- Billy Zane: Think about it, man. This could be a sign!
- Derek Zoolander: What if it's a stop sign, Billy?
- Mugatu: Shut up, Valentino! Just shut up! Everyone shut up! There is no Fountain of Youth!
- Tommy Hilfiger: What?
- Mugatu: I mean, Adam and Eve and Steve? Are you serious? You actually believed that crap?
- Alexander Wang: What?
- Mugatu: It's literally... it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! I get it if Alexander Wang believes it, but the rest of you, come on!
- Anna Wintour: Oh, please. Without me, you'd still be cutting patterns at Men's Wearhouse.
- Mugatu: Oh, look, it's the White Witch from Narnia! Oh, no, I'm sorry, it's just Anna Wintour! I'll knock your teeth out.
- Anna Wintour: I'll rip your goddamn tongue out.
- Mugatu: Check out the new spring collection from Hilfiger, brought to you by white privilege.
- Tommy Hilfiger: You couldn't make a down jacket to save your life!
- Mugatu: Asshole.
- Alexanya Atoz: Do you ever have feeling, where you see young teenage girl with perfect skin, and you want to kill her? And take her skin, and put it on your skin? We've bottled that feeling.
- Billy Zane: Got your Netflix!
- Derek Zoolander: [Opening envelopes] Jack Ryan! and Jack Reacher! Tonight's going to be a total jack off!
- One tenth of Hansel's Orgy: Where'd everybody go? I wasn't finished with that Hippo!
- Derek Jr.: You're the most narcissistic person I've ever met.
- Derek Zoolander: But that's not how I see myself.
- Chazz Spencer: Members only. Members only. Epaulets are not a crime. Smart casual. Smart casual. Smart casual. Mr. Hammer is wrong!
- Hansel: Neil, I gotta say, you're totally blowing my mind right now.
- Neil deGrasse Tyson: That's what I do. I'm Neil deGrasse Tyson, bitch.
- Valentina: Who says swimsuit models are useless? Take me from behind, Zoolander. Grab on for safety... and buoyancy! We're going to swim to Rome.
- Hansel: [Talking to Derek Jr. about his mother] I remember there was one night, she had me and your dad absolutely twisted in knots. I was driving the freak train, your dad's tearing tickets in the caboose... She had a mouth like Chinese finger cuffs, you know, where, like, you try to pull out but it just keeps getting tighter...
- Valentina: [from trailer] Someone's trying to kill the world's most beautiful people.
- Justin Bieber: [getting hunted by snipers] Oh, fudge!
- Derek Zoolander: [Driving with his son, taking lots of Selfies with a Selfie Stick. The car drifts lanes and he swerves it back, sending it flying through the air until it comes crashing to a standstill] Hashtag Oops!
- Matt Lauer: And finally tonight, here's something to make you feel old. Incredible as it may sound, of the over 3.7 million high school graduates this year, less than 2% can tell you what a fax machine is, name a Caucasian president, or know who Derek Zoolander was!
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