- Clampett Relative: Reverend, do you think cousin Bill's gonna be too busy to make it to the wedding?
- [establishing shot of the White House]
- President Clinton: Hillary, where did I put that invitation?
- Morgan Drysdale: [about Elly May] Aw, Dad, you wanna pay me to hang out with her? Aw, she must be a MAJOR bow-wow!
- Milburn Drysdale: Son... close your eyes.
- [beat, closes Morgan's eyes]
- Milburn Drysdale: Close your eyes! Now -- picture this... I cut off your allowance...
- [Morgan gulps]
- Milburn Drysdale: ... cancel your credit cards...
- [Morgan gulps]
- Milburn Drysdale: ... and delete you from my will.
- [Morgan gulps]
- Milburn Drysdale: Now... how do you see your future?
- Morgan Drysdale: Grilling frozen cow parts at Burger King?
- Milburn Drysdale: And people say you're stupid.
- [on the subject of California]
- Elly May: I hear they got smog.
- Daisy Mae 'Granny' Moses: What's a smog?
- [pause]
- Jethro: I reckon it's a small hog.
- Milburn Drysdale: Well, son... what do you do?
- Jethro: Don't know, what do YOU do?
- Milburn Drysdale: Well, I'm just... president of a bank.
- Jethro: Wow! Uncle Jed, can I be president too?
- Jed Clampett: Now Jethro, that's a mighty disrespectful thing to say to Mr. Drysdale.
- Milburn Drysdale: Aw...
- Jed Clampett: [beat] Ask him if you can be vice president!
- Aunt Pearl: [riding with Jethro to Jed's cabin] Jethro?
- Jethro: [driving] Yes, Momma?
- Aunt Pearl: Did you take care of those old bare-as-bones brakes like I told you?
- Jethro: 'Course. I pulled them off yesterday!
- [beat]
- Jethro: The new ones are comin' in the mail next week!
- Guy in Jeep: Hey! Nice wheels, buddy!
- [flips off the Clampetts]
- Jed Clampett: Jethro, what do you reckon that feller's pointin' at us?
- Jethro: I reckon that's the way they wave howdy in Californy!
- [Jethro is about to drive past a tree with a branch]
- Jethro: Watch your head, Granny!
- [Granny, who is tied up to her rocking chair got knocked off from Jethro's car by the tree branch they passed through]
- [Trying to figure out the game of Bowling]
- Jethro: I think I got this game figured out. You throw the ball down this gully. Then you throw yourself down the other gully, and try to hit them snake-hittin' clubs before the ball does.
- Jed Clampett: [a motorists has pulled a pistol on the Clampetts] That's real cute, son. This here's what I carry
- [pulls out a huge shotgun]
- Jed Clampett: .
- Milburn Drysdale: Where is your mother?
- Morgan Drysdale: She's changing.
- Milburn Drysdale: That would be too much to hope for.
- Jed Clampett: Elly, Nature made you a girl, and here lately she's been gettin' more and more positive about it.
- Laura Jackson: What a stupid idiot.
- Jed Clampett: Did you say something, ma'am?
- Laura Jackson: What a stupendous intellect.
- Jethro: That's cause I "grad-ge-ated" the sixth grade, ma'am. Only took three years.
- Jed Clampett: I reckon you done what you done because you didn't know we was who we was. And if we hadn't been who we was, we'd have still been much obliged for you to have done what you done.
- Miss Jane Hathaway: I must say, it is inspirational how you managed to find a place for the Clampetts right next door to your own.
- Milburn Drysdale: Hathaway, the people who lived there were my best friends and neighbors for over 20 years.
- Miss Jane Hathaway: It's a shame they had to file for bankruptcy.
- Milburn Drysdale: Yes, well... I just hope my call to the IRS didn't have anything to do with it.
- [Talking about Laura "getting married" to Jed Clampett]
- Woodrow Tyler: You're not going to sleep with him, are you?
- Laura Jackson: That's not your problem.
- Woodrow Tyler: Good! Laura, I've got my hand on your butt. (Laura disconnects the line) Hold on! I've got someone on call waiting. (disconnects the line) Hello! Hello! (gets back on previous line) It was nobody! Anyways, I've got my hand on your butt and I'm squeezing.
