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Just Who Is Ed Witten? (And Is He Really The World’s Smartest Person?)

Ed Witten (Image source: Joachim Herz Foundation)

Who Is Ed Witten?

The Early Life of Witten

Witten The University Student

Witten’s Career

Witten Today

Quotes About Witten

Ed Witten has been described by various publications as ‘a genius’s genius’, ‘the Einstein of his time’, and even ‘the Darth Vader of physics’. Time magazine ventured as far as to call him “the most brilliant physicist in the world. Perhaps the most brilliant physicist who has ever lived.” Online lists perennially herald him as ‘the smartest person alive’. Some in the physics community view Witten as the proverbial ‘chosen one’, destined to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity into a so called ‘theory of everything’, while others paint him as an anti-hero who has misled a generation of physicists down the vapid rabbit hole of string theory. This article will explore the extraordinary life of the fascinating and complex figure that is Ed Witten.

Who Is Ed Witten?

Witten is a tall, angular man, who despite being in his seventies, still has an air of teenage awkwardness about him. His prominent jawline looks chiselled from granite, as it carries a persistent five-o’clock shadow. His silver-white hair is wild, yet ordered, receding back from a high brow. Behind unassuming glasses, his hazel-eyed gaze doesn’t just peer at you, but through you, as if he were sifting through unseen dimensions. He is every bit the quintessential-looking professor, preoccupied with abstract thoughts.

Witten has a gentle, yet fast-paced, alto voice. His words are economical and flawless, like he is reading from an autocue. He has an idiosyncratic speech pattern. He talks in bursts. Then after every dozen or so words pauses. Almost as if he were giving the listener a chance to catch up with his fast-paced mind.

At Witten’s core lies a remarkable gentleness, matched only by an equally endearing humility. Yet, behind this modest demeanor is arguably the greatest scientific mind of our time. Witten is a theoretical physicist, and not just a run-of-the-mill one (if you can ever call a theoretical physicist such a thing). He currently serves as the professor emeritus at the Institute for Advanced Study, Princeton. While Witten hasn’t quite reached the household name stardom of physicists like Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, or Galileo Galilei, he is highly respected within the physics community. He is most famous for his pioneering work on string theory that attempts to explain the very nature of reality itself.

For the uninitiated, string theory strives to resolve a gaping, supernova-sized gap in physics where quantum mechanics and general relativity clash. Now, quantum mechanics accurately describes the delightfully quirky behaviour of particles, such as atoms and molecules, on the smallest of scales, while Einstein’s theory of relativity succinctly describes the behaviour of objects, such as majestic galaxies and stars, on the largest of scales. However, these theories have a fatal flaw—failing to describe extreme conditions, such as those present during the early Universe or inside black holes. Stop press: a new theory of the Universe is required. This new theory would merge the frameworks of both quantum mechanics and general relativity into a theory called quantum gravity. The leading candidate for quantum gravity is, in many physicists’ opinion, string theory.

String theory fundamentally uproots our entire notion of reality, creating an absurd Escheresque world where nothing is as it seems. According to string theory, our Universe doesn’t consist of point-like elementary particles but rather incomprehensibly tiny pieces of string that wriggle about in ten or eleven dimensions. These dimensions are supposedly curled up on such an incredibly small scale that we don’t perceive them directly. The way these pieces of string vibrate corresponds to the different particles.


The Early Life of Witten

Edward Witten entered the world on 26 August 1951, in the charm city of Baltimore, Maryland. He is the son of Lorraine Witten, a high school teacher who majored in biology at university, and Louis Witten, an esteemed theoretical physicist in his own right, who specialised in gravitation and general relativity.

Having a prominent theoretical physicist father, it’s very tempting to gloss over the first two decades of Ed Witten’s life and assume that his path to theoretical physics prominence was proverbially written in the stars. Yet, Witten’s trajectory into the realm of physics was anything but direct. He adopted new hobbies like they were going out of fashion and flippantly dropped interests in a heartbeat. In fact, Witten actively avoided physics in his late teen era. It was almost like a form of teenage rebellion, as if he and physics were two identically polarised magnets, intent on steering clear of each other during these awkward years.

Witten’s earliest brush with science occurred at the tender age of four. His gravitational physicist father Louis explains, “I would talk to Ed about science the way I would talk with adults.” From ages six through ten, Witten became utterly spellbound by astronomy. This obsession was fuelled by the excitement and uncertainty of the dawn of the space race. Upon turning ten, Witten was gifted a three-inch-reflector telescope, which he used to marvel at various astronomical delights; his favourite being the rings of Saturn. Witten’s preoccupation with the starry heavens above inspired him to strive to become an astronomer. However, he feared that by the time he was an adult, such a profession would require him to live in space—something that sounded far too dangerous for the young and timid Witten.

At the age of ten, under the guidance of his close aunt, Ethel Klavens, Witten learnt the card game bridge. Merely weeks later, he embarked on a voyage to Israel to visit his family. On this journey, he won the ship’s bridge tournament. This was an extraordinary feat, as although bridge is a relatively simple game to learn, mastering its strategic and bidding elements requires significant time and effort. Like chess, proficiency is not achieved instantly.

Upon turning eleven, Witten’s father presented him with an assortment of advanced maths books, thereby introducing him to the imposing world of calculus—a field typically reserved for those in their late teens. As is the case with everything Witten does, he became positively engrossed by the topic. Witten’s parents, perhaps not expecting him to become so fixated, eventually decided to wean him off calculus. They were reluctant to immerse him into too complex maths too soon—a common conundrum for the parents of child prodigies. When looking back on this decision, Witten remains uncertain whether his parents’ choice was the right one. Regardless, Witten’s brief dalliance with advanced maths meant that the maths he would be exposed to for much of his formal secondary education would no longer be novel or challenging. As a result, his interest in the field stagnated. 

At the age of 12, Witten engaged in a spate of writing long, drawn out letters to the Baltimore Sun Newspaper. The recurring theme of these letters was his opposition to the Vietnam War. The Baltimore Sun published a large number of Witten’s musings, seemingly unaware of his young age.

While Witten’s precociousness outside of school was nothing short of remarkable, his performance within its walls better foreshadowed his future as an intellectual titan.

Witten skipped grades at school with the effortlessness of a stone skipping across water and was always well ahead of his teachers intellectually. Witten’s aunt, Ethel Klavens, has explained “The public schools didn’t know what to do with him. They skipped him from the fifth to the seventh grade.” Witten jumped from school to school in northern Baltimore, from Baltimore Hebrew School to Wellwood Elementary School to Sudbrook Junior High, and finally to Park School—where he would remain for the rest of his secondary education.

Witten arrived at Park School as a stereotypical bookish student. He was gangly, sported dark, thick-rimmed glasses and was both physically and socially awkward. Furthermore, he was one of those students who seemed to always be constantly sniffling, carrying a different allergy for each day of the week.

Witten’s arrival at Park School was a pivotal point in his origin story. Being younger, smarter, and seemingly more awkward than everyone else, he could have been an easy target for bullies. In one of the parallel universes predicted by string theory, Witten gets tormented by bullies, deflated of self-confidence, and never embarks on an academic career. However, in a major victory for this Universe (and physics itself), this didn’t happen. Rather than being ostracised at Park, Witten was accepted by his fellow students and lauded for his intellectual prowess.

Witten’s fellow student, Richard Kravitz, who went on to become a psychiatrist at the Yale School of Medicine, recalls Witten’s time at Park, “He was two years younger than anyone else and at least 2,000 years smarter than anybody else.”

This sentiment is echoed by one of Witten’s closest friends at the school, Peter Baida, “I suppose it’s common that kids in any high school sit around talking about who the smartest person in the class is. But we used to sit around—when Edward wasn’t there—and talk about how he was the smartest person in the world.”

Park School rejigged its regular curriculum to cater for Witten’s intellect. This included hiring a professor from the local Johns Hopkins University to teach him maths. Although Witten nonchalantly excelled in maths and physics, he was a well-rounded student that was equally competent in virtually every subject he tried his hand at, including history, current world affairs, literature, writing, and politics. The history teacher at Park, Brooks Larkin, recalls her time teaching Witten, “When he warmed up to a political subject, he could totally dominate a conversation in my class. I would say he has a very strong personality behind a quiet exterior.”

As is the case with many academic wunderkinds, Witten’s lone Achilles heel at school was physical education. The school’s baseball coach, Kenneth Greif, had some harsh advice for Witten, “I advised him not to concentrate on baseball. Because I was the baseball coach too, and I was concerned. He wasn’t the best athlete….So I put him way in the outfield. I didn’t want the ball to hit him in the head.”

Despite being athletically challenged, Witten was more motivated than any other student to be on the team and excel. Witten’s aunt, Ethel Klavens, explains “He always wanted to be on the team and he was always the last one to be picked.” I mention this brief anecdote, not as it pertains to Witten’s sporting ability but rather as it pertains to his determination. The hallmark of a great thinker is one who stubbornly refuses to let adversity and difficult problems defeat them. Witten possesses this trait by the bucket load.  

Despite undertaking an unorthodox schooling regimen, Witten was spoken of extremely highly by his teachers and fellow students alike. Sure, he was naturally a genius. But more importantly, he is remembered for being moral, kind, humble, and teeming with integrity. Witten was well set for his next phase in life—university.


Witten The University Student

Being a polymath, it’s understandable that Witten didn’t find his single academic niche straight out of high school. Having said this, I don’t think Witten, nor anyone close to him, could have predicted the university course merry-go-round that would ensue.

Witten commenced his tertiary education at Brandeis College, Boston, with a Bachelor of Arts degree, majoring in history and minoring in linguistics. Curiously, Witten specifically chose to major in history despite the fact that linguistics was his favourite subject at the time. When a senior Witten was asked why he chose to pursue history, he responded, “Well, sometimes the choices made by young people are inscrutable.” Unsurprisingly, Witten remained unchallenged by his undergraduate course; however, he dutifully plodded through it with the goal of becoming a political journalist. While at Brandeis, a principled Witten wrote several articles for political journals, including the Nation and the New Republic. In the autumn of 1971, Witten graduated from Brandeis as a history major.

Fresh from becoming a history graduate, Witten re-evaluated his life’s goals and decided to go all in on economics. He viewed economics as a subject that directly engaged with the human condition and contemporary struggles. He enrolled at the University of Michigan as a graduate student; however, after a lacklustre one semester, he dropped out.

Being a person with strong morals, and a passion for fighting against injustice, Witten focused his attention back onto politics. Rather than reverting to his political journalism aspirations, he pivoted to a more grassroots level—helping Senator George McGovern in his 1972 run for US president. Witten was particularly enamoured with McGovern’s anti-war platform.

Witten spent six months working as a low-level aide to McGovern. Due to Witten’s subordinate status in the political pecking order, it’s highly unlikely that he and McGovern interacted in any meaningful way during this period. Several decades after Witten’s stint as a political aide, McGovern was asked what it was like having the world’s smartest person working on his campaign. Unsurprisingly, McGovern didn’t remember Witten, yet he quipped, “Well, he was smart enough to back McGovern in ’72, and I judge everybody by that criteria.” Witten ultimately quit his brief dalliance with politics, citing the fact that politics demanded qualities that he did not have—primarily common sense.

One can only empathise with Witten at this stage of his life. He was clearly brilliant, yet unchallenged. The education system simply isn’t designed for those in the 0.000001% like Witten. History was out, linguistics was out, economics was out, and politics was now out too, so what next? He was running out of subjects to pursue. Witten’s friends and family grew increasingly concerned about his future—and whether he would flip indefinitely between new careers, like a puck being hit back and forth on a frictionless surface.  

It’s very easy to imagine a wide-eyed, quixotic, 21-year-old Witten striving to create a utilitarian difference in the world. However, possessing a political conscience and a deep knowledge of moral and political philosophy often isn’t enough to instigate a noticeable difference on a global scale. Indeed, there is a distinction between what a person emotionally yearns to do and what they intellectually should do to gain fulfilment. Perhaps Witten became disillusioned and realised this because at this point, something changed. Witten had the epiphany that maths and theoretical physics were the areas in which he was most supremely talented, and that he would therefore “only be satisfied with a career in those fields.”

Witten borrowed a collection of mathematical textbooks from his sister, who was a math’s student. Flipping through them, he knew he had found his calling. In 1973, Witten was accepted into the prestigious Princeton University to major in applied mathematics. However, after just six months, he did what everyone feared—he quit again. 

Witten remained at Princeton, applying to the university’s physics department, where he was accepted. Thankfully, for the sake of everyone’s sanity, this time he didn’t quit. Witten has explained why he was (eventually) drawn to physics, “I was about 21 years old when I made the decision between mathematics and theoretical physics, and I made this decision based on very limited knowledge about either field. My choice was theoretical physics, in large part because I was fascinated by the elementary particles.”

Now, one doesn’t just simply get accepted into physics at Princeton on a whim. Witten demonstrated extraordinary mathematical ability in his brief stint while studying maths at Princeton and drew the eyes of the right faculty members who pulled a few strings (not of the subatomic variety). Princeton allowed Witten to transfer into their Physics PhD program, despite the fact that he lacked a formal undergraduate physics background. Although rare, elite institutions like Princeton occasionally make exceptions for truly exceptional individuals who demonstrate undeniable talent and potential in a field, even without the standard prerequisites. Witten is perhaps the most famous example of this.

