Communication During Performance Reviews

“Can I give you some feedback?” My stomach drops. “What did I do wrong?” “Am I in trouble?” “Do they regret hiring me?” “Is this the beginning of the end?” They haven’t even finished the sentence. Welcome to Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD). For many ADHD and autistic professionals, feedback doesn’t land as neutral data. It lands as threat. Not because we’re fragile. Not because we can’t grow. Not because we don’t want accountability. But because our nervous system reacts before logic gets a vote. What leaders often intend: 📌 Improvement 📌 Refinement 📌 Development What some neurodivergent brains hear: 🚨 Rejection 🚨 Failure 🚨 Loss of belonging And when that gap isn’t understood? People mask. Over-apologise. Over-work. Over-achieve. Burn out trying to prove they’re still “enough.” Here’s what helps: ✔ Start with clarity: “This isn’t about your performance overall.” ✔ Separate behaviour from identity ✔ Be specific, not global ✔ Avoid vague tone shifts (“we need to talk…”) ✔ Offer written follow-up to reduce rumination ✔ Invite processing time And for neurodivergent professionals: You’re not “too sensitive.” Your brain just processes social threat differently. The goal isn’t to avoid feedback. It’s to deliver it in a way that doesn’t activate survival mode. Leaders, what has improved how feedback lands in your team? Neurodivergent professionals, what makes feedback feel safe for you? #ADHDAtWork #AutismAtWork #InclusiveLeadership #Neurodiversity #RSD #BelongingNotFittingIn #LeadershipDevelopment

Leaders who avoid hard feedback aren’t protecting their people, they are setting them up to fail. Feedback is one of the most powerful tools we have in leadership but it’s also one of the most misused. Because leaders confuse compassion with avoidance, softening the truth until it loses all usefulness, or withholding it altogether under the guise of kindness. Compassionate feedback is about caring enough to be honest, in a way that allows other people to hear it. At APS Intelligence, we use a framework for compassionate feedback, designed to ensure that even difficult messages are delivered with clarity and respect: 1. Frame the feedback - Start by recognising effort and value to create psychological safety and remind people their work is seen and appreciated. 2. Ask permission - Feedback lands better when people feel like they have agency. Asking “Can I talk to you about something I’ve noticed?” is, as Dr. Shelby Hill says, a gentle knock on the door of someone’s psyche instead of barging in. 3. Be precise and objective - Describe what you’ve observed, not your interpretation of it. Feedback should focus on behaviour, not character. 4. Explain the impact - Share how the behaviour affects others or the work. Clarity about consequences builds accountability without blame. 5. Stay curious and open - Avoid assumptions. Ask questions that invite dialogue and understanding, not defence. 6. Collaborate on next steps - Offer support, not ultimatums. Feedback should be a shared problem to solve instead of a burden to bear. 7. End with perspective - Reaffirm their strengths and remind them that one issue does not define their value. Compassionate feedback allows honesty and humanity to coexist. It ensures that when people walk away, they feel respected, even if the message was hard to hear. This is a framework we use often at APS Intelligence. You can book a tailored workshop for your people managers or leadership cohorts to explore this further.

Q. Is a "feedback sandwich" still a best practice? (a word of praise followed by constructive feedback, then more praise)? A. No. When a "feedback sandwich" is effective it's not because of the "sandwich" format. It's because there is already enough trust established between the manager and the employee that the employee can accept the manager's suggestions easily - meaning the "sandwich" wasn't even necessary. The reason so much managerial feedback is badly received by employees is not because of the way it's delivered. It's because the relationship between the manager and the employee isn't strong enough. We easily accept feedback from people we trust - like a family member or good friend. A manager can establish that level of trust by being someone employees look up to and respect. It takes time to build trust but it's absolutely worth it. When your teammates trust and respect you, it's because you trust and respect them too. When you reach that point, they'll not only listen to your feedback, they'll ask for it. For years managers have been taught that certain words or phrases or techniques like the "feedback sandwich" will help their feedback be better received, but this is bad advice. It goes counter to everything we know about people. If the reason you're able to give feedback is because you're the manager and they are not - an unequal power relationship - your feedback is not likely to do any good. It can easily damage your relationships even further. Trust is the key. Someone has a PTO request? Make it your highest priority to approve it. Someone needs you to look at a document? Do it as quickly as you can. There's no mystery about how to build trust on your team. The problem is that in many organizations they don't talk about this topic. They don't give it much importance. They assume that being a manager is enough. You're the manager, so employees must listen to you. But it's not true. If there's too little trust, your feedback will feel like a threat. With trust in the mix, you'll address anything that needs to be shared in the moment, like this: YOU: Sandy, what was the story with that Acme Explosives thing? SANDY: Oh, they have a new Receiving person who didn't see the Priority code on the bill of lading. We got it straightened out. YOU: Great, thanks. Somebody at Acme was hot about it. Leo, I think? He called me. I talked him down but he wasn't thrilled. SANDY: He's the Receiving manager. Thanks for talking to him. YOU: What can we do when that kind of thing happens, to avoid a small problem blowing up? SANDY: I got too worked up. I was trying to help the new Receiving guy but I guess he was nervous about making a mistake, so he was defensive and I was too harsh. That's my bad. Sorry about that. YOU: Okay, no problem, do I need to do anything else? SANDY: No, I'll shoot Leo an email and copy you in. I know what to say. YOU: Tremendous, thanks!

