“We need you…to kill the mayor,” the mysterious man said. 

Larry stood there for a moment. “Still?”

“Yes.”

“No,” and Larry started walking away.

“Wait!” The mysterious man called after him. “You’re making a big mistake! You don’t want to fuck with us, Larry!”

Larry didn’t care. He was tired and was not interested in commiting murder. Larry didn’t have the most robust morality, but he knew better not to murder. “Well,” he said to himself as he continued down the street, “guess I’ll be living on the streets.”

Soon after he said this, Larry proceeded to live on the streets. This wasn’t as easy as one might think. There weren’t too many places to sleep, for example. Bus stop benches, for example, were covered in small spikes. Each park bench had an advanced security system that only allowed you to sit if you had proof of employment or housing. If you didn’t have the necessary items in possession, there would be consequences. Larry wasn’t a fan of consequences. 

“Move it along,” a police officer said to Larry who was nodding-off in the gutter. Even gutters were off-limits. 

As Larry wandered the streets, forlorn and hopeless, his phone vibrated. It was the mayor’s office. He rolled his eyes. “Hello?”

“Larry,” Leanne said, “the mayor has requested your help.”

“Okay. Can I have some money for it?”

There was silence on the other line. “You know the most the mayor can give is gift cards.”

Larry sighed. “Fine. What is it?”

“Larry, as you may know, the homeless population has increased substantially. The mayor is asking if you can find the source and remove it once and for all.”

Larry looked around and noticed the tents alongside the road. “You want me to solve the homeless crisis?”

“Yes, if that isn’t too much of an ask.”

“Well,” Larry said, “maybe you can give people houses?”

More silence. “Larry, we have some intelligence indicating that drugs are the issue. We need you to stop the flow by any means necessary.”

“Okay…so how do I–” but before he could finish, his phone died. He placed it on his mechanical leg to charge and continued on his way, muttering to himself. 

Later that evening, Larry was mugged, because of course he was. “Gimme your leg!” Larry detached his leg and immediately toppled over. The mugger laughed and started beating him with his own leg. 

“Well, well, well…” Larry opened his eyes and saw the mysterious man standing over him. “See what happens when you don’t do what we ask?”

“You got someone to steal my leg?”

“What, someone stole your leg? Oh. That’s sick. No, we don’t operate that way. I’m just saying you’re poor-as-fuck now. See? You should have done the job. But oh well, that opportunity is all dried-up for you.”

“The mayor is dead?”

“…No. But, we’ll have someone else do it. Eventually.”

“Okay…” Silence. “Can you help me up?”

“No. Sorry, I would, but I’m a germaphobe. Anyway, I have to go. Toodles.” And with that the mysterious man disappeared. Larry sighed and just laid there. Soon, his mind plunged into sleep. 

–

Suddenly, it was morning, and Larry was no longer on the streets. He appeared to be in a room. A nice, cozy bedroom. Larry looked around. His mechanical leg was back…wait, it was actually a nice, newer-looking leg. “Wait,” he then pulled up his shirt for any scars or stitches. But no, it seemed like his organs were not yet removed. 

Before he got up, he waited. He heard some voices and some movement coming from some other part of this place. He looked out the window. This was a house in the suburbs. Finally, he decided to get up and open the door. 

As he shuffled down the hall, he could hear movement coming from the kitchen. Is this a dream? A hallucination? He peeked into the kitchen. He saw a woman cooking some eggs. The odor entranced Larry. He watched as the woman served the eggs to a man sitting in a breakfast nook. “Why thank you, dear. Oh, look who finally decided to join us,” the man said with a warm smile.

“Oh,” the woman said. “Hello there! Don’t be shy. Have a seat. I bet you’re starving!”

But Larry didn’t move. Finally, he said. “I’m just going to go.”

“Oh come on now,” the man said. “I can’t eat all these eggs myself. How’s your leg by the way?”

“Um, good. Thanks…thanks for that. But…I’m sorry, this is kind of creepy. And there’s some sort of catch, right?”

The man chuckled as the woman fixed another plate just for Larry. “Come, sit. After all, we need to discuss your debt.”

Larry sighed. (He does a lot of sighing, doesn’t he?) Larry sat down and stared at his eggs. They looked amazing, but he dared not eat. “You know, I didn’t ask you to help me.”

“No, no you didn’t. But, we all know about you, Larry. You’re something of a legend in this town, and we can use that. We can use your abilities.”

“…’We’?” 

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry. My manners, my manners. I am Kenneth Weddleston, and this here is my wife and soul-partner, Meredith. And we run a nice, small, mom ‘n’ pop drug dealing business.” He smiled as he stabbed his fork and took another bite of egg. “Mmm. Meredith, these might be your best eggs, yet?”

