Examples of the Standards for Students Writing 2010

English Language Arts Grade 9

Narrative / Essay Writing

Contacts
Learner Assessment Achievement Testing Branch Phone OR toll-free FAX Mailing Address 780-427-0010 310-0000, then dial or ask for 780-427-0010 780-422-4474 Alberta Education Box 43 44 Capital Boulevard 10044 108 Street NW Edmonton, Alberta T5J 5E6

E-mail Addresses Achievement Testing Branch Director Grade 9 Humanities Examination Manager Grade 9 Humanities Examiner Other Information Follow these steps for easy access to the Alberta Education website: Step 1: Type education.alberta.ca Step 2: Click on Teachers Step 3: Under Additional Programs and Services, click on Provincial Testing Step 4: Under School and School Authority Results, click on Achievement Tests On the Achievement Tests web page, there is a specific link to Subject Bulletins. These bulletins provide students and teachers with information about the achievement tests scheduled for the current school year. Please share the contents of the Grade 9 English Language Arts Subject Bulletin with your students. Also on this web page is a specific link to Examples of the Standards for Students Writing. These samples are intended to be used to enhance students writing and to assist teachers inassessing student writing relative to the standards embedded in the scoring criteria in thescoring guides.
Copyright 2010, the Crown in Right of Alberta, as represented by the Minister of Education, Alberta Education, Learner Assessment, 44 Capital Boulevard, 10044 108 Street NW, Edmonton, Alberta T5J 5E6, and its licensors. All rights reserved. Special permission is granted to Alberta educators only to reproduce, for educational purposes and on a non-profit basis, parts of this document that do not contain excerpted material. Excerpted material in this document shall not be reproduced without the written permission of the original publisher (see credits, where applicable).

Ken Marcellus Harvey Stables Maureen Milne

[email protected] [email protected] [email protected]

Table of Contents
Acknowledgements...............................................................................................................1 Introduction...........................................................................................................................2 Maintaining Consistent Standards........................................................................................4 Local Marking. ......................................................................................................................5 Scoring Guide: Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment. ........................................................7 Part A: Writing Description and Instructions. .................................................................12 Assignment I: Narrative/Essay Writing............................................................................13 Observations from Standards Confirmation and Central Marking 2010............................15 Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Essay)............................................................................21 Rationale for Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Essay)......................................................24 Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Narrative)......................................................................27 Rationale for Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Narrative)................................................30 Student Exemplar Proficient (Essay)...............................................................................33 Rationale for Student Exemplar Proficient (Essay).........................................................38 Student Exemplar Proficient (Narrative). .........................................................................41 Rationale for Student Exemplar Proficient (Narrative). ...................................................45 Student Exemplar Excellent (Essay). ...............................................................................48 Rationale for Student Exemplar Excellent (Essay). .........................................................52 Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)..........................................................................56 Rationale for Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)....................................................63 Appendix: Marker Training Papers....................................................................................67 Marker Training Paper A (Essay).......................................................................................68 Rationale for Marker Training Paper A (Essay).................................................................71 Marker Training Paper B (Narrative)..................................................................................73 Rationale for Marker Training Paper B (Narrative)............................................................77

Acknowledgements
Publication of this document would not have been possible without the permission of the students whose writing is presented. The cooperation of these students has allowed Alberta Education both to continue defining the standards of writing performance expected in connection with achievement tests and to continue demonstrating approaches taken by students in their writing. This document includes the valuable contributions of many educators. Sincere thanks and appreciation are extended to the following teachers who served as members of the respective working groups: Exemplar SelectionCharlene Baxter, Lori Bradford, Pat Galandie, AnnGibbs, Angie Hryhoryshyn, Susan Lee, and Sherry Lefebvre; Exemplar Validation RuthBernadas-Tymko, Rachel Booker, Nicole Orr, Gary Perfect, Marcie Perdue, Tracy Melnyk, Beth Worsfold, and Kalinda Wiebe; and Standards ConfirmationMelissaDeStefanisKing, KatherynGoods, SharonMacFadyen, Charl MacPherson, Paul Monaghan, Laurie Paddock, Derek Peddle, and Heather Scott. We gratefully acknowledge the contributions made by members of the Achievement Testing Branch and the Document Design and Desktop Publishing Unit of Learner Assessment, Alberta Education.

Introduction
The written responses in this document are examples of Grade 9 English Language Arts writing that meet or exceed the acceptable standard for student achievement. Along with the commentaries that accompany them, they should help teachers and students to understand the standards for the Grade 9 English Language Arts Part A: Writing Achievement Test in relation to the scoring criteria. The purpose of the sample responses is to illustrate the standards that governed the 2010 marking session and that anchor the selection of similar sample responses for marking sessions in subsequent years. The sample papers and commentaries were used to train markers to apply the scoring criteria consistently and to justify their decisions about scores in terms of each students work and the scoring criteria. The sample responses included in this document represent a very small sample of successful approaches to the Narrative / Essay Writing Assignment. Cautions 1.  The commentaries are brief. The commentaries were written for groups of markers to discuss and apply during the marking session. Although brief, they provide a model for relating specific examples from student work to the details in a specific scoring criterion. 2. N  either the scoring guide nor the assignment is meant to limit students to a single organizational or rhetorical approach in completing any achievement test assignment. Students must be free to select and organize their material in a manner that they feel will enable them to best present their ideas. In fact, part of what is being assessed is the final effectiveness of the content, the form and structure, and the rhetorical choices that students make. The student writing in this document illustrates just a few of the many successful organizational and rhetorical strategies used by students. We strongly recommend that you caution your students that there is no preferred approach to an assignment except that which enables the student to communicate his or her own ideas about the topic effectively. We advise you not to draw any conclusions about common patterns of approach taken by students. 3. T  he sample papers presented in this document must not be used as models for instructional purposes. Because these papers are only illustrations of sample responses to a set topic, students must be cautioned neither to memorize their content nor to use them when either completing classroom assignments or writing future achievement tests. The approaches taken by students at the standard of excellence, not their words or ideas, are what students being examined in the future should emulate. In fact, it is hoped that the variety of approaches presented here will inspire students to experiment with diction, syntax, and form and structure as a way of developing an individual voice and engaging the reader in ideas and forms that the student has considered. Examination markers and staff at Alberta Education take plagiarism and cheating seriously.

Introduction
4. I  t is essential that each of these examples of student writing be considered in light of the constraints of the examination situation. Under examination conditions, students produce first-draft writing. Given more time, they would be expected to produce papers of considerably improved quality, particularly in the dimensions of Sentence Structure, Vocabulary, and Conventions. 5. F  or further information regarding student performance on Part A: Writing of the Grade 9 English Language Arts Achievement Test, access the Grade 9 English Language Arts 2010 Assessment Highlights document that is posted on the Alberta Education website. Suggestions To provide each paper with the most accurate and impartial judgment possible, use only the scoring criteria and the standards set by the Exemplars and Rationales. Each student is a person trying to do his or her very best. All students are completely reliant on your careful, professional consideration of their work. Markers are responsible for reviewing and internalizing the scoring criteria and their application to student writing applying the scoring criteria impartially, independently, and consistently to all papers  refraining from marking a response if personal biasessuch as the students handwriting, development of topic, idiosyncrasies of voice, and/or political or religious preference interfere with an impartial judgment of the response ensuring that every paper is scored fairly according to the scoring criteria in accordance with the standards reflected in the Exemplars and Rationales The scores awarded to students papers must be based solely on the scoring criteria with reference to the Exemplars and Rationales. Fairness to all students is the most important requirement of the marking process. To facilitate fair and valid assessment of all student work during both local and central marking, teachers must not mark or write in student booklets. Teacher-created scoring sheets, which may be used during local marking, are not to be included in student test booklets. To assess locally those students with special test-writing needs, specifically a scribed response (test accommodation 5) or a taped response (test accommodation 10), teachers are to refrain from scoring Conventions for Assignment I: Narrative / Essay Writing as well as Content Management for Assignment II: Functional Writing. Please feel free to contact Learner Assessment staff members to discuss any questions or concerns.

Maintaining Consistent Standards

For all achievement test scoring sessions, teacher working groups for Exemplar Selection, Exemplar Validation, and Standards Confirmation are used both to establish expectations for student work in relation to the scoring criteria and to ensure scoring consistency within and between marking sessions. These working groups are crucial to ensuring that marks are valid, reliable, and fair measures of student achievement. Exemplar Selection Working Group Exemplars are selections of student work, taken from field tests, that best illustrate the scoring criteria. The Exemplar Selection Working Group is composed of experienced teachers representing various regions of the province who read a large sample of students written responses. Working-group members select responses that best match the established standards in the Exemplars and Rationales from the previous marking session. The working group then writes Rationales that explain the relationship between each Exemplar and the scoring criteria in each scoring category. The same process also occurs at this time in the selection of Training Papers. These papers are selected to illustrate characteristics of student work that might not be covered in the Exemplars and that might lead to inconsistent judgments or marking difficulties. While Exemplars usually receive consistent scores across all categories, Training Papers may not. This is due to the reality that students rarely perform with equal ability in every scoring category, as well as to the necessity of evaluating each scoring category as a distinct skill area. Exemplar Validation Working Group The Exemplar Validation Working Group, another group of experienced teachers from various provincial regions, reviews and approves the Exemplars, Training Papers, and Rationales that have been prepared for markers. The working group ensures that the Rationales accurately reflect the standards embedded in the descriptors in the Scoring Guide while verifying that appropriate and accurate references have been made to student work. Working-group members also strive to ensure that there is clarity within the Rationales. Standards Confirmation Working Group Teachers from throughout the province who serve on the Standards Confirmation Working Group read a large sample of student responses to Part A: Writing to confirm the appropriateness of the standards set by the test when compared with actual student work on the Achievement Test. The working group ensures that the Exemplars, Training Papers, and Rationales are appropriate for central marking. Working-group members also select student responses that are to be used for daily Reliability Reviews. Once a day, all markers score a copy of the same student paper for inter-rater reliability. Reliability Reviews confirm that all markers are consistently awarding scores that accurately reflect the standards embedded in the scoring criteria. Working groups for Exemplar Selection, Exemplar Validation, and Standards Confirmation are part of a complex set of processes that have evolved over the years of Achievement Test administration. These teacher working groups are crucial to ensuring that standards are consistently and fairly applied to student work.

