- Wayne Campbell: So, do you come to Milwaukee often?
- Alice Cooper: Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers were coming here as early as the late 1600s to trade with the Native Americans.
- Pete: In fact, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
- Alice Cooper: Yes, Pete, it is. Actually, it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."
- Wayne Campbell: I was not aware of that.
- Garth Algar: Benjamin is nobody's friend. If Benjamin were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.
- [Wayne and Garth are lying on the hood of the mirth-mobile, staring at the starlit sky]
- Garth Algar: Sometimes I wish I could boldly go where no man has gone before... but I'll probably stay in Aurora. What are you thinking about?
- Wayne Campbell: Cassandra. She's a fox. In French, she would be called "la renarde" and she would be hunted with only her cunning to protect her.
- Garth Algar: She's a babe.
- Wayne Campbell: She's a robo-babe. In Latin, she would be called "babia majora".
- Garth Algar: If she were a president, she would be Baberham Lincoln.
- [a brief pause]
- Garth Algar: Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played a girl bunny?
- Wayne Campbell: No.
- [cracks up laughing]
- Wayne Campbell: No.
- Garth Algar: Neither did I. I was just asking.
- Tiny: Wayne. How you doin'?
- Wayne Campbell: Hey, Tiny, who's playing today?
- Tiny: Jolly Green Giants and the Shitty Beetles.
- Wayne Campbell: Shitty Beetles? Are they any good?
- Tiny: They suck.
- Wayne Campbell: Then it's not just a clever name.
- Garth Algar: Uh oh. Don't look. Stacy.
- Wayne Campbell: Where? Oh, God, I made eye contact.
- Garth Algar: Psycho hose beast.
- Stacy: Happy anniversary, Wayne.
- Wayne Campbell: Stacy, we broke up two months ago.
- Stacy: Well that doesn't mean we can't still go out.
- Wayne Campbell: Well it does, actually. That's what breaking up is.
- Stacy: Well, are you going to go to the Gasworks tonight?
- Wayne Campbell: No.
- Stacy: Don't you want to open your present?
- Wayne Campbell: If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset.
- Stacy: Open it.
- Wayne Campbell: Ok. What is it?
- Stacy: It's a gun rack.
- Wayne Campbell: A gun rack... a gun rack. I don't even own *a* gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?
- Stacy: You don't like it? Fine. You know Wayne, if you're not careful, you're going to lose me.
- Wayne Campbell: I lost you two months ago. Are you mental? We broke up. Get the net!
- Wayne Campbell: Am I supposed to be a man? Am I supposed to say, "It's OK, I don't mind, I don't mind"? Well, I mind! I mind big time! And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ.
- Cassandra: Is that true?
- Wayne Campbell: Yes, everything except the reading part.
- Benjamin: Wayne! Listen, we need to have a talk about Vanderhoff. The fact is he's the sponsor and you signed a contract guaranteeing him certain concessions, one of them being a spot on the show.
- Wayne Campbell: [holding a Pizza Hut box] Well that's where I see things just a little differently. Contract or no, I will not bow to any sponsor.
- Benjamin: I'm sorry you feel that way, but basically it's the nature of the beast.
- Wayne Campbell: [holding a bag of Doritos] Maybe I'm wrong on this one, but for me, the beast doesn't include selling out. Garth, you know what I'm talking about, right?
- Garth Algar: [wearing Reebok wardrobe] It's like people only do these things because they can get paid. And that's just really sad.
- Wayne Campbell: I can't talk about it anymore; it's giving me a headache.
- Garth Algar: Here, take two of these!
- [Dumps two Nuprin pills into Wayne's hand]
- Wayne Campbell: Ah, Nuprin. Little. Yellow. Different.
- Benjamin: Look, you can stay here in the big leagues and play by the rules, or you can go back to the farm club in Aurora. It's your choice.
- Wayne Campbell: [holding a can of Pepsi] Yes, and it's the choice of a new generation.
- Wayne Campbell: [to an old man in the neighboring car at a red light] Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?
- Mikita's Manager, Glen: [to the camera] I'd never done a crazy thing in my life before that night. Why is it that if a man kills another man in battle, it's called heroic, yet if he kills a man in the heat of passion, it's called murder?
- Wayne Campbell: Hel-lo! What do you think you're doing? Only me and Garth get to talk to the camera.
- Garth Algar: Uhm, Wayne? What do you do if every time you see this one incredible woman, you think you're gonna hurl?
- Wayne Campbell: I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
- Wayne Campbell: Or, imagine being magically whisked away to... Delaware.
- [pauses]
- Wayne Campbell: Hi. I'm in... Delaware.
- Garth Algar: OK... First I'll access the secret military spy satellite that's in a geosynchronous orbit over the Midwest. Then, I'll ID the limo by the vanity plate "MR. BIGGG" and get his approximate position. Then, I'll reposition the transmitter dish on the remote truck to 17.32 degrees east, hit WESTAR 4 over the Atlantic, bounce the signal down into the Azores, up to COMSAT 6, beam it back to SATCOM 2 transmitter number 137, and down on the dish on the back of Mr. Big's limo... It's almost too easy.
- Wayne Campbell: All I have to say about that is "asphinctersayswhat".
- Noah Vanderhoff: What?
- Wayne Campbell: Exactly.
- Mikita's Manager, Glen: You know, if you stab a man in the dead of winter, steam will rise up from the wounds. Indians believed it was his soul escaping from his body.
