- Olive Penderghast: Whatever happened to chivalry? Does it only exist in 80's movies? I want John Cusack holding a boombox outside my window. I wanna ride off on a lawnmower with Patrick Dempsey. I want Jake from Sixteen Candles waiting outside the church for me. I want Judd Nelson thrusting his fist into the air because he knows he got me. Just once I want my life to be like an 80's movie, preferably one with a really awesome musical number for no apparent reason. But no, no, John Hughes did not direct my life.
- Chip: [to Olive] I like the pants.
- Olive Penderghast: Thank you. They're Costco. You can have them when you get taller.
- Chip: I'm never gonna go through puberty.
- Rosemary: Course you will. But we're a family of late bloomers. I didn't until I was 14. Nor did Olive.
- Chip: Why does that matter? I'm adopted.
- Dill: [pretending to be freaking out] What? Oh my God! Who told you? Guys, we were going to do this at the right time.
- Nina: [spiteful] Perhaps you should embroider a red A on your wardrobe, you abominable tramp.
- Olive Penderghast: Perhaps you should GET a wardrobe, you abominable twat.
- Olive Penderghast: Don't you think it's a little strange that your boyfriend is 22 years old and still in high school?
- Marianne: Not that it's any of your busniess, trollop, but he is here by choice.
- Olive Penderghast: So it's his choice that he's a fourth year senior who can't pass any test he takes?
- Marianne: No, silly,
- [points up]
- Marianne: His. His, with a capital H. If God wanted him to graduate, then God would have given him the right answers.
- Olive Penderghast: [laughs] I'm sorry, but you gotta be shittin' me, woman.
- Olive Penderghast: Do you have a religion section?
- Bookstore guy: It's right over there. Can I help you with something?
- Olive Penderghast: The Bible.
- Bookstore guy: That's in bestsellers, right next to Twilight.
- Olive Penderghast: Ironically, we were studying "The Scarlet Letter", but isn't that always the way? The books you read in class always seem to have a strong connection with whatever angsty adolescent drama is being recounted. I consider this. Except for "Huckleberry Finn", 'cause I don't know any teenage boys who have ever run away with a big, hulking black guy.
- Olive Penderghast: [to Brandon, who is freaking out, as she takes off her panties] Relax. Jesus. What is it with you gays? Are you really that repulsed by lady parts? What do you think I have down there? A gnome?
- Marianne: I just hope for your sake you had the good sense to use protection.
- Olive Penderghast: Why? Your parents didn't.
- Rhiannon: Please tell me the rumors are true!
- Olive Penderghast: Yes. Yes, I am a big fat slut.
- Rhiannon: No, no! Not that one. The one where you got suspended for calling Nina Howell a dick and punched her in the left tit.
- Olive Penderghast: I worry about the way information circulates at this school.
- Gossipy Girl: Oh my God, did you hear that Brandon ran away from home? Yeah. Totally. He left his parents a note that said 'I'm gay, bitches!' And then he skipped town with a big, hulking black guy!
- Olive Penderghast: [to herself] My apologies to Mark Twain.
- Rosemary: Olive! There's a young man here to see you
- [starts speaking in a Southern accent]
- Rosemary: He said something about askin' for your hand in marriage!
- Olive Penderghast: [Also speaking in a Southern accent] Oh, happy day, Mama! Oh, I thought I was gonna have to spend my dowry on booze and pills to numb the loneliness. A gentleman caller, hurray!
- Olive Penderghast: What's your problem?
- Rhiannon: You really want to know what my problem is?
- Olive Penderghast: No, actually, that was a rhetorical question. I don't want to know anything from you.
- Rhiannon: We are not friends anymore.
- Olive Penderghast: Oh.
- Rhiannon: We are officially over!
- Olive Penderghast: OH RATS!
- Rhiannon: Hey, I want my Juicy sweatshirt back! It's way too loose around your chest anyway!
- Olive Penderghast: Ohhhhh, burn!
- Principal Gibbons: This is public school. If I can keep the girls off the pole and the boys off the pipe, I get a bonus.
- [from trailer]
- Marianne: There's a higher power that will judge you for your indecency.
- Olive Penderghast: Tom Cruise?
- Olive Penderghast: [Going to a Church] I was just wondering if there's a minster around?
