- Dino: Did you hear a story about the girl and the lobster?
- Orville J. Spooner: No, how's it go?
- Dino: Well, this girl was sittin' in a movie house and this guy sat down next to her, and they were sittin' in the dark, and they were watchin' the picture, see? And suddenly she felt somethin' crawling up her leg and
- [pinches Polly]
- Dino: pinched her!
- Polly the Pistol: [jumping] Ouch!
- Orville J. Spooner: Go on!
- Dino: Then she felt something crawling again and
- [pinches Polly]
- Dino: pinched her again! She said, "What is the idea, you pinching me?" And he said, "Well, it wasn't me...
- [laughing]
- Dino: it was my lobster!"
- Orville J. Spooner: [laughing] His lobster?
- Dino: He explained it. He said, "A friend of mine gave me a live lobster and I said, 'Gee, that's wonderful, I think I'll take it home for dinner!' He said, 'No, it already had dinner...
- [laughing]
- Dino: why don't you take it to a movie?'"
- Polly the Pistol: It's a nice place you got here.
- Orville J. Spooner: Oh, you'll like it... It's not very big but it's clean.
- Polly the Pistol: What is?
- Orville J. Spooner: What is what?
- Polly the Pistol: I don't know, you brought it up.
- Dino: There was the one about this doctor, you see? He was examining a girl's knee and he says, "What's a joint like this doing on a pretty girl like you?"
- Dino: [responding to an offer to buy the rights for a song] I need another Italian song like a giraffe needs a strep throat.
- Zelda Spooner: ...Bobby Darin or Elvis.
- Dino: Elvis who?
- Zelda Spooner: I suppose you have never heard of the Beatles either.
- Dino: Oh sure. And I can sing better than all three of them.
- Zelda Spooner: There are four of them!
- Dino: Oh, haven't you heard? One of them got his hair caught in his guitar and was electrocuted.
- Zelda Spooner: You can make jokes about them but they're young and they're popular, while you...
- Dino: What about me?
- Zelda Spooner: Let's face it, you are over the hill.
- Dino: You sure do know how to hurt a fellow.
- Dino: Now look lady, you may have heard a lot of singers but you ain't heard nothin' sung till you've heard me sung it.
- Orville J. Spooner: [reminiscing about his wife's dentist] "Tender gums". That's a hell of a thing to say to a married woman.
- Orville J. Spooner: You mean, you were discussing my sex life with another woman and laughing about it?
- Zelda Spooner: What sex life? So you chased her up the bell tower.
- Orville J. Spooner: It just so happens that she chased me.
- Zelda Spooner: What difference does it make? Nobody caught anybody. And anyway, I trust you.
- Orville J. Spooner: You trust me? That's a lousy thing to say about your husband. Don't you think I'm attractive to other women?
- Zelda Spooner: You're attractive to me. So come to bed.
- Dino: [cringing as the hired help passes by] Hey pal. Those gorgeous cocktail waitresses I heard so much about. Where are they?
- Bartender: This is it!
- Dino: You must be kidding. I've seen better navels on oranges.
- Bartender: Take that redhead over there. She was runner-up in Miss Nevada!
- Dino: What year?
- Dino: [stops at a road block] What's the matter? That Sinatra kid missing again?
- Nevada State Trooper: We had a bad pile up down the highway. You'll have to take the detour.
- Dino: Where's that lead to?
- Nevada State Trooper: Come out at Barstow, by way of Warm Springs, Paradise Valley, and Climax.
- Dino: Its the only way to go.
- Orville J. Spooner: It's today?
- Zelda Spooner: September 30th.
- Orville J. Spooner: I thought it was the 31st.
- Polly the Pistol: Are you sure you want to be alone with this guy?
- Polly the Pistol: Look, Mister, I got a job to do, and you're in the way.
- Dino: [on stage] My doctor saids, "Stop drinking." So, I'm not going to drink any more. I'm going to freeze it now and eat it like a popsicle.
- Dino: [points at Ovrille's piano] Is that the only action in this town?
- Orville J. Spooner: Oh, no. There's a bowling alley. Or, you can stand outside Pringle's hardware store and watch color television in the window.