Local Marking
Classroom teachers are encouraged to assess students writing, using the Scoring Guides, Exemplars, and Rationales that are sent to the schools along with the Part A: Writing tests, before returning the tests to Alberta Education. All papers are scored centrally in Edmonton in July. Scores awarded locally can be submitted to Alberta Education, where they will be used as the first reading of a students response. Local markers are to use the For Teacher Use Only section on the back of each Part A: Writing test booklet to record their scores by filling in the appropriate circles. The School Code and Accommodations Used sections should also be completed (see accommodations in the General Information Bulletin for information). If a teacher wants to know how his or her locally awarded scores compare with the scores that the tests received when scored centrally, then he or she must create a three-digit identification number and enter it in the section labelled ID No. on the back of each student booklet. No two teachers from the same school should create and use the same ID number. No other marks are to be made in the test booklet by the teacher. Tests are to be returned to Alberta Education according to the scheduling information in the online General Information Bulletin. The tests will then be scored centrally by Alberta Education as the second reading. Both sets of scores are used when calculating each students final mark. In the case of a discrepancy between these two sets of scores, papers will receive a third reading, which will determine the final scores that a paper is awarded. In this way, valid and reliable individual and group results can be reported. Papers that are not assessed locally by teachers will be scored centrally only once. After central marking has been completed and school reports have been sent to the schools, teachers who submitted their scores with an ID number will receive a confidential report on their marking. This report is called the Local Marker Report and includes the locally awarded scores, centrally awarded scores, third-read scores if applicable, and the final scores assigned. Teachers may make photocopies of student writing from only the English Language Arts PartA: Writing tests for inclusion in portfolios of the years work. Copies can be made for parents who request them. The Exemplars of student writing and the corresponding Rationales in this document exemplify the standards inherent in the scoring criteria. The levels of student achievement in the scoring guides are identified by specific words to describe student achievement in each scoring category. Classroom teachers are encouraged to discuss and use the scoring criteria with their students during the year. To determine a students mark, convert the word descriptors to the following numeric values: Excellent = 5, Proficient = 4, Satisfactory = 3, Limited = 2, Poor = 1.

Local Marking
A total score for a students written response may be calculated by a teacher using the following procedure. For the Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment, assign a score of 1 to 5 for each of Content, Organization, Sentence Structure, Vocabulary, and Conventions. Then, multiply the scores for Content and Organization by 2 as these categories are worth twice as much as the other categories. The maximum score possible for Narrative/Essay Writing is 35. For the Functional Writing Assignment, assign a score of 1 to 5 for each of Content and Content Management. Then, multiply these scores by 2. The maximum score possible for Functional Writing is 20. To calculate the Total Part A: Writing Score, add the Narrative/Essay Writing and Functional Writing scores as follows: Narrative/Essay Writing /35 (63.6%) + Functional Writing /20 (36.4%) = Total Score /55 (100%). The mark for Part A: Writing is worth 50% of the total mark for the Grade 9 English Language Arts Achievement Test. Because students responses to the Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment vary widelyfrom philosophical discussions to personal narratives to creative approachesassessment of the Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment on the achievement test will be in the context of Louise Rosenblatts suggestion that the evaluation of the answers would be in terms of the amount of evidence that the youngster has actually read something and thought about it, not a question of whether, necessarily, he has thought about it the way an adult would, or given an adults correct answer.
Rosenblatt, Louise. The Readers Contribution in the Literary Experience: Interview with Louise Rosenblatt. By Lionel Wilson. English Quarterly 14, no. 1 (Spring, 1981): 312.

Consider also Grant P. Wiggins suggestion to assess students writing with the tact of Socrates: tact to respect the students ideas enough to enter them fullyeven more fully than the thinker sometimesand thus the tact to accept apt but unanticipatable or unique responses.
Wiggins, Grant P. Assessing Student Performance: Exploring the Purpose and Limits of Testing. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1993, p. 40.

To facilitate fair and valid assessment of all students during both local and central marking, teachers must not mark or write in student booklets. Teacher-created scoring sheets, which may be used during local marking, are not to be included in student test booklets. To assess locally those students with special test-writing needs, specifically a scribed response (test accommodation 5) or a taped response (test accommodation 10), teachers are to refrain from scoring Conventions for Assignment I: Narrative/Essay Writing as well as Content Management for Assignment II: Functional Writing.

Scoring Guide: Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment

Content Focus When marking Content appropriate for the Grade 9 Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment, the marker should consider how effectively the student explores the topic establishes a purpose presents ideas Excellent supports the response considers the reader

The students exploration of the topic is insightful and/or imaginative. The students purpose, whether stated or implied, is deliberate. The ideas presented by the student are perceptive and/or carefully chosen. Supporting details are precise and/or original. The writing is confident and/or creative and holds the readers interest. The students exploration of the topic is adept and/or plausible. The students purpose, whether stated or implied, is intentional. The ideas presented by the student are thoughtful and/or sound. Supporting details are specific and/or apt. The writing is considered and/or elaborated and draws the readers interest. The students exploration of the topic is clear and/or logical. The students purpose, whether stated or implied, is evident. The ideas presented by the student are appropriate and/or predictable. Supporting details are relevant and/or generic. The writing is straightforward and/or generalized and occasionally appeals to the readers interest. The students exploration of the topic is tenuous and/or simplistic. The students purpose, whether stated or implied, is vague. The ideas presented by the student are superficial and/or ambiguous. Supporting details are imprecise and/or abbreviated. The writing is uncertain and/or incomplete and does not appeal to the readers interest. The students exploration of the topic is minimal and/or tangential. The students purpose, whether stated or implied, is insubstantial. The ideas presented by the student are overgeneralized and/or underdeveloped. Supporting details are irrelevant and/or scant. The writing is confusing and/or lacks validity and does not interest the reader. The marker can discern no evidence of an attempt to address the task presented in the assignment, or the student has written so little that it is not possible to assess Content.

Proficient

Pf S

Satisfactory

Limited

L P

Poor

INS

Insufficient

Note: Content and Organization are weighted to be worth twice as much as the other scoring categories.

Student work must address the task presented in the assignment. Responses that are completely unrelated to the topic and/or prompts will be awarded a score of Insufficient. 7

Scoring Guide: Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment

Organization Focus When marking Organization appropriate for the Grade 9 Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment, the marker should consider how effectively the writing demonstrates focus coherent order connections between events and/or details closure

Excellent

The introduction is engaging and skillfully establishes a focus that is consistently sustained. Events and/or details are developed in a judicious order, and coherence is maintained. Transitions, either explicit or implicit, fluently connect events and/or details within sentences and/or between paragraphs. Closure is effective and related to the focus. The introduction is purposeful and clearly establishes a focus that is capably sustained. Events and/or details are developed in a sensible order, and coherence is generally maintained. Transitions, either explicit or implicit, clearly connect events and/or details within sentences and/or between paragraphs. Closure is appropriate and related to the focus. The introduction is functional and establishes a focus that is generally sustained. Events and/or details are developed in a discernible order, although coherence may falter occasionally. Transitions, either explicit or implicit, tend to be mechanical and are generally used to connect events and/or details within sentences and/or between paragraphs. Closure is related to the focus and is mechanical and/or artificial. The introduction lacks purpose and/or is not functional; any focus established provides little direction and/or is not sustained. The development of events and/or details is not clearly discernible, and coherence falters frequently. Transitions, either explicit or implicit, are lacking and/or indiscriminately used to connect events and/or details within sentences and/or between paragraphs. Closure is abrupt, contrived, and/or unrelated to the focus. The introduction, if present, is obscure and/or ineffective; any focus established provides no direction and/or is undeveloped. The development of events and/or details is haphazard and/or incoherent. Transitions, either explicit or implicit, are absent and/or inappropriately used to connect events and/or details within sentences and/or between paragraphs. Closure is ineffectual or missing. The response has been awarded an INS for Content.

Proficient

Pf S

Satisfactory

Limited

L P

Poor

INS
Note: Content and Organization are weighted to be worth twice as much as the other scoring categories.

Insufficient

Scoring Guide: Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment

Sentence Structure Focus When marking Sentence Structure appropriate for the Grade 9 Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment, the marker should the extent to which sentence structure is controlled sentence type and sentence length are effective and varied sentence beginnings are varied Proportion of error to length and complexity of response must be considered. Excellent Sentence structure is effectively and consistently controlled. Sentence type and sentence length are consistently effective and varied. Sentence beginnings are consistently varied. Sentence structure is consistently controlled. Sentence type and sentence length are usually effective and varied. Sentence beginnings are often varied. Sentence structure is generally controlled, but lapses may occasionally impede meaning. Sentence type and sentence length are sometimes effective and/or varied. Some variety of sentence beginnings is evident. Sentence structure often lacks control, and this may impede meaning. Sentence type and sentence length are seldom effective and/or varied; syntactic structures are frequently awkward. There is little variety of sentence beginnings. Sentence structure generally lacks control, and this often impedes meaning. There is essentially no variation in sentence type or sentence length; syntactic structures are unintelligible. There is essentially no variety of sentence beginnings. The response has been awarded an INS for Content.