Witten explains, “Of course, I learnt as much as I could before I started graduate school in physics in September of 1973. But, nevertheless, the first year was very difficult work to catch up. By the end of the year I caught up, not in the sense that I knew everything, but in the sense that I knew as much as my fellow graduate students did.” Witten clearly had the ability to rapidly absorb new topics, almost like he was a computer downloading new subject material into his brain. Witten’s friend, Peter Baida, has emphasised this fact, “He was so smart he could devour whole fields in a short time.”

Witten has described that at the age of 21, he “learned general relativity in a very exciting period of about ten days from the book of Steven Weinberg.” The book that Witten references here is ‘Gravitation and Cosmology: Principles and Applications of the General Theory of Relativity’. This book is so dense that you could easily add just a few more complex equations to it and watch on as it collapsed into a black hole. It has the unique perspective of approaching general relativity from a particle physics viewpoint. In order to even pick up this book, one needs a solid background in classical mechanics, electromagnetism, special relativity, and quantum field theory, as well as strong muscles (it’s on the lean side of 700 pages). In essence, it’s aimed at PhD students and above. It’s remarkable that a 21-year-old, self-taught, newcomer to physics would think of reading such a book, let alone consume it in its entirety in just ten days.

During Witten’s early physics graduate years, he served as the teaching assistant and grader for Anthony Zee’s quantum field theory course. Zee had just embarked on a career as an assistant physics professor, and as he didn’t know any different, assumed that Witten was just your run-of-the-mill graduate student. Zee explains, “Ed produced lucidly written solutions to the homework problems I assigned, to the extent that the next year I went to the chairman to ask, ‘What is wrong with the TA (teaching assistant) I have this year? He is not half as good as the guy last year!’”

Witten commenced his physics PhD under the supervision of David Gross. At this time, Gross was arguably the greatest physicist in the world. He was fresh off discovering asymptotic freedom with his student, Frank Wilczek (roughly three decades later, Gross would receive the Nobel Prize in Physics for this discovery). Asymptotic freedom is the remarkably counterintuitive phenomenon that describes the fact that when quarks—the basic building blocks of matter—get closer together, the force between them actually decreases. 

It was serendipitous that Witten had such an eminent physicist as Gross serving as his supervisor. It’s easy to imagine the graduate student Witten quickly surpassing the knowledge of most physics supervisors. As it was, Witten soon caught up to Gross’s level. This is emphasised in this anecdote by ‘Max Raker’, “There are many stories you hear around Princeton about how frustrating Witten was to mentor. David (Gross) would come up with a problem that he thought would take anybody a few weeks to solve and require a ton of calculations, which a person sort of needs to go through to be educated as a theoretical physicist. Witten would instead come back in a day or 2 with a one page proof that required no calculations and was based on some deep symmetry or other hidden but mathematically sophisticated technique. You can talk to some professors who were at Princeton at the time and as a school it has produced its share of talent (including Terence Tao) but I don’t think the faculty has ever been blown away like they were with Witten. He must have had one of the quickest journeys from ‘I want to be a physicist’ to ‘I am the most important person in the field’ in history.”

In 1976, Witten completed his PhD titled ‘Some problems in the short distance analysis of gauge theories’. His PhD was about how the fundamental forces described by gauge theories—the mathematical frameworks for forces—behave at small distances or high energies. His PhD built upon the asymptotic freedom work that Gross had laid the foundation for. Despite weaving through disparate fields and beginning his physics tertiary education just three years prior, Witten received his physics PhD at the tender age of 25.

In 1977, Gross wrote what has now become a famous one line recommendation letter for Witten’s application to the Harvard School of Fellows. “He’s smarter than me and probably smarter than you, so accept him.” In a surprise to absolutely no one, Witten was accepted.


Witten’s Career

The Junior Fellow position at Harvard University’s Society of Fellows is one of the most prestigious early-career academic appointments in the world. Fewer than a dozen fellows are selected annually from a global pool exceeding one thousand. The society’s honour board reads like a who’s who of the intellectual elite. Fellows are provided with three years of salary, no formal duties, and generous academic resources to enable them to devote themselves full time to their voyage of discovery.

When Witten arrived at Harvard, he encountered the familiar face of Chiara Nappi. This amiable, outgoing Italian physicist had glowing skin, prominent circular-lensed glasses, and dark springy coils of hair just long enough to obscure her ears. The pair had first met in 1975, at a physics summer school in the French Alps. Their serendipitous reunion at Harvard quickly blossomed into a romance. Nappi and Witten would ultimately wed in 1979, and have their first child while at Harvard.

Throughout Witten’s stint as a Junior Fellow, he was determined to understand quark confinement: the enduring mystery of why quarks can never be found in isolation. For some reason, the strong force acts like a subatomic gatekeeper, trapping quarks and preventing them from ever escaping their group. In an attempt to comprehend this phenomenon, Witten ventured into the realm of abstract mathematics. He hoped that possessing a broader toolkit would give him the necessary advantage to tackle quark confinement and other problems in physics. Witten explains, “We gradually learned that answering some of these (physics) questions required mathematical techniques that we weren’t familiar with that gradually brought us closer to the interests of modern mathematicians.” Although quark confinement would ultimately become Witten’s white whale, his detour into abstract mathematics would prove to be extremely fruitful over the long term.

In 1980, Witten returned to Princeton, like a boomerang that somehow circles back to its point of origin. He was appointed as a fully-fledged professor at the age of 28—one of the youngest to be bestowed with that position. Witten had spent his entire life jumping from interest to interest, school to school, and course to course. He had now finally found his niche and would spend virtually his entire career in and around Princeton, with the stable figure of Chiara Nappi by his side, immersed head-deep in physics and maths.

Although Witten was content that he tessellated neatly into the Princeton academic landscape, the rest of the world didn’t realise this. Consequently, as whispers of Witten’s genius spread through physics circles, elite universities worldwide began fiercely competing for him. This was exemplified in 1981, when the Institut des Hautes Etudes Scientifiques—a South Parisian institute devoted to fundamental research in mathematics and theoretical physics—wrote to physicist Sidney Coleman seeking an appraisal of Witten. Coleman responded with the following letter.

“Dear Professor Kuiper: This is in response to your letter of September 1, requesting my evaluation of Edward Witten. I know Ed Witten well. He was for four years a member of our group and I have followed his work closely. I think he is clearly the best physicist to enter my field since Gerald ‘t Hooft. Ed’s work is extraordinary in its originality, is clarity, its depth of insight, and its quality. Rarely has anyone published so much that is so good so young. The only criticism I can make of his career to date is that the main body of his work is rather remote from experiment; there is no Witten effect to detect or Witten sum-rule to verify. However, I suspect there will be soon; Ed did some nice work on heavy neutrinos in grand unified theories last year, and I think he will periodically return to phenomenological topics. In addition to all these virtues, Ed is a marvellous lecturer and a very pleasant person, a joy to be with and to talk physics with. I believe that the preceding paragraphs satisfy your request. Now, let me give you a further opinion, which was not requested, but which I feel is relevant. The judgements I have expressed are not mine alone, but the near universal opinions of the high-energy theory community. Ed Witten is inundated in job offers. Bures is a very nice place, but you have about as much chance of getting Ed for your staff as you have of bringing Einstein back from the dead. I have written this letter because of my friendship with and respect for Jurg Frohlich but I have wasted my time writing it and you have wasted your time requesting it of me. If we wasted less time on such futile exercises, we might have a better chance of doing something of merit. With great sincerity, Sidney Coleman.”

Witten was renowned for juggling several different fiendishly complex problems simultaneously. At this stage of his life, one such problem pertained to a newly evolving theory called supersymmetry, which proposed that every known fundamental particle (like the electron or quark) has a hidden ‘super-partner’ particle (like the selectron or squark). Witten realised that supersymmetry was a big deal, as it had the potential to solve major problems in physics, like dark matter and the unification of nature’s forces. Witten became positively obsessed in understanding the nature of the vacuum state in supersymmetry. It was like that endlessly portrayed trope in movies in which the professor becomes fixated on a single problem to the neglect of everything else around them. In the summer of 1981, Witten was lounging about in a swimming pool in Aspen, Colorado when he had a wonderful eureka moment, reminiscent of Archimedes. He recalled a lecture on Morse theory that the Hungarian-American mathematician Raoul Bott had delivered two years earlier. Morse theory is a deeply abstract mathematical concept that helps one comprehend the shape of a space by studying the hills, valleys, and saddles of smooth functions defined on it. Witten ingeniously linked Morse theory to his problem in understanding the nature of the vacuum state in supersymmetry. In 1982, Witten formalised his thinking and published a paper titled ‘Supersymmetry and Morse Theory.’ This paper made global waves in the realms of both pure mathematics and theoretical physics. Witten describes this paper as “Perhaps my first paper that was really memorable and influential.”

While deeply immersed in supersymmetry, Witten was also grappling with the positive energy theorem in general relativity. At its essence, this problem raised the possibility that gravity could harbour negative energy, meaning that the Universe itself might be fundamentally unstable and prone to spontaneous collapse. In a stunningly simply and elegant proof, Witten showed that gravity itself, or anything creating gravity (like matter), always has a positive total mass-energy. Furthermore, he established that the only thing with zero mass-energy is completely empty, flat space. This breakthrough by Witten provided the much needed reassurance to physicists that the fabric of space-time is stitched with resilience.

Witten was renowned for his profound grasp of all branches of physics. He could engage an expert in their own niche field, and with just a few probing questions, completely overturn their foundational assumptions. Researchers who had dedicated years to a single topic often found their perspective transformed after a mere five-minute conversation with him.

During the early 1980s, string theory wasn’t being taken seriously by physicists. Sure, there were a handful of physicists doggedly pursuing it, yet the general topic itself was still considered fringe science. Witten himself foresaw two major flaws with string theory that made him reluctant to get too immersed in the field. Witten’s first criticism was that its framework was so vast that, even if it were a correct theory, it would still take at least 100 years to understand. Fast forward to 2025 and this prophetic assessment still rings true.

Witten’s second critique of string theory was more technical. He pointed out that the laws of nature are not mirror-symmetric: in other words, they distinguish between left-handed and right-handed spinning particles. String theory at the time fell at this hurdle—it couldn’t do this; it treated left and right spinning particles identically. This fatal flaw meant that it was impossible for string theory to describe our real universe. Witten explained this problem to the handful of researchers working on string theory, who nodded and listened intently. In the summer of 1984, two of these researchers, Michael Green and John Schwarz, made a breakthrough—they performed some mathematical wizardry known as anomaly cancellation and hey presto, resolved Witten’s criticism. This was a watershed moment where string theory went from ‘interesting but flawed’ to ‘holy cow, this might work!’ The Green and Schwarz breakthrough became known as the first string theory revolution. A sizeable portion of the physics community began to take string theory seriously. This included Witten—he was now all in on string theory.

The original string theory was deeply flawed. It predicted tachyons—particles that always travel faster than light, failed to include all the matter particles, and required space-time to have 26 dimensions. Various physicists chipped away at this framework to develop an updated model of string theory, aptly known as ‘superstring theory’. This new theory removed the tachyon problem, incorporated all the matter particles, and reduced the necessary number of dimensions down to 10—a vast improvement on the original 26.

Up until 1984, Witten was primarily known for his groundbreaking work on quantum field theory, supersymmetry, and supergravity. Yet the first string theory revolution redirected his focus. Building on Green and Schwarz’s work, Witten teamed up with Alvarez-Gaume and demonstrated that anomalies could only be cancelled in specific dimensions—like 10. This was precisely the number of dimensions in which superstring theory operated. Witten continued to cement himself on the frontline of string theory research. In fact, throughout 1984, he wrote a record 19 papers on string theory, singlehandedly transforming the superstring landscape.

In 1985, there was enormous buzz and anticipation when it was announced that Witten was going to give a lecture at the Institute for Advanced Study, Princeton. This wasn’t going to be your standard lecture of course material aimed at undergraduate students. Rather, it was a lecture to the world’s foremost physicists on Witten’s groundbreaking work on superstring theory. One of the top brass present was renowned mathematician and physicist Freeman Dyson, who was some 20 years Witten’s senior. Freeman recalls, “In the spring of 1985, Ed Witten, one of the most brilliant of young physicists at Princeton University, announced that he would give a talk. …it was clear that this talk would be an extraordinary occasion. …our seminar room was packed with people, some old and famous, some young, all eager with expectations. Witten spoke very fast for an hour and a half without stopping. It was a dazzling display of virtuosity. It was also, as Witten remarked quietly at the end, a new theory of the universe. …When Witten came to the end… The listeners sat silent. There were no questions. Not one of us was brave enough to stand up and reveal the depths of our ignorance. …I describe this scene because it gives a picture of what it means to explore the universe at the highest level of abstraction. Ed Witten is taking a big chance. He has moved so far into abstraction that few even of his friends know what he is talking about. …He did not invent superstrings. …Ed Witten’s role is to build superstrings into a mathematical structure which reflects to an impressive extent the observed structure of particles and fields in the universe. After they heard him speak, many members of his audience went back to their desks and did the homework they should have done before, reading his papers and learning his language. The next time he talks, we shall understand him better. Next time, we shall perhaps be brave enough to ask questions.”

Witten continued to balance his impressively broad range of research with teaching in Princeton’s physics department. It was here that Witten’s students bestowed upon him the affectionate moniker ‘the Martian’. This was due to his superhuman intellect and unique approach to maths and physics that appeared so advanced that it felt like he must be from another planet.