- Dino: Hey, you're not reading me right, pal. What's with the broads around here?
- Orville J. Spooner: Broads? Oh, you mean action action.
- Dino: Yeah. It's a habit with me, like breathing.
- Orville J. Spooner: I should have known from the gossip columns.
- Dino: Well, it's not that I like to. You see, I have to because if I skip one night, I wake up the next morning with such a headache.
- Orville J. Spooner: Tell me, since we're both in the same racket, Tin Pan Alley, don't you think that rock 'n' roll is on the way out?
- Barney: Look what I got - all the Italian food they had at the market. Macaroni, parmigiana, frozen pizza, chianti.
- Orville J. Spooner: Forget it!
- Barney: That's what he likes. You're gonna give him an Italian dinner, play him our Italian song.
- Orville J. Spooner: Oh, no. He's gonna get into his Italian car and beat it!
- Barney: Well, what do you mean?
- Orville J. Spooner: I don't want him in the house. We got to get rid of him!
- Barney: After all the trouble we went to?
- Orville J. Spooner: You heard me.
- Barney: Why?
- Orville J. Spooner: Because he's a sex maniac.
- Barney: So what? That's his problem.
- Orville J. Spooner: But it's my wife! He's already after her. And what's worse, she's crazy about him, too.
- Barney: Oh. What's wrong with that? He likes her. She likes him. So while you're plugging the songs, she's sort of putting him in the mood.
- Orville J. Spooner: Why, you miserable - are you suggesting that I use my wife?
- Orville J. Spooner: All right, all right. So it's a great idea. But just tell me one thing if you're so clever, how do I get rid of my wife?
- Barney: That's the easiest part. Hit her.
- Orville J. Spooner: Hit her?
- Barney: Or start an argument or get her sore at you. Shove a grapefruit in her face. There's lots of ways.
- Orville J. Spooner: You want me to louse up my marriage?
- Barney: It's just for one night. So she cries a little. She goes home to her mother. And tomorrow morning you can explain the whole thing to her. You buy her a nice present. By that time, you can afford it, because we'll have sold all those songs.
- Orville J. Spooner: You mean for no reason at all - a grapefruit?
- Barney: Right in the kisser.
- Rosalie Schultz: I got the distinct impression that there's love for sale on the premises.
- Orville J. Spooner: "Love For Sale," Cole Porter - a million and a half copies.
- Dino: I think I'll catch a little shut-eye myself, so I can be nice and fresh.
- Orville J. Spooner: Fresh?
- Dino: I have a hunch this may turn out to be a big night.
- Orville J. Spooner: You're not going to weasel out of it. The truth is, you don't give a damn about me; because, if you did, you'd be jealous! You'd fight for me! It's the most primitive emotion there is. You take the Watusis. I read all about it in the "National Geographic" in Dr. Sheldrake's office. If a Watusi wife catches another woman with a Watusi husband, you know what she does? She buries her in sand up to her neck, and smears honey all over her head, and lets the red ants loose on her. But what do you do when Rosalie Schultz tries to steal your husband? You give her a piece of pistachio cake!
- Orville J. Spooner: You don't understand. It's not for me. It's for him.
- Polly the Pistol: Who's him?
- Orville J. Spooner: Back there. He's asleep.
- Polly the Pistol: What are we playing, musical chairs? Barney says it's not for him, it's for a friend of his. Now you say it's not for you, it's for a friend of yours.
- Orville J. Spooner: Oh, but he's not exactly a friend. It's more like a business promotion... and he likes action all the time. I got nothing against that, but not with Zelda.
- Polly the Pistol: Who's Zelda?
- Orville J. Spooner: You are!
- Polly the Pistol: Me?
- Orville J. Spooner: It's my wife, but tonight you're her - so you're Zelda.
- Polly the Pistol: What did I get myself into?
- Orville J. Spooner: Not in here. In the bedroom.
- Polly the Pistol: You name it.
- Orville J. Spooner: Don't mind me if I'm a little nervous; but, so much depends on this. I just hope we can swing it.
- Polly the Pistol: We'll do our best.
- Orville J. Spooner: Oh, you just wait till you find out who he is. You'll flip!
