- Annie: Mrs. Burbridge, would you come over here for a moment? Has it escaped your attention that these children have head-to-toe poison oak?
- Adele Burbridge: Well, no, I... well, yes, but...
- Annie: But what? My children are in need of medical assistance! And you can sit here and smugly lecture me on the importance of tests? Tests which exist to pigeonhole children's potential, a thing which cannot possibly be measured, least of all by anal-compulsive huns! And my husband may be a "large child," but that's none of your business! And my children may be rotten, but they're mine. And I think that they're bright, and sensitive, so I have no doubts whatsoever about their intelligence. I do, however, have serious doubts about yours!
- Annie: I don't belong here, I feel it. Don't you think I feel it? I can't do any of these vile things, and I wouldn't want to. Oh, my life is like death. My children are the spawn of hell, and you're the devil. Oh, God...
- Dean Proffitt: Baby, we like you.
- Andrew: [Andrew hands Joanna her earrings after they've drank tequila shots below decks with the crew] You best not lose these again, madam.
- Joanna: [perplexed] Again?
- Andrew: You will forgive me, madam.
- [clearly mocking her]
- Andrew: "Andrew! I seem to have lost my ruby earrings somewhere between 64th and 68th street, find them."
- Joanna: [geniunely contrite] I've behaved so badly. I don't know how you put up with me for so long.
- [Andrew raises his eyebrows]
- Joanna: You've done so many wonderful things for me and I've never even once said thank you.
- [beat]
- Joanna: I'm sorry.
- Andrew: [embarrassed] Apology accepted, ma'am.
- [he turns away and to the sink]
- Joanna: [following him] Everyone thinks I'm crazy around here. Do you think they're right?
- Andrew: [turning around to face her] Oh no, madam. Oh no. You... most of us go through life with blinders on, madam. Knowing only that one little station to which we were born. But now you, madam, on the other hand, had the... rare privilege of escaping your bonds for just a spell. To see life from an entirely new perspective. How you choose to use that information, madam... is entirely up to you.
- Dean Proffitt: They're making out their Christmas lists
- Annie: Oh, already?
- Travis Proffitt: How do you spell "Porsche"?
- Dean Proffitt: Well, they got me thinkin' though: what can I possibly give you ever that you don't already have?
- Annie: [long pause as she thinks] A little girl.
- Dean Proffitt: You know what your problem is? Huh? You're so goddamn bored, you gotta invent things to bitch about! You haven't got a single thing to do on this earth except for your hair! Yeah, your closet was fine, you just needed something to take up your useless, nail-polishing, toe-polishing, rich bitch, sun-tanning days!
- [From the engine room, the crew, who have heard all of this, start cheering]
- [Dean & Billy see Joanna's mugshot on TV]
- Dean Proffitt: That's her.
- Billy Pratt: Who?
- Dean Proffitt: THE BITCH!
- Billy Pratt: [Seeing Grant leaving the hospital on TV] I can't believe he's skipping out on her.
- Dean Proffitt: Of course he's skipping out on her, it's his shot at freedom.
- Billy Pratt: Maybe you should go down to the hospital and see if you can get some of your money back?
- Dean Proffitt: Look, he's gone.
- Billy Pratt: Not him, her.
- Dean Proffitt: She doesn't even know who she is, you think she's gonna know who I am?
- [Dean turns around to walk away only to turn right back when he thinks of an idea]
- Dean Proffitt: Billy, there is a God and he loves me!
- Billy Pratt: You're not gonna shave your head, are you?
- Dean Proffitt: No, I gotta go home and talk to my kids...
- Billy Pratt: [interrupts] Dean, don't do this.
- Dean Proffitt: ...and I want you to take them shopping at the Salvation Army!
- Billy Pratt: Dean, it's illegal... Dean you're crazy, you know that!
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: [on her yacht; she's about to call for caviar when Andrew brings it in] Well! I almost had to wait.
- [tastes it and makes a disgusted face]
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: What is this gelatinous muck? Andrew, when I tell you to pack staples, must I specify that you are to pack good caviar and not this $1.99 fish bait? Caviar should be round, and hard, and of adequate size, and should burst in your mouth at precisely the right moment.