In 1987, Witten became a permanent faculty member at the Institute for Advanced Study (IAS). Although the IAS is technically a distinct entity from Princeton University, it’s better to think of both institutions as separate circles on a Venn diagram, with a generous overlapping section. Walking through the IAS’s picturesque 800 acre grounds is like taking a step out of the humdrum of regular society and onto a movie set, where every tree is artfully sculptured and each individual blade of grass is trimmed to millimetre-level precision. At the heart of this property rises Fuld Hall: an ornate, multi-storey building whose veneer resembles a checkerboard grid of brick and light. Just as religions have their various temples of worship, Fuld Hall is surely that for academia. Not only for its architecture but for the work that’s done within its quiet walls.

The IAS has been described as a “haven for the exceptionally gifted.” It’s dedicated to insulating researchers from the menial work of academia, allowing them to be fully immersed in their research. There have been 34 Nobel Laureates and 62 Fields Medallists affiliated with the prestigious institute. When you enter the grounds, you are quite literally walking in the footsteps of Albert Einstein, Kurt Godel, Robert Oppenheimer, and John von Neumann, just to name a few. The IAS hosts around 30 permanent faculty members, including Witten, and 200 visiting scholars. Witten has spoken glowingly about the IAS, “It’s a very nice atmosphere to work. There are very few responsibilities. All one has to do is one’s research… Both the senior faculty and the young researchers who spend a couple years there are among the best in the field usually, so there’s lots of stimulation.” Following Witten’s arrival at the IAS, the institute blossomed into the global epicentre for string theory research.

By the late 1980s, Witten had developed a strong working relationship with the British-Lebanese mathematician Michael Atiyah. One of the more notable problems that Atiyah presented to Witten related to the Jones polynomial—a mathematical tool invented by New Zealander Vaughan Jones to distinguish different types of knots. Atiyah was dissatisfied with the current explanations for the Jones polynomial because none of them provided a fully intrinsic explanation of the knot’s symmetry. In all cases, they involved breaking the knot down into simpler pieces, studying those pieces individually, and then reassembling the information. The fact that this process worked felt like hocus pocus to Atiyah. It lacked a direct, geometric, or natural explanation rooted in the knot’s whole structure.

In what can only be described as a dazzling leap of insight, Witten stepped back from the problem and thought of the knot as the path followed by a charged particle in a world of three dimensional space-time (two dimensions of space and one of time). This novel approach uprooted the standard perspective of viewing the knot in our own familiar world of four dimensional space-time. Witten’s approach yielded a natural explanation of the Jones polynomial. Witten describes his breakthrough here as “probably one of the things I’ve done that’s had the biggest impact in math and also a decent amount of impact in physics.”

In 1990, Witten became the first—and still only—physicist to be awarded the Fields Medal. This honour is often hailed as the mathematical equivalent of the Nobel Prize, yet in reality, it’s rarer still. Bestowed just once every four years to four mathematicians worldwide, its scarcity underlines its prestige. To frame Witten’s Fields Medal win in sporting terms, it’s like Michael Phelps, the most decorated swimmer in history, turning his attention to the track and winning the 100-metre sprint at the Olympics. Sure, maths and physics have overlapping elements—just like swimming and running—yet they are distinct fields when you reach their highest echelons.  

Witten was awarded the Fields Medal for his entire mathematical oeuvre, including his work on supersymmetry and Morse theory, elegant proof of the positive energy theorem in general relativity, and his natural explanation of the Jones polynomial. Michael Atiyah, a distinguished Fields Medallist in his own right, has described Witten’s foray into mathematics, “Although he is definitely a physicist (as his list of publications clearly shows) his command of mathematics is rivalled by few mathematicians, and his ability to interpret physical ideas in mathematical form is quite unique. Time and again he has surprised the mathematical community by his brilliant application of physical insight leading to new and deep mathematical theorems.”

In 1990, Cambridge University hosted an international conference titled ‘Cosmology and Particle Physics’. Those attending included Stephen Hawking, Steven Weinberg, and Alan Guth, as well as an assortment of other eminent cosmologists and particle physicists. At this conference, a poll was conducted asking the attendees who they believed was the smartest living physicist. The name that received the most votes—a Mr. Ed Witten. The physicist who received the second-most votes was Steven Weinberg: the author of the book on general relativity that Witten had digested in all but ten days as a 21-year-old newcomer to physics. It’s one thing for Joe Schmo to declare someone as smart. But for a gathering that may well have held the planet’s highest concentration of intellect to single out one physicist as supreme among them—that verdict carries profound weight.

In 1994, Witten returned to a problem that had been festering at the back of his mind for nigh on two decades: quark confinement. He teamed up with Israeli-American physicist Nathan Seiberg, and building on years of interim discoveries, produced the Seiberg-Witten theory. While this theory didn’t solve quark confinement in the real world directly, it provided a working proof of concept for how quark confinement could occur.

The Seiberg-Witten theory would ultimately have a profound and transformative impact across theoretical physics and mathematics, far exceeding its original goal of solely understanding quark confinement. This is emphasised in this quote by British mathematician Richard Borcherds, “He used some sort of weird, black magic from physics to come up with these new mathematical invariants of four manifolds that mathematicians hadn’t noticed and that wiped out a lot of hard mathematical problems. That paper on the Seiberg-Witten invariants—it was a huge advancement in mathematics and it was just a tiny, incidental spin-off from something else he was working on…He’s repeated it multiple times. He came up with other Witten invariants of three manifolds and he’s done Seiberg-Witten invariants for four manifolds. And he’s not even working in that area—he’s working on physics. And these are incidental minor spin-offs. Without trying, he’s wiping out these major problems in mathematics.”

During the mid-1990s, the novelty of string theory had started to wear off. The hopes that superstrings would produce a ‘theory of everything’ that would simply fall out of the sky into one lucky physicist’s lap hadn’t eventuated. There were now five different, yet consistent, versions of string theory. The vexing problem was that physicists didn’t know which of these five theories was correct. String theory had officially reached a stalemate. Enter Ed Witten.

It was announced that Witten would address the mystery of the five string theory variants at the University of Southern California string theory conference of ‘95. Witten was like a far-eastern oracle and the physics community his devout followers, waiting with bated breath on what Witten would declare. At the conference, Witten dropped a bombshell—there were not really five disparate variants of string theory, these five versions were actually different limiting cases of the one overarching theory known as M-theory.

In order for Witten to bring the five versions of string theory into a workable equation describing M-theory, he needed to perform some mathematical wizardry. This included adding an additional dimension for space, thereby increasing the total number of string theory dimensions to 11. M-theory incorporated a number of other delightful surprises. For example, the world of strings also supposedly contained objects that resembled surfaces known as membranes. With sufficient energy, these membranes could grow to vast sizes, approaching that of an entire universe. Witten speculated that our Universe could even be sitting on a membrane at this very moment.

As Witten left it undefined, there was fervent speculation on what the ‘M’ in M-theory could stand for. Various people have speculated that it may represent membrane, matrix, mystery, or magic. Some have even suggested, tongue in cheek, that the M could stand for an upside down ‘W’ representing the first letter of Witten’s surname—although it’s laughable that a forever humble Witten would indulge in such self-referential praise. Others have derided the theory, suggesting that the ‘M’ might stand for murky. Regardless of what the ‘M’ represents, Witten’s M-theory had kicked off the second superstring revolution. Consequently, for the next few years there was a period of rapid discovery in string theory.

In his seminal 1997 paper, Argentine physicist Juan Maldacena discovered the AdS/CFT correspondence, which provided a powerful ‘dictionary’ that revolutionised our understanding of quantum gravity, black holes, and fundamental physics. Piggybacking on Maldacena’s paper, Witten realised that he could now make headway in understanding his white whale of quark confinement. Witten managed to calculate the force between quarks in a simplified world with similar equations, enabling him to concretely understand this modified version of quark confinement.

From the turn of the millennium onwards, Witten made major breakthroughs in fields such as quantum gravity, topology, and gauge theory. However, Witten’s magnum opus—at least in the public eye—has continued to be string theory, where he has remained the world’s most prolific contributor in the field. Juan Maldacena has emphasised this point, “Most other people have made one or two such contributions. Ed has made 10 or 15.”  


Witten Today

Witten has now spent almost four decades stationed in the cushy confines of the Institute for Advanced Study. Within his IAS office, there is a collision of two worlds: the curated order of sentimentality against the dynamic chaos of intellect. The office walls display the precise geometry of his grandchildren’s paintings, while an attentive battalion of family photographs stands neatly marshalled facing his desk. However, if it wasn’t for the order of his family’s touch, one would easily think that an earthquake had struck the premises. His wooden bookcase is overburdened with dense theoretical texts, their spines jostling precariously this way and that. Witten’s desk—his office centrepiece—is flooded with a messy torrent of research papers enveloping his laptop and cascading onto the ground.

Physicist Brian Greene has shared a tale from an anonymous physicist who, for what was surely one humbling summer, had an adjoining wall with Witten’s office, “He describes the unsettling juxtaposition of laboriously struggling with complex string theory calculations at his desk, while hearing the incessant rhythmic patter of Witten’s keyboard, as paper after groundbreaking paper poured forth directly from mind to computer file.” Greene continues with this point, “It’s as if he was just sort of sitting there and the ideas were sufficiently formed that he didn’t even have to write anything out. He could go right from brain to finished paper. And my friend was like, you sit there and you’re like, what am I doing? Why am I in this field?” 

Witten’s thought process is unique. He never does calculations, except in his mind. When grappling with a difficult equation, he stares out the window and attempts to solve it in his head. For Witten, computers, pencils, and pieces of paper are needless, other than being a vehicle to deliver his inner machinations to the outside world. Even Witten realises that he is rare in this regard, “I have a tendency, more than most other physicists, to try to figure out everything all at once, before I publish. And even to try to figure out everything in my head, without pencil and paper.”

As of 2025, Witten has arguably the highest h-index of any living physicist, estimated at 190-200+. For context, the h-index is a metric designed to measure both the productivity and citation impact of a researcher’s published work. The index has its flaws, yet most physicists would probably agree that Witten’s foundational and highly influential papers, featuring a staggering 190,000 citations, have rightly earned him top place.

Witten has never won a Nobel Prize, which has led some to claim that his work is so abstract that it doesn’t make contact with reality. However, this is not the case. Witten has introduced new ways of applying quantum field theory to pure mathematics, leading to breakthroughs in knot theory, 3D and 4D manifolds, and the invention of new invariants. While this may sound esoteric, these tools have proven pivotal in areas like cryptography, quantum computing, and condensed matter physics. Witten’s work in topological quantum field theory has also influenced topological phases of matter, such as topological insulators and superconductors. These are two of the leading candidates for robust and scalable quantum computers. Even Witten and his colleagues’ string theory research has been fruitful. For example, the concept of mirror symmetry was discovered by string theorist and has now opened up new ideas in geometry and topology. Furthermore, countless researchers have built upon Witten’s highly cited work to create their own concrete breakthroughs.

Another unfair critique of Witten is that he has led a generation of the world’s greatest physicists down the cul-de-sac of string theory. While string theory has a variety of pros and cons, it’s still considered by a large number of theoretical physicists in the field to be the leading candidate to weave quantum mechanics and general relativity into a successful theory of quantum gravity. Its first strength is that it naturally incorporates gravity alongside the other fundamental forces—an area where quantum field theory struggles. Second, it provides a consistent theory for describing gravity at a quantum level—something that plagues most other approaches. Third, its equations are highly symmetric, with deep mathematical structures, such as dualities, Calabi–Yau manifolds, and modular invariance, which have led to deep insights in physics and maths. Fourth, it provides a natural mechanism for particle variety—different vibrational modes of strings correspond to the different particles. Fifth, it predicts the existence of gauge groups—the mathematical framework for forces—which can, in principle, accommodate the standard model. Sixth, the discovery of AdS/CFT duality suggests a deep connection between gravity and quantum field theories, supporting the notion that string theory captures some fundamental truths. Seventh, there are no ultraviolet divergences in string theory: meaning that it avoids the pesky infinities that plague gravity in other quantum approaches. This gives string theory an advantage over ordinary quantum field theory.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Things aren’t all rainbows and lollipops in the world of string theory. First, and perhaps most concerning, is that no experimental evidence has confirmed predictions that are unique to string theory. Having said this, string theory does predict gravity in a retroactive sense. Second, supersymmetry, which many string theory variants rely on, hasn’t been observed at the Large Hadron Collider. It’s important to note, however, that while supersymmetry hasn’t been detected, there are no theoretical grounds to suggest that it must exist at the energies we can probe at present. Third, string theory allows for 10^500, or even more, vacuum states. This means it’s difficult to pinpoint which version, if any, describes our Universe, making the theory potentially unfalsifiable in practice. Fourth, it requires extra dimensions that we cannot directly observe. These last two points can be countered by saying that if our reality does feature counterintuitive quirks—including a multiverse and extra dimensions—then string theory is simply reflecting that reality. Fifth, it predicts string-like behaviour to be observable around the Planck scale, meaning that it’s not testable with current technology. However, in my eyes, this is not necessarily an issue with string theory itself but rather an issue with technology. The history of science is full of theories that were untestable until technology caught up, such as the existence of atoms, black holes, gravitational waves, and the Higgs boson. Witten himself echoes this point, “String theory is twenty-first century physics that fell by chance into the twentieth century.”

Witten continues to pursue string theory because it’s the most promising theory of quantum gravity. The influence he wields over others entering the field doesn’t stem from his authority but rather the persuasive power of his ideas. Those who pursue string theory research are highly intelligent, freethinking individuals. The majority of shade thrown on string theory in the public arena comes from science communicators who have been disillusioned by the lack of experimental progress. However, those who partake in the nitty gritty of string theory research still view the field as highly promising. As Joseph Conlon has written in his book, ‘Why String Theory’, “Scepticism about string theory tends to diminish as technical knowledge about the subject increases.”

