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Statement of Revision

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87 views

Statement of Revision

Uploaded by

api-248312430
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
Available Formats
Download as DOCX, PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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Ever Andujo

Eng. 101- 004


Clare Russell
05-08-14
Statement of Revision

Taking on the final portfolio I decided to edit my first Major Writing Assignment.
The assignment was to review the differences between smartphones and regular phones. I
choose to re-edit and do a multimodal revision on this assignment because it was my first
major assignment and also thought it would have been fun for me to do.
In my revision I decided to add to some points within the essay like the negative
side of smartphones and some statistics on Smartphone brands. To make my essay better
as a whole I decided to address the negative side of smartphones. The paragraph focuses
on how smartphones can take away social time and deprive people of fun experiences.
This paragraphs purpose was to allow a view on what the other position of the subject
matter. To counter argue the opposite side, I began by explaining societies attitudes and
lifestyles and how their main focus was on their phones. Addressing the other side and
counter arguing that statement made my paper sound stronger by presenting the negatives
of phones but countering how they are necessary in our society.
I added another paragraph about the different types of phones. A smart phone is
not just one standard phone; therefore the variety of phone makes my argument stronger.
Every person has to make choices in their lifetime, those who are in college are especially
pondering the choices that they must make in order to be happy. The variety of smart
phones give people the chance to get the phone that fits most of their needs. I also
incorporated a new web source that explained the correlation between smart phones and
college students. The site potentially advocated for smartphones and had a completely
similar view that I had.


2
Looking back at my first paper, I noticed that there were a couple of grammar
mistakes. My tone in the paper was to address those who are in college. I kept the tone
because this paper relates to those who are in college. Instead I decided to rearrange and
restructure some paragraphs.
In the multimodal revision, I took a PowerPoint and incorporated pictures,
main points. When adding the pictures I decided to take some pictures relating to the
smart phones. I basically took what I wrote in my paper and changed some sentences to
make it sound a little more fluent and more presentational. I took PowerPoint and made
slides according to what I was going to write about. While considering my discourse
community of college students I wanted to sound semi-formal. The power point had to be
within the length of five minutes so I adjusted my slides accordingly to accommodate
those requirements. Essentially, I wanted to make this multimodal revision sort of like a
commercial. To add to that commercial feel I added some background music that could
be heard if attentive enough but not to loud to be distracting.
To conclude, doing this for my final portfolio allowed me to make my work
stronger as a whole.

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