Peep Show (TV Series)

Sophie's Parents (2007)

Robert Webb: Jeremy Usborne

Photos 

Quotes 

• Mark Corrigan : [has just shot down a pheasant]  I got it! I got one, I got one!

  Jeremy Usborne : [unimpressed]  Congratulations. You've killed a sentient being.

  Ian Chapman : Well done, Mark. But you only winged it.

  [the pheasant is lying on the ground, twitching] 

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, is that not...?

  Ian Chapman : No, you've got to finish it off.

  Mark Corrigan : Oh, right.

  [he points his shotgun at it] 

  Ian Chapman : No, don't shoot it! God!

  Mark Corrigan : [raising his foot above it]  What, shall I?

  Ian Chapman : Don't stamp on it! Jesus. Wring its neck.

  Mark Corrigan : Its neck?

  Ian Chapman : Yes, wring its neck, it's suffering.

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  This is the ultimate good impression test. If I can do this, I'll never have to carve a chicken or discuss spark plugs or prove I love his daughter.

  [he picks up the pheasant] 

  Ian Chapman : Now, be careful you don't...

  [Mark accidentally wrenches the bird's head off. Blood spurts out] 

  Ian Chapman : Oh, Mark. You've pulled its bloody head off.

  Mark Corrigan : [horrified]  There's blood all over me!

  [Sophie appears with a bag] 

  Sophie Chapman : Teas, coffees for the huntsmen!

  Jeremy Usborne : No teas for the beastmaster, thanks. He feasts on the blood of his prey.

• Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  I'm a motherfucker. That's literally what I am.

• Mark Corrigan : Oh my God, you didn't! You fucked her! Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control! That's Sophie's mother!

  Jeremy Usborne : She's hot.

  Mark Corrigan : She's not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh, you're a piece of work, aren't you? I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad and you're back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression.

  Jeremy Usborne : I don't know, I think I made a pretty good impression.

  Mark Corrigan : Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not James Bond, you're disgusting!

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  I am James Bond.

• [Mark and Jeremy are in a field with Sophie's dad, who is using a metal detector and wearing headphones] 

  Jeremy Usborne : So come on, Mark, why haven't you told her yet?

  Mark Corrigan : Shh! He can hear.

  Jeremy Usborne : He can't hear.

  [to Ian] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Can you, you big fox-hunting, badger-baiting, tweed shirt, bumfuck homophobe?

  [Ian turns to them, taking his headphones off] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Oh, shit.

  Ian Chapman : [holding up a bottle cap]  Bottle cap. Another one for the collection.

  [he puts his headphones back on and carries on with the metal detector] 

  Jeremy Usborne : So, come on. Are you having second thoughts?

  Mark Corrigan : I don't know, maybe. I mean, she's so nice. So what if I don't really love her? Charles didn't really love Diana and they were all right. Sort of.

  Ian Chapman : [still wearing his headphones]  You don't really love Sophie?

  Mark Corrigan : What? No.

  Ian Chapman : That's what you said.

  Mark Corrigan : No, I didn't.

  Ian Chapman : Yes, you did.

  Mark Corrigan : No, no, because of distortion, there was probably a buzz. There might an ancient Saxon coin right here...

  [he gets down and starts sifting through the mud] 

  Ian Chapman : Stop it, Mark. I heard every word. And for the record, Jeremy, I may be a homophobe, but I'm no badger baiter.

• Jeremy Usborne : So, I like your barn, Ian.

  Ian Chapman : It's full of crap no one has any use for. Maybe that's why I feel so at home here. Ha.

• [Ian suspects Penny is having sex with one of his neighbours] 

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Oh, thank you, Dan, whoever you are.

  Ian Chapman : Penny's probably been doing his curtains all day. "Out you lot go, I'm ramming Dan." Oh yeah, it was Ramadan at his place today, but he's no Muslim.

• [Mark and Jez are in the guest bedroom at Sophie's parents' house. Someone knocks on the door, Mark thinks it's Sophie and doesn't want to see her] 

  Mark Corrigan : [whispering]  Snore!

  Jeremy Usborne : What?

  [Mark starts making snoring noises, Jez copies him. The door opens; it's Sophie's mother] 

  Penny Chapman : I heard you snoring, but you're not asleep.

  Mark Corrigan : No, just... practising.

• Jeremy Usborne : Look, it was really nice of Sophie inviting me but I've actually got loads of really important stuff I need to do this weekend.

  Mark Corrigan : Jeremy, a carton of Mars Bar milk, a small bag of marijuana and a pirated DVD of Anchorman is not important stuff.

• Ian Chapman : There it is, Dan's barn.

  Mark Corrigan : Or you could just post something negative on the internet or blank him in the post office, that would send out a pretty horrible message.

  Ian Chapman : This is the law of the jungle, this is an eye for an eye.

  Mark Corrigan : And you're sure you're poking the right man in the eye?

  Ian Chapman : [holding up a Molotov cocktail]  Light it.

  [Mark lights the rag stuffed into the glass bottle filled with petrol. Ian runs towards the barn] 

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Well, this is not what I expected. You think you'll be playing Simpsons Monopoly and you end up an arsonist. Still, at least it's not me he's trying to incinerate.

  Jeremy Usborne : What was all that about, trying to get him to poke me in the eye? Let him poke Dan in the eye!

  Mark Corrigan : Right, so instead of facing up to your responsibilities, poor old Dan's going to wake up with his barn burnt, saying goodbye to his no-claims bonus.

  [Ian throws the bottle into the barn and it rapidly goes up in flames] 

  Jeremy Usborne : Look, stop moaning. We're out with a man who owns guns, you're chucking his daughter and I've screwed his wife. Tonight is going, if a bit weird, extremely fucking well for us.

  Mark Corrigan : I suppose you're right. Plus maybe burning stuff is, not normal, but less of a big deal out here than it is in a major conurbation.

  Jeremy Usborne : Exactly. I nick your milk, you burn my barn.

  Mark Corrigan : Like scrumping, for apples.

  Ian Chapman : [runs back to them]  That's teach him to put his dick where it's not wanted!

  Jeremy Usborne : Yeah, take that, barny!

  Mark Corrigan : [voiceover]  Oh God, I'm a firestarter, a twisted firestarter!

• Penny Chapman : Come back soon.

  Jeremy Usborne : [voiceover]  Yeah right, so your husband can kill me and your son can worship my stuffed corpse and you can wheel me out for a fuck? No thank you!

• Jeremy Usborne : [watching the news about Tony Blair's resignation]  But what's Blair going to do?

  Super Hans : Maybe he'll become an ethical porn star.

  Jeremy Usborne : Or a supergroup. Blair on guitar, Bono on vocals, Clinton on sax.

  Super Hans : Yeah, that is defintely going to happen. Geldof's gonna shit.