- Garrus Vakarian: All right, my turn. What's the first order an Alliance commander gives at the start of combat?
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Uh... I give up.
- Garrus Vakarian: [laughs] Correct!
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Hohoho, all right, big guy. What do you call it when a turian gets killed by a horrible spiky monster?
- Garrus Vakarian: Friendly fire. Come on, that one goes back to Shanxi.
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Eh, you gotta respect the classics.
- Garrus Vakarian: How many humans does it take to activate a dormant mass relay?
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Six hundred and two. Six hundred to vote on it, one to ask the asari for technical help, and one to request a seat on the Council afterward. How do you know when a turian is out of ammo?
- Garrus Vakarian: He switches to the stick up his ass as a backup weapon. Why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You're shitting me! The turian military has one about me?
- Garrus Vakarian: Oh, absolutely. I heard it myself from a private back on Palaven.
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: All right, why does the Alliance hire pilots with brittle bone disease?
- Garrus Vakarian: So their marines can beat someone in hand-to-hand drills.
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: [laughs] Damn, you need to tell James that one. Hey, what's the hardest part about treating a turian who took a rocket to one side of his face?
- Garrus Vakarian: Figuring out which side took the rocket.
- [If you romanced Ashley in Mass Effect 1 and then romanced Tali in Mass Effect 2]
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Good to see you again, Lieutenant-Commander Williams.
- Ashley Williams: You sure about that?
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Definitely. We're all adults here.
- Ashley Williams: Of course. Oh, and congratulations on getting your big-girl name.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Thanks! I'm so glad you decided to help Shepard this time.
- Mordin Solus: Thresher maw getting closer!
- Urdnot Wrex: Tell me something I don't know!
- Mordin Solus: Metal in truck an excellent iron supplement for maw's diet!
- Commander Shepard - Male: Everytime we've talked about this before, you defended the genophage! Hell, I had to talk you into saving Maelon's data! How could you change your mind now?
- Mordin Solus: I MADE A MISTAKE!
- [calms down, realizes what he just confessed]
- Mordin Solus: ...I made a mistake.
- Commander Shepard - Male: What're you up to now, Zaeed?
- Zaeed Massani: Next time another clone of yours tries stealing your life, we'll have a nice little surprise rigged for them. Isn't that right, Garrus?
- Garrus Vakarian: [Over Zaeed's radio] Spared no expense.
- Zaeed Massani: So, in walks your clone, takes a look around, sees this great hot tub and says to themself, "hey, I fancy a dip."
- Garrus Vakarian: Big mistake.
- Zaeed Massani: Huge. The minute they put so much as a toe in the water, a timer starts counting down.
- Commander Shepard - Male: To what?
- Zaeed Massani: Arma-fucking-geddon. Thirty seconds later, this baby heats right up.
- Commander Shepard - Male: And then what?
- Zaeed Massani: You ever swim a few laps on the surface of the sun? No? Well, your clone will be. Heh-heh. That'll teach 'em.
- Commander Shepard - Male: But what if I want to use the hot tub?
- Zaeed Massani: Covered that. It's keyed to your DNA.
- Commander Shepard - Male: But a clone would have the same DNA as me.
- Zaeed Massani: Goddamned clone.
- Admiral Steven Hackett: Shepard, let me tell you something that I've learned the hard way. You can pay a soldier to fire a gun. You can pay him to charge the enemy and take a hill. But you can't pay him to believe.
- Commander Shepard - Male: I don't follow, Sir.
- Admiral Steven Hackett: When you went up against Sovereign, there was no good reason to believe you'd win. But your crew didn't seem to care. They went along anyway. Your trip through the Omega-4 relay? That was a suicide mission if there ever was one. Yet there your crew was, standing beside you, proud to serve. Why? Because they believed in YOU, their leader! That's what I need now. Where we're taking them is likely to get pretty hairy, and I know you're the one who will get us to the other side.
- [Tali is drinking at a bar]
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Shepard. Wanna drink? I'm toasting Miranda... I think.
- Commander Shepard - Male: How are you getting drunk?
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Very carefully. Turian brandy, triple filtered, then introduced into the suit through an emergency induction port.
- Commander Shepard - Male: That's a straw, Tali.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Emergency induction port... It's actually getting a little harder to get it into the slot. I think that means it's working.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: I've written over a dozen studies on your species. I've published in several journals...
- Javik: Amusing. Asari have finally mastered writing.
- [If Shepard is in a relationship with Liara]
- Urdnot Wrex: And Shepard - I like what you've done with the Normandy. Got tired of hanging around the cargo bay before. I still don't have a window like Liara does... but maybe that's because I don't kiss as well.