“Thank you. I added nutmeg this time,” Meredith said as she scrubbed the pan. 

“Oh!”

“So…what does this have to do with me,” Larry asked.”

“Oh, right. Yes. Well, you need to pay us for the leg, and the eggs. And I imagine you’re strapped for cash, so maybe we can make a deal.”

“Let me guess, you want me to kill the mayor?” Larry looked and Kenneth’s expression change. Kenneth glared at him. “Seriously?”

“How did you know?”

“Um…I’m just going to go.” Larry stood up, but before he could get very far–

“You’re going nowhere,” Kenneth barked. Meredith pulled out a handgun from the sink and aimed it at Larry. Larry froze.

“Now,” Kenneth rose up, gripping his fork. “You’re going to tell us how you know about our plot to assassinate the mayor?”

Larry’s mind spun wildly as he tried searching for an answer. “I…there was a mysterious man who wanted me to kill the mayor, but I refused so I just made a joke…I honestly didn’t know you guys wanted to as well!”

Kenneth moved between Larry and Meredith. Kenneth’s cold eyes burned through Larry’s skull. “The mayor hired you to come after us, didn’t he?”

Larry started to sweat. “Um…yes?” Yes? Why did he say ‘yes’? Is he stupid? Oh shit, is Larry going to die?

Kenneth smirked. “I appreciate the honesty. There’s very little of that in the world. You see, the war on drugs…” And then he went on this whole monologue about how the police profit off the war on drugs and how the media stereotypes the participants in the drug trade. He also went on about how white collar criminals are rarely punished, yet cause more carnage than any random drug dealer. All good points, but by the end of it, Larry didn’t really care. In fact, he wanted to die. 

“So…” finally, Kenneth said, “that leads to you. You’re just another pawn. But too bad, not all pawns can be queens. Or rooks. Or bishops. Or horsies. Meredith, take out the tra–Meredith?” He looked back, but Meredith had nodded-off. “Meredith!”

Larry rushed away from the breakfast nook, through the living room and out the front door.

– 

Meanwhile, the mayor was sitting in his office, nursing another hangover. Leanne walked in. “Sir, the Weddlestons are on the phone for you.”

“The Weddlestons?”

“They’re heads of one of the local HOAs and pull in a lot of money for the town. And they don’t seem too pleased.”

“Great. Just great!” The mayor slammed his fists on his desk. “Ow!” And then his headache acted-up. “Ow! I will handle it. Thank you. Oh, and did you get a hold of Larry? Was he able to find the source of all these goddamn drugs that are killing God’s beautiful children?”

“Um, I haven’t gotten an update yet.”

The mayor sighed. “Great. Ok, thank you.” Leanne left and the mayor answered the phone. “This is the mayor,” he said with his patented smile. “Uh-huh. Uh-huh….well, I’m not sure if there are that many homeless people. In fact, I haven’t seen any at all. They might be cosplayers…Uh-huh…Really? Well, we can’t have that. I will send our very best to exterminate the problem. Thank you for your concern. And–oh, okay. Bye then. Geez. Just hang up on me–oh, you’re still there…Well, goodnight.” The mayor placed the phone back on the receiver. “Well, goddamn it.” 

Leanne came back in. “What is it?”

“The Weddlestons were just robbed by a homeless man…Larry…”

“Really?”

“Yep. Looks like Larry is officially part of the problem. You should have never trusted him.”

“Me? I mean, sorry, sir.”

“Damn straight you are. Now you’re going to have to fix this or I’m docking your pay. Get our best guy to the suburbs and eliminate the situation. Or the 2nd-best guy. Whatever’s cheapest. Also, we can’t offer any financial compensation so he, or she, is going to have to accept those expired Best Buy gift cards. You got it?”

Leanne nodded sadly. She went back to her desk and started scrolling through Shad-E, the newest app that allows you to hire freelance hitmen and soldiers of fortune in your app. Just download the app to your phone and build your profile in under 5 minutes!

Meanwhile, Larry was attempting to escape the suburbs, but it was difficult evading the police and overzealous suburbanites. Everywhere he turned, there was either a cop car, or a mean lady with too many dogs. “Hey! You’re not supposed to be here,” while filming with their phones. 

Larry wandered helplessly among the suburban homes. But then, a car suddenly rolled up behind him. Larry’s heart sank and he started running. “Larry?” Larry stopped and turned around. “How come you haven’t been answering my calls?” It was the nurse Larry met back in Episode 3. (I think that was the episode, but I’m too lazy to check.)