Although Witten veered away from studying politics during the 1970s, he never abandoned the topic entirely. In fact, one of the things he yearns for most is peace in the Middle East. He currently sits on the board of directors of a left-wing, non-profit group called Americans for Peace Now. The stated aim of this group is to achieve a comprehensive political solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict. Witten also serves on the advisory council of J Street—a liberal, non-profit Zionist advocacy group that seeks a two-state solution to the Israel-Palestine situation.

Witten is the nucleus of his family’s constellation of exceptional talent. His two younger brothers, Jesse and Matthew, are a lawyer and television writer respectively, while his sister, Celia, is a physician who also has a doctorate in maths. Witten’s older daughter, Ilana, is an acclaimed professor of neurobiology, his youngest daughter, Daniela, is an esteemed professor in biostatistics, and his son, Rafael, is a successful software engineering manager at Amazon. Witten’s mother, Lorraine, passed away in 1987, after majoring in biology and becoming a teacher, while his father, Louis, is 104 years old at the time of writing this article.

Witten’s wife, Chiara Nappi, is a distinguished professor of physics at Princeton University in her own right. She points out that for all of Witten’s genius, he has a single chink in his armour, “A little decision can be a big deal for Ed. Figuring out what is the best exercise bike—that is an impossible task for him.” Witten’s decision making process is reminiscent of a variant of the Buridan’s donkey paradox in philosophy. A donkey is placed precisely midway between two equally enticing stacks of hay. As the donkey is perfectly logical, it cannot make any distinction between the two piles, so it starves to death.

Ed Witten has lived a remarkable life. He has evolved from a precocious youngster to a restless polymath adrift in history, politics, and economics, to finally the nucleus of modern theoretical physics. He has forged profound bridges between physics and pure mathematics, which have not only advanced science but expanded the very toolkit of human thought. Witten remains immersed in research to this day, so the final chapters of his story are still being written.


Quotes About Witten

Here are some quotations, by Witten’s peers, that I couldn’t include in my main article.


Chiara Nappi
is a professor of physics at Princeton University and researcher in string theory, mathematical physics, and particle physics. She is also Witten’s wife:

“I think Ed comes as close as you can get to being a genius. But what I think Ed really is is an accident. And accidents like Ed don’t happen so easily.”

“It’s like with Ed you have a field which is completely illuminated, totally lit up, so he just has to look around and figure out the connections. For most other people it’s dark, or mostly dark, and you go with a flashlight until you find something that makes a connection with what you have seen before. But it comes natural to Ed to be able to make a connection. And this is an advantage.”


John Schwarz
is the Harold Brown professor of theoretical physics at Caltech. He is also one of the founders of string theory:

“Ed is unique. The kind of person who comes along once a century.”

“I would say he’s the most influential theoretical physicist or mathematician in the world. And I think this has been the consensus among theoretical physicists—and most mathematicians—for a long time.”

“Witten is both deep and fast: After thinking through the ideas, he can compose an essentially error-free 100-page manuscript, often describing breakthrough original research, on his computer in a day.”

“In 1987, Michael Green and I co-authored a monograph entitled ‘Superstring Theory’ with Witten. We were thrilled that Witten agreed to join us, since we knew that his contributions would greatly improve the final product. This work, consisting of more than 1,000 pages packed with equations, was completed in nine months. For Green and me this required dedicating 100-hour workweeks to the project. Witten, on the other hand, was able to do his share while completing several major research projects at the same time.”


Brian Greene
is a professor of physics and mathematics at Columbia University and known for his work on string theory.

“Back in the 1990s, I was at the Institute for Advanced Study and we had an idea. I had a particular idea of something—I wanted to prove that the fabric of space could rip. And Ed is at the Institute for Advanced Study, and I told him about this idea and thought it was exciting. I was working with a couple of other people—Paul Aspinwall and Dave Morrison—and Ed started to work on his own version. He didn’t take anything from us. He just went in a completely different direction, but yet converged on exactly the same question. And it was among the most exciting times that I’ve had in physics because we knew he was closing in on it. We were closing in on it. We knew that he’s a million times smarter than we are. So we had to work a million times harder and faster to try to get there and not be completely scooped. And basically at the same time, late in the fall, I guess of 1992, it was, within days, came to the same conclusion from completely different approaches. And so we were right there, head to head and it was an incredibly exciting time. He’s one of those figures whose intellect, it’s just hard to fathom.… It was one of those great achievements that I will always remember, but for Edward, it was just another day at the office.”

“Everything I’ve ever worked on, if I trace its intellectual roots, I find they end at Witten’s feet.”


Joseph Polchinski
was a theoretical physicist and string theorist, as well as professor of physics at the University of California.

“We all think we’re very smart. He’s (Witten) so much smarter than the rest of us.”

“One final visitor was Edward Witten, a postdoc at Harvard. Witten asked me probing questions about Mandelstam’s program. This was startling to me, first because he was the first person I’d met who understood Mandelstam’s unconventional and technical approach, and second because he understood it better than I did after years of study. I would learn that this was a common reaction to Witten.”

“In Feynman’s Nobel speech, he tells the story of poor Slotnick, whose just finished Ph.D. dissertation Feynman had reproduced, and more, in a single night. Not surprisingly, Slotnick never wrote another paper. And stories had it that Feynman affected others the same way. I have earlier mentioned that first meeting with Witten, which was a little bit like Slotnick’s meeting with Feynman. But I don’t think that Edward has ever shown the highly competitive streak of Feynman; instead, he is competing with history. But each new paper from him gave me the joy of reading, and the question, ‘why am I needed?’”

“I had recently seen the movie Amadeus, which (a bit inaccurately) described Salieri’s torment at being unable to match Mozart’s genius. So I empathized with Salieri. I also put a picture of Witten on the back of my office door, to desensitize myself for when we met.”


Nathan Seiberg
is a professor at the Institute for Advanced Study, Princeton. He specialises in quantum field theory and string theory and collaborated with Witten on the Seiberg-Witten theory:

“The main strength is that he (Witten) is powerful in everything. Both in math—the most sophisticated math—and physics. In physics one needs physical intuition. And he has remarkable physics intuition as well as complete control over the math that is needed. And in that respect I think he’s unique.”

“I think in perspective of a hundred years or three hundred years, his name will stay. It will not be forgotten–his contributions are really lasting–contributions which will stay there.”


Michio Kaku
is the professor of physics at the City College of New York and the CUNY Graduate Centre.

“I do believe there really is a category for a genius who is a supernova—a supernova that lights up the entire scientific landscape and that is Ed Witten…. I think he is as close as you are going to get to a living Albert Einstein today.”

“Edward Witten…dominates the world of theoretical physics. Witten is currently the ‘leader of the pack’, the most brilliant high-energy physicist, who sets trends in the physics community the way Picasso would set trends in the art world. Hundreds of physicists follow his work religiously to get a glimmer of his path-breaking ideas.”


Ramamurti Shankar
is the Josiah Willard Gibbs professor of physics at Yale University:

“One day Ed Witten said to me, ‘I just learnt a new way to find exact S-matrices in two dimensions invented by Zamolodchikov and I want to extend the ideas to supersymmetric models. You are the S-matrix expert aren’t you? Why don’t we work together?’ I was delighted. All my years of training in Berkeley gave a tremendous advantage over Ed–for an entire week.”


Michael Atiyah
was a mathematician and professor at Oxford University, Cambridge University, and the Institute for Advanced Study, Princeton. He was also a Fields medallist:

“I attended a meeting, and there was this young chap with the older guys. We started talking, and after a few minutes I realized that the younger guy was much smarter than the old guys. He understood all the mathematics I was talking about, so I started paying attention to him. That was Witten. And I’ve kept in touch with him ever since.”

“In 2001, he (Witten) invited me to Caltech, where he was a visiting professor. I felt like a graduate student again. Every morning I would walk into the department, I’d go to see Witten, and we’d talk for an hour or so. He’d give me my homework. I’d go away and spend the next 23 hours trying to catch up. Meanwhile, he’d go off and do half a dozen other things. We had a very intense collaboration. It was an incredible experience because it was like working with a brilliant supervisor. I mean, he knew all the answers before I got them. If we ever argued, he was right and I was wrong. It was embarrassing!”


Dror Bar-Natan
is a mathematician and professor at the University of Toronto:

“He (Witten) is able to make even very complicated things appear simple. The problem is that often you will not see that because he’s turning the hyper-complicated into merely complicated.”

“He is so much more talented, there is just no other way of saying it. The guy is smart. The guy is extremely productive. If you try to imitate his brilliance, you will fail….If you try to imitate his productivity, you will be disappointed.”


Edward Frenkel
is a professor of mathematics at the University of California:

“We wrote this long paper in 2007, and we collaborated for about a year. I have known him before, and we talked before, and I’ve seen him since, and we talked, but it’s very different to just meet somebody at conferences and have a conversation, as opposed to actually working on a project together. He’s very, very serious, very focused. This is one thing which I have to say, I was really struck by this. He has had this unique vision of the subject. He was able to connect different things, especially find connections between quantum physics and mathematics. Almost unparalleled. I don’t think anyone comes close, in some sense, in the last, you know, 50 years to him, in terms of finding, just consistently, time after time, breaking ground, new ground. He would take some idea in physics, and then find an interpretation of it in mathematics, and then say, distil it, present it in mathematical terms, and tell mathematicians, this should be like that, you know? Kind of like, 1 + 2 + 3 + 4… = -1/12. And mathematicians would be like, no way. And then it would pan out, and mathematicians would then, like a whole industry would be created of groups of mathematicians trying to prove his conjectures and his ideas. And he would always be proven right.”


Richard Borcherds
is a professor of Mathematics at the University of California and a Fields medallist:

“I’ve met him (Witten) and he is simply terrifying.”

“He is just so much more productive than me. He produces this endless stream of papers, each of which is 50 or 100 pages long. Many of them have incredible new ideas in them.”


Peter Woit
is a mathematician and senior lecturer at Columbia University.  

“When I was a graduate student at Princeton, one day I was leaving the library perhaps thirty feet or so behind Witten. The library was underneath a large plaza separating the mathematics and physics buildings, and he went up the stairs to the plaza ahead of me, disappearing from view. When I reached the plaza he was nowhere to be seen, and it is quite a bit more than thirty feet to the nearest building entrance. While presumably he was just moving a lot faster than I was, it crossed my mind at the time that a consistent explanation for everything was that Witten was an extraterrestrial being from a superior race who, since he thought no one was watching, had teleported back to his office.”

“I think he’s a truly remarkable figure. I had the pleasure of meeting him first when he was a post doc and I mean he’s just a completely amazing mathematician and physicist. You know, he’s quite a bit smarter than just about any of the rest of us and also more hardworking and it’s kind of a frightening combination to see how much he’s been able to do…I mean, he’s completely revolutionised some areas of mathematics. He’s totally revolutionised the way we understand the relations between mathematics and physics. And his greatest work is stuff that has little or nothing to do with string theory. The very strange thing about him in some sense is that he doesn’t have a Nobel Prize. There’s a very large number of people who are nowhere near as smart as he is and don’t work anywhere near as hard, who have Nobel Prizes. I think he just had the misfortune of coming into the field at a time when things have gotten much, much, much tougher and no matter how smart you were, it was very hard to come up with a new idea that was going to work physically and get you a Nobel Prize. He got a Fields Medal for certain work he did in mathematics and that’s just completely unheard of—for mathematicians to give a Fields Medal to someone outside their field. Before he came around, I don’t think anybody would have thought that was even conceivable.”


Roger Penrose
is the Rouse Ball professor of mathematics at the University of Oxford. He is also a Nobel Laureate in Physics:

“There is no question of the extraordinary quality of Witten’s intellectual achievements. Where Witten goes, it does not take long for the rest to follow.”


Cumrun Vafa
is a theoretical physicist and the Hollis Professor at Harvard University. He also had Witten serving as his PhD advisor and would later collaborate with him:

“He is not only brilliant, but he is also multifaceted in terms of the impact he has had, not only in physics, but also in mathematics. He’s got a Fields Medal because of his work in mathematics and rightly so. He has used his knowledge of physics in a way which impacted deep ideas in modern mathematics and that’s an example of the power of these ideas in modern high energy physics and string theory, that the applicability of it to, to modern mathematics. He’s quite an exceptional individual. We don’t come across such people a lot in history. So I think, he’s one of the rare figures in the history of the subject. He has had a great impact on a lot of aspects of not just string theory but a lot of different areas in physics and also in mathematics as well.”


Sources

BBC World Service—Discovery podcast

Adventures in Physics and Math, Edward Witten

Memories of a Theoretical Physicist, Joseph Polchinski

Effective Field Theory in Condensed Matter Physics, R. Shankar

Quanta Magazine, A Physicist’s Physicist Ponders the Nature of Reality

Discover Magazine, The Man Who Led the Second Superstring Revolution

The Baltimore Sun, Physicist Edward Witten, on the trail of universal truth Interview with the Genius

CNN, Physics’ Sharpest Mind Since Einstein

The Guardian, String Fellows

Deseret News, ‘Superstring Superstar’ Scientist Lights Up The World Of Physics

Scientific American, Physics Titan Still Thinks String Theory Is “On the Right Track”

The Prompt Mag, Quitters Never Prosper—Except When They Actually Do

Cantor’s Paradise, The Smartest Living Mathematical Physicist

The Daily Pochemuchka, On Ed Witten and Innate Talent: A Winding Digression

Two Plus Two Forums

Lex Clips, Edward Frenkel and Lex Fridman

Lex Clips, Peter Woit and Lex Fridman

Lex Clips, Cumrun Vafa and Lex Fridman

Curt Jaimungal, Briane Greene

Curt Jaimungal, Richard Borcherds

Institute of Physics, Newton Medal Winner: Edward Witten

Hyperspace, Michio Kaku

Quantum Field Theory in a Nutshell, A. Zee

Maker of Patterns: An Autobiography Through Letters, Freeman Dyson

Why String Theory, Joseph Conlon

Gravitation And Cosmology: Principles And Applications Of The General Theory Of Relativity, Steven Weinberg

Which Of These Student Stereotypes Went To Your School?

