Jeff Garlin: Jeff Greene

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Jeff Greene

Helpful•62

Restaraunt Chef: [Larry hires a chef who has Tourette's Syndrome] Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch!
[the restaurant suddenly turns silent]
Larry David: [Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer] Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that.
Larry David: [Aloud] Scum-sucking motherfucking whore!
Jeff Greene: Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!
Michael York: Bum! Fuck, turd, fart... cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!
Restaurant Manager: Dammit... hell... crap... ssssssshit!
Cheryl: Ya goddamn motherfuckin' bitch!
Susie Greene: [Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her] Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT!
Cheryl's Dad: Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob.
Richard Lewis: Pussy pig fucker!
Jeff Greene's Dad: Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
[Everyone in the restaurant is now laughing hysterically]

Helpful•65

Jeff Greene: All of the women at HBO, they don't want to work with you.
Larry David: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.
Jeff Greene: They think you're a misogynist.
Larry David: Why, 'cause I called the guy a cunt? So what!
Jeff Greene: 'Cause you called the guy a cunt.
Larry David: Big deal, I call men pricks all the time, men want to work with me.
Jeff Greene: Well, cunt's worse.
Larry David: Cunt's not worse. Pricks and cunts, they're equal. Pricks, cunts, come on. They balance out.
Jeff Greene: No, cunt is worse. Cunt's much heavier.
Larry David: Why? Why is cunt heavier?
Jeff Greene: I never questioned, it just is.
Larry David: That's sexist to me! Come on.

Helpful•21

Larry David: I pee sitting down.
Jeff Greene: You pee sitting down?
Larry David: Yeah! Have you ever tried it?
Jeff Greene: No!
Larry David: It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn on the light and wake up, and you get to read.
Jeff Greene: What are you reading?
Larry David: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
Jeff Greene: What stuff?
Larry David: If I peed twenty times during a day I can get through a whole New York Times for god's sake!
Jeff Greene: Twenty times?
Larry David: Yeah! Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learnin' somethin'!
Jeff Greene: What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learnin' somethin'?

Helpful•10

Nurse: I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr. Lewis for his kidney transplant.
Jeff Greene: Goodnight, nurse...
Nurse: Goodnight.
Jeff Greene: It's just a saying.
Nurse: I never heard of it.
Jeff Greene: It's an old one.
Nurse: That's nice.
Jeff Greene: It is.
Nurse: I know it is.
Jeff Greene: Do you?
Nurse: Do *you*?
Jeff Greene: I do.
Nurse: Good for you.
Jeff Greene: It is good for me.
Nurse: Oh, you think so?
Jeff Greene: I know so.
Nurse: I'm glad.
Jeff Greene: So am I.
Nurse: That makes two of us.
Jeff Greene: So you say.
Nurse: So I did.

Helpful•6

Jeff Greene: [Jeff is carting around Suzie's dog, a German Shepard] Boy, you seem to really like Oscar.
Larry David: It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something German, it just doesn't happen that often.

Helpful•4

Helpful•3

Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] You know what a woman would do if I ever asked her to lift up her top?
Jeff Greene: Why do you have to analyze this? Can't we just watch this?
Larry David: She would spit on me! If I ever asked a woman to lift up her top, she would kick me in the balls and spit on me!
Jeff Greene: We've waited a long time to see this and all you're doing is yakking. Be quiet, come on!

Helpful•5

Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] What do you mean you're not going to pause it?
Jeff Greene: I'm not a pauser, I don't like pausing.
Larry David: Well, that's rude, I'll miss it.
Jeff Greene: I'll rewind it when you come back.
Larry David: Yeah, but I can see when you rewind and it'll give it away!
Jeff Greene: There's no story! Give what away? There's bosoms! That's it!