E S

Proficient

Pf L P

Satisfactory

Limited

Poor

INS

Insufficient

Scoring Guide: Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment

Vocabulary Focus When marking Vocabulary appropriate for the Grade 9 Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment, the marker should consider the accuracy of the words and expressions effectiveness of the words and expressions appropriateness and effectiveness of the voice/tone created by the student Proportion of error to length and complexity of response must be considered. Excellent Words and expressions are used accurately and deliberately. Precise words and expressions are used to create vivid images and/or to enrich details. The voice/tone created by the student is convincing. Words and expressions are often used accurately. Specific words and expressions show some evidence of careful selection and/or some awareness of connotative effect. The voice/tone created by the student is distinct. Words and expressions are generally used appropriately. General words and expressions are used adequately to clarify meaning. The voice/tone created by the student is discernible but may be inconsistent or uneven. Words and expressions are often used inexactly. Imprecise words and expressions predominate; specific words, if present, may be improperly used. The voice/tone created by the student is not clearly established or is indistinct. Words and expressions are generally used inaccurately. Ineffective words and expressions predominate; specific words, if present, are frequently misused. The voice/tone created by the student is not evident or is indiscreet. The response has been awarded an INS for Content.

E S

Proficient

Pf

Satisfactory

Limited

L P

Poor

INS
10

Insufficient

Scoring Guide: Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment

Conventions Focus When marking Conventions appropriate for the Grade 9 Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment, the marker should consider the extent to which the student has control of mechanics (spelling, punctuation, capitalization, indentation for new speakers, etc.) and usage (subject-verb agreement, pronoun-antecedent agreement, etc.) clarity and flow of the response Proportion of error to length and complexity of response must be considered. Excellent The quality of the writing is enhanced because it is essentially error-free. Any errors that are present do not reduce clarity and/or do not interrupt the flow of the response. The quality of the writing is sustained because it contains only minor convention errors. Any errors that are present rarely reduce clarity and/or seldom interrupt the flow of the response. The quality of the writing is sustained through generally correct use of conventions. Errors occasionally reduce clarity and/or sometimes interrupt the flow of the response. The quality of the writing is weakened by the frequently incorrect use of conventions. Errors blur clarity and/or interrupt the flow of the response. The quality of the writing is impaired by the consistently incorrect use of conventions. Errors severely reduce clarity and/or impede the flow of the response. The response has been awarded an INS for Content.

E S

Proficient

Pf L P

Satisfactory

Limited

Poor

INS

Insufficient

11

Part A: Writing Description and Instructions Grade 9 Achievement Test

English Language Arts Part A: Writing

Description
Part A: Writing contributes 50% of thetotal Grade9 English Language Arts Achievement Test mark and consists of two assignments: Assignment I: Narrative / Essay Writing This assignment contains some material for you to consider. You must then respond in writing to the topic presented in the assignment. You should take about 70minutes to complete AssignmentI. Value: Approximately 65% of the total PartA:Writing test mark Assignment II: Functional Writing This assignment describes a situation to which you must respond in the format of a business letter. You should take about 40 minutes to complete AssignmentII. Value: Approximately 35% of the total PartA:Writing test mark Before beginning to write, you will have 10minutes to talk with your classmates (in groups of two to four) about both writing assignments or to think about them alone. During this time, you may record your ideas on the Planning pages provided. This test was developed to be completed in two hours; however, you may take an additional 30 minutes to complete the test. Do not write your name anywhere in this booklet. You may make corrections and revisions directly on your written work.

Instructions
You may use the following print references: a dictionary (English and/or bilingual) a thesaurus Complete both assignments. Jot down your ideas and/or make aplanbefore you write. Do this on the Planningpages. Write in pencil, or blue or black ink, on thelined pages provided. You are to do only one handwritten copyof your writing.

Additional Instructions for Students Using Word Processors

Format your work using an easytoread 12-point or larger font, such as Times. Double-space your final printed copy. For the Functional Writing assignment, this should be applied to the body of the business letter but not to the other parts. Staple your printed work to the page indicated for word-processed work for each assignment. Hand in all work. Indicate in the space provided on the back cover that you have attached wordprocessed pages.

2010
12

Assignment I: Narrative/Essay Writing

(suggested time70 minutes) Assignment

Write either a narrative or an essay about the importance of being kind to others. You may write about yourself or other people, real or fictional. You may set your writing in the past, present, or future.
Ideas The following material may give you ideas for your writing. You do not have to refer directly to any of it. Consider the knowledge and experience you have gained from reading, listening, viewing, discussing, thinking, or imagining.

Dickinson, Emily. The Complete Poems of Emily Dickinson. Edited by Thomas H. Johnson. Boston: Little, Brown and Company, 1960. Guest, Edgar A. Creed. In Collected Verse of Edgar A. Guest. 7th ed. Chicago: The Reilly & Lee Co., 1943.

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Assignment I: Narrative/Essay Writing

When writing, be sure to consider your audience focus on your purpose and point of view organize your thoughts appropriately in sentences and paragraphs use vocabulary that is interesting and effective edit your work directly on your writing budget your time
Aesop. The Lion and the Mouse. Aesops Fables Lessons in Living. Translated by Samuel Croxall and Sir Roger LEstrange. With applications and morals by G. F. Townsend and L. Valentine. Fort Worth: Brownlow Publishing Company, Inc., 1969. Pope. Alexander. Universal Prayer. In The Complete Poetical Works of Alexander Pope. Cambridge Edition. Edited by Henry W. Boynton. Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1903. Sophocles. Ajax. Edited and translated by A. F. Garvie. Warminster: Aris & Phillips, 1998.

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Observations from Standards Confirmation and Central Marking 2010

Throughout the 2010 marking session, every effort was made to reward student strengths where evident rather than to consider what was missing or what a student should have added or included. When marking, markers were asked to conscientiously return to the Focus section of the scoring categories to reorient themselves to the distinctions within the scoring criteria. There are several scoring descriptors in each scoring scale in each scoring category to be assessed in order to arrive at judgments regarding the qualities of a response. Markers were encouraged to reviewat the start of each marking dayeach assignment and the prompt materials given that many students ideas regarding the topic are informed by details within the prompts. Occasionally, markers needed to re-read a response to appreciate what a student had attempted and, in fact, accomplished. All markers acknowledged that student responses are first drafts written under examination conditions. The assignment, wherein students were to Write either a narrative or an essay about the importance of being kind to others, evoked a wide variety of responses from students. Most students were able to draw upon their background knowledge and experience in order to relate the topic to their own lives, identifying situations in which kindness was extended toward or received from others. During Standards Confirmation, working-group members observed that the number of students who chose to write an essay was proportionate to the number of narrative responses at all levels of achievement. Students at all levels examined kindness in terms of behaviour that is of a friendly, generous, or caring nature. Some students explored the topic by expanding upon ideas contained in one or more of the prompts provided. The visual prompts motivated some students to either explain or recount circumstances in which an individual provides assistance to someone who is in need, volunteers to take part in an activity for the benefit of others, or acts as a mentor who willingly shares expertise with others. Other students gravitated toward the excerpts provided from literary texts and explored ideas regarding the importance of easing the pain of others, being reputed as a compassionate person, or receiving kindness in return for having been kind to others. Other ideas in many student responses centred on helping others and how being kind can have a domino effect whereby those who have been treated with kindness will then behave kindly toward others. In addition, ideas related to treating others with respect and making people feel appreciated, behaving agreeably with others and working together to achieve agoal, and being rewarded for acts of kindness and feeling good about yourself as aresult were presented. Some students focused on factors that contribute to or provide the basis for anact of kindness, whereas others addressed the resultant effects of kindness upon those who are the recipients. With varying degrees of success, students discussed the necessity of treating others as one would be treated (frequently identified as the Golden Rule), the effect upon ones karma of being kind to others, and the benefits of how those who are treated kindly pay it forward in their daily interactions with others. Many students also commented on how acts of kindness may require little effort, involve simple tasks, or occur randomly in an individuals life. Students who achieved the acceptable standard often based their responses on the premise that kindness is important and elaborated upon ideas related to bullyinghow kindness is beneficial to the individual(s) being bullied or how someone who bullies others learns the error of his or her ways. Other students discussed how kindness involves doing the right thing, considering the feelings of friends, and acknowledging the valuable role played by parents,

15

Observations from Standards Confirmation and Central Marking 2010

siblings, teachers, coaches, and community members in a persons life. Many students also referenced the benefits of offering support to organizations that provide assistance to the elderly, the poor, and those unable to care for themselves. In the vast majority of these responses, students addressed the rewards of being kind to others, for both giver and the receiver. A number of students spoke in terms of how kindness involves doing unto others what you would have them do unto you and how what comes around goes around. Many students tended to moralize from the ideas or events presented in their responses, with advice being given or a lesson provided with regard to either the perils of being unkind or the positive impact of being kind. The following excerpts illustrate some of the ideas presented by students whose writing warranted Satisfactory scores: Have you ever had a bad day and noticed your attitude affected the way others treated you? Being kind and compassionate to others is a crusial part of our society, it helps our lives run smoothly. Hence a positive attitude can help people respect you and it also helps others have a better outlook on life. Unfortently having a negative attitude can also affect the way people treat you. In the long run, being a cheerfull person will only do you benefits. Kindness. This is the word has been going through Marys head the entire day. In first block English class they had been given an assignment to characterize what kindness means to them When Mary got home she took a good long look at her English assignment. She still had no idea what kind meant. When it was almost time to go help her friend, Richard with his homework, she realized that kind was all the things she did today, helping the little boy find his home, and volunteering at the old folks home. Helping people makes life that much more easier and less stressful. When someone is in need of help, you should help him or her at the task that they might be failing to achieve. For example, if someone is trying to shovel their driveway on a very snowy day and they are having some difficulty, you could go and ask them if they need a hand, or if they would like some assistance. They are most likely to give a pleasant and respectful response, and not be rude or disrespectful to you. My parents got to the hospital, and I told them about the events of my night. They said they were very proud of me for being so brave. The young mans parents came over to thank me for saving their only sons life. After his surgery to remove the knife, they let me go in and talk to him. He told me his name, and thanked me a million times for helping him. Zack was being nice to her. He was saving Amy from being kicked out and failing the class. What did she do to deserve his kindness? / Why are you being so nice to me? she asked. / Do unto others what you have them do to you I figure maybe if Im nice to you, youll start to be nice to me. Though, Im starting to doubt that. / Amy realized at that moment that Zack had always been kind to her. She had never returned the favour. Hesitantly, she said, Thanks Zack, for everything. Being kind has great rewards and benifits you and others. Becoming a role model and having self satisfaction are great rewards as well as earning respect from others.