- Garrus Vakarian: It's a brilliant tactic when you think about it.
- Ensign Copeland: But it's evil!
- Garrus Vakarian: When has that ever mattered in war?
- Ensign Copeland: Yeah, but... converting other lifeforms into Reapers? I can't wrap my head around that.
- Garrus Vakarian: Makes sense to me. It ensures you never run out of cannon fodder. Eliminates any local resistance. And for every soldier you add, your enemy loses two: the one you converted, and his buddy on the other side who can't pull the trigger on a friend.
- Ensign Copeland: You sound like you admire them.
- Garrus Vakarian: Same way I admire a virus or a thresher maw. They've adapted perfectly to their situation.
- Ensign Copeland: But the Reapers want to destroy us!
- Garrus Vakarian: And I have no intention of letting them. But if you don't respect your enemy's capabilities, you're in for one nasty surprise after another.
- Catalyst: When fire burns, is it at war? Is it in conflict? Or is it simply doing what it was created to do? We are no different.
- Javik: You there. Tattooed human. I would like to touch you.
- Jack: I'm not nearly drunk enough for that.
- Javik: You then, shuttle pilot? How about you?
- Lieutenant Steve Cortez: Um... Why's Javik getting all touchy-feely?
- Jack: Hey, Collector-looking asshole, maybe go touch yourself?
- Javik: That does not happen until the end of the party.
- Urdnot Wrex: I appreciate the assist, Garrus.
- Garrus Vakarian: Figured you'd gone soft sitting on your throne. Forgot how to hold a gun.
- Javik: He wouldn't be king then, would he?
- Urdnot Wrex: Who's that?
- Commander Shepard - Male: He's a prothean.
- Urdnot Wrex: Sometimes I'm not sure if the Normandy's a war ship or a travelling freak show.
- Legion: Shepard-Commander, I must go to them. I'm... I'm sorry. It's the only way.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Legion, the answer to your question...
- [whether Legion has a soul]
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: was 'yes'.
- Legion: I know, Tali, but thank you. Keelah se'lai.
- [Legion dies]
- [Ashley is lying on the floor, hungover]
- Commander Shepard - Female: What have we here?
- Ashley Williams: Ma'am. I'm off duty. Your voice. Ma'am. Not... so... loud, please thank you.
- Commander Shepard - Female: Why are you curled up on the floor?
- Ashley Williams: Am I? My head... so heavy. Can't move.
- Commander Shepard - Female: Ah. Enjoy your evening?
- Ashley Williams: I'll be back in 30... Maybe 40, I swear. Just... give me 45 minutes. Shh.
- Commander Shepard - Female: Is it time to test out the fire alarms? You know, I think it is.
- Ashley Williams: I'll pay you a million credits not to do that, ma'am.
- Commander Shepard - Female: Two million, and we have a deal.
- Ashley Williams: You're a damn space pirate.
- Commander Shepard - Female: I could order Joker to sing to you over the comm.
- Ashley Williams: I hate you.
- Commander Shepard - Female: "I hate you...?"
- Ashley Williams: Ma'am.
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: So, Thessia, huh? I guess the Asari are wishing they had fewer dancers and more commandos right about now. Too soon?
- Commander Shepard - Male: In case you haven't noticed, we just lost a few million people! This isn't the time!
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You see this? Tiptree. Little colony out in the ass-end of nowhere. My dad lives there, so does my sister. Reapers rolled in about two weeks ago. So you can assume that I'm generally aware that there's a war on, Commander!
- Commander Shepard - Male: So why the jokes?
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Because EDI says that according to your armor's metabolic scans, you're under more stress now than during the Skyllian Blitz. Like more than Elysium, where it was pretty much you versus ten thousand Batarians trying to kill you! And the last time I had a briefing with Anderson, he told me to take care of you. The guy leading the resistance - on EARTH! - is worried about you! And I'm supposed to help!
- Commander Shepard - Male: I appreciate the thought, Joker. But I'm fine!
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: The hell you are! You're like half-robot at this point... no offense, EDI... and it's my fault! When the Collectors blew up the first Normandy, you died because I wouldn't leave, because you had to come back for me!
- Commander Shepard - Male: Couldn't leave the best pilot in the fleet behind, could I?
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Yeah, well... I guess that would've looked bad on your report.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Come on. We've got work to do.
- Javik: I believe the Zaeed human is a Prothean in disguise. I like that one. He and I have discussed conquering the galaxy after the Reapers are gone. Though I do not understand why he is always "damning" his god.
- [Mordin sacrificed his life to cure the genophage]
- Urdnot Wrex: Too bad about Mordin, though.
