- [as cartoon mice]
- Roy Knable: Boy, this is strange!
- Helen Knable: Strange? I'm an animated rodent wearing high-heel running shoes. The word "strange" is somehow lacking.
- [as a cartoon mouse, Roy is trapped in a donut while Robocat is shooting at him]
- Roy Knable: My doctor was right. Doughnuts will be the death of me.
- [Roy Knable is in a black-and-white detective movie]
- Roy Knable: [while Roy reads his card] Roy Knable, private dick. Well, better than being a public dick.
- Executioner: Any last requests?
- Roy Knable: Yeah, how about the long version of 'Stairway to Heaven'?
- Executioner: I'm afraid zat is not where you are going.
- [Helen and Roy Knable get sucked out of the HVTV dish and land in their backyard - the Knables' neighbor's dog is in their yard]
- Roy Knable: Whoever left the gate open is grounded for a week.
- [the dog runs toward the Knables and then get sucked into the HVTV dish]
- Roy Knable: Check that. Whoever left the gate open gets double their allowance.
- [Roy and Helen Knable, as cartoon mice, push a hair dryer towards a water-filled tub to electrocute Robocat]
- Helen Knable: [to viewers] Kids, don't try this at home.
- [Roy Knable is about to be executed by the guillotine]
- A male spectator: How come he dresses like a woman?
- Another male spectator: I do that sometimes.
- [Roy Knable, played by John Ritter, arrives on the set of Three's Company. The theme from Three's Company is being played, and Janet and Crissy open the door and enter the set]
- Three's Company Spoof, Three's Company Spoof: [together] Where have you been?
- Roy Knable: [looking towards the camera] Aaaaaahhhh!
- [Roy Knable, as a cartoon mouse, is about to leave the cartoon through a conduit]
- Roy Knable: [to viewers] Deeb-a-deeb-a-deeb - that's all folks.
- Helen Knable: Where's my husband?
- Murray Seidenbaum: What are you worried about him for? I ditched my wife five channels ago. She happened to meet the business end of a fifty-ton reptile. And I can tell you, I don't exactly miss dried meat loaf.
- [Roy Knable was freed from the guillotine, and Crowley was (still) missing one of his arms and one of his legs]
- Crowley: [to Helen and Roy Knable] We did it! We beat Spike! Oh, I would have given an arm and a leg to see this! In fact, I already did!
- At the beginning of the closing credits: / HVTV Fall Lineup / Beverly Hills 90666 / I Love Lucifer / The Golden Ghouls / Murder She Likes / Facts Of Life Support / Fresh Prince Of Darkness / Unmarried With Children / David Dukes Of Hazard
- [as cartoon mice, Helen threatens to leave Roy]
- Roy Knable: Where are you going to go, your cartoon mother's house?
- [Helen and Roy Knable, are cornered by one of the wolves]
- Roy Knable: Jump.
- Helen Knable: Jump?
- Roy Knable: Wherever it leads can't be any worse than this! Go!
- [Helen jumps into that conduit. Roy tries to jump there as well, but he doesn't fit through that hole. He makes that hole bigger, and wolves approach him. Roy finally falls through that conduit before the wolves could get him]
- Roy Knable: [falling] Yeow!
- [Roy lands in a cartoon, as a cartoon mouse]
- Roy Knable: Umph!
- Helen Knable: [also as a cartoon mouse] Couldn't be any worse, huh, Roy?
- Roy Knable: Helen? Oh, my god!
- [he looks at and holds up his tail]
- Roy Knable: We're cartoons.
- [Roy and Helen Knable are cartoon mice]
- Roy Knable: For a mouse, you, um, look pretty sexy.
- Helen Knable: Too bad you didn't like the way I looked when I was human.
- Roy Knable: I always did.
- Helen Knable: News to me.
- [the inside of a prison is shown on an HVTV channel]
- '30 Something to Life' Announcer: Coming this fall... Thirty-Something-To-Life.
- [the doorbell chimes]
- Robocat: Identify yourself.
- Voice from the door: Catnip-gram.
- TV Announcer: It's My Three Sons Of Bitches.
- [a boy finishes a can of Yogi Beer and then burps loudly]
- Yogi Beer boy: [to his mother] Give me another one, babe.
- His father: That's my boy.
- [Hooded men are about to carry Roy Knable to the guillotine]
- Roy Knable: Hi, fellas, I loved you in Star Wars.