- Mr. Drysdale: Tyler, get your hand off my butt.
- Dolly Parton: Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Jed Clampett, they spent a fortune on me for you!
- Laura Jackson: [in mock French accent] You are a fine dancer... and a very attractive man. Whomever Miss Hathaway finds for you to marry is going to be a very 'appy woman.
- Jed Clampett: [bashful] Well thank you, ma'am.
- Laura Jackson: And all women know... 'a-PEE-ness is hard to find.
- Jed Clampett: [startled] ... 'scuse me?
- Laura Jackson: 'a-PEE-ness.
- Jed Clampett: [beat, confused] Oh, happiness!
- [Laura nods]
- Jed Clampett: Well... I've disturbed your work enough, ma'am...
- Reverend Mason: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in case of an emergency, oxygen masks will fall from the overhead compartment. Your seat cushion can be used as a floatin' device. Thus sayeth the Lord.
- Jed Clampett: Excuse me, Reverend, but I believe you're reading the airplane safety instructions.
- Laura Jackson: May we skip this part?
- Woodrow Tyler: [Thinks he's still having phone sex with his girlfriend, Laura] I've got my hand on your butt, and I'm squeezing...
- Milburne Drysdale: TYLER! Get your hand off my butt!
- Aunt Pearl: You folks oughta move yourselves to a place like... Beverly Hills, Californy.
- Jethro: They got swimming pools and movie stars!
- Jethro: [discussing his theory on bowling] I've finally figured this game out, Spanky. You take this ball, put it in this here gully. It rolls down yonder, then you hurl yourself down this slippery gully, and see how many of them there snake bashing clubs you can knock down before the ball gets there.
- [Hathaway and Granny have crashed Jed's wedding by arriving in Jethro's pick-up monster truck]
- Milburn Drysdale: Hathaway! Have you lost your mind?
- Miss Jane Hathaway: [pointing towards Laura] She's an imposter! She's only marrying Mr. Clampett just to steal his money!
- Daisy Mae 'Granny' Moses: And that sidewinder Tyler helped her!
- Milburn Drysdale: I'm ruined!
- [Drysdale runs off]
- Mrs. Margaret Drysdale: Milburn? Milburn!
- [Laura and Tyler are escaping the wedding before she gets an idea]
- Laura Jackson: Tyler! Let's set up the computer and push the button. If I can't have their money, nobody should!
- [Tyler makes space on a nearby table and begins furiously typing]
- Laura Jackson: We'll send their billion bucks bouncing around so many banks, they'll never find it.
- Woodrow Tyler: [to Laura] It's all set! All I gotta do is push that button! Ha-ha-ha!
- [to Jed's relatives]
- Woodrow Tyler: You rustic, nose-picking, inbred yokels! You're all about to be poor again.
- Miss Jane Hathaway: Think again!
- [Wielding a shotgun, Hathaway blows the computer into pieces]
- Daisy Mae 'Granny' Moses: [sees Miss Hathway talking on her cell phone] She thinks she's talkin' to somebody! Ain't even a cord there!
- Miss Jane Hathaway: [to Jed, while talking to Mr. Drysdale on her cell phone] Mr. Drysdale wants you to know that the bank is ready to help out in any way that it can.
- Jed Clampett: There's one reason and reason only that I moved out here.
- [beat]
- Jed Clampett: I'm lookin' to get hitched!
- Miss Jane Hathaway: [beat, stunned; then, into cell phone:] Chief, he says he wants to get hitched.
- Milburn Drysdale: [into his car phone] Hitched?
- Miss Jane Hathaway: Married.
- Milburn Drysdale: MARRIED?
- Miss Jane Hathaway: Chief, that's what I said.
- Milburn Drysdale: Miss Hathaway, if... if Clampett wants a wife, tell him you will personally find him one.
- Miss Jane Hathaway: Oh, but Chief! Capable as I may be, matrimonial brokering is...
- Milburn Drysdale: Is now one of your specialties. Congratulations, Miss Hathaway. And good luck.
- Miss Jane Hathaway: [stunned] Yes sir.
- [She snaps her cell phone shut and shoves its antenna down, then notices she's bent it]
- Miss Jane Hathaway: Oh dear. No problem.
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Top Gap
By what name was The Beverly Hillbillies (1993) officially released in India in English?
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