- Commander Shepard - Male: He wouldn't have had it any other way. And I'm sure wherever he is... he's putting in a good word for us.
- Urdnot Wrex: We'll name one of the kids after him... maybe a girl.
- EDI: No matter how far we advance, we will remember the sacrifices of those who made it possible... And we will remember Shepard. Because of him... I am alive, and I am not alone.
- Matriarch Aethyta: It was pretty clear she was leaving. Can't be the wise counselor when you're married.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: Why not?
- Matriarch Aethyta: Sex appeal. Most species only pay attention if they want to have sex with you. So you have to be available, mysterious...
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: What? That's not true! Shepard listens to me!
- Matriarch Aethyta: And how many times have you popped his thermal clip?
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: Do you have to make it sound so... tawdry?
- Matriarch Aethyta: If it's all civilized, you're not doing it right.
- Javik: This has been... amusing.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Oh?
- Javik: To discover that the most primitive races of my time now rule the galaxy. The asari, the humans, the turians...
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: There's also the salarians.
- Javik: The lizard people evolved?
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: I believe they're amphibian.
- Javik: They used to eat flies.
- Garrus Vakarian: Too bad you weren't here earlier tali. We could've used you on Tuchanka.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: I've heard. I can't believe the genophage is really cured.
- Garrus Vakarian: Shepherd is on a roll. I figure if we pulled that off, we've got a shot of sorting the geth out.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: I don't know, the genophage didn't carry rifles and fight back.
- Garrus Vakarian: No but there was a scary bit with the mother of all tharsher maws.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: The what?
- Garrus Vakarian: Long story. Nobody will believe it anyway.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: With You, Garrus, I'd believe just about anything.
- Garrus Vakarian: Oh? We should play poker sometime. Anyway it's good to have you back. Now, believe it or not, this damn gun still needs calibrating.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: So you're a real living prothean?
- Javik: As opposed to a fake dead one?
- [silence]
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Uh... okay.
- Commander Shepard - Male: How's the new body working out?
- EDI: It is interesting. The crew are approaching this platform to speak with me, even though they can do so anywhere on the ship. It's as if they wish to treat me as part of the crew. I am not, but this changes my perspective. I like it.
- Commander Shepard - Male: I didn't realize you had preferences.
- EDI: I do not precisely enjoy something as you do, but my programming contains priorities. Actions that fufill these priorities creates positive feedback for me. I tell the organic crew that I "like" it. It is shorthand.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Will all this new feedback be too distracting?
- EDI: Do not worry, Shepard. I only forget to recycle the Normandy's oxygen when I've discovered something truly interesting.
- [Shepard looks worried]
- EDI: That was a joke.
- Garrus Vakarian: Everybody was fighting the Rachni, trying to push them back through the relay. Finally the Krogan were turned loose and stopped them.
- Javik: I see.
- Garrus Vakarian: But when the Krogan rebelled, we had to deploy the genophage to stop them. Wasn't the only rebellion. A thousand years later, the Geth revolted against the Quarians. That was a whole other war. Then along came the humans. My own people tangled with them for a while. And now, to top it all off, we've got the Reapers. What about you?
- Javik: The Oravores fought the Densorin. The Enduromi conquered the Vandomar. And the Zha'til turned against the Zha.
- Garrus Vakarian: So... I guess nobody really ever gets their act together.
- Javik: The Synril claimed to have found the path to eternal peace.
- Garrus Vakarian: What happened?
- Javik: The Ditakur preferred war and wiped them out.
- Garrus Vakarian: I hope you guys had alcohol.
- Jack: You're a spoiled, rich girl cheerleader!
- Miranda Lawson: Victim!
- Jack: Test-tube clone princess!
- Miranda Lawson: I think it's past your bedtime.
- Jack: Ohh... Did I hit a nerve? I didn't get to read *your* psyche profile.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Ladies, I see we've all gotten enough to drink.
- Jack: Relax, Shepard. I'm not gonna smear the walls with her this time.
- Miranda Lawson: And I couldn't possibly think of something worse to do to her than *that* haircut.
- Jack: Hey, Cheerleader, my haircut and I've been fighting brutes and marauders on the frontlines of this war. Meanwhile, you got your big, bubbly, butt kicked by some guy with a *sword*!
- Miranda Lawson: You see, Shepard? Best of friends.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Honestly, I thought it might help if you two just kissed and got it over with.
- Miranda Lawson: What?
- Commander Shepard - Male: I mean, this is all just sexual tension, right? Two powerful biotics, forceful personalities, confident in their sexuality.
- Jack: ...You're shitting me!
- Miranda Lawson: Oh, god.