1. The Disgruntled Goth

This student began the schooling year as a regular, sentient human being, aware of the full spectrum of colours on the colour wheel. Some traumatic event such as watching their favourite reality show contestant being evicted turned them dark. The disgruntled goth dresses in black and listens to emo bands from the 2000s. Across all online platforms, their username is ‘Dark Angle’ which unfortunately for them is a spelling mistake leading to others online thinking they are interested in maths and not the dark overlord.

2. Cat Child and Horse Child

Cat child (despite being a teenager) prowls around the schoolyard wearing cat ears and acting as a cat. Horse child is under the illusion that they are a horse and they subsequently gallop from classroom to classroom. These two unique individuals befriend one another and live in blissful harmony amidst their fantastical farmland fantasy. Until one day… cat child and horse child become sworn enemies intent on destroying one another. The duo spend the rest of their schooling lives engaging in symbiotic vitriolic hatred.

3. The Nerd

The nerd’s thick framed glasses rest on their oily, pimple-stained face. Their favourite pastime involves informing the internet of continuity errors in their comic book collection. The nerd is captain of the school’s Star Trek chess club which the school continually threatens to shut down due to its lack of members. They are fluent in five languages: English, C + +, Python, Quenya and Klingon. The nerd lists their most embarrassing moment as the day they visited the local department store. They walked in with a suspicious protrusion coming from their pants and asked the shopkeeper where the role-playing games were located. The nerd was escorted out of the store before they could remove the Rubik’s cube from their pocket and explain that their role-playing interest lay innocently with Dungeons and Dragons.

4. The Perfectionist

The perfectionist has each subject’s optional reading material printed out, colour-coded into all 10,000 shades of Dulux paint shades and arranged by Dewy Decimal Classification. On one occasion you spot the perfectionist crying in the corridor accompanied by a friend. You enquire as to what has happened. Their friend says the perfectionist scored 99/100 on a test. You say “congratulations” to which the friend snaps at you and the perfectionist emits a dog-like howl. The perfectionist’s life can’t continue as they were docked one point. This day haunts them for the rest of their life.

5. The Student on the Precipice of Snapping

This unhinged individual is misanthropic and anti-social yet enjoys awkwardly staring at people. He (they are always guys) has long, unkempt hair and is rake-thin. This student hasn’t been the same since his girlfriend broke up with him in grade 3 after he purposefully trampled on an ant’s nest. He keeps a notebook containing the names of everyone who has wronged him. It lists most of the school including the cafeteria workers who made the list by virtue of not having raw broccoli available for purchase one day. The entire school is unsure whether to be nice to the student on the precipice of snapping. They reason that if he snaps then there is more chance that they are spared.

6. The Cult Leader

The cult leader speaks in something resembling ye olde English. They spend their days trying to recruit fellow students into their cult as minions which they will invariably lead. The cult leader’s status is diminished when the principal suspends them for starting a cult. As punishment, the cult leader’s parents insist they have to be in bed by 9PM and their mobile phone is taken from them for one month. The uprising must wait until they have their mobile phone returned. The cult leader argues that if one defines a cult as ‘brainwashing people to think a certain way’ then surely the school is a cult.

7. The Student with Demanding Parents

This student is grounded if they are home from school just one minute late. On their return from school, they are locked in their room by their parents and forced to study for eight hours straight in a situation more akin to being held hostage. Basic food and drinks rations are occasionally deposited into their room in what the parents claim is a privilege. If this student’s end-of-year report is tarnished by any grade that is not an ‘A’, they are banished from their family and sent to a child labour camp. This student finds the child labour camp much more pleasant than living with their demanding parents.

8. The Wannabe Lawyer

The wannabe lawyer has an astute interest in all facets of law, stemming from watching repeats of Judge Judy and by having a third cousin who claims to be a lawyer. Alongside offering unsolicited legal advice on Facebook, school is where the wannabe lawyer uses their jurisprudence prowess. Due to poor behaviour, the teacher punishes the wannabe lawyer’s class by keeping them inside for 10 minutes of lunchtime. This incenses the wannabe lawyer who promptly prints out the Geneva Convention and highlights various subclauses that emphasise the cruel illegality of the teacher’s actions. The wannabe lawyer argues that by losing 10 minutes of lunchtime, the classes’ civil rights have been violated. A class of breathing, sentient beings. The teacher quickly retorts that the class aren’t sentient beings.

9. The Student with the Unspellable Name

This student has a double umlaut over the second ‘x’ and third ‘z’ in their name, making it impossible to pronounce unless you hail from some remote Star Trek planet whose inhabitants produces sounds by clicking their tongue. The teachers who fail to include the double umlaut in their reports are threatened with legal action by the parents (who should themselves be sued for providing their child with such a burdensome name). The school reaches an out-of-court settlement with the parents when they explain that their report software is not equipped to handle umlauts.

10. The Hypochondriac

The hypochondriac asks you to check their glands. With a wry smile, you inform them that they are raised. The hypochondriac turns to trusty Doctor Google. They search ‘raised glands’ and sigh, “Well, that’s it- I’m dead”. The hypochondriac has diagnosed themselves with 100 terminal illnesses this week. They are consigned to the fact that they will die by the end of the month- for them the only pertinent question is which disease will kill them first. The hypochondriac trundles to the sick bay and addresses the nurse by their first name. “I’m very sick, I can’t move and it hurts everywhere”. The hypochondriac spends more time with the school nurse than the remainder of the school combined. The nurse phones up the hypochondriac’s parents- a number that’s on speed dial. Another student enters the sick bay vomiting and encroaches on the territory of the hypochondriac. The hypochondriac makes a remarkable recovery and leaps to their feet, fleeing from the potentially infectious vomiting student with the vigour and speed of an athlete. Since COVID struck, no-one has heard from the hypochondriac.

11. The Wagger

The wagger has concocted an array of schemes to avoid gaining the obligatory education that accompanies school attendance. For starters, they fill in a sheet of paper at the start of the school year in which they are instructed to write down the phone number of their parents. It is in this space that the wagger creatively fills in their own mobile number. When the school phones the wagger’s ‘parents’ to enquire into their absence from school, the wagger will answer their phone and provide an excuse. Another of the tricks in the wagger’s arsenal involves feigning a fever. They place a hot water bottle on their forehead which provides the thermometer with a reading of 50 degrees Celsius (117 Fahrenheit). The wagger is a medical marvel that defies the scientific literature. Any regular mortal would succumb to the inevitable death that accompanies such a temperature yet the wagger avoids such a fate. All of the wagger’s scheming to avoid school is for the outcome of attending the local mall. It is here that the wagger sits around bored, twiddling their thumbs and waiting for the end of the school day when they can socialise with their fellow students- something they could enjoy more of if they indeed attended school.

12. The Essay Manipulator

The essay manipulator can only muster 300 words on an essay topic that requires 500 words. As a result, they use double spacing and size 28 font in the hope of making their essay appear longer. Additionally, they add an extra 200 words of white text that is invisible to the teacher, to their essay. This is as an additional measure to trick the teacher’s word counter. To increase the apparent length of their essay and to appear wordier, the essay manipulator use the thesaurus function to change random words. The resultant essay contains sentences such as “My favourite folk singer is feline Stevens”.

13. The Car Enthusiast

Whilst normal humans have an image of themselves on their Facebook profile, the car enthusiast displays a photograph of a car. What is doubly peculiar is that they don’t own this car- it is simply one they have seen online and spend every waking hour fantasising over. The car enthusiast has a unique condition in which they “rite lik dis n dohnt uze normall spelin oar gramma”. Whether this deviation from the normal rules of the English language is a consequence of petrol fumes is contentious. The car enthusiast lists their Facebook relationship as “In a relationship with a Ferrari XYZ1234”. This leads other students to question whether the car enthusiast is in fact being intimate with cars. The car enthusiast criticises every teacher in the school for their substandard car parked within the school car park. When the car enthusiast is old enough to take their learner’s permit, they arrive at the testing centre three hours early. This is the only test they pass in their life. They ultimately drive a cheap 1990s Holden Commodore that contains fuel worth more than the car itself. The car enthusiast modifies their car exhaust to create a loud, obnoxious sound in the hope that this will make people like them.

14. The Child Prodigy

This young, over-achiever has skipped three years and still outperforms their peers. They reach the waist-levels of their fellow classmates and look like they will never hit puberty. The child prodigy dominates virtually every class from maths to music. The child prodigy’s classmates collectively become frustrated that this baby-faced genius embarrasses them on an intellectual level. As a consequence, the classmates wreak their revenge in PE class, during any sport that permits a modicum of contact. The child prodigy’s glasses require a full-time optometry repair person and the child prodigy develops a lifelong extreme phobia of anything remotely related to sport.

15. The Tall Student

The tall student must navigate a school that simply isn’t designed for someone of their drawn-out proportions. Upon entering a classroom, the tall student must choose between partaking in the limbo or being knocked unconscious by the door’s upper frame. Often they choose the latter option, providing them with a bump on their head which only adds to their height. The tall student must then sit on a chair designed for someone half their height making them resemble the comical trope of a clown riding a child’s tricycle. The tall student is as conspicuous as they come as they traverse the corridors, grossly thin and standing two feet above the sea of other students. People naturally make assumptions about the tall student and assume they play basketball which is an example of blatant stereotyping. Although this student just so happens to play basketball. Countless times a day, regular sized people approach the tall student and inform them that they are indeed tall. It is not immediately clear why these smaller students are telling the tall student this. Perhaps they believe that the tall student is unaware of their exaggerated height and will provide them with money in exchange for this information. Additionally, the tall student is asked umpteen times a day “How tall are you?” They begin to answer this question in creative ways such as “Tall enough” or “5 foot 19 inches”.

16. The Self-Proclaimed Ladies’ Man

The Self-Proclaimed Ladies’ Man wears a shirt with the top three buttons undone and collar up. Additionally, the shirt has been drenched in the nauseating scent of an entire bottle of aftershave. This student believes their body is a temple and therefore they coat it in dozens of dangling chains and shiny rings. The self-proclaimed ladies’ man believes he is God’s gift to women. He uses every waking moment to hit on a different girl and he has extended his enthusiasm (creepiness) into the Instagram realm. He will type out a sleazy comment describing how unique a girl is. Copying and pasting this comment enables him to hit on thousands of these ‘unique’ girls at once. The self-proclaimed ladies’ man drops out of school to work on a building site. He drives a car with a personalized license plate to work and wolf whistles at every female that he deems worthy (they need to be breathing to be worthy). From an evolutionary perspective, the personalized license plate and wolf whistling are Darwinian traits that will stop females mating with the self-proclaimed ladies’ man and therefore thwart his genes from spreading.

17. The Student Who Suffered a Woodworking Mishap

This student failed to listen when the woodworking teacher instructed the class not to place their fingers in front of the circular saw. As a result, this student is missing the end of their little finger. The woodworking mishap student is too embarrassed to tell people this story in which they don’t follow instructions, appear simple-minded and come across as a candidate for the Darwin Awards. Instead, they inform anyone who will listen that the end of their pinky was bitten off as they bravely fought off a great white shark. The woodworking section of the school had proudly displayed a sign adorned with the words ‘NO ACCIDENTS FOR 1024 DAYS’. Post-accident, the sign changed to ‘NO ACCIDENTS FOR 0 DAYS’. The school now no longer offers woodwork as part of its curriculum.

18. The Environmentalist

The environmentalist is in a constant tug-of-war with the school to adopt more recycling bins despite the students filling the current supply of recycling bins with trash. The environmentalist has developed thick dreadlocks and a pungent odour thanks to their disdain for showering. They have initiated the school’s environment club that meets on the third full moon of every quarter. The environmentalist carries around a recycled notebook with a pleather cover as well as a sustainably sourced pen. They use these instruments to record the names of environmental villains. If the environmentalist spots a student using a tissue, they will say “You will be responsible for the death of a living creature”. The annoyed tissue user crassly responds “Yeah, you!”

19. The Old Student

The ‘old student’ has a thick beard, a receding hairline, the odd white follicle as well as facial wrinkles seeping through their skin. Their backstory is that they are repeating the last year of their schooling at this new school. One of the ‘old student’s’ classmates uncovers a LinkedIn profile of a 30-year-old man with a wife and three kids who looks suspiciously like this ‘student’.

20. The Chemistry Enthusiast

The chemistry enthusiast’s penchant for chemistry has blossomed from casual interest into all-devouring, life obsession. Over time, they begin to collect chemicals from the school’s chemistry lab to bring home. The chemistry enthusiast’s fellow students naturally assume that they are engaging in some form of Breaking Bad style, drug production scheme. This suspicious gathering of dangerous chemicals raises flags for the federal authorities who send out specialised agents from the anti-terrorism task force to interrogate the chemistry enthusiast. The chemistry enthusiast reveals that they have been stashing these chemicals in order to build their now completed nuclear reactor. The school is simultaneously shocked and impressed.