- Dr. Norman Korman: Joanna, what motivated you to rise and get the serving tray?
- Annie: I thought you might be hungry.
- Dr. Norman Korman: That's excellent, excellent!
- Grant Stayton: What's excellent about it?
- Dr. Norman Korman: I was hungry.
- Joey Proffitt: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] Hi, Mom. My name's Joe.
- Annie: A falsetto child?
- Dean Proffitt: Nah. He thinks he's Pee-Wee Herman.
- Joey Proffitt: [in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] I love Pee-Wee Herman.
- [Pee-Wee's trademark laugh]
- Joey Proffitt: Are you gonna leave?
- [the other boys stare]
- Annie: No, I'm your mommy.
- Joey Proffitt: Sometimes moms leave.
- Annie: Well I suppose that's true, but I'm not going anywhere.
- Joey Proffitt: Good.
- [takes a necklace out of his overalls and hands it to her]
- Annie: Ooh! Is this a present for me?
- Joey Proffitt: Yes, I did it with macaroni.
- Annie: I love this, I'll always wear it.
- Annie: Tell me something about my life, Dean, something not horrible.
- Dean Proffitt: Well uh... yeah, there was that time you were working at Burger Boy, and this kid started choking on a French fry, and everybody in the place panicked, including me, except you, you knew exactly what to do. You ran over to the kid and you gave him that Heimlech, you know,
- [grunts]
- Dean Proffitt: and puh! The kid puked up the fry and they named you Burger Boy employee of the month. They put your picture above the cash register and everything.
- Joanna: Well, the entire civilized world knows that ALL closets are made of CEDAR.
- Dean Proffitt: [in a backwoods accent] Well up here in Elk Snout ma'am see we don't know 'bout them closets, nor bathrooms neither. Shit woman, you're lucky I am house broke.
- Grant Stayton: [to Annie] I suppose we're on our way back to the jungles of Oregon?
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: I want to go back, Grant.
- Grant Stayton: To him.
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Yes. I'm sorry.
- Grant Stayton: You haven't begun to be sorry, you hillbilly harlot!
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: These gnats keep landing on my wet nail polish. I guess I'm supposed to walk around with their little corpses stuck to my fingers, is that it?... It's easy for you to say. You don't have to sit out here in the brine with your perm frizzing to oblivion. I look like a bushman.
- Andrew: [who's been painting her toenails] ... I've finished, madam. Would you like me to put your jewelry back on you?
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: No, I'm still tacky.
- Annie: I just... ate a bug!
- Dean Proffitt: Keep your mouth closed, there's a lot of things flying around out here!
- Dean Proffitt: [sees his sons gathered in a group whispering excitedly] What's this?
- Annie: Travis found a girlfriend.
- Joey Proffitt: Hey, Trav, don't knock her up!
- Annie: [sarcastically] Very funny!
- Doctor at Hospital: [on TV] If any of you know the identity of this woman, please contact the hospital. I'll put up the reward myself... She's drivin' us crazy.
- Capt. Karl: What're you doing?
- Annie: I'm turning the boat around.
- Capt. Karl: Why?
- Annie: I'm going home.
- Capt. Karl: You're turning that wheel around too fast!
- [to Dr. Korman]
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Grant's having another nervous breakdown, he thinks he's God. Keep him busy.
- Dean Proffitt: I can't talk to you with you pulled away from me. Will you please get your head out of there and look at me?
- Annie: No.
- Dean Proffitt: Why?
- Annie: [turns over, covered in Calamie lotion] Because I'm so ugly, I got poison oak too.
- [cries]
- Dean Proffitt: Nobody cares what you look like, normally you look really pretty, you just don't now.
- Annie: [continue sobbing] I dont even have a wedding ring.
- Dean Proffitt: What?
- Annie: I lost my wedding ring in the sea.
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: I'm not a bitch.
- [pauses]
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Andrew! Are you going to bring me my lemon, or do I have to squeeze it from my hat?
- Dean Proffitt: Hey hey hey, guys, look who's home!
- Greg Proffitt: Hi Mom!
- Travis Proffitt: Hi Mom!
- Charlie Proffitt: [in a raspy voice] Hi Mom!
