EuroTrip (2004)
Jacob Pitts: Cooper Harris
Photos
Quotes
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[repeated line]
Cooper : This isn't where I parked my car.
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Cooper : Oh, here it is. Bratislava. Hmm. Capital of Slovakia. Oh, here's a fun fact: You made out with your sister, man!
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Scott : Let me handle this, I speak better German. Hello!
Truck Driver : Hello!
Scott : [in German] My German is ill, but I can understand on you if the speaking is slowly.
Truck Driver : [in German] German! I have been driving for 14 hours straight and I haven't slept in three days and I am wired on schnapps, benzedrine, and those little chocolate covered peanuts.
Cooper : What did he say?
Scott : He said he's driving, something...
Scott : [in German] Do you know where is Berlin?
Truck Driver : [in German] Berlin? Yes, I know it well. I stabbed a woman in a bar in Berlin. But I am going nowhere near Berlin.
Scott : Berlin!
Truck Driver : [in German] Berlin! I also sexually assaulted a horse in Berlin.
Scott : He's going to Berlin.
Jamie : Awesome.
Truck Driver : [in German] Nowhere near Berlin.
Scott : All right, come on, let's go.
[the group get in the back of the truck]
Truck Driver : [to self, in German] I'll drive this truck off a cliff before I ever go back to Berlin.
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Madame Vandersexxx : [Screams] On, on, VANDERSEXXX!
[the sexy ladies leave while the room is transformed into a BDSM lair and Madame is revealed as a domanitrix]
Madame Vandersexxx : Hans, Gruber!
[Hans and Gruber, Madame's goons, step into the room]
Cooper : [nervously] Hi. So, are the girls coming back?
Madame Vandersexxx : Administer the testicle clamps!
Cooper : [grows fearful; Cooper's jeans are ripped off] Huh? What? Hey!
[the boys prepare to torture Cooper as Madame smiles and watches]
Cooper : [panics as he pulls out the paper with the "safe word", but mispronounces it] Safe word! What is that? That's not a word! That's a - "Fluggen-kliggin-kien"?
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[repeated line]
Cooper : You guys are the worst twins ever.
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[after taking a drink of Absinthe]
Jamie : I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.
Cooper : Me neither.
Scott : Sober as a judge.
[to a hallucinatory green fairy]
Scott : How about you?
Green Fairy : I'm not feelin' a goddamn thing. This Absinthe is BULLSHIT!
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Cooper : You know America was founded by prudes. Prudes who left Europe because they hated all the kinky, steamy European sex that was going on. And now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers and claim my birthright... which is a series of erotic and sexually challenging adventures.
Scott : You've really thaught a lot about this, haven't you?
Cooper : It's my passion!
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Scott : I'm in love with my pen pal! I'm in love with Mike!
Cooper : Okay, okay. You know what? I was actually expecting this. And frankly, listen, I'm flattered that you picked me to come out to first. And don't worry about telling your folks, cause, eh, I think they already know.
Scott : No, you idiot, Mike is a girl!
Cooper : No, no, no, I get it, yeah. He's the girl, you're the girl. Sometimes you're both the girl. Right, right? That's hot. But, you know, whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.
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Cooper : This is DEFINITELY where I parked my car.
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Madame Vandersexxx : Welcome to Club Vandersexxx, Amsterdam's most erotic club. Where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.
Cooper : Also, says I get a free t-shirt with the flyer.
Madame Vandersexxx : He is American. How sad for you to grow up in a country that was founded by prudes. A country over run with crime and illiteracy. A country where a man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time and one must learn the woman's name beforehand.
Cooper : It was horrible.
Madame Vandersexxx : I know, but you can come with me and let the Vandersexxx begin.
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Cooper : [in London, answers his cell phone] Cooper here. Hello Mr. Walters. Uh, yes sir, I'm down in file storage. Oh, just hang on one second.
[lowers phone, picks teeth, puts phone back to ear]
Cooper : No, sir, I can't find the Goodwin file anywhere. Yes sir, I'll keep looking. I don't rest until I find it.
[hangs up]
Scott : You didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?
Cooper : They would have stopped paying me. Seemed easier.
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Cooper : All right. Stay black, Bert.
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Cooper : Jenny, that outfit is terrible! Take it off, now!
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Cooper : What's the etiquette on boners? Do I role over and dig out a hole for it, or is it cool to just let my flag fly?
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Cooper : Can we please just get out of here, this guy's really creeping me out.
Scott : Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.
Cooper : Hey, I really don't like him.
Scott : Why, just because he's doing this?
[starts acting like a robot making robot noises]
Cooper : Seriously, don't do that.
Scott : [in a robot voice] Cooper, do not hate me. I am familiar with over 600 dance moves and I am programmed to get...
