Ray Romano credited as playing...
Skip Collins
- Fred Collins: [about to set his grandfather's casket on fire] Dad! Lighter!
- Skip Collins: Be careful, guys. I love this lighter.
- Skip Collins: Don't worry. Don't worry about Alice, she? you think she's gone, she comes back. You know, like herpes.
- Judy: Thanks, Skip.
- Aunt Lily: Where did they even hear the term 'Erotic Cheesecake'?
- Skip Collins: Hey, somebody's gotta teach them these things, right?
- Aunt Lily: What things? That you can make a cheesecake look like disembodied breasts?
- Skip Collins: ...Or an ass...
- [last lines]
- Skip Collins: [at wedding] It's not a dirty joke. It's not a dirty joke! Just let people...
- Alice Collins: [trying to grab the microphone]
- Skip Collins: These two gym teachers walk into a hardware store...
- Alice Collins: [finally gets the microphone away from him]
- Skip Collins: Hey, Elvis killed himself because someone was gonna write a book about his underwear wrestling.
- Skip Collins: [Lucy and Alice are rolling on the floor, fighting. Skip is watching with interest] Okay okay, that's almost enough!
- Daniel Collins: Hey, did we have a blackout last night?
- Kate Collins: That's what I heard.
- Skip Collins: Yeah, we sure did. I couldn't even find my room.
- [Lucy smacks him with a newspaper]
- Skip Collins: What?
- Lucy Collins: You found my room all right.
- Skip Collins: It was dark.
- Lucy Collins: So you hid in my closet? With your *kids*?
- Skip Collins: [shouts] We were lost!
- Lucy Collins: [Lucy and Judy enter the house]
- [to Judy]
- Lucy Collins: You remember Skip?
- Judy: Yeah.
- Lucy Collins: And the boys Tim and Jim, right?
- Skip Collins: Yeah, close enough.
- Judy: Hi guys, I'm uh, I'm Lucy's life partner.
- Fred Collins: [Together with Ted] Lesbians.
- Ted Collins: [Together with Fred] Lesbians.
- Skip Collins: Pop loved poetry.
- Kate Collins: He did.
- Skip Collins: Yeah. All the ones about Nantucket.
- Skip Collins: I think his favorite was about a little handicapped girl. There once was a girl who was crippled, by the weight of her overgrown nipple.
- Skip Collins: Dearest Judge...
- Judge: Excuse me?
- Skip Collins: My client...
- [whispering]
- Skip Collins: name?
- Lace: Oh, um, Lace.
- Skip Collins: Miss Lace, was engaged in a consensual servicing of an entrapable member...
- Judge: Are you an attorney?
- Skip Collins: [smiles] Touche, your highness.
- Skip Collins: This is why your mother left us.
- Ted Collins: She was a hack.
- Fred Collins: I've seen better moms on TV.
- Skip Collins: Guys, c'mon.We've got this funeral
- Ted Collins: Grandpa's not going anywhere
- Skip Collins: Get in the car!
- Skip Collins: That's try not to be the biggest freaks in the circus.
- Ted Collins: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
- Fred Collins: He wants us to say 'No thank you' instead of 'Eat my ass Jello'.
- Daniel Collins: Go talk to your mother.
- Skip Collins: You talk to her, alright? She's a downer.
- Daniel Collins: She's a widow.
- Skip Collins: She was a downer first.
- Skip Collins: When I die I want to be cremated, and ashes mixed with the ink that the government uses to print money. Yeah. Then I'll be everywhere.
- Skip Collins: My pop never told me. He never told me... How much he...
- Fred Collins: Stop.
- Skip Collins: What?
- Ted Collins: You were going to say the L word.
- Skip Collins: I just...
- Ted Collins: Dad, we know how you feel. Don't cheapen it with words.