- Palmer: The fellow whose job I'm taking, will he show me the ropes?
- Major Dalby: Maybe - if you're in touch with the spirit world.
- Palmer: I beg your pardon?
- Major Dalby: He was shot this morning.
- Raid Inspector: It looks as if all this has been laid on for nothing. That's not good enough.
- Major Dalby: According to Central Clearing House, this operation was timed to start at 2.25. You started at 2.35. *That*'s not good enough!
- Major Dalby: The next time you use CC1 authority, just you make sure you have it!
- Palmer: You know, it's funny... If Radcliffe had been here, I'd have been... a hero.
- Major Dalby: He wasn't. And you're not.
- Major Dalby: [at the armorers] Give him your gun. Issue him with a Colt .32.
- Murray: [hands Palmer a revolver] Do you know how to use this?
- Palmer: Colt .32? Yes. I'd sooner have my automatic...
- Major Dalby: [sternly] You'll use the Colt.
- Palmer: I'll use the Colt.
- Major Dalby: [of Palmer's dossier] It isn't usual to read a B107 to its subject, Palmer; but I'm gonna put you straight. "Insubordinate. Insolent. A trickster. Perhaps with criminal tendencies."
- Palmer: Yes, that's a pretty fair appraisal - sir.
- Major Dalby: Good. That last quality might be useful. But if I have any trouble with you, Palmer, I shall *bite* you, Palmer, and I shall bite you so hard you'll go right back to where Ross found you!
- [Palmer and Dalby are attending a performance of a military band playing Mozart]
- Palmer: Very neat. Must we sit through any more of this torture? I've got a lot of things to do.
- Major Dalby: I think they're playing very well.
- Palmer: Tell me who wins.
- [gets up and leaves]
- Colonel Ross: [after Palmer has shot Dalby] I was counting on you being an insubordinate bastard, Palmer.
- Palmer: You used me as a decoy. I might have been killed or driven stark raving mad.
- Colonel Ross: That's what you're paid for.
- [Palmer prepares to leave]
- Inspector Keightley: Now wait a minute. What about her telephone number?
- Palmer: Oh... Disconnected!
- Palmer: [Inside the modern grocery store] I haven't seen you here before, sir.
- Colonel Ross: No, well, I don't, um, really care for these American... shopping methods. One has to move with the times, I suppose, hmm?
- Colonel Ross: [telling Palmer about his upcoming transfer to Major Dalby's department] You won't have much time for cooking. Dalby *works* his men. And he doesn't have my sense of humor.
- Palmer: [Said with a straight face] Yes, sir. I will miss that, sir.
- Inspector Keightley: That little blonde bird you was with the other evening...
- Palmer: Rita?
- Inspector Keightley: That's it. What's her phone number?
- Palmer: You dirty old man!
- Inspector Keightley: Well, you scratch my back and I'll scratch hers.
- Palmer: You ought to be locked up!
- Inspector Keightley: I know.
- [Carswell is showing Palmer the title of a book]
- Palmer: [reads] "Induction of Psychoneuroses by Conditioned Reflex Under Stress". What does that mean?
- Carswell: It means I know now why 17 scientists ceased to function.
- Palmer: Yes?
- Carswell: Look again, boy...
- Carswell: [points out the essential letters of the title] I-P-C-R-E-S-S.
- Palmer: Ipcress!
- Palmer: [Reporting to Col. Ross's office] Sergeant Palmer, reporting as ordered.
- Colonel Ross: Close the door... And don't slouch into my office like a pregnant camel. Stand to attention.
- Colonel Ross: [Inside a modern grocery store, picking up a can of mushrooms out of Palmer's shopping cart] "Champignons"... You're paying ten pence more for a fancy French label. If you want mushrooms, you'd get better value on the next shelf.
- Palmer: It's not just the label. These *do* have a better flavor.
- Colonel Ross: Of course... You're quite the gourmet, aren't you?
- First Agent: [Palmer is late in arriving for his surveillance shift] You should get up in the morning. Twenty minutes late you are, you know.
- Palmer: Anything new?
- First Agent: It's all in the report. And it's neat and tidy - unlike some. You ought to remember you're still in the Army, boyo
- Palmer: I'll tell you what, you remember for me.
- Courtney: You were bailed out of detention barracks.
- Palmer: Yes, I was.
- Courtney: So, What bailed you in?
- Palmer: Er... I was stationed in Berlin and I was making rather a lot of money out of the German army, and they insisted that the British army made an example of me.
- Courtney: What did you do?
- Palmer: It's very complicated.
- Courtney: It impressed Ross.
- Palmer: It impressed me. Boy, has he got me by the short hairs for it. Still, it's better than two years in the nick. The food's terrible.
- Major Dalby: Spare us the jokes, Palmer, I don't have Colonel Ross's sense of humour.
- Palmer: Yes, I will miss that, sir.
- Major Dalby: And we still have to find Radcliffe, gentlemen. That means more legwork and fewer inspired hunches.
- Major Dalby: A word in your shell-like ear: If there's anything to be reported to Ross, *I* report it. Understand?
- Palmer: Yes, sir.
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