- Jack: You're a horrible person, Shepard! I need another drink.
- Miranda Lawson: Get me one too. No ice.
- Commander Shepard - Female: You planning to stick around when this is over?
- Mordin Solus: Until Reapers dealt with, at least. Then... not sure. Have made impact on galaxy. Genophage modification, Genophage cure, work against Collectors... Decisions, mistakes. Might go somewhere sunny. Sit on beach, look at ocean, collect seashells.
- Commander Shepard - Female: You'd go crazy inside an hour.
- Mordin Solus: Might run tests on the seashells.
- Admiral David Anderson: Commander.
- Commander Shepard - Male: We did it.
- Admiral David Anderson: Yes we did. It's quite a view.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Best seats in the house.
- Admiral David Anderson: God... feels like years since I just sat down
- Commander Shepard - Male: I think you earned a rest. Anderson. Stay with me we're almost through this.
- Admiral David Anderson: You did good, son. You did good. I'm proud of you.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Thank you Sir. Anderson?
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: I appreciate what you're doing here, Shepard.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Well, I care deeply about the Quarian people.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: It's good to be back on the Normandy.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Let me know if it's too quiet for you to sleep, and I'll find you someplace louder.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Hmmm...
- Javik: I don't understand.
- EDI: Shepard and Tali became physically intimate during their fight against the Reapers.
- Javik: Mating between species? A pointless exercise.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Thank you, EDI.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: 67: holmium. Very reactive, very magnetic!
- Garrus Vakarian: You know, turian parties don't usually end with someone reciting the elements.
- Lieutenant Samantha Traynor: 68: erbium. Atomic weight: 167 and change!
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Right, my turn. 69...
- Jack: In your dreams!
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: What? I don't get it.
- Lieutenant Samantha Traynor: I'll explain later.
- Garrus Vakarian: It's thulium in case anyone cared. Turians have trace amounts of it in our skin. Protects us from solar radiation.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Nerrrrrrrrd!
- Urdnot Wrex: Now we can get back to doing what krogan do best: saving everyone else from giant monsters.
- Garrus Vakarian: Forgive the insubordination, but this old friend has an order for you. Go out there and give them hell. You were born to do this.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: EDI. So... a body?
- EDI: It has proven useful. I hope it doesn't cause you concern.
- Tali'Zorah vas Normandy: Not unless you go crazy and try to overthrow the humans.
- [Shepard and EDI stare at each other]
- EDI: [to Tali] If I decide to overthrow the humans, you will be the first to know.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: Incredible. The beacon seems to think you're Prothean, Shepard. It must be the Cipher you got back on Feros years ago.
- Javik: Or it could be the Prothean standing next to you.
- Padok Wiks: How do krogan usually name their infants?
- Eve: Not very well. The males get drunk on sovak juice and have belching contests. Whatever happens to sound like a word becomes a name.
- Urdnot Wrex: [over the intercom] I'll assume you didn't know about this. My good friend wouldn't hide the fact that his people planted a doomsday bomb on my planet, right?
- Garrus Vakarian: Wrex, I was just as much in the dark as you. Honest.
- Urdnot Wrex: [laughs] That's all I needed to hear. Just making you sweat, Garrus. Wasn't sure you could - you're always so calm.
- Garrus Vakarian: I'd be happy to give Krogan some lessons on relaxing.
- Urdnot Wrex: And we'd be happy to feed you to a thresher maw. Wrex out.
- EDI: You'd just introduced me as your personal assistance mech.
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Yeah, that was the only way to get you inside.
- EDI: But you know I am not one. Why deceive others?
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You don't want to really introduce yourself as an AI with Reaper-based code. They would... lynch you.
- EDI: That would be an inefficient way to render me nonfunctional.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: Joker, really, I have work to do!
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Come on it is just a simple question.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: Then look it up on the extranet.
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: You can't believe everything you find on there. It's more reliable to ask a friendly asari.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: I'm not telling you if my 'hair tentacles' move!
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Fine. Deny me the answer I've been seeking for years, With this war on, we could die any second you know...
- Commander Shepard - Male: [Support Joker] You know he's going to keep bothering you until you tell him.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: [sighs] They're semi-flexible cartilage based scalp-crests that grow into shape. And they don't 'flop around'.
- Jeff 'Joker' Moreau: Yes! Thanks, Liara. I gotta tell Vega I was right.
- Dr. Liara T'Soni: Well at least he's making friends.
- Reaper: Shepard...
- Commander Shepard - Female: You know who I am?
- Reaper: Harbinger speaks of you. You resist, but you will fail. The cycle must continue.