Let’s stop using the sh*t sandwich. You know, you have to deliver feedback, so you follow the ‘kiss-kick-kiss’ formula because we all want to be nice and want the conversation to end on a light note. But guess what? That won’t help. It won’t get you the outcome you want. Here’s why: - It confuses the message - the purpose of the conversation gets muddled in amongst the ‘nice things’. - It plays to the primacy and recency effects - we’re more likely to remember the first and last things we hear… the important stuff in the middle is forgotten. - It won’t have the impact you need - if you really need behaviour to change, then padding the feedback with fluffy stuff won’t get cut through. Instead, try using some of these tips: - Start by explaining why you’re having the conversation. I love Adam Grant’s advice here: ‘I’m sharing this because I have high expectations and I’m confident you can meet them.’ - Frame it as ‘advice’ rather than ‘feedback’. That works the other way around too, when you want people to give you feedback. - Talk about the role, not the person. - Use open language - ie, instead of saying, ‘You should have done X’, say, ‘What could you have done differently?’. What other tips have you heard or used that have been helpful? Please share! #communication #tips #feedback [Image description: Blue tile with two hand-drawn cartoon figures. One is talking and smiling at the other, with a speech bubble above their head with the words 'blah blah blah blah!'. The other looks confused, with a thought bubble above their head with a big question mark. The text reads: Construction conversation tip: Stop using the sh*t sandwich.]

What if your GPS told you that you missed your turn four miles ago, rather than in the moment? You’d be furious. You’d also be lost. And yet that’s how most of us get feedback at work. You get a mid-year review in June about a habit that started in February. By the time you hear about it, you’re already three counties past where you should have turned. Not helpful. In high school, I was a competitive public speaker. The second I flubbed a line, my coaches and teammates pointed it out on the spot. I saw the mistake, owned it, and fixed it before I’d left the room. That’s how I got really good really fast. You can build something similar at work. If you’re brave (and I know you are) ask the people around you to “catch you in the act.” It means inviting your manager, peers, or direct reports to flag what you’re doing the second they see it, while you can still do something about it. It takes guts. It also works. (Honestly, most of MY real-time feedback comes from my kids. “MOM!!! You’re doing that thing”) A few things to know before you try it: 1. Drop your defenses before the feedback lands. Real-time correction stings, EVEN when you asked for it. 2. Make a specific ask or you’ll get nothing useful. “Help me get better” won’t help you get better. “Tell me when you hear me interrupting in our Tuesday meeting” is a request someone can actually fulfill. 3. Ask to be caught doing it RIGHT, too. Real-time reinforcement is just as powerful as real-time correction. When my kids were in nursery school, the teacher had a “CBG Box” — Caught Being Good. The stickers in that box were as exciting and motivating as being acknowledges for good behavior. 4. Thank the people doing the catching. They’re spending attention they don’t have to give you. I wrote about all of this in my new piece for Psychology Today, including how to make the ask without melting into a puddle of feedback shame. Read it here: https://lnkd.in/eSc2zdif #feedback #coaching #performancemanagement