16

Observations from Standards Confirmation and Central Marking 2010

To be kind you just have to believe that you are a good person. You can start out with small things like smiling to a neighbour as you walk home or helping a neighbour carry their groceries home. You can help out around your home or community by volunteering or tutoring younger children that need help with their school work. If you have extra time you could help clean the school and make it a better place to learn. Just being polite can help you to be a better person, using please and thank you and minding your manners. If you think hard enough you can imagine thousands of different ways to be a kind person. It will transform who you are as well as the people around you. I will never forget that day I helped Cody and in return he helped me. Because of the credits Cody helped me earn, I graduated. Instead of working on my uncles farm, I went to collage and became an engineer. Cody is now a teacher. We dont keep in touch as much anymore, but when we to get to talk, its like were high school buddies again. In responses such as those from which these excerpts are taken, students explored the topic in aclear and/or logical way and provided relevant and/or generic details to support appropriate and/or predictable ideas. These students established a focus that was generally sustained, developed their ideas in a discernible order, and provided a mechanical and/or artificial closure. Also evident in such student responses was generally controlled and sometimes effective and/or varied sentence structure, appropriate and general vocabulary, a discernible voice or tone, and generally correct use of conventions. Those students who achieved the standard of excellence often considered the social context within which being kind to others is vital to interpersonal relationships. In such responses, students examined situations in which being sympathetic, understanding, or compassionate is determined by circumstances. For instance, some students spoke to the value of being tolerant or forbearing of the limitations or weaknesses of others, being appreciative of the challenges faced by others, and being selfless when considering the needs of others. In some cases, students commented on how being kind may involve personal sacrifices, whereas other students emphasized the reciprocal benefits for individuals who bestow kindness upon others. In other cases, students established the paradox of being cruel to be kind when acting in someones best interests, as illustrated in the role of parents or teachers who enforce rules in an effort to protect children from harm. Although some students occasionally included trite expressions such as Do unto others as you would have done unto you and You reap what you sow, the manner in which these concepts were embellished and reflected upon needed to be taken into consideration when determining the quality of a response. When considering the broader implications of kindness, some students commented on the benevolence of social programs in society that serve the needs of the less fortunate. Others referenced the need to treat not only people but animals in a humane manner, especially those animals that are used to create products for human consumption. Still others spoke of the global need to be considerate of the natural environment to ensure that it is preserved for future generations to enjoy. The virtue of forgiveness was extolled in some responses as well as that of serving ones community. Some students also spoke of how being charitable toward others, such as sponsoring a child in a developing country, pays reciprocal dividends. Stronger responses often extended the topic beyond the immediate context of the individual to address how kindness is fundamental to being human. The following excerpts contain examples from responses assigned Proficient or Excellent scores: 17

Observations from Standards Confirmation and Central Marking 2010

Being kind to others is an act of selflessness, it is giving of ones self to be considerate of another person. This fundamental recognition of the humanity that unites us all is key to the creation of a world worth living in. Examples abound, such as Ghandi who acted upon his compassion for others and transformed India through peaceful means. You may not be the leader of thousands of people, but you can definitely be a role model to those around you. In our world of ipods and cell phones, texting and social networking, we have actually become distanced from personal connections with others despite being constantly electronically connected. The more we rely on virtual interactions, the more artificial our daily interactions with others are. To counteract this trend we must reflect upon those whom we value most in life and take time to show genuine kindness. Disconnecting from the wireless world is necessary at times in order to stay connected to reality. Another girl her age came and sat next to Sherry on the bus. At first she didnt know what to think. Someone was sitting next to her? Then the girl began talking and soon enough Sherry came out of her shell. Her name was Amy and she was soooo nice to Sherry. They talked the whole way to camp. It was an unbelievable experience. It was the best thing that had happened to Sherry in what seemed like a decade Because of that one kind heart, other hearts including Sherrys were lifted. Sherry even spread the kindness and joy back at school. Sherry was once again that sweet, kind girl full of compassion. There were no people on the streets, and just the odd homeless vagrant that might stumble in the alleys. I had feelings of mixed emotions towards the homeless, bums and hobos alike, they seemed pathetic and useless yet I pitied them undeniably. I tried to live the way my mother told me to to be humble, respectful, and hardworking. I tried as I could to follow through with these last instructions, but my bitterness held me back. My heart wasnt in anything I did, so I achieved nothing. I unknowingly held onto that wound in my chest because that was all that I had left of my deceased mother. I was between attempting to escape my past and holding tightly onto it. Being kind can have a ripple effect. When you drop a stone into a pond it creates a motion that moves throughout the entire pond. So too, if you hold the door open for someone, you convey to them that they have value and are worthy of being treated courteously. This person may then extend their feelings of self-worth into compassion for others in offering their seat on a bus to an elderly person who would otherwise have to stand. Is kindness purely hedonism? All people are familiar with the pleasure associated with a good deed. Without this, would there be any reason to act kindly? This intrinsic gratification in and of itself explains the human need to belong, to be part of a social network of loved ones and friends. The satisfaction of knowing that one is held in high regard by others is essential for survival. Darren, your mom died doing what she believed in. What all rescue workers believe in. Helping others just for the sake of helping them. When that plane crashed, how many more people do you think would have died if she hadnt helped? She always worked to save lives and never asked for anything special in return. No vast sums of money nor afterlife perks. / It just feels like such a cold and empty world without something more, Darren explained. / Frankly, I feel that your mother is proof that it is a better world. A world where people value the importance of kindness and help others because they know it is the right thing rather than out of self-interest or fear of divine retribution. 18

Observations from Standards Confirmation and Central Marking 2010

Responses that contained ideas such as those in these excerpts illustrate student work in which the exploration of the topic was adept, plausible, insightful, or imaginative. Such students demonstrated the ability to present thoughtful, sound, perceptive, and/or carefully chosen ideas supported by specific, apt, precise, and/or original details. These responses were purposefully or skillfully focused, coherently developed, and appropriately or effectively concluded. In such responses, students also employed consistently controlled and varied sentence structure, accurately or deliberately chosen vocabulary, a distinct or convincing tone or voice, and few errors in conventions. Student writing that did not meet the acceptable standard was often characterized by tenuous, simplistic, minimal, and/or tangential assertions about kindness such as it will not kill you to be nice every once in a while and If you are not kind to people you will have no friends and get beat up all the time. In such responses, students sometimes commented on or depicted situations that involve individuals who are friends but neglected to examine the influence of kindness either in fostering the development of a new friendship or having an impact on an existing friendship. Many of these students struggled with focusing and developing their ideas in relation to the topic and were not able to communicate their ideas clearly. The intent behind such responses was often vague or insubstantial, and the ideas were sometimes of questionable validity, such as in the following excerpts. Helping other can be vary rewareding they mite show or give you somthing you mite like them a lot they can be anything they want tobe. The Slogan what you do to others, others will do to you pretty much sums up every-thing. Today was good day me and my friend larry went to the park we were swinging on the swings and we seen a little girl and she was crying we tock her to my mom and see called the police. Latter that night the police called they found the girls mommy and daddy and the were happy we found here. One day me and Curtis decied to go quading. We started of down the trail we were cuting across the trail through the mud when all of a suden we cam up to two Quad that were stuck in the mud we just keped riding twenty minutes later we came up to a couple of teens stuck in the mud we sprayed them with mud a little futher down the road there as big mud hole. We got stuck so we sat there whating for sombody then the teens that we sprayed with mud came down the trail they sprayed us with mud and Drove Pass us. Being kind to others creates a better person in you. You begin to fell good and look good towards others when you start to feel good about yourself, everything changes and creates a better person in yourself. Along with my to best freinds Anthony and Tony. We planed to go to tornado lake it was only about a 6 hour walk so that night I packed a bag full of food. I graved beans, wenners, Marshmellows and a rusty old pan to cook it on. I graved a tent then was off I went strait to Tonys then to Anthony, Anthony was the more difficult one to go. / I dont want to go. exsplained Anthony. / An why not? I asked. / What if somthing bad happend to us or even worse Tony? / Nothing will happen well be fine. / So we went and had a good time. Being kind will get you very far in life if you treat people the way you want to be treated. If you treat people a certain way this will also benifit yourself you will feel good about yourself knowing you treated someone nice. Also, treating others that way they will treat you that way. Treating others is important to a successful future. 19

Observations from Standards Confirmation and Central Marking 2010

The importent thing in our life time is being nice and kind to each other because when you do good thing to other people etc help them you will get help from some of those people if you are not a kind person towards other people and peers you are going to have a good life time without any friends and such. Student writing that was scored Limited or Poor often contained ideas that were superficial, ambiguous, overgeneralized and/or underdeveloped and details that were imprecise, abbreviated, irrelevant, and/or scant. The development of events and/or details was not clearly discernible or lacked coherence and these students typically had limited control of sentence structure, used imprecise diction, had a tone or voice that was indistinct, and convention errors that blurred or reduced clarity. As is often the case each year, the connection between the assigned topic and the ideas contained in some student responses was difficult to determine. Markers were to consult with group leaders when drawing conclusions about whether or not a given response sufficiently addressed the task presented in the assignment. Most often, there was evidence that students had implicitly addressed the topic or prompts, and their responses were assessed. If, however, extensive examination of a students work by both a marker and a group leader led to the conclusion that the response was Insufficient, then the floor supervisors in consultation with the examination manager made a final judgment. Most students succeeded in demonstrating their attainment of text creation outcomes in the Program of Studies and meeting the achievement standards expected of Grade 9 English Language Arts students in the Narrative/Essay Writing Assignment on Part A: Writing of the 2010 Achievement Test.

