Dog Save The Queen

DOG SAVE THE QUEEN

By Duncan Allan

Cover illustration by Jessica Price

© 2022

All rights reserved.

A catalogue record for this book is available

from the National Library of New Zealand

ISBN: 978-0-473-65549-5

CHAPTER 1

HEADMASTER’S OFFICE NOW! Mrs Lovecraft shouted.

Sidney glared. She always got the blame when someone was talking. True, most of the time it was her (and Johnny of course), but not always. Yet it was always Sidney that Mrs Lovecraft looked to first, as if she were the only one that ever talked. She thought about poking her tongue out or saying she wouldn’t go, that it wasn’t her; that Mrs Lovecraft was just a mean old meanie who had a bum for a face.

Johnny leaned close and whispered, Just go Sidney. I’ll see you after class.

You too, Johnny! Mrs Lovecraft yelled, and the other kids sniggered.

No fair, I wasn’t even talking.

I just saw you.

I was telling Sidney to do what you were…

I don’t want to hear it. Both of you out now! Mrs Lovecraft put her hands on her hips. That meant she was really mad. Though not as mad as Sidney felt right now.

I didn’t do anything! Sidney screamed, so loud that the windows rattled. She walked out the door and slammed it behind her. The windows shook again. Johnny didn’t say anything, he just opened the door again and walked out, leaving it open so that Mrs Lovecraft would have to walk over and shut it herself. It was just a little thing, but it made Johnny feel better, knowing Mrs Lovecraft had to shut the door when she didn’t open it. Just like how Johnny was getting in trouble for something he didn’t do.

What comes round and round, goes round and round, Johnny muttered. He didn’t know for sure what that meant, but he thought he had a pretty good idea. His dad always said it when they watched TV in the evening. Especially when it was the news and someone from Parmalent got in trouble. That seemed to happen a lot.

His dad would nudge Johnny and say, See? What goes round and round, comes round and round. 

Or sometimes, See? You step on the little guy, you get stood on eventually.

Johnny was pretty sure he was the little guy right now. Ahead of him, Sidney was walking slowly, taking big, heavy steps so that her shoes thudded on the ground, making echoes in the empty hallway. Johnny ran till he came up alongside Sidney. He put his arm around her. She looked at him briefly then back down at the ground and watched her shoes as they thud, thud, thudded.

Don’t worry about it, Johnny said.

Sidney didn’t look up.

He continued, Old bum face, what does she know anyway?

The hint of a smile appeared on Sidney’s face. She farts instead of talks, Sidney said and they both started laughing.

The Headmaster’s office was at the end of the hall. The door to the office had frosted glass so nobody could see inside. On the glass were the words ‘Headmaster Moonbottom’. Sidney and Johnny often wondered how the Headmaster ended up with such a funny last name. They’d come up with stories:

His bum is all grey like the moon.

The moon’s made out of cheese and his farts smell like cheese.

His bum is so big you can see it from space.

He does exploding farts like a rocket ship flying to the moon.

Pretty much every story was about bums or farts. There weren’t many other stories you could make up with the words ‘moon’ and ‘bottom’.

Sidney knocked on the door.

Come in, a voice called from inside.

Sidney opened the door and they both walked in. Headmaster Moonbottom was behind his enormous wooden desk. It was the biggest desk they’d ever seen, and when Headmaster Moonbottom was sitting in his chair, all you could see was his head poking out above the desk. If he didn’t come out of his office occasionally and wander the halls, they might have believed he didn’t have a body at all.

Come in, come in. It’s great to see you, Headmaster Moonbottom said.

He was always happy. Sidney once heard her Mum say that Headmaster Moonbottom ate special pills that made him happy all the time. Sidney asked him about it once, but Headmaster Moonbottom just said that it was his job that made him happy.

What job? Sidney had asked. Telling kids off?"

"I don’t tell kids off, Headmaster Moonbottom had replied while beaming a great big smile. I tell kids on."

Headmaster Moonbottom was always saying weird stuff like that. Stuff that never made sense to anyone else.

So what can I do for you two today? Headmaster Moonbottom asked. Staying out of trouble I hope?

Sidney and Johnny looked at each other. Sidney shrugged.

Headmaster Moonbottom, Johnny said, "We only come to see you when we’re in trouble."

We can fix that Headmaster Moonbottom said. Next time you’re in trouble I’ll come and see you.

But we’d still be in trouble? Sidney glanced at Johnny quizically. This time Johnny shrugged.

Yes indeed, I don’t have all the answers, not even close. Sometimes I don’t have any answers at all, Headmaster Moonbottom said. He smiled.

Sidney and Johnny didn’t know what to say.

I might not have all the answers, Headmaster Moonbottom continued, but do you know what I do have?

Sidney shrugged and Johnny shook his head.

Green lollipops! He opened a jar on his desk and pulled out two lollipops. He offered them to Sidney and Johnny.

Go on, have a lollipop.

Sidney and Johnny each took one.

But I thought we were in trouble, Headmaster Moonbottom, Johnny said.

Ah yes, indeed you were, the headmaster replied. Well, better give those lollipops back then, you two rascals. He held out his hands and waited for Johnny and Sidney to drop the lollipops back into them. Once they did, he said, Right, you two can go now. I hope you’ve learnt from this?

Sidney giggled and Johnny jabbed her with his elbow. Yes we have, Headmaster Moonbottom. We’ll never do it again, Johnny said.

Great! Headmaster Moonbottom put a lollipop in his own mouth. Unless you did something good of course. What was it you did exactly?

We didn’t do anything, Johnny said.

Well, that’s not something I can help you with I’m afraid. I only help with ‘somethings’, not ‘nothings’. Looks like this is a problem you’re just going to have to solve yourselves. He smiled and walked to the door, opening it for Johnny and Sidney.

Now, back to class, I do enjoy visitors but there’s a time and a place for everything and this is it. What the time and place for nothing is, I don’t know.

Johnny and Sidney walked out the door. As soon as they were out of earshot, Johnny said, I think he gets weirder every time I see him.

"I don’t think it’s possible to