Did you know that 65% of employees say they want more feedback, but only 30% receive it regularly? No wonder so many teams feel stuck and unaligned. A few weeks ago, during a coaching conversation with my coachee, she said something that really made me pause: "I’ve never received feedback or even acknowledgment, so I don’t know if I’m doing great or falling short." She wasn’t upset—just confused. And it hit me: This isn’t just her experience. It happens to so many leaders and teams. This conversation reminded me of a deeper issue: feedback in many organizations feels like a formality—something you do during reviews or “feedback season.” But here’s the thing: when feedback becomes a box to check, it reflects the culture. In a culture like that, feedback feels like judgment, not growth. Why Feedback Feels Hard Let’s be honest: feedback is uncomfortable. People avoid it, not because they don’t care, but because: ⇢ They’re not sure how to say it. ⇢ They worry it’ll hurt feelings. ⇢ They assume no news is good news. But feedback doesn’t have to be a big, stressful moment. It can—and should—be part of everyday conversations. When feedback isn’t natural, it leads to: ⇢ Confusion about expectations. ⇢ Missed chances to grow. ⇢ Teams and leaders feeling stuck. But in a culture where feedback flows freely, it feels different. Feedback becomes: ⇢ A way to stay aligned. ⇢ A tool for building trust. ⇢ A shared responsibility to grow together. That’s the kind of culture where people thrive. If you’re a leader, here’s how you can shift the mindset: ⇢ Make It a Conversation, Not an Event Don’t save feedback for reviews. A quick “You did great on X” or “Let’s tweak Y” is enough to keep things moving. ⇢ Ask for Feedback First Start with your team: “What’s one thing I can do better?” It shows you’re open and creates a safe space for them to do the same. ⇢ Set Expectations Early When everyone knows what success looks like, feedback feels clear—not like guesswork. ⇢ Build Trust People need to feel safe to give and receive feedback. Without trust, it just doesn’t work. Last year, when I was at a crossroads in my career, I had a conversation with Nathan SV that changed the way I look at things. He helped me realize that career growth isn’t just about me—it’s about the impact I can have on the organization I work for. That’s the power of honest, meaningful feedback. Thank you, Thalaiva! Over to You ⇢ When was the last time you gave someone honest feedback? ⇢ When was the last time you asked for it? Feedback isn’t about pointing out what’s wrong. It’s about aligning for what’s next. Let’s make feedback a natural part of work—not something we fear, but something we embrace. #Leadership #FeedbackCulture #GrowthMindset #OrganizationalCulture #CareerGrowth #WorkplaceCulture

When Good Training Fails: A Neuroscience Wake-Up Call I will never forget walking into that tech company’s sleek office. Awards lined the lobby, the energy was palpable. Their HR director welcomed me with a familiar mix of enthusiasm and frustration. "We have done everything," she said. "Leadership programmes, feedback training, even brought in the high-profile consultants. Our managers nod along, take notes… and then nothing changes." I smiled. I had heard this before. This was not a training issue. It was a brilliant team stuck in the oldest trap in organisational development: assuming that knowing better automatically leads to doing better. When I spoke with their team leaders, the real story emerged: - I know I should give more feedback, but by Thursday, I am drowning - It feels awkward to bring it up. - I tried, but it felt forced. Then one engineering lead said something I will never forget: "You are teaching us to swim, then dropping us back in the desert and wondering why we are not practising." This was not about willpower. The environment was not designed to support the behaviour. So we changed that. +  We embedded 7-minute "connection checkpoints" into Monday meetings. + Placed simple "feedback cards" on desks. + Blocked out sacred time in calendars labelled "Team Investment Time". + Created peer accountability with one powerful weekly question: + "What conversation did you have that made someone stronger?" Months later, I received a video of a wall filled with anonymous notes of meaningful feedback. 😊 One note simply read: "For the first time, I feel seen here." 💙 Behaviour change is not about what we teach. It is about what people return to. Our brains need environments that make the right behaviours the easy ones. 🧠 So I will leave you with this: What behaviour are you trying to change in your organisation? And what have you done to redesign the environment to support it? Start with what matters. Use neuroscience to uncover the barriers. Then reimagine and reinforce the environment around the behaviour. Because we cannot expect people to change if everything around them stays the same. 💡

Why Sandwich Feedback Doesn’t Work—And What To Do Instead A friend once told me about a feedback habit that completely changed how he experienced praise. Early in his career, he worked under a manager who always used the sandwich method. Every feedback conversation followed the same pattern: ✅ A compliment to start. ⚠️ The real critique in the middle. ✅ Another compliment to wrap it up. At first, he didn’t think much of it. But over time, something strange started happening. Whenever his manager started a conversation with “You’re doing a great job!”—his heart would race. His stomach would tighten. His brain would skip ahead, anticipating the inevitable “but…” Praise wasn’t encouraging anymore. It was a warning sign. The pattern was so predictable that even when feedback was genuinely positive, he struggled to believe it. The compliments felt like a setup, and the critique felt like the only part that mattered. Turns out, this isn’t just in his head. Why the Sandwich Method Fails: Neuroscience tells us that our brains naturally focus more on negative feedback than positive. When praise and critique are sandwiched together, the criticism overshadows everything else. Instead of making feedback easier to digest, the sandwich method confuses the message and dilutes the impact. What Works Instead? ✔ Deliver feedback clearly and separately. Let praise be praise, and critique be critique. Each should stand on its own so both feel meaningful. ✔ Make feedback normal. If feedback only happens during formal reviews, it becomes something to fear. Regular, informal conversations build trust and make feedback part of growth—not an event to endure. ✔ Focus on clarity, not cushioning. Kindness isn’t about sugarcoating—it’s about honesty, delivered with respect. People want to improve, but they need to know what to work on. Some management practices sound good in theory but don’t hold up in reality. Sandwich feedback is one of them. What’s the best (or worst) feedback you’ve ever received?