- Benjamin: Hey, who wants Chinese take-out? I know a great place!
- Wayne Campbell: I'll have the "cream of sum yung guy".
- Wayne Campbell: Well, that's all the time we had for our movie. We hope you found it entertaining, whimsical and yet relevant, with an underlying revisionist conceit that belied the films emotional attachments to the subject matter.
- Garth Algar: I just hoped you didn't think it sucked.
- [Holding Claudia Schiffer picture]
- Garth Algar: Hey, are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding it.
- Wayne Campbell: Yeah, that's what she said.
- Wayne Campbell: I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.
- [Talking about Claudia Schiffer]
- Wayne Campbell: She's a babe.
- Garth Algar: She's magically babelicious.
- Wayne Campbell: She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.
- Russel: It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cue.
- Wayne Campbell: Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...
- Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar: [to Alice Cooper] We're not worthy! We're not worthy!
- Garth Algar: We're scum!
- Wayne Campbell: We suck!
- Garth Algar: [reading Benjamin's planner aloud] "Daily reminder, Thursday: Purchase feeble public access cable show and exploit it." Gee, I feel sorry for whoever *that* is.
- Garth Algar: That bass player's a babe. She makes me feel kinda funny, like when we used to climb the rope in gym class.
- Mikita's Manager, Glen: Anything wrong, Davy?
- Davy: Yeah, I got paid today.
- Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know what that's like.
- Davy: No. You don't understand. They laid me off. I got one of these.
- Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah, I know how that feels.
- Davy: Know what I'd like to do?
- Mikita's Manager, Glen: Yeah I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy who did it, rip his still beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face so he can see how black it is before he dies.
- Davy: Actually, I was thinking of filing a grievance with the union.
- Mikita's Manager, Glen: Well, the world's a twisted place.
- [Garth plays an astonishing drum solo in the music store]
- Guy: You are like... amazing... dude.
- Garth Algar: Thanks. I like to play.
- Garth Algar: Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.
- Wayne Campbell: Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp. You know what you can do with your pop quiz?
- Garth Algar: Well, you know what you can do with your show? You can take a flying...
- [a passing jet liner mutes out most of what he says]
- Garth Algar: ...till the handle breaks off and you have to get a doctor to pull it out again!
- Wayne Campbell: You kiss your mother with that mouth?
- Wayne Campbell: Tell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star?
- Cassandra: Yeah.
- Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase?
- Cassandra: Yeah.
- Wayne Campbell: Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?
- Cassandra: Yeah.
- Wayne Campbell: Okay, party. Bonus.
- Wayne Campbell: I mean, there are two Darrin Stevenses, right? Dick York and Dick Sargent. Yeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh hold on: Dick York, Dick Sargent, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.
- [Wayne Campbell is stopped by a traffic cop]
- Wayne Campbell: Yes, officer, is there a problem?
- T-1000: Have you seen this boy?
- Wayne Campbell: [after Ben orders Chinese food while speaking Cantonese] This guy is good.
- Benjamin: I picked up a little Cantonese while I was in the Orient. You know, you sound a lot like you're from Kowloon Bay as opposed to Hong Kong.
- Cassandra: I was born in Kowloon Bay!
- Benjamin: There you have it!
- Wayne Campbell: This guy is really good.
- Wayne Campbell: [next to a Cop] I smell bacon. Does anyone else smell bacon?
- Garth Algar: I definitely smell a pork product of some kind.
- Benjamin Kane: Russell's very excited you're coming down to the studio.
- Mrs. Vanderhoff: Oh, the studio. That's where the magic happens.
- Benjamin Kane: Oh, you've worked in television?
- Mrs. Vanderhoff: No, but I watch a lot of it.
- Benjamin Kane: Of course you do. You're creative.
- Noah Vanderhoff: She's the one who came up with the name "Noah's Arcade."
- Mrs. Vanderhoff: I just opened my mouth and out it came!
- [They all laugh]
- Benjamin Kane: You're a lucky man, Mr. Vanderhoff.
- Cassandra: I don't believe I've ever had French champagne before...
- Benjamin Kane: Oh, actually all champagne is French; it's named after the region. Otherwise it's sparkling white wine. Americans of course don't recognize the convention, so it becomes that thing of calling all of their sparkling white "champagne", even though by definition they're not.
- Wayne Campbell: Ah yes, it's a lot like "Star Trek: The Next Generation". In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.
- Garth Algar: Uh, Wayne?
- Wayne Campbell: Yeah?
- Garth Algar: Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's just using us?
- Wayne Campbell: Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.
- [after seeing Cassandra for the first time]
- Wayne Campbell: She will be mine. Oh, yes - she will be mine.
- Wayne Campbell: I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...
- Benjamin Kane: So Garth, what do you think so far?
- Garth Algar: [describing his feelings of the new set] It's like a new pair of underwear: At first, it's constrictive, but after awhile it becomes a part of you.
- [the Vanderhoffs give him an odd look]
- Wayne Campbell: Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago - excellent. I've had plenty of jo-jobs; nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of name tags and hairnets. Ok, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is bogus and sad. However, I do have a cable access show, and I still know how to party. But what I'd really like is to do Wayne's World for a living. It might happen. Yeah, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
- [enjoying a breathtaking view]
- Wayne Campbell: You know, Cassandra, from this height... you could really hock a loogie on someone.
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