Power Up Power Down: How to Reclaim Control and Make Every Situation a Win-Win

CHAPTER ONE

What Is Power?

From the time I was a small child, I was aware of personal power. I think most of us are aware at some level how power plays out from the time we are little.

I was the youngest of four children and my oldest brother was eighteen years my senior. With that kind of age difference, I never felt my voice mattered, and no matter how hard I tried, I was just a pesky five-year-old.

But I wasn’t about to give up easily. I definitely found a way to be heard; I yelled at the top of my lungs! Basically, I would throw a tantrum and the louder I got, the more my family paid attention.

While this tactic of throwing a tantrum worked when I was young, needless to say, yelling becomes less and less effective as we age. The one power move that I believed served me well when I was little to get some attention (getting louder) actually detracted from me being taken seriously the older I got. However, those same feelings of not being heard persisted for many years.

Growing up, my champion was my dad and when he suddenly died when I was sixteen, the power dynamics in our family changed dramatically. Hoping to find answers through education (my dad had been the school superintendent), I majored in psychology and did some graduate work in behavioral therapy. I even went on to get a master’s degree in Human Services Administration, but something was still missing. I still didn’t feel very powerful.

After I finished grad school, I worked in the non-profit world for a number of years and had a successful career doing development, consulting, and training.

One crisp, fall morning, I arrived early to attend an executive board meeting for a foundation where I was serving as a consultant. They had asked me to sit in and offer insights and suggestions on how to use the meeting to better engage the board.

During the allotted networking time before this 7 a.m. meeting, a new female board member and I were talking with one of the longtime board members. He was sharing how he had rented a retreat facility to host twenty people, affording them time together to draw on their collective expertise and improve their leadership skills and influence. It sounded interesting, and I was intrigued. I mentioned to him that if he ever had an open spot, I would be very interested in attending.

He replied, Oh, I’m sorry, it’s only for men. I believe men are the true leaders.

Before I could respond, we were interrupted, and he was pulled away. I turned to the woman standing beside me and asked if she had heard and interpreted the statement in the same way I had. She nodded sharply and her lips were pursed. I could see that she was stewing internally, and it wasn’t long before she expressed her outrage by stating how she couldn’t believe that way of thinking even still existed in this day and age!

Although she remained very poised during the meeting, I could tell she was simmering under the surface as each minute passed. To top it off, this same longtime board member had no qualms about repeating his only men are invited statement as he told the rest of the board about the upcoming leadership weekend.

Since I had heard this statement earlier, I was able to observe how the other powerful and prominent female board members reacted to his statement of female exclusion. I could not only sense their distaste, but the same disapproval was reflected among a number of male board members as well.

But guess what? Nobody challenged him.

When I looked around the table and realized that no one was going to say anything, I had an epiphany. I finally recognized that nobody takes our power. We give it away, often with our silence. In this case, it was through each board member remaining silent about their colleague’s egregious statement.

Everyone in that room had willingly (albeit unconsciously) handed over their power in order to keep the peace. Armed with this enlightened understanding, I saw clearly that the future well-being of the foundation’s leadership teetered on a precipice.

As the meeting continued, I watched firsthand how the power dynamics changed based on this one man’s statement. It was obvious this particular board member had all the power and influence in the meeting while the others were scrambling to reclaim their positioning by kowtowing to him.

As I watched this play out from the sidelines, I saw the verbal and nonverbal interaction of the group shift. And I have to admit, I was in a quandary about what to do.

As the consultant, it wasn’t my place to call him out, especially not publicly.

My solution was simple but actually quite strategic. When I got the opportunity, I addressed the board as a whole and asked the question: With the weekend coming up that’s only open to a limited number of people, what other opportunities are available for other members of the leadership team?

One of the female board members let the group know of a high-end leadership workshop being offered that was still open. And in fact, she offered to sponsor anyone who wanted to attend.

As I continued to watch this scenario play out, it dawned on me. Changing the power balance in the room can happen with the right understanding of how power dynamics work.

It wasn’t just about men vs. women or older vs. younger. There was something else at play.

It was then I decided that somehow, someway, I would find a way to level the playing field.

Power Defined

Let’s start by making sure we’re on the same page with the definition of power. There are lots of perceptions about what power is.

In some ways, describing power is like describing the wind. You know it’s there and you can feel it, but it’s hard to put into words.

Throughout time, power has taken on many meanings, but the power we are talking about is not as simple as putting gas in a car and stepping on the accelerator to propel the vehicle forward.

The power I’m talking about is that unseen mysterious energy that exists between each of us and how its use can either increase or decrease our ability to influence and accomplish our goals. Harnessing this power the right way leads to positive interactions with others, getting things done, and creates an environment where cooperation and diversity can flourish.

At its most basic level, power can be channeled by aligning our mindset, body movements, and verbal inflection. Much like plugging a lamp into an outlet, we need to plug into the appropriate power response in any given situation.

This interpersonal energy is central to every one of our interactions. Yes, every interaction. Power is an inherent social contract. When you are dealing with family, friends, coworkers, or strangers, there is always an element of power in play.

This unseen power element isn’t male or female, white or black, boss or employee, or any other contrasting element. It is gender, race, and hierarchically neutral. Power is defined simply as the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events. It’s an energy that ebbs and flows as we interact with others.

Power just exists.

That said, there’s often a look to those who appear powerful to us, and we subconsciously perceive it. It’s communicated in the way people stand, take up space, and use their vocal tonality. In fact, our brain gives twelve times more significance to gestures and body language than words.

How we communicate nonverbally (energetically) plays a huge role in our ability to express our power.

Power and Energy

The idea of energy around power hit home for me when I was at an event and a surprise celebrity came into the room.

In my role as a corporate fundraiser, I’ve had the opportunity to meet many exceptional people who were generous in their philanthropy.

One evening, I was invited to a small dinner party given by one of our very committed donors at his country club. He told me he had invited an out-of-town friend to join us and there would be just seven of us for dinner.

I was mingling with him and a few of the other guests when he saw his friend come to the door. He turned to the group and said, Hey, everyone, I’d love for you to meet my dear friend, Morgan Freeman.

As you can imagine, having an Academy Award-winning actor walk in changed the atmosphere in the room!

Known for his diverse roles in movies such as Driving Miss Daisy, Shawshank Redemption, and the comedy Bruce Almighty (where he played God), Morgan Freeman is a formidable force.

Sitting at the table that night, he exuded power, not because of anything he said, but just by his presence alone. You could feel the shift in the room as this accomplished actor arrived to have a normal dinner with friends. His energy was powerful.

But is this kind of energy and power just reserved for celebrities? Not in the