- [Woman looks at her funny]
- Olive Penderghast: Is it not a minister?
- Olive Penderghast: [Tries again] A reverend?
- Olive Penderghast: A wizard?
- Rosemary: Not to mention how you have been dressing these past few days. No judgment, but you kind of look like a stripper.
- Olive Penderghast: Mom!
- Dill: [to Olive] A high-end stripper, for governors or athletes.
- [from trailer]
- Rosemary: I had a similar situation when I was your age. I had a horrible reputation.
- Olive Penderghast: Why?
- Rosemary: Because I slept with a whole bunch of people. Mostly guys.
- Olive Penderghast: Mom!
- Dill: [walking into Olive's bedroom while she is sewing red "A" s on her clothing] Is everything all right? It sounds like you're having sex in here, which I know can't be true due to the fact that you have a homosexual boyfriend.
- Olive Penderghast: I could have chlamydia. I have been... whoring around a lot.
- Mrs. Griffith: No, honey. No, you haven't. Because a real whore can't even admit it to herself, let alone another person.
- Olive Penderghast: Let the record show that I, Olive Penderghast, being of sound mind and below average breast size, swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... starting now.
- Olive Penderghast: Let me just begin by saying that there are two sides to every story. This is my side, the right one.
- Dill: The family member of the week gets to pick the movie.
- Olive Penderghast: [to Rosemary] You get family member of the week every week.
- Rosemary: And there's a reason for that.
- Olive Penderghast: Yeah, you pick family member of the week!
- Rosemary: [with phony innocence] Are you accusing me of nepotism?
- Olive Penderghast: I used to be anonymous, invisible to the opposite sex. If Google Earth were a guy, he couldn't find me if I was dressed up as a 10-story building.
- Olive Penderghast: That's the beauty of being a girl in high-school: people hear you had sex once and BAM - you're a bimbo.
- Olive Penderghast: I might even lose my virginity to him. I don't know when it will happen. You know, maybe in five minutes, or tonight, or six months from now, or maybe on the night of our wedding. But the really amazing thing is, it is nobody's goddamn business.
- Woodchuck Todd: Hey Olive! You left your glass slipper at the party the other night.
- Olive Penderghast: Yea and I got pumpkin all over my dress too. C'est la vie.
- Woodchuck Todd: La vie.
- Olive Penderghast: Nice! Solid joke.
- Brandon: So what's with your new look? It's very whore couture.
- Olive Penderghast: Oh, haven't you heard? I'm the new school slut.
- Brandon: You know, I did hear something. I also heard he was twice your age.
- Olive Penderghast: Oh, no no no no. He was a freshman in college.
- Brandon: I also heard he gave you crabs.
- Olive Penderghast: Ew! People suck!
- Brandon: Tell me about it.
- Olive Penderghast: [welcoming Brandon into her upstairs bedroom] Welcome. This is where the magic happens. And as we all know, by "magic" I mean "nothing."
- Rosemary: That boy from yesterday just dropped this off for you...
- Olive Penderghast: Well, put it in the pile of gifts from my other suitors.
- Rosemary: He seems like a nice kid. He seemed a little incredibly gay...
- Olive Penderghast: Dyed in the wool homosexual, that boy is.
- Rosemary: I just want you to know your father and I are totally supportive. We love you no matter what the sexual orientation of your opposite-sex sex partner...
- Olive Penderghast: We are not dating, Mom.
- Rosemary: ...and don't worry about not making us grandparents. Although we were kind of hoping you'd get "knocked up" so we'd have a second shot at raising kids, really do it right this time.
- Olive Penderghast: Bye now...
- Rosemary: You know, I dated a homosexual once. For a long time, actually... a "long" time...
- Olive Penderghast: Dear God, dear Lord, tell me you didn't marry and have children with him!
- Rosemary: [Giggles] No.
- Olive Penderghast: [Sarcastically imitates laughing] Ha...
- Rosemary: No, no. Your father is as straight as they come. A little too straight, if you know what I mean, girlfriend.
- Olive Penderghast: I don't...
- Olive Penderghast: People thought I was a dirty skank? Fine. I'd be the dirtiest skank they've ever seen.
- Brandon: Just one good, imaginary boink!
- Olive Penderghast: You are on crack! And not the good kind.