20

Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Essay)

21

Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Essay)

22

Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Essay)

23

Rationale for Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Essay)

Title: The Momentousness of Kindness Score Content S The students exploration of the topicin contending that unkind actions such as saying one mean word can be damaging and can lead to serious consiquences in order to establish why it is always important to just be kind to othersis clear and logical. The students purpose, as stated in This paper will dicuss the importance of kindness, is evident in the discussion of how creating positive karma, gaining future benefits, and having nothing to lose relate to being kind to others. The ideas presented by the student are appropriate and predictable, as seen in If you show kindness to people predominantly people will show it back, which is never a bad thing, If you know you could have helped someone when they were hurt you would not feel any guilt, but if you did not help them and something terribly bad happened to them you will feel guilty, and If there is nothing bad about it, you might as well just do it. Supporting details such as in If you get injured or into a harry situation and you are unkind to everyone they will not help you, If you are nice to people they will begin to like you as well and you can make freinds that last forever, and It does not cost a cent to say thank you or please are relevant and generic. The writing is straightforward and generalized (as illustrated in It all starts with you, you can not change others with out changing yourself first) and occasionally appeals to the readers interest through rhetorical comments such as You might not reconize it but it is in our daily lives, it is a natural action. Reporting Category

S
S

24

Rationale for Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Essay)

Score Organization S The opening assertion regarding The harm that can be done to a person resulting from an unkind act in the introduction is functional and establishes a focus on the importance of kindness that is generally sustained. Details in the discussion of how karma can affect matters, how it will benefit you in the future, and how you have nothing to lose are developed in a discernible order. Transitions, such as in Being kind to others is not just about the present, it is abat the future aswell and There is also certainly no work involved in asking a little girl if they are ok when they fall off their bike, tend to be mechanical and are generally used to connect details within sentences and between paragraphs. Closureprovided in the reiteration of the idea that The importance of kindness is considerably major and in the restatement of ideas in Nobody desires a bad karma, no one wants an unsatisfactory future, and certainly if it has no consequences you might as well do itis related to the focus and the conclusion provided in You have to be kind to be treated with any respect, that is why kindness is so very meaningful is mechanical. Sentence Structure S Sentence structure such as in Karma is an actual thing in the ways of kindness and You can not get hurt or feel any pain by telling a friend they have nice eyes is generally controlled, but lapses such as in If you mistreat someone that you are not fimiliar with, they could be more could get you into serious trouble which could lead to sevier punishment occasionally impede meaning. Sentence type and sentence length are sometimes effective and varied, as demonstrated in One once said, stikes and stones can break your bones, but words will never hurt you (unknown). That statement is a lie. Anything can hurt you, except for kindness. As seen in What goes around, If you are nice, When you do the right thing, It does not cost a cent, Nobody desires, and Many know, some variety of sentence beginnings is evident. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

25

Rationale for Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Essay)

Score Vocabulary S Words and expressions are generally used appropriately, as is evident in harm that can be done, its just what you choose to go around, It all starts with you, something terribly bad, they will show kindness forever, and it is a natural action. General words and expressions (as in it will benefit you, never a bad thing, a harry situation, you do not have to always watch your back, nothing bad about it, and you might as well do it) are used adequately to clarify meaning. The tone created by the student is discernible in statements such as You have to be kind to be treated with any respect, that is why kindness is so very meaningful. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Conventions L The quality of the writing is weakened by the frequently incorrect use of conventionsin mechanics (such as in consiquences, Thats why, stikes, fimiliar, sevier, others, reconize, and desires) and in usage (such as in asking a little girl if they are ok). Errors such as in When you show kindness to a person there is no loses or consequences and Many know for it is always kindness which breeds kindness occasionally reduce clarity and sometimes interrupt the flow of the response. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

26

Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Narrative)

27

Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Narrative)

28

Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Narrative)

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Rationale for Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Narrative)

Title: Kindness Score Content S The students exploration of the topicthrough the character development of Jeff, who initially opts out of assisting his grandfather in order to play street hockey, learns from the example of Dannys grandpa that he might never see him again if he passed, and provides his grandfather with the assistance he requestedis clear and logical. The students purpose in chronicling the change in Jeffs perspective from being most concerned with hurrying home to change into his gear and head over for the game to demanding that his mom take him to Grandpas house to help clean the garage is evident. The ideas presented by the student regarding how Jeffs grandfather called and asked Jeff to come help him clean out his garage, how Jeffs mother called her dad to let him know that Jeff wouldnt make it, how his grandpa was surprised to see him when Jeff did arrive, and how Jeff was rewarded with a brand new stick for street hockey are appropriate and predictable. Supporting details such as in The bell finally rang, Jeff hurried home, everyone was heading home, Jeff sauntered back up to his room, for the rest o the day Jeff and his grandpa chatted and cleaned the garage, and He had a good time are relevant and generic. The writing is straightforward and generalizedas seen in scenes such as Jeff turned around and headed home. When he got back his mom asked how come your home so earlyand the inclusion of dialogue such as in Yippee cried Jeff, now we can finally play tonight occasionally appeals to the readers interest. Reporting Category

30

Rationale for Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Narrative)

Score Organization S The opening statement Jeff just sat there staring at the clock, wondering if time was standing still in the introduction is functional and establishes a focus on the protagonists preoccupation with playing street hockey at Dannys house after school that is generally sustained. Events are developed in a discernible orderin terms of how Jeffs choice to play street hockey rather than help his grandfather clean out his garage and his discovery that the Game was cancelled because Dannys Grandpa is in the hospital lead to his realization that it could have been his grandpa and subsequent decision to go to his Grandpas house to help clean the garage. Transitions tend to be mechanical (as illustrated in He and his friends had planned, Jeff turned around and headed home, and So for the rest o the day) and are generally used to connect events within sentences and between paragraphs. Closure provided in He made memories and got a new hockey stick because he learned the value of kindness to always help someone in need, not just family but everyone is related to the focus and is artificial. Sentence Structure S Sentence structure (as in Jeff hurried home to change into his gear and head over for the game, when his mother stopped him and Dannys Grandpa is in the hospital, so the game was cancelled replied Jeff) is generally controlled. Sentence type and sentence length are sometimes effective and varied, as seen in He and his friends had planned to play street hockey at Dannys house after school, No its entirely up to Before she could finish her sentence he was out the door, running down the street to the game, and He scurried down the stairs and demanded that his mom take him to Grandpas house to help clean the garage. Some variety of sentence beginnings is evident in Jeff just sat there, Just as Jeff arrived, When he got back, So Jeff sauntered back up to his room, and He made memories. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

S
S S

S
S

31

Rationale for Student Exemplar Satisfactory (Narrative)

Score Vocabulary S Words and expressions are generally used appropriately, as is evident in wondering if time was standing still, glad I caught you, a nice reward, everyone was heading home, and his grandpa was surprised to see him. Specific words and expressions such as in He and his friends had planned, hurried home to change into his gear, he complained, Before she could finish her sentence he was out the door, sauntered, scurried down the stairs, demanded, and chatted show some evidence of careful selection. The voice created by the student such as in the exchange Whats going on where is everyone going he asked. / Game was cancelled, Dannys grandpa is in the hospital sighed Hector is discernible. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Conventions S The quality of the writing is sustainedsuch as in the presentation of Jeffs mother called her dad to let him know that Jeff wouldnt make it today and So Jeff sauntered back up to his room and on the way there he realized that it could have been his grandpa and he might never see him again if he passedthrough generally correct use of conventions. Errors in mechanics (as seen in Yipee cried Jeff, now we can finally play tonight and Do I have too he complained) and in usage (as seen in how come your home so early, rest o the day, and he learned the value of kindness to always help someone in need) occasionally reduce clarity. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

Pf

32

Student Exemplar Proficient (Essay)

33

Student Exemplar Proficient (Essay)

34

Student Exemplar Proficient (Essay)

35

Student Exemplar Proficient (Essay)

36

Student Exemplar Proficient (Essay)

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Rationale for Student Exemplar Proficient (Essay)

Title: The Significance of Kindness Score Content Pf The students exploration of the topic in presenting the view that Today, people want things done now, and it doesnt seem to matter how kindly its done is adept in establishing a context for the plausible suggestion that If people could just sit and observe what they were really doing, they could change things drastically. The students purposein examining how Kindness ensures that you and the people around you feel good about themselves and others, how If you are a kind person, you will likely have a fabulous reputation, and how A kind person will receive kind remarks towards them in the future in order to contend that If you are kind towards another person, then they may kind to another person. The chain continues on and on, spreading kindness around the worldis intentional. The ideas presented by the student (such as in It seems as though many people have put their own needs and wants in front of their desire to be kind people and Random acts of kindness can be as simple as shoveling an elders driveway, yet they can mean so much) are appropriate and predictable. Supporting details in the example of taking a homeless man on the street who hasnt eaten in days to get some food so that he may be nourished, the example of being a hairdresser just opening a business who is curtious and kind and receives more clients, and the example of a classmate who you cannot get along with becoming a coworker who is unkind to you in the workplace are apt. The writing is considered and elaborated in terms of how the implications of acts of kindnesssuch as in Because you took the time to be kind, the man is so grateful to be fed, If you show kindness to another person, they will most likely think of you as a kind person for a long time, and From this situation, we learn the effects of being unkind to othersare presented and the conviction of assertions such as One random act of kindness could change everything. If everyone could change their mindset, putting kindness first, our world could be a very different place draws the readers interest. Reporting Category

Pf

Pf
Pf

Pf

38

Rationale for Student Exemplar Proficient (Essay)