  

21. The Self-Described ‘Influencer

The self-described ‘influencer’ has chalked up a few hundred subscribers on their YouTube channel. On social media, they list their occupation as ‘International model’ after their parents took some photos of them whilst they were overseas. The influencer only allows photos to be taken of the left side of their face. Despite their face being perfectly symmetrical, they believe that if their “ugly” right side is photographed, the core foundations of planet earth will be shattered. The influencer drops out of school to focus on becoming a YouTuber. After their subscriber numbers fail to increase, the influencer spends their days eating junk food whilst watching other ‘influencers’ online. They attempt to gain subscribers by leaving pithy comments on other ‘influencer’s’ YouTube videos such as “When I am bored, I bury myself in my backyard and pretend I’m a carrot”. They also comment “first” when they are the two millionth person to watch a video.

22. The Bomb Hoaxer

This student failed to study for a test. They weigh up the wrath of their parents as a result of failing the test versus the risk of going to prison for making a bomb hoax phone call. The decision is easy. The student phones the school on their mobile claiming that a bomb is hidden within their very classroom. The school is dramatically evacuated and the police arrive. As the bomb hoaxer phoned the threat from their own mobile phone, they are promptly arrested. The bomb hoaxer isn’t entirely dissatisfied with this outcome. They would rather spend time at the police station than face their parents. 

23. The Conspiracy Theorist

This student was a semi-rational human being before they watched a YouTube video featuring two flat-earthers. Despite the flat-earthers actually proving the world to be round, this student has gone down the rabbit hole of conspiratorial YouTube Videos thus officially becoming a conspiracy theorist. The conspiracy theorist hangs up posters around the school, revealing to the school community the information that the scientists and mainstream media are working in cahoots to hide. The posters inform the ignorant public that the COVID vaccine has a particularly worrying side effect- it will make people like Microsoft products. The poster references some poorly chosen domain name as a source. A domain that any rational person would doubt the content of, such as www.somerandomstuff1.wordpress.com. The conspiracy theorist has cracked the COVID conspiracy and begins to branch off into other areas. They determine that the school emblem is actually a map created by the Freemasons that leads to a shapeshifting alien civilization living underground who come up during the day. They are known as ‘teachers’.

24. The Fitness Freak

The fitness freak has an Adonis sculptured body in which their muscles have their own muscles. This student enjoys downing raw egg yolks for lunch and always has a large protein shake sitting on their desk which they refill at hourly intervals. Eating 6,000 calories a day is a challenging enough endeavour without the added obstacle of school. The worth of a student can easily be determined by the fitness freak- it correlates with how many kilograms they can bench press. The fitness freak stares fixated at a window with a smirk on their face. At first it appears that the fitness freak has a newfound interest in the chemistry equations that lie beyond the window. It soon becomes apparent that they thoroughly enjoy looking at their body in any surface vaguely resembling a mirror. The narcissist, ahem….fitness freak physically picks up students and uses them as a dumbbell. The teachers have to regularly remind the fitness freak that they are prohibited from bicep curling their fellow students.

25. The Dodgy Salesperson

This student begins their exploits by selling the pizza slices they made in Home Economics class to their fellow students. The pizza acts as a gateway item. The student soon buys a stack of iPhones on eBay that have themselves been dubiously procured. Within hours, the dodgy salesperson sells their entire supply of iPhones to their classmates, making more money than their teacher’s make in a month. The dodgy salesperson can’t add 2 + 2 in maths class but transforms into a mathematical prodigy when it comes to making money. They earn the nickname ‘slippery……’ followed by their name. Life seems good for the dodgy salesperson until one of the iPhone buyer’s parents complains to the school. The principal punishes the dodgy salesperson but simultaneously would like a cheap iPhone for themselves.

26. The Harry Potter Fanatic

The Harry Potter fanatic is under the deluded belief that they are attending Hogwarts. They have assigned a Hogwarts character to every teacher and student in the school. The Harry Potter fanatic spars with their unique clique of fellow Harry Potter enthusiasts, over who in the group should be Harry. The Harry Potter fanatic has taken the online quiz that reveals your Hogwarts house umpteen times until they were designated Gryffindor house. Attending a school with muggles does have its challenges for the Harry Potter fanatic. Firstly, other students crudely refer to them as a ‘Pothead’. Secondly, a handful of their fellow students chant Lord Voldemort’s name aloud, causing much distress for the Harry Potter fanatic who mentally designates the offending commenters to Slytherin house. Finally, the Harry Potter fanatic enjoys borrowing the Harry Potter book series from the school library. Another student has already trawled through the books and changed each ‘wand’ to ‘wang’ causing great pain for the Harry Potter fanatic. Some sentences now read, “Your father, on the other hand, favoured a mahogany wang. Eleven inches”. 

27. The IT Whizz

This student’s level of knowledge about all things computers surpasses that of the school employed, IT worker. If a teacher requires a computing problem remedied, they bypass the IT worker and seek this student. When the IT whizz graduates, the school deviates from the standard employment processes and hires the IT whizz. They seamlessly become the school’s youngest employee. They also happen to be busier than all of the teachers. The IT whizz develops a monk-like patience when explaining computer fixes to the teachers who ask questions along the lines of “Where is the any key?”  

28. The Accident-Prone Student

This student sits tucked away in a corner of the schoolyard minding their own business. A stray ball is kicked into the air, hovering above the yard filled with one thousand students. Like a heat-seeking missile, the ball defies the laws of physics and heads straight towards the accident-prone student, striking them on the head. Fortunately, the hit isn’t overly painful as they already have a numb lump on their head from last week’s school assembly. They had carefully traversed the few steps leading up to the stage, whilst one thousand students’ eyes were focused in on them. Inevitably, the accident-prone student stumbled on the last step and face-planted onto the stage, in front of the principal’s feet, banging their head on the school lectern. The accident-prone student’s lack of co-ordination extends to non-stair surfaces. They have the impressive ability to trip on a completely flat, concrete floor.

29. The Fake ID Procurer

This student incessantly brags to their friends about their ability to obtain fake IDs. After gathering all of the necessary names and photos, the fake ID procurer promises to deliver each of their friends a high-quality fake ID within a week. After six months have passed and the student’s friends have started to turn 18, the fake ID procurer distributes poorly made knockoff IDs, produced on Microsoft Word and written in Comic Sans font, retaining the red, wavy, spelling mistake line beneath the words. The IDs are essentially cut out pieces of paper. Not only this but the fake ID procurer, has also mismatched the names and photos.

30. The Student Who Always Has a Runny Nose

Every school has one student who always seems to have a cold. Every time you see them, they are sniffing, clutching a tissue, have visible mucus discharge and have a nose redder than Rudolf. This student becomes ostracized during the COVID pandemic as everyone naturally assumes they have COVID and stays clear of them.

31. The Animal Hoarder

By day, the animal hoarder attends school. It is here that they are constantly on the lookout for stray insects or birds that make their way into classrooms. The animal hoarder will banish the class from their room and engage in some Wile E. Coyote like scheme to catch the trapped animal, often at the expense of the tidiness of the room. The animal hoarder will take the trapped animal home with them, to their rented house teeming with other injured wildlife. Food is left out, water is given and mouth-to-mouth is provided from the animal hoarder to the said animal. The animal hoarder frequently arrives at school covered head-to-toe in scratches. They fear some animal rescue organisation discovering their shanty menagerie at home so they must create some fanciful story to explain the origin of their scratches, “er… my parents are causing them”. The animal hoarder’s parents are removed and the animal hoarder replaces them with an abundance of stray cats. The neighbourhood children who walk by the house create folktales about the animal hoarder, portraying them as some mythological, villainous character.

32. The Mystery Farter

The class sit silently, staring blankly at the teacher who waffles on at the front of the classroom. An audible sound suddenly emanates from the rear of the room followed by a nauseating smell. The mystery farter has struck again. In what has become a school-wide mystery, approaching the intrigue of a Sherlock Holmes puzzle, there is a chronic, unknown farter on the loose. A few students in the general vicinity of the fart are accused of being the instigator but they naturally deny all accusations. After months of pungent farts by the same incognito student, the mystery farter eventually slips up. They fart in the corner of the classroom and their position is triangulated by three independent witnesses who can determine the direction of the fart. Much like the stench, the evidence for the culprit’s identity becomes overwhelming. They are outed. Like a murder mystery novel, the perpetrator was the person everyone least suspected- a shy, introverted type.

33. The Teacher’s Pet

The lesson has started and the teacher has forgotten about today’s test as well as the assignment that was due. The teacher’s pet raises their hand causing the entire class to freeze. The teacher’s pet proudly exclaims “We have a test today and our assignment is…” Mid-sentence, the student sitting next to the teacher’s pet pretends to hug the teacher’s pet by extending an arm around them. They continue this motion and cover the teacher’s pet’s mouth to gag them. It’s too late. The teacher has been reminded of the test and assignment.

  

34. The Covert Computer Gamer

The covert computer gamer simply views school as an impairment to becoming a full-time, professional gamer. They secretly play Call of Duty on their laptop during maths class. The teacher’s eyes scan across the class. They observe a sea of disinterested faces experiencing the monotony of solving trigonometric equations. The gamer’s face is different. They are wide-eyed, focused and generally too riveted for someone supposedly partaking in mathematical calculations. Just as the gamer has missions on Call of Duty, the teacher conjures up their own mission- to catch the gamer in the act. With the stealth of a soldier in Call of Duty encroaching on their enemy, the teacher quietly tiptoes around the classroom and sneaks up behind the gamer. “Got you!” exclaims the teacher. The gamer quickly retorts by claiming that a pop-up ad opened up on their screen and interrupted their trigonometry, which incidentally, they were experiencing oh so much joy in solving.

35. The Japanese Exchange Student

The Japanese exchange student doesn’t speak a word of English yet shares a common bond with their new classmates that transcends words- a crippling addiction to technology. The exchange student brought the unreleased iPhone 15 with them from Japan which is simultaneously the world’s largest phone and world’s smallest tablet. It also doubles as a PlayStation 6. The Japanese exchange student has a glut of ultra-modern gadgets that won’t be available to western consumers for 5 years.

36. The Music Student

The music student originally played a woodwind instrument but they grew tired of the incessant double entendre from the other students hence they made the switch to playing the double bass which has instead proven to be large and overly cumbersome. The double bass accompanies them on the school bus each day causing a blockage part way up the aisle, forcing students to clamber over the enlarged instrument. After school, the music student is invited to the mall by their friends. The music student’s friends have to contend with the music student lugging around a 50kg case and instrument. It knocks over shop displays, tramples fellow mall-goers and raises the suspicions of shopkeepers who suspect that some sort of Trojan Horse-style scheme is unfolding to steal goods. The music student isn’t invited to the mall again.

37. The Hipster

The hipster arrives at school on their fixed gear bike. They narrowly avoided being mowed down by a semi-trailer on their way to school as a result of purchasing a bike without a crucial component known as ‘brakes’. The hipster wears glasses with no lenses and goes to extraordinary lengths to dress like a homeless person, paying a small fortune for their raggedy outfit. During class, the hipster uses outdated forms of technology such as a Walkman and a typewriter in order to appear ironic. They enjoy unearthing new underground indie bands whilst browsing MySpace. At lunchtime, the hipster eats their artesian avocado toast with a fresh sprinkling of quinoa. The hipster prides themselves on being individualised and has developed very specific tastes, just like the millions of the other hipsters on planet earth.

38. The Absentee

This student shows up so irregularly, the teacher has stopped calling their name on the roll. The absentee appears at school on one random day a year. The other students introduce themselves to the absentee, with the mistaken belief that they are a new student in the school. The absentee surprises everyone by recalling every student’s name. The other students are envious of the absentee’s lack of school attendance until they realise that the absentee can’t string a proper sentence together.

39. The Tagger

The tagger’s downwards spiral into vandalism began in their formative years. They borrowed ‘Where’s Wally?’ (Where’s Waldo?) from the school library and using a thick, permanent, black marker, circled each Wally (Waldo) in the book before returning it. The tagger gradually transitioned into scrawling their tag all over their diary before graffitiing it on every available surface across the entire school. As the tagger’s tag simply consisted of their full name, they were quickly apprehended by the school’s detective (also doubling as the science teacher). The tagger argued that their graffiti was in fact art. The school detective responded that the tagger was anti-art. They cited the fact that the tagger themselves graffitied an ‘F’ on a sign preceding the words ‘ART ROOM’. The tagger’s locker was cut open revealing a cache of stolen goods. This included a bag containing a letter ‘S’ taken from each keyboard in the school. Hereby the long-running mystery was solved regarding why the entire student body had failed to use this crucial letter in their essays this year. The tagger ended up in juvenile prison but they would eventually gain fame thanks to appearing on a reality TV show filmed in juvie that glamourised the teenage, criminal life.

40. The Brooding Poet

The brooding poet regularly jots down their innermost nihilistic thoughts in haiku form. They read exclusively Albert Camus and Friedrich Nietzsche. The brooding poet has a hatred for every subject on the school curriculum bar English. They particularly enjoy the creative writing branch of English and find great purpose in explaining with their writing that nothing has purpose. When the brooding poet’s class is dictated an English novel to read over the course of a term, the brooding poet completes the book in one night, much to the annoyance of their classmates. Their subsequent essay on the novel explains how the protagonist lived a futile existence and was doomed to failure by the text’s opening lines by virtue of being human.