- Polly the Pistol: Huh. I will?
- Orville J. Spooner: Oh, boy.
- Polly the Pistol: So who can it be? Richard Burton?
- Orville J. Spooner: No, but you're getting warm.
- Orville J. Spooner: Domestic, domestic. We've got to make it look domestic. You sit here, and I'll sit here. No, that's not domestic enough. You knit, and I'll read.
- Polly the Pistol: I don't know how to knit.
- Orville J. Spooner: Well, then you read, and I'll knit.
- Orville J. Spooner: Cocktail time. What would you like? Martini? Old fashioned? Vodka on the rocks?
- Dino: No, thanks.
- Orville J. Spooner: Nothing to drink?
- Dino: Just a bowl of bourbon and some crackers.
- Orville J. Spooner: You should have a ring. Here, put this on.
- Polly the Pistol: You suppose there's a law against this?
- Orville J. Spooner: Against what?
- Polly the Pistol: Wearing a ring without a license.
- Polly the Pistol: I know that voice from someplace.
- Orville J. Spooner: Of course you do. He's a singer.
- Polly the Pistol: Who?
- Orville J. Spooner: Now don't flip.
- Polly the Pistol: Well, who is it?
- Orville J. Spooner: It's Dino.
- Polly the Pistol: Dino?
- Orville J. Spooner: That's right.
- Polly the Pistol: Hmm. I like Andy Williams better.
- Dino: You didn't have to go to all this trouble.
- Orville J. Spooner: What trouble? I'm very grateful. You see, this is our fifth wedding anniversary and I forgot to buy my wife a present; so, instead, she's getting you.
- Polly the Pistol: I suppose I've put on a few pounds.
- Dino: Well, don't you worry about it. As far as I'm concerned, there couldn't be enough of you, baby.
- Dino: How come he calls you Lamb Chop?
- Polly the Pistol: Maybe it's because I wear paper panties.
- Dino: Paper panties?
- Orville J. Spooner: Skol.
- Dino: What?
- Orville J. Spooner: Skol!
- Dino: Sure, it's cold. It's got ice in it.
- Orville J. Spooner: Funny! Funny!
- Dino: Well, drink up and be somebody.
- Orville J. Spooner: [singing] Listen to me, Sophia, Have you any idea, How much you mean to me-a? Every day more and more, You're sweeter than spumoni, Sweeter even than zabaglione, Say the word, sweet Sophia...
- Barney: Look, Zelda, there are certain things a man cannot ask his wife to do.
- Zelda Spooner: Like what? You mean, now she's gonna drink out of his shoe?
- Barney: Oh, she'll do anything. You see, she's getting twenty-five bucks.
- Zelda Spooner: Twenty-five bucks?
- Barney: It's an all-night job!
- Zelda Spooner: Well, if that doesn't kill him, I will!
- Orville J. Spooner: All right, Lamb Chop, refill the shoes and let's have a little more music. What would you like to hear now?
- Dino: "Taps."
- Orville J. Spooner: Would you be interested in a nice little waltz? "When it's Pussy Willow Time in Picardy."
- Dino: I don't think I could do it justice.
- Dino: Not a bad-looking dame, if you like home cooking. But, me, I like to eat out, you know, Chinese one night, a little French cuisine another, and a little delicatessen in between.
- Orville J. Spooner: He's got a hell of a nerve. Does he really think he can buy my wife for a song?
- Barney: What wife? What are you talking about? She's not your wife.
- Barney: Him and his Rat Pack, they think they own the earth riding around in their white chariots, raping and looting, and wearing cuffs on their sleeves.
- Barney: Orville, pull yourself together.
- Orville J. Spooner: To them, we're just a bunch of squares, straight men, civilians! Any time they want to move in, we're supposed to run up the white flag, hand over our homes and our wives and our liquor! Oh, no, you don't!
- Orville J. Spooner: Big Hollywood hotshot. You think you can walk in here and snap your fingers and I'll serve my wife to you on a silver platter - with an apple in her mouth!
Contribuer à cette page
Suggérer une modification ou ajouter du contenu manquant
Lacune principale
By what name was Embrasse-moi, idiot! (1964) officially released in Canada in English?
Répondre