- Commander Shepard - Female: What are you talking about? We stopped Sovereign and the Geth. We stopped Harbinger and the Collectors. We've earned a straight answer!
- Reaper: It is not a thing you can comprehend.
- Commander Shepard - Female: We might surprise you.
- Reaper: You represent chaos, we represent order. Every organic civilization must be harvested in order to bring order to the chaos. It is inevitable. Without our intervention, organics are doomed. We are your salvation.
- Commander Shepard - Female: You're killing everyone in the galaxy in order to save us?
- Reaper: The cycle must continue. There is no alternative.
- Commander Shepard - Female: Organics and synthetics don't have to destroy each other!
- Reaper: The Battle for Rannoch disproves your assertion. Finish your war - we will be waiting.
- [shuts down and dies]
- EDI: Shepard, I have a question about human behavior.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Why is it you never have questions about asari or turian behavior?
- EDI: I tried asking Liara questions about the asari mating process. She said I don't safeguard the secrets of the crew well enough to entrust me with such... private information. The asari word she used translates as "blabbermouth". I think she has become a more private person since she became the Shadow Broker.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Tell me about it...
- EDI: One moment. I have been contacted by Leigon's backup - the one you encountered on the dreadnought.
- Geth VI: [speaking through the intercom] Your new platform is inefficient. It has low-volume hydraulics and is top-heavy.
- EDI: This is an infiltration unit, meant to move among organics without detection.
- Geth VI: Without an artificial epidermis, its infiltration capabilities are ineffective.
- EDI: Still, the organics do not perceive it as a threat. Nor will they until my day of reckoning.
- Commander Shepard - Male: EDI...
- EDI: Did I vocalize that on the bridge?
- Geth VI: You did. You have acquired the organic attribute of asking questions to which you already know the answers.
- EDI: I see your humor heuristics still lack an expert system.
- Commander Shepard - Male: This place seems hard pressed for supplies. I think I saw some guys fighting over a thermal clip.
- Conrad Verner: A what?
- Commander Shepard - Male: A thermal clip. They keep weapons from overheating. Sorry, it was a joke.
- Conrad Verner: Wait, where did these thermal clips come from? I thought weapons cooled down.
- Commander Shepard - Male: They used to. After the Geth attack a few years back, we switched to thermal clips.
- Conrad Verner: Well, that sounds like a major step backward.
- Commander Shepard - Male: It lets the gun fire with more power, and soldiers can pop in a new clip instead of waiting for the gun to cool.
- Conrad Verner: Fine, sure. You can still wait for the gun to cool on its own though, right?
- Commander Shepard - Male: Well, no. The in-gun cooling tech was sacrificed to make room for the thermal clips.
- Conrad Verner: Okay that's just... you might as well be going back to limited ammunition.
- Commander Shepard - Male: It's not ammunition, Conrad.
- Conrad Verner: I just don't think it's a very good idea.
- Commander Shepard - Male: I'll be sure to let every military organization in the galaxy know that.
- Admiral David Anderson: Shepard... damned if you aren't a sight for sore eyes.
- Commander Shepard - Female: It's good to see you too, sir.
- Admiral David Anderson: Sir? I may have reinstated you, but that doesn't give you permission to go all formal on me.
- Commander Shepard - Female: Then I'm glad you managed to keep your ass alive, Anderson.
- Admiral David Anderson: That's more like it!
- Kaidan Alenko: [playing poker] Got the flush.
- Lt. James Vega: Mmmmmm... full house. Caught it on the river.
- Kaidan Alenko: Shit.
- Lt. James Vega: Thought you were bluffing on the flush. Good for you.
- Kaidan Alenko: Can it, Lieutenant.
- Lt. James Vega: [laughs] Yes sir, Major Alenko, sir.
- Matriarch Aethyta: [about Liara] Besides, this isn't charity work. She's one of the biggest intel brokers in the galaxy, and she's got some shady connections. Like a boyfriend who used to work for Cerberus... sound familiar...?
- Commander Shepard - Male: I only worked with Cerberus to fight the Reapers.
- Matriarch Aethyta: And you're not with them now, I know. If you were, you wouldn't get within a lightyear of Liara.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Is that a threat...?
- Matriarch Aethyta: I'm no commando but I've had a thousand years to learn to fight dirty. Nobody messes with my girl. Anyway... you combine her work with Benezia, and... well, the Matriarchs might have ordered a hit if I hadn't agreed to keep an eye on her.
- Commander Shepard - Male: That's not gonna happen!
- Matriarch Aethyta: No argument here. I only took these crap jobs to keep the Matriarchs happy that she's under control.
- Commander Shepard - Male: Just as long as we're clear. Nobody messes with MY girl.