41. The Student Who Hates Reading

This student is the antithesis of the brooding poet. They detest English with a passion. Despite having an entire term to read the prescribed English subject novel, they fail to progress beyond page 1. In order to write the requisite essay and appear at least semi-versed on a text they know nothing about other than what the blurb and first page informs them, they watch the movie adaptation of the book. The downfall in this student’s scheme lies in referring to actor Colin Firth part-way through their essay. The anti-reading student is blissfully unaware of the divergences between the movie and the novel, much to the mirth of the English teacher. When this student encounters a Shakespearean play, for which there is no Hollywood adaptation, they observe their teacher’s enthusiasm for the Bard and recycle a sentence that all English teachers love. “Shakespeare is as relevant now as he was then”. This sentence alone earns them a passing grade.

42. The Actor

This student’s acting oeuvre entails just one performance- sitting in the background of an ad played on a community TV station. Despite only the upper, rear of their head being visible, from the actor’s perspective, they are more deserving of an Oscar for best actor than Joaquin Phoenix’s performance in Joker. The actor dislikes Hollywood actors for being too cliché. Instead, they tell their fellow students that they idolise niche, arthouse thespians (a comment which their fellow students misconstrue as an insight into their sexual orientation). Whilst partaking in regular conversations with their fellow classmates, the actor makes sure everyone knows that they are a serious actor by overly articulating normal sentences whilst simultaneously using over-the-top hand gestures. These idiosyncrasies lead to a surplus of airborne saliva when they speak and a wide berth around them when they motion their hands. In the lead up to playing a mentally ill Blanche in the school production of ‘A Streetcar Named Desire’, the actor thinks of themselves as a method actor. This causes great suffering to anyone in close proximity to them.

43. The Secret Studier

This secret studier has developed just one interest in life- studying. They lack any other hobbies and any skerrick of a social life. This student spends every waking hour fixated on their unhealthy, single mindset. Every lunchtime, they sprint across the schoolyard to the library. Their parents, teachers and peers put obstacles in their way to thwart their obsession with learning, yet invariably, the secret studier resists. The secret studier’s parents leave their child home alone during a long weekend with a fridge bursting with alcohol. When the parents return, the alcohol remains untouched, no-one has entered the house and the secret studier is content that they’ve had an entire long weekend of undisturbed studying. The secret studier’s parents buy them computer games and comic books in the hope of luring them to the dark-side. The secret studier hides their calculus textbook within their comic book and continues studying in secret so those around them believe they are reading comics. Additionally, they study on the computer and switch tabs to a computer game when their parents walk by.

44. The Surfer

The wavy, bleached-haired surfer has a unique attendance record at school. In a remarkable case of psychic prowess, the geography teacher is able to predict when the surfer will come down with an ailment and thus be absent. The geography teacher has devised a formula. When there are strong winds and large waves, the luckless surfer seems to suffer from an illness and miss school. It happens to be a coincidence that the local swell is pumping on these days. When the wind is still and the surfer appears at school, they enjoy informing their fellow classmates of the time they almost got bitten by a shark….well, they saw a shark…actually, it may have been seaweed. The surfer is placed into the remedial English class as their slow voice, unique accent, swathe of colloquialisms and slow processing speed are misconstrued. The teachers believe that these traits of the surfer are the result of a minor neurological disorder.

45. The Identical Twins

The identical twins spend their time trying to convince anyone who will listen, how different they are. Detrimental to the identical twin’s argument is the fact that they speak these words in unison. The identical twins have worked out an academic perk that accompanies being an identical twin. Twin A can study for the maths exam and sit the exam for both themselves and twin B. Twin B can study for the English exam and sit it for both twins. The identical twin who is half-an-hour older coattails on their seniority for their entire life. Numerous students approach the twins daily and make the same comment that they deem to be unique, “If I punch you, will your twin feel it?”

46. The Student with Seven Grandmothers

This luckless student has suffered an unfortunate spate of family deaths during the school year. Their first grandmother died in February (incidentally the day their English assignment was due). Their second grandmother died in March (by chance on the due date of their geography assignment). During April the hapless student lost their third Grandmother (again coinciding with their English assignment’s due date). After a succession of more grandmother deaths, the student’s skeptical and heartless teachers gather. They calculate that the poor student has claimed a total of seven grandmother deaths this year alone. Rather than showing an ounce of empathy, the callous teachers punish the student who has already suffered such a grief-stricken school year.

47. The Prankster

The prankster’s proverbial trick bag is full to the brim with whoopee cushions, plastic wrap for placing on toilet seats and the mobile number of every teacher in the school. The piece de resistance in the prankster’s oeuvre is their carefully crafted senior prank (muck up day). The prankster devotes more time to this prank than time allotted to studying for their end-of-year exams. This final prank, which involves fire as a central theme, results in the destruction of copious amounts of school property. The police arrive on the scene alongside a local news crew doing a segment as part of their ongoing focus on out-of-control teens. The prankster is banned from attending the school’s graduation ceremony. The school, who never want to see the prankster again, are torn over whether to force them to repeat the year as punishment for their over-the-top prank. The prankster ultimately repeats their final year at another local school that fails to do background checks on new students.

48. The Teacher’s Child

This student has but one simple objective in life- to keep the secret from their fellow students that their parent doubles as the mortal enemy- a teacher at the school. The teacher’s child believes that their life will be irreparably ruined if the other students learn of this information. The teacher parent is forced to take the covenant pinky swearing oath that the student believes has legal bearing. “I hereby swear not to tell anyone that we are related”. There are a string of events that lead to the teacher’s child being outed. 1. The teacher’s child arrives at school one hour before any other student as a product of their daily carpooling with the teacher parent. 2. The teacher’s child conspicuously averts eye contact every time the teacher parent walks by in the schoolyard. 3. The teacher parent and student have near identical looking faces. 4. The teacher parent and student share the same, unique surname.

49. The Fluent Spanish Speaker

Despite speaking flawless Spanish, the fluent Spanish speaker is forced to sit through a tedious beginners-level Spanish class that largely involves watching their classmates attempting to learn how to count to 10. Over the end-of-year holidays, the classmates forget how to count to 10 in Spanish and as the next school year begins, the language teacher again devotes the year on educating them to comprehend these basic numbers. Incidentally, the Spanish teacher knows very little Spanish and mainly teaches Home Economics and PE. They lied on their teaching application form in order to gain employment. No-one at the school knows of the Spanish teacher’s ineptitude at speaking Spanish other than the fluent Spanish speaking student. The Spanish teacher informs the fluent Spanish student that they speak a different regional dialect of Spanish that thwarts any conversing.

50. The Emotionally Mature Student

This student has the mind of a 90-year-old and they find it wildly infuriating dealing with the gamut of immaturities that accompany teenagers. Their favourite pastimes involve rolling their eyes and sighing with derision at the juvenile antics of their peers. The emotionally mature student can relate much more to the teachers than to the students. This student tries their best to spend their lunchtime with the teachers. This involves either: A. Following a teacher around on yard duty, B. Sitting next to the teacher in the classroom and talking about how immature the other students are or C. Hovering outside the staffroom and latching onto teachers when they exit. If the emotionally mature student observes any behaviour by their peers that they deem to be infantile, they will reprimand the offending student. The emotionally mature student has to be regularly reminded that they aren’t a teacher and therefore don’t have the power to hand out detentions.

51. The Essay Outsourcer

The essay outsourcer pays a fee for some person in a third world country, who speaks English as a second language to write their essay. The essay writer learnt English by watching reruns of Jersey Shore, unaware that most English speakers would find the Jersey Shore lexicon rather exotic. As a result, the essay on pre-industrial England has a befuddling writing style with repeated references made to gym, tanning and laundry and a mythical creature named Snooki. The essay outsourcer has considerable amounts of money to spend on a narrow, passing D grade.

52. The Artist

The artist is the proud owner of a set of 200 Derwent pencils that cost a small fortune, summing a total manyfold more than the artist is likely to earn from their artworks in their lifetime. The artist spends every waking moment doodling. Their tongue protrudes sharply from the corner of their mouth as they focus. Any scrap of paper in their vicinity has been tattooed with a collage of drawings swarming together, namely featuring anime characters. The artist hand up their doodles to the teacher. The teacher exclaims, “These are amazing! You have a real natural talent. You definitely deserve an ‘A’…except these drawings were done on your maths test and you didn’t actually answer any of the maths questions so I have to fail you”. The artist is the only person that can accurately pronounce Van Gogh’s name. They also claim to know the true identity of Banksy but they keep this a secret. 

53. The Test Cheater

This student is consistently striving to be one step ahead of the teachers when it comes to cheating at tests. They have tried scribbling the answers on their skin, covered by rolled up sleeves. Notes are written on their smart watch and on the inside of their water bottle’s label. This student has developed a coded method to communicate answers amongst their fellow test takers involving an elaborate system of coughing ala ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire’ style. The test cheater takes toilet breaks every 30 minutes in order to look up the test answers in the text book stashed away in the toilet’s cistern. Additionally, they have contacts in the year levels above who have sat the tests previously. The test cheater knows that a specific teacher provides the same questions every year and thus the test cheater memorises these answers. Post-test, the teacher speaks to the test cheater, “Congratulations, you got perfect marks!….These are the words I would be saying if you had sat last year’s test, however you simply filled in last year’s answers to this year’s new questions”.

54. The Student of Few Words

The student of few words spends the entire school year mute. One day a year, they utter a one-liner that has the entire class rolling around the floor in stitches. They are lauded as a hero for that single day. Their hilarity is short-lived as they again return to muteness for the next 12 months.

55. The Work Avoider

The work avoider spends all school day putting in copious amounts of effort to avoid partaking in anything vaguely resembling work. They conjure up the most creative excuses as to why their assignment wasn’t handed in. After the teacher has reached the end of their tether and the student has claimed that their house was struck by a rare solar flare for the seventh time this month, the work avoider is given a punishment. They are instructed to handwrite 100 lines consisting of the same phrase- ‘I will do my work’. Invariably, they tape 10 pencils together to get the job done faster.

56. The Good Samaritan

The Good Samaritan wakes up before dawn in order to volunteer at the local soup kitchen each morning prior to school starting. Once at school, they harass…ahem, ‘ask’, teachers to donate to the charity de jour. Despite regularly passing out in class, the Good Samaritan insists on partaking in the 40 hour famine on a weekly basis. In what can loosely be described as ‘extortion’, the Good Samaritan has convinced their parents to donate their entire wage to a charity that supplies food to those living below the poverty line. In a remarkable twist, the Good Samaritan’s parents now have little food to eat, live below the poverty line and are eligible for the charity’s handouts.

57. The Rich, Shady Student

The rich and shady student’s parents don’t work yet they live in the most bourgeois house in the suburb. Their property is circumferenced by security cameras and patrolled by a team of Rottweilers. Anytime the rich, shady student is asked about the source of their family’s wealth, they cast a stern glare and quickly change the topic to being unsure about which of their family’s 10 dubiously procured sports cars is their favourite. During a parent-teacher interview, the teacher enquires as to what line of work the parents are involved in. In unison, the parents reply “We run a business”. The teacher continues their line of questioning, asking what they sell. Simultaneously the parents reply with differing answers. The mother claims “confectionery”. The father claims “clothing”. This leads the teacher into thinking that the family sell edible underwear.

58. The Student Who Sleeps During Class.

This student views school as an obstacle to gaining 9 hours of daytime sleep. Five minutes into the lesson, the teacher’s monotone voice droning on about the different types of soils acts as a sleep-inducing panacea that should be marketed to insomniacs. The student dozes off. Whilst the expert student sleeper selects a seat that shields them from the teacher’s line-of-sight, the amateurish sleeper will wear a pair of glasses with crassly printed out eyes stuck on to the lenses to provide the illusion of wakefulness. This disguise will only fool the most inattentive or nearsighted teacher. The student sleeper plays a perpetual game of risk by falling asleep in a room crammed full of bored teenagers. This results in the student sleeper departing the classroom blissfully unaware of their new texta moustache.

59. The Dramatic Lovers

The dramatic lovers live out the plot to the Bold and the Beautiful on a reoccurring, weekly basis. The couple begin the week by acting out graphic displays of affection in the school corridors. When their tongues aren’t down each other’s throats, they are swearing their life-long devotion to one another. By mid-week, both lovers have cheated on each other with the other’s best friend, forming some sort of contorted, love-rhombus. By Friday, every student in the school has sided with one of the lovers in the prelude to an imminent WW3. As the weekend arrives, one lover stalks the other by hiding amongst the bushes in their front yard. By Monday, the couple have reunited and are again hooking up in the schoolyard for all to see. This cycle continues ad nauseam.

60. The Mystic

The mystic arrives at school draped in an array of colourful crystals. Each crystal supposedly provides a different power. Unfortunately for the mystic, none of the crystals provide the ability to think scientifically. The mystic rolls their eyes during science class and engages in an argument with the science teacher over the incorrect definitions of ‘energy force’ and ‘quantum’. The mystic regularly informs the science teacher that astrology is the only true science. After much debate, the science teacher calls the mystic the offensive ‘C’ word- Charlatan. The mystic attributes their continual heated arguments with the science teacher to their incompatible star signs. The mystic is an open-minded Scorpio whilst the science teacher is a fiery, Leo. The mystic’s morning horoscope warns of bad events awaiting them that day. As a result of this ominous foreboding, the mystic stays home. The principal phones the mystic’s parents and the mystic is suspended for skipping school. The horoscope was correct- bad things did happen!

Chooka Parker

Chooka Parker

Chooka James Parker (formerly Ethan James Parker) is a recently turned 17 year old who has amassed a cult like following. He’s gained over 1 million youtube views, has moved the masses to tears and has single-handedly caused a paradigm shift in the field of classical piano. All of this on the back of a single performance on the TV show ‘Australia’s Got Talent.’ Behind the scenes and beneath the moustache, who is the enigmatic child that is Chooka?

