Let’s stop asking “Where are you from?”

- It's natural curiosity. Whenever we hear an accent that we can't place or just to be friendly with someone we've met or in making small talk at work. We like to ask, "Where are you from?" Recognize that people with an out group accent are asked that question, "where are you from?" constantly. It can have a profound effect on their sense of belonging. It's a way of othering people in a subtle but persistent way. Almost like saying, "Oh, you don't belong here." And its effect can be cumulative. In fact, for many people, this can feel like a microaggression. Especially when the answer they give doesn't satisfy the listener and is met with a follow up question of, "No, but where are you really from?" And when you respond with a comment about how you love their food, music, or clothing, realize that you're reducing their identity to a small part of what makes them them. I get it, you want to relate. You want to find some commonality. But more often than not, "Where are you from?" tends to alienate people. Instead, there may be gentler and more respectful ways of asking questions to make small talk and get to know someone a bit better. Asking "Where's home for you?" allows a person to answer however they wish. It could be the next town over. Allow them to set the parameters for their response. They might say, "The next town over, but originally, I'm from Sudan." In which case, you might be free to ask a follow up question that is a little bit more thoughtful. Recognize too, that for many people the question of 'Where are you from?" might mean a mix of languages, cultures, and identities. They may have a very complicated history, having moved or immigrated from one country to another. So answering your question simply just isn't an option for them and they may not want to engage you with the complexity of their response. So instead I prefer to ask simpler questions like, "What's your story?" or even, "What different languages do you speak?" And I like the languages question because it doesn't assume a location. Someone who speaks Arabic can be from a wide range of countries, for example. It also assumes a more complex identity and allows us to explore the relationship between languages and culture. The bottom line is be aware of your responses towards accented speech. So that rather than potentially alienating people, you start and end with inclusion.