- [At Knable Fencing Academy, Roy Knable and one of his students practice fencing with each other]
- Roy Knable: Who on earth taught you that?
- That student: Uh, I saw it on TV somewhere. Some old movie.
- Roy Knable: Take my advice, kiddo. Don't watch too much TV. It can get you into trouble.
- Spike: Wait a sec... you don't get it, do you? Without me, you don't get out of here.
- Roy Knable: Sorry, Spike, you're cancelled!
- Helen Knable: You sadistic bastard!
- Spike: Runs in the family! My father was an oil company president.
- Wrestling Referee: O.K. everything goes - maim, murder each other, I don't care, but keep it clean. Okay, go to your corners, and when the bell rings, kill or be killed.
- [Darryl Knable's cap and BMX bike get sucked into the HVTV dish]
- Diane Knable: What are you doing?
- Darryl Knable: Did you see that? That dish, it ate my BMX.
- Diane Knable: Is this some sort of male puberty thing?
- Crowley: Now, if you excuse me, I'm off to warmer megahertz. Gonna find a channel with sun, funny little drinks with those funny unbrellas, and maybe a dog track.
- Crowley: [Crowley checks to see if the wolves took off] All clear.
- [a wolf then jumps from the roop onto Crowley and a couple more stars biting him; Crowley yells and screams]
- Crowley: [Screaming] I'm already dead! Save her!
- Helen Knable: How can you even think of eating doughnuts at a time like this?
- Roy Knable: What should I do, look for some oat bran? I'm starved.
- TV Announcer: How did James Dean really die? Find out tonight on Autopsies Of The Rich And Famous.
- TV Announcer: Welcome to Northern Overexposure, the story of a young doctor from New York who comes to Alaska, complains about everything, and freezes to death.
- [in a cartoon]
- Roy Knable: [to Helen Knable] At least we're safe here. No one ever dies in cartoons, right?
- [Roy Knable, as a cartoon mouse, has an idea of handling Robocat]
- Roy Knable: This will put a permanent crease in his shorts.
- Diane Knable: [to Darryl] You're pizza topping!
- Darryl Knable: Wait. Mom and Dad are here.
- Diane Knable: They're home?
- Darryl Knable: Well, not exactly.
- [he points to the TV set]
- Darryl Knable: Look.
- [Roy Knable is on TV as a detective]
- Voice over on one of the HVTV channels: The next item we have for you on the Home Shoplifting Channel...
- [Spike arrives on the set of Off With His Head and notices that Crowley was missing one of his arms and one of his legs]
- Spike: Crowley. Quite a radical weight-loss plan you've been on.
- [Roy Knable is about to go back into HVTV to rescue Helen Knable]
- Roy Knable: [to Diane and Darryl Knable] Now I want you both to stay inside. You just make sure those doughnuts are ready. I'm going to be very hungry when I get back.
- [Darryl Knable transmits his voice through the HVTV dish to the set of Off With His Head]
- Darryl Knable: Dad, can you hear me?
- Roy Knable: Darryl? My God!
- One of the infidels: God?
- Helen Knable: Yes! It's... God!
- [Roy Knable arrives inside a castle]
- Spike: My, my. Now you'll never get back to Kansas.
- [Roy looks behind him and sees that his remote is shattered into pieces]
- Spike: [raising his sword] En garde.
- [Roy gets a wooden stick]
- Spike: Oh, no sword. Have to talk to that prop man.
- [breaks the stick]
- Spike: Right about now, your wife is probably catching that train... right between the eyes. And you let it happen.
- Darryl Knable: [hurling one of Roy's swords towards the HVTV dish] Here it comes, Dad!
- [the sword gets sucked in the dish]
- Spike: I've taken loads of souls... and none more pathetic than yours, Roy. Say good night, Gracie.
- Roy Knable: [catching his sword tossed by Darryl] Not yet.
- [he starts dueling with Spike]
- Roy Knable: You see, I was captain of my junior college fencing team. All right. Co-captain.
- [Helen Knable and Roy Knable, who in turn is holding a remote, are about to get hit by a train]
- Helen Knable: Roy, what do you do when you want the TV to go away? You turn it...
- Helen Knable, Roy Knable: [together] Off!
- Old Man #1: I've lost the feeling in my arm.
- Old Man #2: All of a sudden, I can't see anything.
- [they collapse]
- TV Announcer: Sundays at 8:00... Different Strokes.
- French Soldier: I would have given you chocolates.
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