- [Jeremy and Mark, with their yards of ale, have joined Aurora and Lucy]
- Jeremy Usborne: What can I get you two? How about a foot a wine?
- Lucy: Can I get a metre of vodka...
- [to Mark, with a flirty look]
- Lucy: with an inch of tonic?
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Come on, Mark! Turn it on, play the game!
- [to Lucy]
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, uh, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial, you might get an interdenominational... you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind.
- [voiceover]
- Mark Corrigan: Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.
- Mark Corrigan: Jeremy, there are many things I would do to help you, but digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands so that you can bury the corpse of a dog you've killed is not one of them.
- Aurora: So, that's great you're in a band. What's it called?
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, right now we're called Various Artists, just to fuck over people with iPods. We think it'll set us back two or three years, which is cool.
- Jeremy Usborne: [driving the boat] Warp Factor three please, Scotty!
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh great, I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.
- [Mark wakes up to find Jeremy is already driving the boat, following the two sisters on their boat]
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, this is a new one, water-stalking.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Oh God, I think I love her. I think I'm falling in love... or getting a bone-on, which is basically the same thing when you get rid of all the Valentine cards and bullshit.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] I'll just take it to one of those massive council bins. Dump and run. Just like my paperboy days. Ha! Screw you, Murdoch.
- [Mark and Jeremy are having a stag weekend on a canal boat]
- Mark Corrigan: So good to just get away.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh yeah. The Stag Aquatic. So, come on, let's max out the engine a bit, tear it up.
- Mark Corrigan: Actually this is almost top speed.
- [the boat is only going a few miles per hour]
- Jeremy Usborne: What if we hit trouble?
- Mark Corrigan: I don't think we're going to hit trouble on the Shropshire Union Canal, Jeremy.
- Jeremy Usborne: Right, but this is just it? This is totally it? There's not gonna be any waves or mad shit?
- Mark Corrigan: No.
- Jeremy Usborne: Can I water-ski off the back?
- Mark Corrigan: You're very welcome to try!
- Jeremy Usborne: Jesus. Well, let's stop here then and go for a drink.
- Mark Corrigan: Jez, it's 10 in the morning!
- Jeremy Usborne: Well, what else are we gonna do? Just sit here, freezing our nuts off, talking to each other? I mean, what the hell are we gonna talk about?
- Mark Corrigan: I dunno... stuff, banter, chat. Isn't that what you had in mind when you organised this thing?
- Jeremy Usborne: Sure. Yeah. S'pose. So how do you feel now the wedding's back on track?
- Mark Corrigan: Not that.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh right, not that! Well, what then? I can't think of anything to say, you start.
- Mark Corrigan: [looks around then points at something] Hey, is that a kingfisher?
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, for God's sake! If we're gonna talk, let's talk about something proper, like films.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Ugh, films. Another hour of my life gone trying to explain to him what The Matrix is.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] This weekend is gonna be one massive dry hump. Maybe the pressure will build to the point where we actually try to fuck each other.
- [They're playing chess in the canal boat]
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh come on, let's get out of here. It's doing our nuts in. Let's go and get you some sweet punani action.
- Mark Corrigan: I don't want sweet punani action, I want to take your bishop and grind you down.
- [Mark is trying to talk his way into a job managing a call centre in India for the sisters' father, when suddenly Lucy starts stroking his thigh]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh my God, I've entered an interview situation, and there's a hand near my cock! This is like that dream I had about Alan Sugar and The Badger.
- [Jeremy is driving Aurora's dad's Range Rover Sport while smoking a joint]
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] God, look at me drive. I'm Clarkson!
- [the car makes a grinding noise]
- Aurora: Are you sure it's OK to put in unleaded? We always normally do diesel.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh trust me, these babies run on anything.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Oh yeah, pissed and stoned in a gas-guzzler. This is the life. Already given a quid to Greenpeace this year so I'm golden.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Oh yeah, this is cool. Just don't think about the dead dog. If I don't think about it, there's always a chance it didn't happen.
- Aurora: Let's roll, cowboy. Where's Mummy?
- Jeremy Usborne: Mummy?
- Aurora: Yeah, I let her out for a piss.
- Jeremy Usborne: Are you sure she was with us?
- Aurora: Jeremy, she was on the back seat.
- Jeremy Usborne: She must have run off.
- [voiceover]
- Jeremy Usborne: Except she defintely hasn't because I'm carrying her around in this bag.
- Aurora: She never just runs off.
- Jeremy Usborne: She is a wild animal. You know, the call of the wild. She might have become leader of a pack of foxes or...
- Aurora: Jez, it's Mummy. We're not just leaving her.
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Why did I put her in the bag? I should have thrown her like a discus.
- Aurora: [trying to call the dog] Mum-meee! Come on, Jeremy.
- Jeremy Usborne: [half-heartedly] Mummy.
- Aurora: Mum-meee!
- Jeremy Usborne: Mummy.
- Aurora: Oh God, I don't what I'd do if I lost her!
- Jeremy Usborne: [voiceover] Well, you're very close to finding out.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Urgh, more data entry tonight. I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring it feels like it might go on forever.
- [Mark and Sophie are seeing a relationship counsellor]
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Oh, great! So I'll be spending £1 a minute to hear how shit I am at sex. Now that's value for money!
- Jeremy Usborne: Here, Mark, I'll tell you what, you piss in this bottle, I'll drink it.
- Mark Corrigan: What? What the hell for?
- Jeremy Usborne: For a laugh, it's the stag!
- Mark Corrigan: No Jez, if you drank my piss, I'd feel violated.
- Jeremy Usborne: Oh, that is great. You wouldn't even let me drink your piss? I'm not trying to kiss you, Mark. It's liquid waste.
- Mark Corrigan: I'm sorry, but no.
- Jeremy Usborne: You wouldn't let me drink your piss?
- Mark Corrigan: Why would you even want to drink my piss?
- Jeremy Usborne: For a laugh!
- Mark Corrigan: What the hell made you think of that?
- Jeremy Usborne: I'm just bored, OK! I'd let you drink my piss.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh, thank you very much.
- Jeremy Usborne: Mark, if I can just get rid of the dog corpse, there's a chance I still might get laid here.
- Mark Corrigan: Oh right, this is sort of like a disgusting version of The Great Egg Race!
- Mark Corrigan: My hobbies include history and going to the movies.
- Lucy: I like going to the movies.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Of course you do, everyone does. Man seeks woman, must be interested in film, breathing oxygen and converting protein intake into muscle energy.
- Mark Corrigan: [voiceover] Fucking hell! He's got Mummy! He's brought a dead dog into my pitch, the stupid bastard!