This is my BIGGEST management mistake   (It's going to surprise you...)   → Reading and following all the old management books.   Some were good, but many were just full of outdated techniques.   Here are the management things I learnt but NEVER follow:   "Your team shouldn't be your friends." We need boundaries, but why not be friends with those we spend most of our time with? Work's way better when you can debate, laugh, and genuinely connect with your team.   "If they ask you, answer them." Diving in with advice is a great way to invite more questions. Better to empower your team by asking them questions in return, setting the destination, not the route.   "You need to be 'tough but fair'." Being tough is overrated. Opt for being open, honest, and direct. Create an environment where everyone can speak up without fear of disrespect.   "Hire slowly and fire fast." Rapid firing damages morale and trust. Really get to know the people you hire, equip them for success, and if things don’t work out, handle it thoughtfully.   "If you can't measure something, you can't manage it." Who says everything vital can be measured? Trust, enthusiasm, and loyalty make a great team and can't be quantified. Focus on building commitment rather than obsessing over metrics.   "Deliver feedback using 'the sandwich' - bad news between two positives." Stop sugar-coating feedback. It's destructive and muddles the message. Your success as a manager is based on how many uncomfortable conversations you're willing to have.   "Make sure your team know your 'door is always open'." Sounds great, but not everyone feels comfortable approaching you. Instead, schedule 30 mins every fortnight for people to bring feedback and voice concerns.   "Faster is always better in management." Quick decisions are often poor ones. Good leaders consider all angles and make informed decisions that last, rather than hasty ones that unravel quickly.   "If you need to solve something, book a meeting." Meetings can flaw the momentum. Aways prefer a quick call or a DM. Save the meeting room for the big stuff that truly needs attention.   "Performance should lead to promotion." Promote people when they show potential, not just results. That way, we're growing leaders, not just rewarding the last man standing.   "You need to monitor, enforce, and maintain control." Rather than control, set standards, praise, encourage, and develop. Give employees something to run towards, not away from.   "Decisions aren't personal - they're just business." Every decision impacts lives, so how can it not be personal? Own your choices and their consequences, and ditch the "just business" excuse.   The way to achieve your own success in leadership is to be willing to act on your OWN beliefs.   Do you agree?   ♻️ Found this helpful? Repost to help your LinkedIn network.   And follow Rob Dance for more content like this!

The hardest feedback conversation I have ever had was not with an under performer. It was with a high-potential leader. ⭐ She cared deeply about her team. She was thoughtful, steady, and genuinely proud of how she led others. When I first raised the feedback, it caught her off guard. Not because she disagreed with me, but because she did not see it in herself. At the time, one of her direct reports was not meeting the expectations of a role that had evolved. The gap was widening. Our team risked delivering on a critical initiative. ⚠️ When I listened to her coaching conversations, I could hear how much she wanted to be supportive and helpful to her direct report. The conversations sounded warm. They sounded encouraging. They sounded kind. But the core message was getting lost. ❌ I told her something that felt uncomfortable to say out loud: “This is making you feel better. It is not helping your direct report.” The "feedback sandwich" was protecting her from discomfort- you know the one: positive-negative-positive feedback. The positivity wrapped around the message was not dishonest, but it was manufactured. It made the conversation easier for her to deliver, but harder for the other person to understand what actually needed to change. She did not push back. She went quiet. She took time to process. She genuinely believed she was doing the right thing... When she came back, she was committed to working together to construct clear, objective feedback intended to drive results and benefit the business. ✅ Over the next year, we worked on clarity in coaching and delivering feedback. Not harshness. Not bluntness for the sake of being blunt. Just clean, direct expectations delivered without artificial cushioning. Something important happened as a result. The underperforming team member began to see the misalignment more clearly. Once expectations were specific and consistent, it became easier for that individual to recognize that the role was no longer the right fit. They chose to pursue something better aligned with their strengths, which was ultimately good for them and for the team. What changed most was not her empathy. It was her precision. The team gained clarity. The leader gained confidence. And the conversations became more honest, even when they were uncomfortable. Performance management is often framed as something punitive. In reality, avoiding clarity is what does the most damage. When leaders cushion too much, people stay in roles where they are quietly struggling, and no one benefits from that. Support is not the same as softness. The kindest thing a leader can offer is the truth early enough for it to matter. 🗝️