perni

I learned a very valuable lesson today, and that is most movies from our childhood should stay in our childhood, never to be seen or heard from again no matter how strong the temptation may become! I learned this lesson the hard way by sitting down with my best friend and allow her to subject me to the horror that is Dot & Keeto.

This title is actually part of a four movie collection which includes Dot and the Koala, Dot and the Whale, and Dot and the Smugglers. But one is more than enough for my indigestion, as today's feature is just so wretched and stupid that it made me wanna run screaming from my friend's house and into the busy streets.

Dot is an Australian girl whose brother constantly terrorizes the local insect life, including a group of ants. While Dot tries to convince her wicked sibling that hurting bugs is not right, the devious little brat pays her no heed. This opening sequence was shot in live action, by the way, and it's painfully obvious that every line of dialog was dubbed in during post-production.

Then, out of nowhere, Dot starts babbling about how her friend the kangaroo told her about two magical roots. One will make you very small and the other will allow you to talk to the animals. Okay, why would Dot have to eat the root which would let her talk to animals if she heard about the roots from a KANGAROO? Hello?! Anyone? Anyway, she eats the root which makes you small and for some reason becomes a badly animated cartoon version of herself.

The rest of the movie, which drags on forever even at 75 minutes, quite literally has Dot walking around aimlessly while talking to various cartoon bugs and watching live action stock footage of those bugs. I don't think I have to point out that the mix of live action and animation is hardly seamless, when in fact it's atrocious. The worst part, however, is that there's hardly any story here! Dot meets some good bugs, gets kidnapped by ants, sings countless bad songs, then is given the magical root by her kangaroo friend so she can become her normal size again.

I can understand why my friend would have liked this movie as a young kid, since we all had movies we saw repeatedly despite the fact that they were awful, but that doesn't mean I didn't kick and scream through this movie. Avoid it at all costs, which shouldn't be hard seeing as how it's not available anywhere outside of our local video store. 0/4 stars!

Of all the movies that have been based on Marvel characters these past couple of years, The Punisher is easily the worst. Sure, The Hulk was bad, too, but at least it wasn't as boring as this forgettable piece of junk. It seemed like the movie took forever and a day to actually set up the character of The Punisher, and when we finally get to hear Frank Castle refer to himself as the title character it doesn't matter because the movie is over anyway. Oh, well! Where's the exit?

The reason I said this movie reminded me of a hardcore episode of the now defunct sitcom Becker is because it actually plays out as such in a lot of scenes. Just replace Ted Danson with Frank Castle and you have the exact same gruff, antisocial fellah trying to get along with all of his wacky neighbors who want to cheer him up. Ugh, and these neighbors are so over-the-top and silly it's lamentable. Bumpo (yes, they call him Bumpo and don't ask me why because I'm not a witty Hollywood executive) is the fat guy who likes to eat a lot, while Danny's only obvious personality trait is his multiple peircings.

I hated how a lot of this movie was played for laughs, not just with the neighbors themselves but a certain fight scene between Frank and a Russian who's simply referred to as The Russian (give me a break). This guy wears a red and white striped shirt which makes him look like Bluto from the Popeye cartoon, and during the whole fight opera music is being played in Bumpo's apartment. * See, the movie is making the comparison of sophisticated opera music to the gritty, unsophisticated nature of the fight, thus causing us to laugh.

* I'm being smarmy.

And while I rarely point how a movie's score, The Punisher has such a terrible one that I simply must say something. Almost none of the music works, including the idiotic high noon theme played whenever Frank is doing something violent or is facing a new opponent. Also, who the heck approved the generic Evil Music which plays during most of John Travolta's scenes? You know the kind: Dah dah dun DAHHH! It's very dramatic and cheesy, like something you'd hear at the cliffhanger of every old Batman episode.

Speaking of Travolta, he proves once again here that he has no business playing a villain of any sort. While he's not nearly as campy as his alien role in Battlefield Earth, he certainly comes close, gnashing his teeth together and bulging his eyes out at every turn. "Remember, I've got more guns than you!" he says with utter seriousness, as if that line could ever be pulled off well. John, take my humble advice and stick to making a few dozen more Look Who's Talking movies.

And as if that weren't enough to make me blow raspberries at this movie, The Punisher has one of the worst endings of any movie I've seen, in that it's so anticlimactic no one would could feel satisfied. Frank is supposed to be up against this giant mob force which can supposedly take down anything and anyone, but all he has to do is slip past an unarmed gate and he pretty much takes down the entire syndicate. And how does Travolta get axed? Not in a cool villain way, no, but whining and wailing like a girl. Yeah, great ending movie! Now can I have my eight bucks back?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't The Punisher supposed to be this insane force of hatred who uses any means necessary to take down those who do wrong? Then why the heck does he spend his time placing fake fire hydrants next to the car of John Travolta's wife in the movie so she'll get parking tickets?! Should we call him The Prankster now??? I can't go on anymore. Just forget this movie ever existed and move on with your lives! 1/4 stars

I think that when all of us were kids we had one or two movies that we loved so much that we sat down and watched them dozens of times. For me one of those movies was Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night, which is definitely a lesser known animated feature but all the same still holds up today. After ordering a copy from Amazon.com and watching it again all these years later, I was pleasantly surprised that Emperor entertained me even at my usually cynical age.

Sure, you could nitpick that the animation is inconsistent, with some scenes appearing less detailed while others are excessively so, and that certain backgrounds are obviously repeated during chase scenes ala The Flintstones (it's even more pronounced here due to the visible line in the visuals), but frankly those didn't hamper my enjoyment of the film. The animation is usually quite vibrant and expressive, and the story takes the usual Pinocchio antics in a different direction by providing an actual villain in the uber-creepy Emperor (voiced by that staple of movie villains, James Earl Jones). In fact, much of the movie is downright dark, from the opening sequence where a demented carnival seems to set itself up to Pinocchio's transformation back into a puppet. I'm not saying any of this will scare kids today, as they've probably seen much worse, but it does give a good balance to the otherwise cheerful imagery.

I can't get through this review without mentioning the handful of songs which are peppered throughout Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night. I can't get enough of "Love Is The Light Inside Your Heart," which is just a beautiful little pop ballad that I can't get out of my head because it's so memorable. True, the Fairy Godmother may sound like she's doped up during her speaking lines, but the song is great. "Neon Cabaret" is more of a background song than "Love," but it still has a nice little jazz beat that goes well with its scene, a night club where children basically throw back green alcohol (come on ya know it was alcohol) and go nuts. Finally there's "Your A Star," which while not a phenomenal song once again fits with the visuals of the sequence. Like I said before, much of the visuals of the movie are extremely well done and give the movie a vintage '80s feel I couldn't help but like.

Now this is coming from a guy who's reviewed countless animated movie, but I think it's safe to say that young kids could still get a kick out of this movie. It's got everything the modern animated flicks have, but without the crass marketing. And the sidekicks aren't half as tiresome or irritating, with the only ones being a glow worm voiced by Don Knotts and a bee named Grumblebee. Some sections of the film may seem like filler, like the scene involving a toad and a city of insects which lasts a bit too long, but other than that I give Pinocchio and the Emperor of the Night an enthusiastic recommendation. 3/4 stars