Guarding Tess (1994)

Shirley MacLaine: Tess Carlisle

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Tess Carlisle : [implying Bob should called Doug, while in the canned goods aisle in the supermarket]  It's got no price at all.

  Bob Hutcherson : [over the radio]  Yes ma'am. Uh, Doug, this is Bobby in canned goods, are you anywhere near the manager? I need a price check on Lesieur baby peas, repeat, Lesieur baby peas.

  Doug Chesnic : Lesieur baby peas.

  Store Manager : They're on special today, two for .59.

  Doug Chesnic : [over the radio]  They're on special today, two for .59.

  Bob Hutcherson : [over the radio]  Uh, copy that, it's two for .59.

  Tess Carlisle : But I only want one.

  Bob Hutcherson : Uh, roger that, Doug, but she only wants one.

  Doug Chesnic : How much for just one?

  Store Manager : The same. It's a two for one thing.

  Doug Chesnic : [over the radio]  Uh, Bobby, it's a two for one thing so I suggest you go ahead and get both.

  Bob Hutcherson : [over the radio]  Uh, copy that Doug but I believe we've lost in interest in peas, repeat, lost interest in peas. Canned goods out.

• Doug Chesnic : [Calming the hospital employee who insisted it's hospital policy that patients leave by wheelchair]  The regulations aren't really that sacred, are they?

  Doug Chesnic : [while taking his sunglasses]  And Tess... Get in the god damn chair.

  Tess Carlisle : [while sitting in the wheel chair, with Fredrick pushing from behind, taps hand with her right hand]  Hmm. Very good, Douglas. You're going to be all right.

• Tess Carlisle : [in her bedroom]  I have some exciting news for you. I have an inoperable brain tumor.

  [pause] 

  Tess Carlisle : I have bought you and your men a scud missile launcher.

  [pause] 

  Tess Carlisle : We are going to the opera in Columbus. Which of those do you think is true?

  Doug Chesnic : When?

• Tess Carlisle : [to Doug, in her bedroom]  The President is coming to Somersville. Will you have the cars and the machine guns ready in about an hour?

• Tess Carlisle : You suppose the average tax payer has any idea how much money is being spent to guard all these old political has-beens and their wives? Oh my gawd, it's an outrage. The cars, the manpower, it makes me sick.

• Tess Carlisle : You should try doin' crazy yourself. You should get a date. You should have a martini. You should drive with the top down. You should, better yet, give a tired old widow a break.