Score Organization Pf The opening provided in The kindness you exude is a direct reflection of what kind of person you are. In todays modern society, kindness is key to success in the introduction is purposeful and clearly establishes a focus (in the overview of ideas provided in It is crucial to be kind towards other people because you could change somebodys life, you could establish a good reputation, and the rewards may benefit you in the future) that is capably sustained. Details regarding how Being a kind person could drastically effect someones life, how Being a kind member of society establishes a good reputation, and how If you are kind to others, people will be kind to you too are developed in a discernible order. Transitions, such as in If you had not committed this random act of kindness, the man would have gone hungry for many more days and In this case, kindness results in more business, clearly connect details within sentences and between paragraphs. Closure provided in concluding statements regarding how The act of kindness is contagious and how People helping other people is a very powerful thing is appropriate and the restatement provided in A kind person could change somebodys life, establish a good reputation for themself, and receive kindness in return is related to the focus. Sentence Structure Pf As seen in This is the golden rule of our society which essentially explains the term karma and For years and years, you are unkind to this person, sentence structure is consistently controlled. Sentence type and sentence length are usually effective and varied, as illustrated in If you are a curtious and kind person, the word will spread, and more clients will come to see you and Many years later you apply for a job, and it turns out you are working with this same person. Sentence beginningssuch as in It seems as though, Today, people want, Being a kind person, You decide to take him, For example, say you are, As a result of all this, The chain continues on and on, and If everyone couldare often varied. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

Pf
Pf Pf

Pf

Pf

Pf

39

Rationale for Student Exemplar Proficient (Essay)

Score Vocabulary Pf Words and expressions are often used accuratelyas is evident in a direct reflection of, put their own needs and wants in front of their desire to be kind people, nourished, would have gone hungry, and unkind to you in the workplace. General words and expressions such as can mean so much, take him to get some food, a good reputation, a fabulous reputation, it turns out, and around the world are used adequately to clarify meaning. The tone created by the student in globalizing that If people could just sit and observe what they were really doing, they could change things drastically and that If you show kindness to another person, they will most likely think of you as a kind person for a long time, then One random act of kindness could change everything is distinct. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Conventions Pf The quality of the writing is sustained because it contains only minor convention errors, as demonstrated in I was once told this statement by a teacher, You never know who you are going to work with. Errors that are present (in mechanicssuch as in curtiousand in usage such as in things done now, and it doesnt seem to matter how kindly its done, effect someones life, a classmate who you cannot get along with, If you are kind towards another person, then they may kind to another person, and themself) rarely reduce clarity and seldom interrupt the flow of the response. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

Pf

Pf

Pf

Pf

40

Student Exemplar Proficient (Narrative)

41

Student Exemplar Proficient (Narrative)

42

Student Exemplar Proficient (Narrative)

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Student Exemplar Proficient (Narrative)

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Rationale for Student Exemplar Proficient (Narrative)

Title: Wish Upon a Star Score Content Pf The students exploration of the topic through the persona of Selwena (a young girl on a sponsorship waiting list for almost two years while being given the impossible task of caring for her five and six year old sisters when her dad fell sick) is adept and plausible in terms of how, although she had grown out of wishing on shooting stars, her hope that everything was going to be okay was restored when the family got the news about Jenna deciding to sponsor them. The students purposein the presentation of the narrators contrasting reflections regarding how Before my sponsorship, life for my family was nearly unbearable and how Soon after we got the news about Jenna, we had the money to take my dad to the doctor and money to go out and buy another bed, and extra foodis intentional. The ideas presented by the student, as in I did love them both, more than they could ever know. I only wished that that was enough to put food in their bellies, Every morning I would wake up thinking that that was going to be the day; the day I lost my father, and The extra amount of money that we had was not huge; It did not make us rich or famous, but it helped us get through the days, are thoughtful and sound. Supporting details such as in My mother died when I was four years old, and my so my father raised me and my two sisters by himself, Mia glanced at me with pure excitement in her six year old eyes, and I couldnt help but smile, and Mia and Gilberthe, who used to fight till the last mouthful of food, could both eat until they were content are specific and apt. As demonstrated in Selwena, do you hate me and Gilberthe? My little sister Mia asked me quietly. I was caught off guard by her question. / No way Mia, How could you think that? I whispered as I pulled her into a tight embrace. You, Gilberthe, and Dad are my life, my everything. I could never hate you, the writing is considered and elaborated and the portrayal of scenes such as in SELWEEEENAA! Gilberthe yelled, running into the room. THERE IS A SHOOTING STAR OUT SIDE! COME SEE! COME SEE! draws the readers interest. Reporting Category

Pf

Pf

Pf
Pf

Pf

45

Rationale for Student Exemplar Proficient (Narrative)

Score Organization Pf The opening statement The day that I found out about my sponsorship from Jenna, I was happier than I had ever in my entire life in the introduction is purposeful and clearly establishes a focus on the narrators feeling of knowing that someone half way around the world cared about me [that] was too amazing for words that is capably sustained in the depiction of how Jenna Raires kindness impacts the lives of members of the narrators family. Events are developed in a sensible order in the reflective recounting of the struggles of the narrator to provide for members of her family prior to the day she got the news about Jenna deciding to sponsor us when her belief in fairytales (that only little kids still believed in) is restored, and coherence is generally maintained. Transitionssuch as in But when I was nine years old, my dad fell sick to an unknown disease, OOHH, Selwena! Mia gasped. Its beaaauutiful! / She was right; I had never seen such a beautiful sight in all my nine years of being alive, and By the time we got the newsclearly connect events within sentences and between paragraphs. Closure provided in I dont know if Jenna could even understand if I tried to explain it to her, how much of a difference she has made in my life and my families life. Her tiny bit of kindness from half way across the world, completely changed our lives is appropriate and related to the focus. Sentence Structure Pf As illustrated in I had been on a sponsorship waiting list for almost two years when I received the news, and Jenna Raire was my new hero, But you always seem so angry when we fight, or do something wrong, and They were fairytales, and only little kids still believed in them, but I guess I was wrong, sentence structure is consistently controlled. Sentence type and sentence length are usually effectiveas in I remember that day like as if it was yesterday and I grabbed her hand, and we followed Gilberthe outsideand variedas in But when I was nine years old, my dad fell sick to an unknown disease, and I was given the impossible task of taking care of my five and six year old sisters and My dear father stayed sick for two and a half years. Sentence beginnings such as in The day that I found out, Before my sponsorship, Selwena, do you, Thats because I love you, Every morning I would wake up, and I dont know if are often varied. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. 46 Reporting Category

Pf

Pf
Pf Pf

Pf

Pf

Pf

Rationale for Student Exemplar Proficient (Narrative)

Score Vocabulary Pf Words and expressions are often used accurately, as seen in The feeling of knowing, Jenna Raire was my new hero, an unknown disease, pulled her into a tight embrace, more than they could ever know, Mia gasped, and They were fairytales. Specific words and expressions such as too amazing for words, life for my family was nearly unbearable, the impossible task, looking straight into her eyes, pure excitement in her six year old eyes, miraculously, It did not make us rich or famous, but it helped us get through the days show some evidence of careful selection. The voice created by the student in the depiction of scenes such as in Make a wish girls, I whispered, holding both of their hands on either side of me. / I want daddy to get better, Gilberthe wished out loud. / I want to have another bed, so that I never have to sleep on the floor again! Mia said. / What about you Selwena? Mia asked me. / I thought about that for a minute, and then answered slowly. I everything to work out. Thats all is distinct. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Conventions Pf The quality of the writing is sustained (as in Just looking at that night sky full of stars, gave me hope, like as if everything was going to be okay and Thats because I love you. I said) because it contains only minor convention errors. Errors that are presentin mechanics (such as in No way Mia, How could you think that?, huge; It did not, and my families life) and in usage (such as in happier than I had ever in my entire life, like as if it was yesterday, and my so my father)rarely reduce clarity and seldom interrupt the flow of the response. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

Pf

Pf
Pf

Pf

Pf

47

Student Exemplar Excellent (Essay)

48

Student Exemplar Excellent (Essay)

49

Student Exemplar Excellent (Essay)

50

Student Exemplar Excellent (Essay)

51

Rationale for Student Exemplar Excellent (Essay)

Title: The Circle of Life Score Content E The students exploration of the topic in defining kindness as not a natural behaviour but [one that] must be learned from our parents, our peer group at school, and our community and concluding that Just as our parents modelled the value of kindness, as adults we ourselves provide an example for others to follow is insightful. The students purpose in chronicling the development of an individuals awareness of the existence of individuals other than one selffrom birth (wherein We observe how our parents put our needs ahead of their own in order to ensure our well being), to childhood and adolescence (wherein In order to gain the respect of others, we see the benefits of being kind to others), to adulthood (wherein our own children who have learned from our example are able to demonstrate the value of kindness to their children) to illustrate the circle of lifeis deliberate. The ideas presented by the student (that In addition to our basic needs, we find sustenance in the care provided by our parents, that We learn [at school] very quickly that being concerned only with ourselves and taking what we want from others results in negative consequences, and that The satisfaction gained from taking the time to become involved in the lives of others and offering kindness in the form of whatever encouragement, assistance or insight we have to offer makes our lives more meaningful) are perceptive and carefully chosen. Supporting details such as From four-hour feedings to countless diaperchangings, our parents contientious actions form the basis of our character, We see how when we share a toy with another child, allow someone else to go first or take turns in being the leader that our peers find us to be admirable, and Extending a helping hand to a neighbour who is building a fence, shovelling an elderly persons walk or offering to join in the search for a lost pet are precise. The writing is confident in terms of the candor underlying the discussion such as in As children in our own little worlds, we are preoccupied with our own survival without concern for others and Their constant attention, gentle touch and warm presence introduce us to a world filled with kindnessand the tact with which ideas such as Taking an active role in supporting a local charity, for instance, is one way by which we can act upon our concern for the less fortunate members of society are presented holds the readers interest. 52 Reporting Category

E
E

Rationale for Student Exemplar Excellent (Essay)

