he refrains from doing so.
5 Model the Behavior
You Desire
• Never send contradictory signals. Mean
what you say; say what you mean; do
what you say. Words contradicted by
actions are hollow. You move others by
being totally consistent in what you ask
them to do, as well as how you ask them
to do it. Carefully examine the role you
may be playing in unconsciously
reinforcing the behavior you are trying to
change. Don't reinforce the behavior by
enabling the person to perpetuate it.
5 Model the Behavior
You Desire
The Essence of the 5th Commandment
• Carefully examine your motives and goals.
• Stop enabling the behavior you're trying to change.
• Realize that everything you do is a signal.
• Realize that everything you say is a signal.

How can you say to your neighbor,

"Let me take the speck out of your eye,"
while the log is in your own eye?
6 Adapt Your Approach
to the Person
• Direct your attention to the behavior you
want to change without concern for
protecting your ego. Empower people to
comply with your wishes by being kind to
them, listening to them, acknowledging
their feelings, addressing their needs,
and admitting your blame. Be flexible
and confident enough to respond to
people according to their particular
behavior.
6 Adapt Your Approach
to the Person
The Essence of the 6th Commandment
• Focus on behavior-not your ego.
• Empower people to change their difficult behavior.
• Know the different types of difficult people.

What a man really means when he says that

someone else can be persuaded by force is he himself
is incapable of more rational means of communication.
7 Provide for Dignity
and Self-Respect
• We all have the need and the right to
feel good about ourselves. When we
violate this right, we fail to move others-
or else we move them in unintended and
unwanted directions. When people are
belittled or degraded, they find ways to
retaliate or sabotage our efforts.
7 Provide for Dignity
and Self-Respect
The Essence of the 7th Commandment
• Examine the roots of your dignity-robbing behavior.
• View others as integral to your success.
• Allow others to save face.
• Treat people as if they're special-they are.

The art of managing people is

stepping on their toes without
messing up their shine.
8
Appeal to Self-Interest

• Provide reasons for changing that make

sense to the person you are trying to
change. How will the person benefit from
adopting your position? What are the
costs or consequences of not changing?
People move when they believe it is in
their best interest to move. Failure to
appeal to their self-interest will result in
failure to influence them.
8
Expect the Best
The Essence of the 8th Commandment
• Tune in to station WII-FM.
• Recognize the needs that motivate people.
• Help the other person fill important needs.
• Don't fight needs; respond to them.
• Use ultimatums only as a last resort.

People don't care how much you know until

they know how much you care.
9
Rejoice at Success
• Be happy when other people change in
response to your needs. Don't allow your
sense of entitlement to prevent you from
rejoicing at their success. Look for
opportunities to acknowledge the
improvements of others. Look for the
good before you look for the bad. When
you find it, praise performances more
than you praise people. Say how you feel
about their efforts, and thank them.
9
Rejoice at Success
The Essence of the 9th Commandment
• Anticipate opportunities to praise.
• Praise the behavior-not the person.
• Say how you feel about the new behavior.

The deepest principle of Human Nature

is the craving to be appreciated.
10 Cut Your Losses with Remorse,
Not Guilt
• Have realistic expectations of what you
can accomplish in changing the behavior
of others. Don't accept guilt for the
failings of other people; instead, leave
the responsibility for change with them.
Give them enough time to change, but if
they don't, distance yourself mentally
and physically.
10 Cut Your Losses with Remorse,
Not Guilt
The Essence of the 10th Commandment
• Put the responsibility for change on others.
• Give others enough time to change.
• Distance yourself mentally and physically.
• Get help.
• Give yourself credit for what you accomplished.

Give us serenity to accept what cannot be changed,

courage to change what should be changed,
and wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.
End