- Greg Proffitt: [pretending to cry] Gee Mom, we really missed you, we're so glad you're baaaaaack!
- [Dean sticks his hand out to tell the boys to stop the dramatics]
- Annie: They aren't mine...
- Dean Proffitt: Oh I was sure you'd remember them!
- Annie: I think I'd remember if I had 3 children...
- Dean Proffitt: Four, honey, don't forget little Joe!
- [Joe sticks his head out the window and waves; Annie faints after believing she had four sons with Dean]
- Grant Stayton: [brandishing a bow and arrow] Halt, you treasonous tramp. Conspiring with the enemy at sea is mutiny!
- Andrew: Pull.
- [kicks Grant overboard]
- Andrew: [to Grant] I am giving my notice, sir.
- Annie: You're not leaving me here alone tonight, the kids are sick.
- Dean Proffitt: Yeah and they've got Calamine lotion all over them. What do you want me to do?
- Annie: I want you to take on some of your grownup responsibility.
- Dean Proffitt: I earn the money, that's my grownup responsibility.
- Annie: Are you aware that Joey can't read? And Travis only reads smut magazines? I can't get him out of the bathroom.
- Dean Proffitt: Honey he's 13 years old! I'll build you another bathroom.
- Annie: They don't need another bathroom, they need guidance from you.
- Dean Proffitt: Hey hey hey, don't you worry about me and my boys, okay? We're pals.
- Annie: They have enough pals, they need a father.
- Dean Proffitt: You jumped my bones the first night we met!
- Annie: We did it on the first date?
- Dean Proffitt: Couldn't call it a date really, we just did it in the parking lot of the 7-Eleven
- Annie: I'm a slut
- Dean Proffitt: What did you say?
- Annie: Nothing
- Joanna: Captain Karl?
- Capt. Karl: Yes madam?
- Joanna: We've never really had time to talk.
- Capt. Karl: No, we haven't.
- Joanna: Well, there's no time now.
- Billy Pratt: Annie, those are my underwear.
- Annie: Yours?
- Billy Pratt: I don't mean I wear 'em or anything. They belong to a girlfriend of mine.
- Annie: But what about Gertie?
- Billy Pratt: I strayed. See, I got lucky with this phone sex girl and I found one that takes personal checks; my truck doesn't have a backseat so I borrowed yours. Dean doesn't want you to tell Gertie so he's covering for me.
- Dean Proffitt: [comes up to them] What's going on?
- Billy Pratt: I confess. The jig is up!
- Dean Proffitt: The jig IS up, Billy, I'm finally trying to tell her the truth.
- Billy Pratt: I just did. See, I didn't get the name Bad Billy Pratt for nothing. I'm sorry, Annie, I got horny, do you hate me?
- Annie: [smiles] No, no
- [hugs him]
- Annie: I'm glad you're Bad Billy Pratt!
- Joey Proffitt: [talking in Pee-Wee Herman's voice] I'm itchy and want to go home.
- Adele Burbridge: You may go stand in the corner until you can talk like a little boy!
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: [Grant has just arrived at the hospital; Joanna doesn't know he's right outside, behind a one-way mirror] You mean to tell me that I have no medical recourse...?
- Grant Stayton: Can she see us?
- Cop at Hospital: Not unless she's Superwoman.
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Well, what DO you know? Extend your brain a teensy little bit, if possible!
- Doctor at Hospital: You seem to be suffering from a temporary amnesia, either from the bump against the garbage scow, or the shock of the cold water.
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: How temporary is it?
- Doctor at Hospital: We don't know. Other than that, you seem to be in excellent physical shape.
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Listen to me, medical people. As of now, I have a life history of a dirty garbage scow and a breakfast of extremely runny eggs over-easy. Now, I refuse - REFUSE
- [angrily tosses a cup against the wall]
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: - to be incarcerated in this semi-private room -
- [turns to the only other patient in the room]
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: You snore! - while there are no efforts being made by anyone to try and locate...!
- Cop at Hospital: [lowers the outside speaker volume, then turns to Grant] Is that her?
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: I demand you do something! Do you hear me?
- Grant Stayton: [to the cop] Nooo, I never saw her before in my life.
- [leaves the hospital; later, back on the yacht]
- Grant Stayton: Mrs. Stayton has decided to leave me. Let's celebrate!