Score Organization E The particularization of the meaning of kindness (as an act of compassion, tenderness or mercy that individuals learn the value of through social interactions) in the introduction is engaging and skillfully establishes a focuson The lessons gained as we mature that ensure that the circle of life goes onthat is consistently sustained. Details pertaining to how Our parents provide us with the tender loving care we need to survive, how we interact with others and soon learn the importance of being kind to others at school and in the community, and how these experiences provide us with the wisdom as adults to instill the value of kindness in others are developed in a judicious order, and coherence is maintained. Transitionssuch as in We are rewarded by our teachers who commend us for being considerate of others. / Kindness is a fundamental life skill we take with us from school into our community and We can volunteer our time to coach a neighbourhood little league baseball team or we can join in the effort to build a local park. These and other acts of kindness will provide our own children with an example to followfluently connect details within sentences and between paragraphs. Closure provided in The world we are born into influences who we become, and our parents give us our first experience with the benefits of kindness. We discover that being kind to others at school and in our community provide a sense of fulfillment and belonging. By teaching our own children to be kind, we can ensure that the circle of life continues is effective and related to the focus. Reporting Category

53

Rationale for Student Exemplar Excellent (Essay)

Score Sentence Structure E Sentence structure is effectively and consistently controlled, as demonstrated in Our parents provide us with the tender loving care we need to survive, We learn from their example how to demonstrate concern for others, and Unavoidably, as we mature we come into contact with other people such as those in our peer group at school. Sentence type and sentence lengthsuch as in This is not a natural behaviour but must be learned, The wailing of a newborn infant indicates that the baby is in need of being fed, change or comforted, and The world we are born into influences who we become, and our parents give us our first experience with the benefits of kindnessare consistently effective and varied. Sentence beginnings are consistently varied, as seen in As children in our own little worlds, In this way, We observe how, In order to gain the respect of others, Extending a helping hand to a neighbour, Just as our parents once modelled the value of kindness, and If we succeed. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Vocabulary E Words and expressions such as as we mature from these experiences, a world filled with kindness, ensure our well being, results in negative consequences, a fundamental life skill, join in the effort to build a local park, and a sense of fulfillment and belonging are used accurately and deliberately. Precise words and expressions are used to enrich detailsas seen in the diction choices in instill the value, Their constant attention, gentle touch and warm presence, act upon our concern for the less fortunate members of society, demonstrate the value of kindness to their children, and ensure that the circle of life continues. The student creates a convincing tone through expressions such as we are preoccupied with our own survival without concern for others, we find sustenance in the care provided by our parents, these selfless acts foster goodwill, and offering kindness in the form of whatever encouragement, assistance or insight we have to offer makes our lives more meaningful. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

54

Rationale for Student Exemplar Excellent (Essay)

Score Conventions E The quality of the writing is enhanced because it is essentially error-free, as demonstrated in statements such as Kindness is an act of compassion, tenderness or mercy and We see how when we share a toy with another child, allow someone else to go first or take turns in being the leader that our peers find us to be admirable. Errors that are present (as in aware of existence of, one self, our parents contientious, and being kind to others at school and in our community provide) do not reduce clarity and do not interrupt the flow of this complex response. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

55

Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)

56

Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)

57

Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)

58

Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)

59

Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)

60

Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)

61

Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)

62

Rationale for Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)

Title: Home For Now Score Content E The students exploration of the topic through the persona of a twelve year old boy named Eden who does not want people to get all sappy and feeling sorry for him and is able to find solace when his Aunt Poppy tells him Youre allowed to want to get on with your lives and youre allowed to want peace and quiet to mourn is insightful and the portrayal of scenes such as in Before either of us could say anything, we were whisked inside to the warmth of the kitchen. We stood at the edge of the entryway unsure of what to do while Aunt Poppy whirled about the kitchen finding food to fatten us up is imaginative. The students purposein the depiction of how the narrators conscious withdrawal from the kindness of others (established in I just want to be left alone and not fussed over. Let me grieve in peace) due to the invisible chains that had been tightening around my chest the past few weeks is overcome by Aunt Poppys understanding in providing the choice to grieve as he wishes which then allows him to breathe freelyis deliberate. The ideas presented by the student in documenting the narrators state of mind in observations such as The rain and darkened sky would have made the setting sinister had it not been for the warmly lit windows welcoming us from the gloom, I probably havent seen her since I was four but a part of me, that hadnt been blocked off, warmed to her immediately, and Now dears, she began, her voice growing sad. The chains lept up and locked about me one by one again are perceptive and carefully chosen. Supporting details (as in His frizzy brown hair, unwashed smeared wildly on the velveteen, while his hands fiddled nervously with the holey knees of his jeans, Shes our fathers cousin by marriage, with ebony skin and caramel coloured eyes that made part of your heart melt when she looked at you, and Shes married to Daniel now, who you know, and Lauren, Daniels sister, is pregnant twins we expect while Thomas brother Nigel is getting married soon to Soleil who has three children, Annie, Brett and ) are precise and original. The writing is confident and creative (evident in the presentation of My brother and I used to race raindrops on the car windows. As the rain falls the droplets would stick to the glass and slowly trail to the other side. We would each pick a droplet and shout and cheer until one or the other made it to the other side. Id always cheat and say that I had chosen the droplet that won even if it was Shads) and the realism of interactions such as in Youre Chad / Shad, I corrected. / Right, she beamed at him. He smiled shyly under her gaze. And youre Eden. / I nodded holds the readers interest. 63 Reporting Category

E
E

Rationale for Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)

Score Organization E The context provided in the opening (How long? Shad asked me for the twentieth time. We were strapped in to the back seat of Ewart Johnsons car, on our way to a temporary home, my cousins home) of the introduction is engaging, and skillfully establishes a focus on the narrators desire to be left alone and not fussed over in order to grieve in peace that is consistently sustained. Events that chronicle the narrators despondency while watching the grey landscape pass swiftly, uncertainty upon arriving at a tall brick house that looked as if someone added more rooms on top as they pleased giving the place a ramshackle look, being overwhelmed when swept into a choke hold, probably meant as a hug by Aunt Poppy, and relief in gradually starting to loosen up are developed in a judicious order, and coherence is maintained through to the climactic moment when his sense of being choked and having The walls closing in is finally assuaged. Transitionssuch as in An arguement always would follow but / Here we are, Ewart smiled grimly in the review mirror, shaking me from my thoughts, She tsked, then glared over our heads as Ewart appeared to try to get in the vehicle without saying anything, and She paused, and wiping her hands on her apron looked across at usfluently connect events within sentences and between paragraphs. The closure provided in The walls stopped moving closer. / I just want you to know you have a choice in all that you do and no ones going to force you to make it, or make it for you / I could breathe. / you can stay here or move on to another relatives. This is just a home for now, though it can be permanent if you like is effective in revealing the narrators feelings of relief and contentment and the concluding scene wherein Shad looked at me slowly. I nodded. Poppy smiled at the two of us and cleared our plates, bringing back cookies and more milk. Taking a sip I cleared my throat. / Thank youis related to the focus. Reporting Category

64

Rationale for Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)

Score Sentence Structure E Sentence structure is effectively and consistently controlled, as demonstrated in The car parked close to the front door and I immediately unbuckled my seat belt and grabbed the duffel bag from beneath my feet, Shes a bigger woman who almost always smells like cooking, and Everyones already had lunch she explained as she put a container in the microwave. Sentence type and sentence length are consistently effective (as seen in Shad followed at a slower pace while Ewart hurriedly grabbed our bulging suitcases from the trunk and bounded up the stairs and Come sit, she pointed at the tiny kitchen table by the stove) and varied (as seen in Erm, he looked at us awkwardly, Good luck boys, and he left. Some lawyer and Theyre all out and about. Itll overwhelm you dears when everyone comes for dinner but Ill fend them off for you. Like vultures they are). Sentence beginningssuch as in How long? Shad asked again, I turned my head back to the window,The car had pulled up, The rain struck my head continuously, Oh boys! she murmurred, Before either of us could say anything, Dry off before you catch a cold, She grinned at me, and I glanced back at Poppyare consistently varied. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

E
E

65

Rationale for Student Exemplar Excellent (Narrative)

Score Vocabulary E Words and expressions such as He sighed and slouched in his seat, his hands fiddled nervously, Ewart smiled grimly, a ramshackle look, warmly lit windows welcoming us, nuzzling our heads with her face, ebony skin and caramel coloured eyes, we were whisked inside, finding food to fatten us up, We trudged over, She paused in thought, and I could hardly breathe I felt choked are used accurately and deliberately. Precise words and expressions are used to create vivid imagesas in One knock and my distant cousin (Aunt Poppy was it?) came bouncing down the stairs, Youre so skinny, she sighed, her voice like melted chocolate, and You could hardly hear the rain pitter pattering outside while the stove hummed and the clock ticked happilyand to enrich detailsas in To add to the untidy feel about the house, unkept trees and weeds filled the yard, Now, she murmurred softly as she placed steaming plates of an assortment of potatoes, roast, pizza and various other foods in front of us, and I smiled at Shad who grinned, mouth full and downed a glass of milk. The voice created by the student through the narrators reflections such as in Were not orphans mind you so dont get all sappy and feeling sorry for us. Ive had enough of that. Enough of social workers looking at my brother and I like we were two abandoned puppies, enough of teachers and secretaries saying Im so sorry like it was their fault, enough of the paperwork and the offices and the free treats is convincing. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Conventions E The quality of the writing is enhanced because it is essentially error-free, as illustrated in statements such as Her hair was tied back in a bun and she wore a checkered dress with an apron and How old are you two? / Shad swallowed a bite of pizza. Ten. / Twelve. / Youre as old as Zoi. Errors that are presentas in a better answer then the one Id given him, arguement, review mirror, murmurred, lept, and boistrousdo not reduce clarity and do not interrupt the flow of the response. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