“Oh, um…hello.”

“So, why haven’t you been answering my calls?”

“Uh…my phone was stolen.”

“Oh. Shit, I’m sorry. Do you need a ride?”

Shannon (the nurse) drove-off with Larry. 

“So, how long have you been homeless,” Shannon asked. 

“Oh, um, how can you tell I’m homeless?”

“Nurse’s intuition. But, it’s alright. There’s a little bit of space at my place. See that, I just rhymed. Remember when we were both in the poetry club back in high school?”

Larry is certain he was never in a poetry club. He’s not even sure if their school had one. “Um…yes?”

Shannon giggled. “Good times. But you’re going to love our place. It’s a one-story, single-family residential with 2 bathrooms and some bedrooms. Also, a kitchen.” 

“Great,” Larry laughed nervously. There was something “off” about Shannon, Larry thought, but maybe he could stay at her place, at least until things cooled off.

As the car stopped at an intersection, a homeless person appeared out of nowhere and tapped on Larry’s window. 

“Don’t roll down the win–oh you’re already doing it. Great.”

Larry had already started rolling down the window. It was in his nature to do whatever people asked him without thought. The homeless man smiled and smelled like garlic. Not too bad. “Need a car wash,” the man asked.

“No, no thank you. We can do that at home,” Shannon said. 

“Say,” the homeless man said, “are you Larry?”

Larry was befuddled. “Yes,” he answered, again without thought. That’s when the homeless man pulled out his gun. Shannon slammed on the gas and the car ran the red. The homeless man clutched the edge of the window and started crawling inside the car with his gun. “The mayor sends his regards.” Larry wildly whipped his arms about. “Hey! Stop doing tha–” the gun went off and a fluid spurted out of Larry’s new leg. “Oh fuck,” the homeless man screamed as the fluid lept on his face, “my face! My beautiful face!” That’s when the car smacked into a pole. The homeless man fell out of the window and rolled around on the ground, holding his now desecrated face. “Larry,” Shannon said, staring at her shattered windshield. “I don’t think this is going to work.” 

–

“Sir?” Leanne slowly approached the mayor’s desk. The mayor sat silently, eating some grapes; his mind was elsewhere. “Um…”

“Please, let it be good news.”

“Our best–er, 2nd best guy is suing us.”

“What? What for?”

“He’s experienced some serious facial injuries. He says the work conditions did not provide adequate protections.”

“What? He’s a hitman! And he’s a freelancer! He has no rights!”

“Yes sir.”

“What’s the status of Larry?”

“He was last seen leaving the scene of a car accident.”

“Hm. Well, maybe we can lie to the HOA and tell them the situation’s been dealt with.”

Leanne sighed. “Very good sir.”

“Thank you.” 

“You’re…welcome.” Leanne stepped out of the office and called up the Weddlestons, letting them know of “ the good news.” As she drove him, passing by the tents of the homeless, she wondered what 12 year-old Leanne would think of her. She had so many hopes and dreams; she wanted to change the world. But, instead, the world changed her. She didn’t like to admit it, but it was now quite clear to her that she was actively making the world worse. She then thought about all the people who did little things to make the world worse; they aren’t bad people but they need the work. It’s as if the world entrapped them, forcing them to feed a system that they all knew was leading towards destruction. The thought quickly evaporated when she pulled up home, yet its residue clung to the back corridors of her mind. 

Meanwhile, Larry was defecating in a bag in an alleyway. He stared up at the moon and now understood why people wanted to go to space. He finished up and dropped the bag into a dumpster. A figure emerged from the dumpster. “Oh come on now!”

“Sorry, didn’t know someone was in there.”

“It’s alright. Say, you’re not that Larry fella, are you? Hard to see this time of day.”

“Er…” Larry tried to think but he knew his pause was already confirmation.

“Yeah, you’re Larry. You’re Larry. You know, there’s a bounty on you?”

“Oh…Ok…that’s good to know…” Larry started backing away from the shadowy figure standing in the dumpster. 

“Where are you going?”

“Nowhere. Just, off somewhere.”

“Can I come?”

“Oh–” But before he could answer, the figure was already stepping out of the dumpster and slowly approached. 

“Look, it’s quite clear you’re new to this; maybe I can help, I’m a six-month veteran.” 

“No thanks,” and Larry tried to limp away, but it was difficult with his now defective leg which still dribbled fluid. However, his leg started to collapse and Larry fell. Larry’s been falling a lot it seems. The figure stood over him and Larry could feel something akin to a smile forming its shadowy face. 

---

Hey look, another episode! It only took me a year and a half! If you’re lost, you can check out the previous episodes.