How To Conquer Tough Talks: Speak Up Mastery Series, #1

Chapter 1: The Psychology of Difficult Conversations

Why Do Certain Conversations Feel Challenging?

It was a balmy evening in October. A soft cool breeze was blowing. Winter had not yet set in and we still had a few weeks to enjoy the outdoors. But I wasn’t seeing any of this. All I could hear was the pounding of my heart, a buzzing noise in my ears and palms that were suddenly clammy. I was about to have the most difficult conversation of my life with someone who was known for their short temper and quick flare-ups. The subject was delicate and it meant telling them that they were wrong, very wrong. I took a few deep breaths before I rang the doorbell. It was now or never before my nerve failed me completely.

Fast forward to a few hours later. Suffice it to say that the conversation quickly went south and I left, shaken, filled with self-doubts and angry for not standing up for myself – again.

Have you been in a similar situation? With a dominating spouse maybe, a hot-tempered  boss, or sometimes, even the cool-as-a-cucumber salesperson to whom you are going for a replacement.

Why are these conversations so difficult? Why do they drain us of every ounce of energy we have?  It is because we assume. We imagine the worst.

In Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen, the authors talk about assumptions about intentions. The truth is, intentions are invisible. We assume them from other people’s behavior. In other words, we make them up, we invent them.

Apparently, we may have come to the 21st century but our body still retains its ancient, primitive flight-fight-freeze responses.

And what decides whether we sail though the conversation or come back with frayed nerves is the command centre in our brain – where two Big Daddys – the amygdala and the hypothalamus - call all the shots.

At workplace, the most commonly cited  difficult conversation is the one you are about to have with either your reporting manager or the head of Human Resources for a salary raise.

At home, it could be with your rebellious teen with you, the parent, juggling the tightrope walk between being authoritative and empathetic.

In your neighborhood, it could be with a particularly waspish neighbor who insists on 'my way or the highway' arguments.

The list goes on...Because we are social beings, we interact with all kinds of people every single day. Some conversions are pleasant, some leave a bad taste in the mouth and some make us want to fight, flee or maybe even just freeze.

But, at the heart of any successful venture – in professional or in personal life - is human interaction. None of us live in a cave. Our waking hours are spent with people - family, neighbors, coworkers, people we meet on the daily commute, at the grocery store, in clubs, etc.

Each has a different personality to ours. Which means there will be the smooth with the rough.

Handling difficult conversations calls for a certain amount of emotional intelligence, which is also about self-control. Words are bridges between two people. But how we say them is equally, if not more, important than what we say.

So, why do certain conversations make us feel so uncomfortable? We want to avoid them for as long as possible, in the process elongating the mental stress and inner turmoil.

Here are some reasons that could make you rethink how you want to handle the next difficult conversation.

We label conversations as easy or difficult depending on our comfort level with the person we are going to have that conversation with, isn’t it? Talking to out best friend as opposed to talking with our superior at work.  The reason difficult conversations make us uncomfortable is because we recognize the potential for conflict, or potential damage to that relationship when we have such a conversation.

Confronting someone’s actions, exposing our own vulnerabilities, and possibly experiencing strong negative emotions like anger, frustration, or disappointment, can be unsettling to control and manage.

Understand the key reasons why difficult conversations make us uncomfortable. As they say, knowledge is power and the beginning of understanding.

Fear of negative repercussions

It’s all very well to vent it out, but what will it leave in its wake? A destroyed friendship? Loss of a job? Becoming socially ostracized?

Lack of confidence

If you are someone who struggles with being articulate, then having that difficult conversation can create ‘speaking anxiety’. Will I get my point across effectively?

Uncertain outcome

Things could improve or could go south – either way, you won’t know till you have actually had that conversation, which can add to the stress.

Emotional discomfort

Emotions often get in the way of such conversations. Words and tone can easily be colored with strong emotions like anger, frustration, or sadness, all of which can be challenging to express and deal with.

Vulnerability

It’s safe to hide behind a mask of feigned politeness but in the long run how good is that for one’s mental health? Which is why having a difficult conversation means you are forced to expose your true feelings, letting the other person know exactly how you feel. And that can be unnerving.

Past experiences

Negative past experiences of difficult conversations can make you avoid such situations as the anxiety associated with such memories can be a massive deterrent.

Cultural norms

In some cultures, openly sharing such real feelings may be discouraged, even considered outright rude, making difficult conversations even more uncomfortable. ​[1]

The Common Fears and Cognitive Biases that Affect Our Communication

Ever replayed a conversation in your head, worrying about the worst-case scenarios?

What if they reject