E
E

66

Appendix: Marker Training Papers

The Marker Training Papers are intended to provide markers with an opportunity to apply the standards embedded in the scoring criteria and illustrated in the Exemplars and Rationales grapple with some of the more complex decisions that markers face read and score the Training Papers according to the scoring criteria compare individually awarded scores with those awarded in each scoring category Reminders for marking: When a students work exhibits characteristics of two scoring criteria, a marker must use professional judgment to apply the scoring criterion that most accurately and appropriately describes the features of the paper. Usually, the appropriate criterion is the one from which there are the most descriptors that fit the students work. Be objective in your marking. Mark according to the Scoring Guide and Exemplars ONLY. Before marking each scoring category, read the focus information to help you to focus on the key words and phrases of each reporting category that help to distinguish differences between scoring levels. Student work must be related to the assignment. An INSUFFICIENT paper demonstrates no evidence of an attempt to address the task presented in the assignment, or the student has written so little that it is not possible to assess Content. A NO RESPONSE paper has absolutely nothing written, drawn, or highlighted. Information provided by a student on the planning page can be used to inform a markers judgments but is not directly scored. Do not be misled by the physical appearance of the paper. Poorly handwritten/word-processed responses are not necessarily poorly constructed, just as neatly handwritten/word-processed responses are not necessarily of quality and substance. Score each bullet within each reporting category separately, and then assign an overall score for that category. For example, if two of the three bullets in a scoring category are scored as Pf and the third bullet as S, assign an overall score of Pf in this scoring category. You will encounter papers that, according to the scoring guide, are at the high end or low end of the range of a given scoring category; nonetheless, a single score must be awarded for each scoring category. Be careful not to penalize a student twice. If, for example, you have noted inconsistent use of end punctuation and assigned the appropriate mark in Conventions, do not mark the paper down in Sentence Structure for lack of control. A student response does not have to be perfect to receive a score of Excellent in any one or all of the scoring categories. 67

Marker Training Paper A (Essay)

68

Marker Training Paper A (Essay)

69

Marker Training Paper A (Essay)

70

Rationale for Marker Training Paper A (Essay)

Title: Being Kind Score Content L S The students exploration of the topic is simplistic in terms of the truncated manner in which the merits of kindness are examined. The students purposeto examine how being kind to other involves cooperating with other, raising your selfesteen, and gaining respect from other peopleis evident. The ideas presented by the student (as in If there was no cooperation then nothing would get done and people would be fighting, You raise your selfesteen by talking and do things with other people, and You get respect if you listen to others ideas) are superficial and ambiguous. Supporting details pertaining to Cooperation means that you can cooperate with anyone, You get the courage to talk and listen other people, and You also gain by take control of a situation if it is out of control are imprecise and abbreviated. The writing is incomplete given the limited depth of the discussion of the assigned topic of the importance of being kind to others and does not appeal to the readers interest. Organization S The opening question Is it important to be kind to other? in the introduction is functional and establishes a focus in the overview of ideas regarding how being kind to other means you are cooperating, your raising your selfesteen, and gaining respected that is generally sustained. Details pertaining to cooperating with other, raising your selfesteen, and gaining respect from other people are developed in a discernible order. Transitions, such as in If there was no cooperation then nothing would get done and Secondly, you raise your selfesteen, tend to be mechanical and are generally used to connect details within sentences and between paragraphs. Closureprovided in There are many ways are being kind to other. You can cooperate, you can get the courage to talk to other people, and you take control of situationis related to the focus and is mechanical. Reporting Category

S S

71

Rationale for Marker Training Paper A (Essay)

Score Sentence Structure S Sentence structure is generally controlled (evident in Cooperation means that you can cooperate with anyone and You can cooperate, you can get the courage to talk to other people, and you take control of situation), but lapses such as in Firstly, cooperating with other occasionally impede meaning. Sentence type and sentence length are sometimes effective and varied, as demonstrated in If there was no cooperation then nothing would get done and people would be fighting and This paragraph shows how you gain respect. Some variety of sentence beginnings is evident in Is it important, Secondly, you raise your selfesteen, You get respect, and There are many ways. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Vocabulary S Words and expressions are generally used appropriately, as seen in you are cooperating, people would be fighting, the courage to talk, and gain respect from other people. General words and expressionssuch as in nothing would get done, cooperate with anyone, how important it is, and raise your selfesteenare used adequately to clarify meaning. The tone created by the student in directly addressing the reader through the use of second person such as in You raise your selfesteen by talking and do things with other people is discernible. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Conventions L The quality of the writing is weakened by the frequently incorrect use of conventions, as demonstrated in I think being kind to other means you are cooperating, your raising your selfesteen, and gaining respected. Errors such as in to to cooperate, talking and do things, talk and listen other people, others ideas, gain by take control of, many ways are being, and take control of situation blur clarity and interrupt the flow of the response. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

72

Marker Training Paper B (Narrative)

73

Marker Training Paper B (Narrative)

74

Marker Training Paper B (Narrative)

75

Marker Training Paper B (Narrative)

76

Rationale for Marker Training Paper B (Narrative)

Title: Returning the Favour Score Content S The students exploration of the topic in recounting how Jenny comes to understand why her friend Erin went to Mexico on a mission trip with her church when she helps a young boy named Colin to feel all better and realizes how Erin feels in Mexico when she is helping people is clear and logical. The students purpose in contrasting the narrators being not happy and feeling abandoned due to her preoccupation with her own needs at the outset with the concern she shows a boy on a red bicycle who has an accident by giving him lemonade and cleaning up around the cut on his knee and consequently feeling good about herself is intentional. The ideas presented by the student are appropriate and predictable, as demonstrated in The boy looked like he was having so much fun, jumping off curbs and speeding around and Suddenly I was no longer mad at her and I felt bad about treating her the way I did. Supporting details such as He pedaled faster and faster as he neared the curb. Jenny took in a deep breathe of air. He was in the air. Now he is on the ground, his bike tangled around his feet and Colins bike was propped up on its kick stand and he was sitting on the curb drying his tears with his sleeve are specific and apt. The writing is straightforward (as seen in She recognized his faced, and remembered seeing him at recess. She guessed he was in grade one or two) and generalized (as in seen in Your welcome, I said smiling, Ill see you around, / Uh-huh, he said as he climbed back on his bike, bye) and the embellishment provided in statements such as Yeah, I said, at leased five feet, I over exaggerated a little but it made him smile occasionally appeals to the readers interest. Reporting Category

Pf

Pf

77

Rationale for Marker Training Paper B (Narrative)

Score Organization Pf The background provided in the exposition (in It was the first day of summer, and Jenny Raines was spending it inside. The sun was shinning and the sky was blue. Any person should be happy, school was out, it was beautiful outside, and the new water park had just opened) in the introduction is purposeful and clearly establishes a focus on the conflict wherein Jenny was not happy. Her best friend had just left for Mexico and Jenny felt abandoned that is capably sustained. Events in the chronology of how Jenny saw a boy on a red bicycle fall, ran out her door to the childs side, wiped off the drying blood on his leg with the wet cloth, and cleaned up around the cut, and realized that must be how Erin feels in Mexico are developed in a sensible order, and coherence is generally maintained. Transitions such as in Then I put on the Polysporn and covered it with two bandaides and Suddenly I was no longer mad at her tend to be mechanical and are generally used to connect events within sentences and between paragraphs. Closureprovided in The next day I woke up early and walked down to the corner store. I bought some supplies that I needed to make pancakes. I left the store with a big bag of flour on one arm, and a jug of milk in my other hand. / Jenny! I turned to see who was calling my name, it was Colin. / Hi Colin, Hows your knee?is related to the focus on helping others, and the concluding scenariowherein Colins offer (Can I help you with your groceries; I want to help you out like you helped me yesterday) is accepted by the narrator who smiled and handed him the jug of milk and together we walked homeis mechanical and artificial. Sentence Structure S Sentence structure is generally controlled (such as in Jenny was watching him very intently and she smiled to herself at his carelessness and I poured a glass on lemonade, wet a cloth and went back outside). Sentence type and sentence length are sometimes effective and varied, as demonstrated in Jenny gasped, he looked stunned, and then he began to cry and Okay, he replied wearily and he started to untangle himself from the bicycle. As seen in She was mad at Erin, Jenny was staring blankly out of her front window, Can I see your cut? Here you go, I said, and Oh, its fine, some variety of sentence beginnings is evident. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. 78 Reporting Category

Pf

Pf

Rationale for Marker Training Paper B (Narrative)

Score Vocabulary Pf Words and expressions are often used accurately, as illustrated in she knew that the boy went to her school, My name is Jenny, and I go to Irwin Elementary too, He looked at his torn pants and the cut he could see, handing him the lemonade, the drying blood on his leg, put on the Polysporn and covered it with two bandaides, and a big bag of flour on one arm, and a jug of milk in my other hand. Specific words and expressions such as in The sun was shinning and the sky was blue, having so much fun, jumping off curbs and speeding around, watching him very intently, smiled to herself at his carelessness, bike tangled around his feet, cringing when it touched his open skin, drying his tears with his sleeve, and took a big gulp show some evidence of careful selection. The voice created by the student in the portrait of how the protagonists selfinterest changes to concern for others is discernible but is inconsistent in light of the shift in narrative viewpoint from third person (as in the presentation of Jenny ran out her door to the childs side) to first person (as in the presentation of He looked at me, his eyes wide). Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Conventions S The quality of the writing is sustained in statements such as He looked up at her and said between sniffles, Im Colin and I gathered my things and walked back into my house smiling through generally correct use of conventions. Errors in mechanics (as seen in shinning, his faced, Ill be right back; Im going to get you a bandaide, stay here, and Polysporn) and in usage (as seen in out of her front window, pedaled faster and faster, a deep breathe of air, at leased five feet, a glass on lemonade, Your welcome, and felt bad) occasionally reduce clarity. Proportion of error to length and complexity of response has been considered. Reporting Category

Pf

Pf

79