- Bill Firpo: Which direction are we going?
- Alvin Firpo: North.
- Bill Firpo: Are you sure? I thought we passed that farmhouse earlier.
- Dave Firpo: No, those farmhouses all look alike...
- Bill Firpo: Alvin, if we're going in circles, I'm going to break your neck.
- Alvin Firpo: We're not. I took four lefts, just like the map said.
- Bill Firpo: FOUR LEFTS IS A CIRCLE, YOU IDIOT.
- Bill Firpo: What are you doing?
- Alvin Firpo: You do what you do, I do what I do.
- Bill Firpo: Well. That enhances my state of security.
- Shaddus Peyser: [over police radio: click on] All units, this is Agent Peyser. We are in pursuit of a... 1994 black Pathfinder, license plate D U H -
- [click off]
- Shaddus Peyser: - that's appropriate, vanity plates -
- [click on]
- Shaddus Peyser: - D U H 1 7 1
- Bill Firpo: Excuse me, are you headed to Paradise?
- Trucker #1: Nope, New York City.
- Bill Firpo: [under his breath] Where were you five hours ago?
- Bill Firpo: I've got a feeling you're not telling me something.
- Dave Firpo: Well this feeling you're getting is paranoia.
- Alvin Firpo: Hey, let's just go.
- Ed Dawson: Will you stop hovering over like bad news?
- Clovis Minor: What do you want me to do?
- Ed Dawson: Bag this stuff.
- Clovis Minor: All of it?
- Ed Dawson: No. Just what you haven't become emotionally attached to.
- Hattie Anderson: Do you really want to do this?
- Bill Firpo: Do what?
- Hattie Anderson: You know rob the bank
- Dave Firpo: Absolutely! We have thought this over and we've made a decision!
- Hattie Anderson: But on Christmas Eve, it just doesn't seem right. You're going to ruin the winter fest.
- Bill Firpo: The winter fest? I've got a gun and your talking about the winter fest. Well who are you?
- Bill Firpo: Where are you going?
- Lila: [frightened] It's a robbery. I'm going to get you money out of the cash register.
- Bill Firpo: I'm robbing the bank.
- Lila: Well the bank is across the street.
- Caesar Spinoza: Hey Edna, how would you like to ride in the trunk?
- Ma Firpo: Edna? Edna? Are we sleeping together, I think not.
- Bill Firpo: Bless me father for I have sinned. It has been two weeks since my last confession
- Father Gorenzel: Is that Bill Firpo?
- Bill Firpo: Uh, Yes, it's Me father
- Father Gorenzel: Been Five YEARS since you've been to confession. Is that how you're gonna start the whole thing out?
- Alvin Firpo: [handing his gun to a random guy so he can steal his scrapple] Hold that? Mmm... yeah, scrapple. A little salt never hurt anybody.
- Bill Firpo: What are you doing?
- Alvin Firpo: I'm eatin' scrapple. It's got scallions.
- Alvin Firpo: Hey Dave, can we stop off and get some Ring Dings and milk?
- Bill Firpo: Ring Dings and milk? Oh sure. Then well get some balloons and go to the puppet show. What are you, two years old?
- Shaddus Peyser: Put an APB out on that car.
- Chief Burnell: Oh well I've already done that.
- Shaddus Peyser: Good. We'll be able to track them down especially if they're heading north.
- Bill Firpo: [next scene with Alvin driving] Alvin, which way are we headed?
- Alvin Firpo: North.
- Alvin Firpo: [after crashing car] Didn't have any snow chains.
- Dave Firpo: You have no brain, either.
- Bill Firpo: Where are you going?
- Dave Firpo: I'm going with you to get the key.
- Bill Firpo: No, you STAY HERE!
- Dave Firpo: Don't you two fall in love.
- [to the hostages]
- Dave Firpo: You heard him! I'm staying here!
- Bill Firpo: Dave... I know how your mind works. You know exactly what you're doing... and the whole time... you stand there... with this "who, me?"... expression... on your FACE!
- Vic Mazzucci: I won't throw her
- [Dave's ma]
- Vic Mazzucci: out the window as long as you do the right thing.
- Dave Firpo: All right, all right love ya too.
- Vic Mazzucci: [hangs up phone]
- [replies to ceasers question]
- Vic Mazzucci: He said he loves me...
- Bill Firpo: I'm tellin' ya, if I had a gun on me right now I'd go in there and take over that place.
- Dave Firpo: Bill, you wouldn't be angry if I were to tell you there might be guns in the trunk.
- Bill Firpo: Alvin pull the car over.
- Alvin Firpo: Wha?
- Bill Firpo: Pull it over!
- [singing to himself in the car]
- Alvin Firpo: You do what you do and I do what I do... you do what you do and I do what I do, I'm Alvin, and you're Bill.
- [Bill walks by and kicks the car, annoyed]
- Alvin Firpo: [driving away from Bill, Dave, and the car accidents he just caused] You want a piece of that? Kiss my ass.
- Bill Firpo: Our car ran off the road.
- Dick Anderson: Oh my god. Are you all right?
- Dave Firpo: Well were not dead if that's what you mean.
- Dave Firpo: [while teaching yoga to hostages] This is your basic yoga, I learned it in prison. It's good for stressful situations like this bank robbery, or if you're ever in prison and you're surrounded by ten men, helps relax you.
- Chief Burnell: Oh shit!
- Shaddus Peyser: You know these two?
- Chief Burnell: Yeah, unfortunately that's Ed Dawson and Clovis Minor. They're two of my deputies.
- Ed Dawson: Hey everyone. How ya doin'?
- Alvin Firpo: [panicking] I can't go back to prison. I learned my lesson already.
- Ma Firpo: [to Vic] Look what you started, you big gorilla.
- Vic Mazzucci: Look what I started? I don't know what you're talking about.
- Caesar Spinoza: Your idiot sons. If it wasn't for them, we'd be in prison without a care in the world.
- Ma Firpo: If it wasn't for your goddamn, long-winged, piece-of-shit, letter whining about how your daughter doesn't come to visit you no more, I never would've sent my boys down here in the first place.
- Vic Mazzucci: I never wrote any letter.
- [Bill stops pacing as he and Ma realize something and turn their attention toward Dave]
- Dave Firpo: [chuckles nervously] Ma. Who wrote what to whom? It's a moot point at this juncture. Don't you think? Especially given the gravity of the situation... outside.
- Bill Firpo: [disgusted] It just never ends with you.
- Clifford Anderson: Ahh, what do we have here?
- Rutag Guard: Two-hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Just sign here.
- [Bill starts choking on his cigarette]