- Joanna: Thank you Dean! Thank you for bringing me here and making a wife, and a mother and WHY DID YOU DO THAT?
- Travis Proffitt: [Dean knocks on the boys' clubhouse door] Who is it?
- Dean Proffitt: Doctor Death, let's go!
- Travis Proffitt: We're gonna go get her!
- Dean Proffitt: Come on guys! Billy's friends are gonna help us!
- Andrew: Champagne for everyone.
- Joanna: Andrew, I'd like a beer.
- Edith Mintz: A beer?
- Joanna: [takes a swig from a bottle] Mmmmm, good stuff.
- Annie: Joey, don't, honey. Don't, don't get that near your eyes, sweetie. Look, I want you to read this; you see what it says? "Don't get near your eyes". Read on.
- [Joey looks at the bottle for a few seconds, then tosses it aside and goes to bed]
- Annie: What's this all about?
- Charlie Proffitt: He's embarrassed 'cause he doesn't know how to read.
- Annie: Well, he's a small child.
- Travis Proffitt: He can't read for a small child, either.
- Greg Proffitt: The teacher makes fun of him.
- [the officer at the hospital pulls out the photos and Joanna's panties from a parcel envelope]
- Cop at Hospital: Nice panties! J.S., she didn't know what that meant?
- Dean Proffitt: See she wouldn't, I bought them for her at a garage sale.
- Cop at Hospital: Yeah, I bought my wife a garter at a yard sale once too.
- Dean Proffitt: I'm sure you did.
- Annie: [seeing the counterfeit photos that supposedly depict her wedding to Dean, but which are actually just expertly "merged" images which combine her gloomy "amnesia-state" photos with Dean's deceased wife's wedding photos] It's my wedding day, why do I look so annoyed?
- Dean Proffitt: [thinking fast] Oh, well, your dad showed up shit-faced. He threw potato salad all over my mom. It was horrible, we had to throw him out.
- Dean Proffitt: [home from work] Hey guys, what's going on?
- Greg Proffitt: [stops playing piano] I got the part of Tiny Tim in the school play!
- Charlie Proffitt: [looks up from homework] I got an A in English!
- Travis Proffitt: [looks up from homework] I'm flunking math.
- Dean Proffitt: Yeah well we'll work on the math after dinner.
- Annie: [teaching Joey to read with comic books] You're just in time, Dr. Death's on the rampage.
- Travis Proffitt: [watching Charlie put superglue on the bottom of the plates] Are you sure this is gonna work?
- Charlie: My ideas always work. I'm gifted!
- Travis Proffitt: [laughing at the memory] I loved it when you glued Joey to the toilet seat.
- [Annie is looking for proof of her marriage to Dean and sees him in front of the closet wearing the same shirt and doing the same pose in their initial encounter which slowly triggers her memory]
- Annie: The closet... ..and you!
- Dean Proffitt: That's right. This is me and I'm standing in front of the closet
- Annie: Something's familiar.
- Dean Proffitt: Yeah, well... that's 'cause we used to do it in the closet.
- Annie: Oh stop with the sex stories.
- Dean Proffitt: Now you're getting grumpy and it's because you've been busy. I want you to stop everything, go in here, take a bath...
- [yells to his sons]
- Dean Proffitt: Hey, guys, get the turtle out of the bathtub!...
- [returns to his conversation with Annie]
- Dean Proffitt: ... and I'm gonna look for the pictures first thing in the morning, okay?
- Adele Burbridge: Is anyone at your home?
- Charlie Proffitt: Yeah, our mom is.
- Adele Burbridge: [dumbfounded] You have a mother now? Your father remarried?
- Travis Proffitt: Ummm... yeah, we got a new mother now.
- Adele Burbridge: Well, good. Then I'm calling both your parents!
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: [aboard her yacht, Joanna is on the phone] I know it will cost me, but it's the cutest little painting. I simply must have it. You'll do the bidding for me at the auction? $1,700,000.
- [gunshots]
- Joanna Stayton/Annie Proffitt: Grant, I'm on the phone!
- Grant Stayton: I can't hear you, Tea Rose! I'm shooting skeet!
- [goes back to firing]
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