[Robot noises]
Scott : Freaky.
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Cooper : You still writing that guy? I thought that was just for German class.
Scott : Yeah, it was at first, but you know, we're actually becoming pretty good friends. He's a really cool guy.
[starts to type]
Scott : Dear Mike, greetings from your American pen pal.
Cooper : Scotty, girl scouts have pen pals. Listen to yourself, all right? You met a "cool guy" on the Internet? This is how these sexual predators work. Next thing you know he's gonna want to arrange a meeting, where he will gas you, stuff you in the back of his van and make a wind chime out of your genitals.
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[Cooper, in serious pain and humiliated from last night's BDSM "living nightmare", arrives to see both Scott and Jenny sitting on the bench and also humiliated from the incident at a bakery]
Scott : What did you do last night?
Cooper : I don't wanna talk about it. What did you guys do?
Scott , Jenny : Don't wanna talk about it.
Scott : [notices the Vandersexxx t-shirt] What is that?
Cooper : Free t-shirt.
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Cooper : [jumps into the hot tub with Candy in it] Oh, crap! This isn't where I parked my car!
Candy : Cooper Harris, you're a pig!
[starts getting out]
Cooper : Wait, Candy. Before you go, you might want to clean that off.
Candy : Clean what off?
Cooper : It's like dirt or something. Go like this.
[shows her how to rub her breast]
Cooper : No, just cut it under. To the side, and under.
Candy : Is it off?
Cooper : No. I think your top is getting in the way.
Candy : Really?
Cooper : Trust me.
[Candy takes off her top]
Cooper : That's better. But keep rubbing it!
[she rubs]
Cooper : No, it's just not coming off.
Candy : [looks at her chest] Well, what is it?
Cooper : Oh, I'll do it. Come here.
[Cooper starts reaching for Candy's breasts]
Missy : [walks in with three jocks] Oh my God, Candy!
Candy : [covers herself] Cooper!
Cooper : [looks at the jocks] Hey. This isn't where I parked my car.
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Cooper : How the hell could this happen? We all go to Amsterdam and *Jamie's* the one who hooks up? For shame!
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Scott , Cooper : [seeing Jamie and Jenny making out] Oh, my God!
Green Fairy : That is some pretty fucked-up shit right there. Can you say what the fuck did I do last night?
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Scott : Hey, thanks for coming with me. I know you had that internship at the law firm this summer.
Cooper : Oh, forget about the law firm. And don't thank me, I should be thanking you. This trip is a once in a life-time opportunity for me to broaden my sexual horizons.
Scott : What are you talking about?
Cooper : I'm talking about crazy European sex.
Scott : Ah.
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Cooper : There's your R rating right there.
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[last lines]
Scott : [on the phone with Cooper and Jenny] Hold on, this must be my new roommate.
[Scotty opens the door and finds Mieke standing there]
Cooper : [yelling over the phone] What's the freak look like? Is he a dork or is he cool? He better not be cooler than me. Is he bigger than me?
Scott : I just got your last email. What are you doing here?
Mieke : Going to college.
Scott : You're going to college here? What dorm?
Mieke : This one. Room 2-1-4.
Scott : How is this possible?
Mieke : I guess they thought I was a guy.
Scott : Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?
[Scotty and Mieke kiss]
Cooper : [over the phone] Do I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new roommate, Scotty?
[Scotty and Mieke fall on Scotty's bed laughing and continue to make out]
Cooper : Scotty? Scotty? *Scotty*!
Green Fairy : [Green Fairy appears] This happy ending is bullshit! When does the fairy get laid? I'm outta here!
[makes the words The End appear with his wand, flies away]
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Cooper : This is just so brutal, and yet I can't look away.
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Cooper : This sucks. I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here. Europe is officially the worst country on earth.
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Scott : So, have you guys decided where you're gonna go first?
Jenny : Paris! I can't wait. I heard two years ago, Nicky Jager's sister Debbie met this really wealthy French guy, and they spent a month sailing the Mediterranean on his yacht. Isn't that just the most romantic thing you've ever heard?
Cooper : Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy? That sounds a little gay.
Jenny : It's not gay. I'm a girl.
Scott : Kinda gay.
Cooper : A little gay.
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[Cooper's ringtune goes off and it's 'Scotty Doesn't Know.']
Cooper : Oh... that's me.
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Scott : We're going to be couriers?
Cooper : Best way to get a cheap flight. We just have to carry their packages, then drop them off when we get there. My cousin did it going to India.
Scott : Yeah?
Cooper : Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi, and they had to cut off his leg. Heh. But he got there cheap.
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Cooper : Well, there's your R-rating right there.
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Cooper : Ha ha, look at Jamie's penis.