- Brandon: It doesn't have to be a boink. It could be anything - it could be an imaginary butter-bean, lemon squeeze, cowbell...
- Olive Penderghast: I don't know what any of that means.
- Brandon: Well, that's because you're a virgin.
- Mr. Griffith: I don't know what your generation's fascination is with documenting your every thought... but I can assure you, they're not all diamonds. "Roman is having an OK day, and bought a Coke Zero at the gas station. Raise the roof." Who gives a rat's ass?
- Olive Penderghast: [Mocks interest] He got a Coke Zero AGAIN. Ah, that Roman. Incorrigible.
- Brandon: [after having pretend-sex with Olive] Well, let's just say I'll be walking funny tomorrow. I'm drunk! What's up, bitches?
- Rhiannon: You're being pretty cavalier about this. Aren't you supposed to be eternally in love with him and shit?
- Olive Penderghast: Yes... I believe so, if I was the Gossip Girl in Sweet Valley of the Traveling Pants.
- Woodchuck Todd: Notoriety, for whatever reason, never seems to benefit the noted, only the 'notees'.
- Olive Penderghast: You know, the sad thing is, Evan, if you'd been a gentleman and maybe asked me out on a date, I might've said yes.
- Evan: Really? Do you wanna go out with me?
- Olive Penderghast: Not now I don't, shit-dick.
- Brandon: You don't understand how hard it is, all right? Hmm? I'm tormented everyday at school. It's like I'm being suffocated, and sure we can sit and fantasize all we want about how things are going to be different one day, but this is today and it sucks... So please just help me. I can't take another day of this, I don't know what I'll do.
- Marianne: I hope for your sake, God has a sense of humor.
- Olive Penderghast: Oh, I have seventeen years worth of anecdotal proof that He does.
- Olive Penderghast: All I could think was, "Great, now I'm a tramp! I'll have to get a lower back tattoo and pierce something not on my face."
- Woodchuck Todd: [in Woodchuck costume carrying head] Hey Olive.
- Olive Penderghast: Oh my God! The illusion is shattered! This is exactly why they put you in the gas chamber if you take your head off at Disney World.
- Woodchuck Todd: Actually I think they just, you know, they fire you. You're thinking of Disneyland. Disney World is much more liberal.
- Olive Penderghast: Oh yeah! I always forget Disney World went blue in the last election.
- Olive Penderghast: [runs into Anson, outside] I just thought of the funniest thing. My name is an anagram for "I love".
- Anson: [confused] What... what's an anagram?
- Olive Penderghast: [looks him in the eyes] Look it up, big boy.
- Olive Penderghast: [to Evan, about their imaginary tryst] I want a one hundred dollar gift card deposited into my locker by noon tomorrow. Preferably to the Gap, but I'd also take Amazon.com, or Office Max. Actually, make it Office Max - I have my eye on a label maker. We did not have sex. I let you fondle my chest, and it was a glorious moment for you. Unmatched by anything you have heretofore experienced... including cake.
- Woodchuck Todd: How's it going?
- Olive Penderghast: [Struggles for words for a moment] Ah, you know, I'm um... I'm here.
- Woodchuck Todd: Can I get you a beer?
- Olive Penderghast: That rhymed...
- Olive Penderghast: [V.O] So the next day I had detention. Which, thanks to recent budget cuts meant *cleaning*. I was looking forward to putting all this behind me - I had done the crime, I was going to do the time. And that would be that
- Brandon: Aren't there, like, child labor laws against this?
- Olive Penderghast: Not in high school. The principal is like a captain of a ship in international waters. He can even marry people!
- [Brandon nods]
- Olive Penderghast: We haven't talked in a while - how've you been, Brandon?
- Brandon: [sarcastic] Fabulous! Crushing it! Everything according to plan.
- [yelling]
- Brandon: I wanna be in detention!
- Olive Penderghast: Ya, why are you here? Judging from the amount of blood I saw gushing from your nose I thought you were the bull-*ied*
- Brandon: You'd think, but Principal Gibbons is a homophobe, which is why I called him a fascist.
- Olive Penderghast: So the rumors are true.
- Brandon: [defensive] I don't know what you're talking about.
- Olive Penderghast: I meant about Gibbons' being a fascist.
- [smiles]
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