Chooka is a product of the diminutive country town of Red Lion, Victoria. With a population of a shade over 300, this appears to be one of those secluded communities that house a population sign that is updated when a local ventures off into the metropolis. Chooka’s prestigious talent will inevitably cause him to ‘minus one’ from Red Lion’s welcome sign as he likely performs on the world stage. As Chooka exclaimed at his ‘Australia’s Got Talent’ maiden performance, pertaining to his home town, “It’s just got an old pub there. Someone’s using it as a house now.”

The name ‘Chooka’ will have the people at the syntax department of the Oxford English Dictionary fuming. Formerly Ethan, this farmhand states “When I was about eleven I think, I wanted to farm a million chooks, so some old lady decided to call me ‘Chooka.’” Chooka was homeschooled and is a fine advertisement of the potential benefits of being raised with no TV or internet. After spending hours working on his family’s farm, he retires to his piano each evening as a leisure activity- A refreshing change from pushy parent syndrome producing musical child prodigies.

His crescent moustache hovers ominously above his upper lip like digits poised aloft a toothy piano. Chooka’s skin radiates with a varnished porcelain veneer, dusky from a lifetime of labour beneath the punishing Australian sun. Stubble, perhaps with more of a semblance to bumfluff, protrudes from his sculptured chin line. An oversized charcoal-black akubra permanently casts a thick shadow across his eyeline, perpetuating this eccentric’s enigmatic expression. Beneath its brim, copper locks cascade freely with a similar texture and entanglement to the fleece that Chooka effortlessly sheers from his family’s sheep. He often sports flannelette or vanilla shirts with elaborate collars reminiscent of the bard. With an exaggerated Aussie country accent, his vernacular is littered with colloquialisms.

When Chooka lopes towards a piano, one senses that two negative magnet ends will rashly repel. As his posterior clunks down onto a wooden frame, his shoulders synchronically arc forward. As his calloused fingertips contact the basswood keys initially, first time Chooka listeners will inevitably cringe until the spectrum of notes in an unbridled manner are released into the heavens. Temporarily, despite the verisimilitude, one ponders whether a Bach CD is releasing such angelic sounds. After marvelling at Chooka’s poetic and spontaneous fingers, the situation becomes vivid- The contradictions, the broken stereotypes, the uniqueness, the impulsiveness. They all amount to a melodic nirvana. With the passion of an Italian footballer, the dissidence of Che Guevara, the incongruousness of a square circle and the aesthetics of a Goddess- Chooka plays the piano.

Piano child prodigies are sparse yet Chooka is a rare breed even within the prodigy cohort. He states, “What I like to do is just make it all up on the spot, play what I feel.” This is doubly impressive as Chooka taught himself to play the piano and read music. “Dad used to teach me drums on an old paint tin. So I’ve always been tapping and Dad eventually said ‘we’ve got to do something about that.’ We bought a piano and I started tapping on the piano and that’s how I learnt piano.” Chooka only plays original pieces and never repeats a performance- some of the greatest compositions ever performed will never be heard again. Despite this, every eclectic yet well-ordered note, every bar that was never written down and each song shall be immortalised in the pantheon of the gods.

Chooka’s occa exterior masquerades a gentle soul, released into the world through the medium for which he will soon be famous. He resembles a morphed product of the fictitious Indiana Jones and a youthful Tom Selleck. This moustached maestro is nonchalant, unassuming and as down to earth as his unpolished boots. As Chooka begins his craft, a chiselled Rodin creation transforms into an animate flame.

The deep iceberg that is Chooka is yet to be fully understood- such is his hasty impression on the public scene however peculiar personal anecdotes have already garnered attention. For instance, after cleaning a companion’s house, Chooka was offered an object remaining within the abode- Chooka chose a Mozart CD. It was 2 years before he obtained a CD player to listen to the CD. He now boasts a collection of hundreds of classical CDs. His recent performance on TV show ‘Australia’s Got Talent’ was his virgin stage performance. He had mainly performed for his family in the past and had only been busking a handful on times in his miniscule town. His family had to borrow a TV to watch Chooka’s audition on the premier episode and as soon as his performance show had concluded, the family reverted back to their standard routine of listening to Chooka manifest music in person.

A literal interpretation of the ultimate line in Frank O’Hara’s ‘The Day Lady Died’ sums up Chooka the best. Chooka… “Whispered a song along the keyboard… and everyone and I stopped breathing.”

Chooka’s first public performance can be viewed below:

An Explanation of Each of the Experiments Within Bem’s ESP Study

A scientific paper by Daryl Bem, a social psychologist, will imminently be published in the prestigious Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. What is significant about this paper is that it supports the case for extra sensory perception (ESP.) The paper also presents data that suggests that humans may be able to predict things before they happen. The paper has passed the peer-review process and has been accepted for publication.                                                                                                                                                                         I am personally a sceptic but also someone who embraces the scientific method. Until these fascinating and perplexing results are consistently replicated, I will still be a sceptic concerning all matters ESP. Despite my own position, I have attempted to present the data from Bem’s paper in an objective manner. It should be emphasised that each of the experiments involved the participants predicting a future event. Below I have explained each individual experiment of Bem’s.

Before the experiments

Prior to the experiments, participants were asked to self evaluate themselves based on two statements. 1. ‘I am easily bored’ and 2. ‘I often enjoy seeing movies I’ve seen before.’ Respondents were asked to rate, based on a 5 point scale, these statements across the spectrum from ‘very untrue’ to ‘very true.’ These questions categorised the participant into either a stimulus seeking group or a non-stimulus seeking group. Several past psi studies have concluded that there is a correlation between extraversion and psi performance. It has been speculated that the extrovert searches for stimulation due to a susceptibility to boredom.

Experiment 1

This first experiment was titled ‘Precognitive Detection of Erotic Stimuli’ and involved 100 Cornell undergraduate students. Prior to the test, each participant undertook relaxation for a 3 minute period. The test commenced with two curtains appearing on the computer screen- one on the left side and one on the right side. At this stage, neither curtain had an image behind it. The participants were instructed to predict which curtain would have an image behind it. This image would appear behind the curtain after the participant recorded their guess. The specific curtain with the image behind it would be selected randomly by the testing apparatus and would be independent of the participants’ choice. In essence this test involved using erotic images in posterity as reinforcement to the participants to correctly perceive the future position of the erotic images themselves. Non-erotic, neutral, positive, negative and romantic (non-erotic) pictures were inter dispersed amongst the erotic pictures.

This first experiment involved a total of 36 trials. The psi hypothesis of this experiment was that the future position of the erotic image would be selected significantly more often than by chance (50%.) It is important to emphasise that this was indeed a test of precognition as the position of the image and the nature of the image were not determined by the computer until after the participant made their guess. This was a test of predicting a future event.

Results

The participants in this first experiment correctly selected the future location of the erotic images ‘significantly’ more frequently’ than the chance 50% rate. Overall, the future position of the erotic images was selected with a 53.1% success rate. This was in contrast to the future location of the non erotic images being chosen with 49.8% accuracy. Those ‘stimulus seeking’ individuals selected the future position of the erotic picture at a rate of 57.6%.This same group selected the future location of non-erotic images 49.9% of the time. The participants who were low in stimulus seeking selected the future location of the erotic image at a 49.9% success rate. They also selected the future position of the non-erotic image with 49.9% success.

Summary of Experiment 1

Step 1: A left and a right curtain are shown.

Step 2: The participants guess which curtain will have an image behind it.

Step 3: A computer randomly selects which curtain will have an image behind it.

Step 4: An image is shown to the participants from behind one of the curtains.

Result: The future position of the erotic images was selected significantly more than the future position of the non-erotic images

Experiment 2

The second experiment was titled ‘Precognitive Avoidance of Negative Stimuli’ and involved 150 undergraduate Cornell students. Before the experiment, each participant was involved in a 3 minute relaxation period. The experiment started with two identical yet mirror image pictures being shown on the computer screen. The participants were asked which picture (or rather which flipped orientation of the picture) they preferred. These pictures were not arousing pictures and were considered to be neutral. Following the participants’ preference selection, the computer randomly chose one of the two images to be the ‘target.’ When the participant chose the future target picture, a positive picture was subliminally flashed on the screen 3 times for an exposure period of 33ms. When the participant chose what the computer randomly determined to be the non-target picture, an arousing negative picture was subliminally flashed on the screen 3 times for a period of 33ms.

This experiment involved 36 trials. A ‘hit’ was considered to be selecting the future target which consequentially made the participant avoid the subliminal, negative picture. The hypothesis for this experiment was that the participants would select what would be the future target on significantly more than 50% of the trials. It must be emphasised that the computer determined the ‘target’ after the participant chose their picture and this was independent from the participants’ choice.

Results

Four different methods were used to analyse the results due to the nature of the experiment. Overall, the target was predicted by the participants on 51.7% of occasions. This was a ‘significant psi performance.’ The hit rate of low stimulus seekers was between 50.7% and 50.8%. This contrasted the hit rate of high stimulus seekers which was between 53.5% and 53.6%.

Summary of Experiment 2

Step 1: Two identical mirror image pictures are shown to the participants

Step 2: The participants select which image they prefer

Step 3: The computer randomly selects one of the two images

Step 4: If the computer selected image matches the participant selected image, then a positive picture is subliminally flashed on the screen

Step 5: If the computer selected image is different from the participant selected image, then a negative image is subliminally flashed on the screen.

Result: The future computer selected image was selected by the participants significantly more than the non-computer selected image

Experiment 3

In order to understand this experiment, it is important to be aware of psychological priming experiments. These experiments involve a positive or negative word flashing up on the screen. This is followed by a picture appearing on the screen. Participants are asked to judge as quickly as possible whether the image is a positive or negative image. Generally, respondents respond quicker if the original word on the screen is of the same nature as the image on the screen. For instance, if both the word and the image are positive, then participants will generally respond quicker than if the word is negative and the image is positive. If the word and the image are of the same nature, it is known as a ‘congruent trial.’ If the word and image are of different natures, then it is known as an incongruent trial.

The third experiment was titled ‘Retroactive Priming I’ and involved 100 Cornell undergraduates. Prior to the experiment, participants experienced a 3 minute relaxation period. The experiment was divided into two sections- the retroactive priming trial and the forward priming trial. The retroactive priming trial involved each participant being shown an image on their computer screen. The participants then had to indicate as quickly as possible whether the image was ‘pleasant’ or ‘unpleasant.’ Following their selection, a word would flash up on the screen. This word would be randomly selected by the computer after the participant had indicated the nature of the image. This word would either be a positive word such as ‘beautiful’ or a negative word such as ‘ugly.’ This first part of the experiment (retroactive priming) involved 32 trials.

The second part of the experiment featured the forward priming aspect. This involved the standard priming procedure during which a positive or negative word was flashed on the screen and then the appearance of an image. The participants then answered as quickly as possible whether the image was pleasant or not. This forward priming part of the experiment also featured 32 trials. In both portions of this third experiment, the participants’ response times were being measured and were of merit.

Results

Several methods were used in this study to analyse the response times. These methods are standard priming analysis methods were not post hoc methods used by the study authors. This first analysis method involved a 1.5 second cut off criteria (this excluded those trials in which the participant took longer than 1.5 seconds to select the nature of the image.) Using this method on the forward primes, the participants were 23.6 ms faster at answering congruent trials than incongruent trials. This is a typical priming result. The same method used on the retroactive primes yielded the result that the participants were 15.0 ms faster at responding to future congruent trials than future incongruent trials.

Using the 1.5 second cut off method, 64.9% of participants were faster at congruent forward priming as opposed to incongruent priming. 60.8% of participants were faster at congruent retroactive priming as opposed to incongruent retroactive priming. The individuals’ stimulus seeking level did not correlate with higher priming scores in either the forward or retroactive experiments.

Summary of Experiment 3

First Part of the experiment

Step 1: A pleasant or an unpleasant image is shown to the participant

Step 2: The participant indicates as quickly as possible whether the image is pleasant or unpleasant

Step 3: The computer randomly selects a negative or positive word and flashes it on the screen.

Result: Participants were significantly faster at indicating whether an image was pleasant or unpleasant if a corresponding (negative or positive) word was later shown to them.

Second part of the experiment

Step 1: The computer randomly selects a negative or positive word and flashes it on the screen

Step 2: A pleasant or an unpleasant image is shown to the participant

Step 3: The participant indicates as quickly as possible whether the image is pleasant or unpleasant

Result: Participants were significantly faster at determining whether an image was pleasant or unpleasant if a corresponding word (positive or negative) was shown before the image.

Experiment 4

The fourth experiment was titled ‘Retroactive Priming II’ and included 100 undergraduates for Cornell. This experiment was almost identical to experiment 3 with only one major and two minor differences. The minor differences involved slight changes to the length of time certain parts of the experiment appeared on the participants’ computers. The major difference involved the pairings of the words with their appropriate picture. In experiment 3, the word that appeared before or after each picture (depending on the part of the experiment) was random and didn’t necessarily have a specific relation to the picture. For instance, in experiment 3, a basket of fruit could have been shown and the priming word accompanying the basket of fruit could have been a random word such as one of; beautiful, ugly, friendly, threatening etc. In experiment 4, the priming word was appropriately paired to the image. For instance, the basket of fruit could have had only the positive priming word ‘luscious’ or negative priming word ‘bitter’ appearing before or after it. In this experiment (number 4) the computer randomly selected either the one negative priming word or one positive priming word to accompany each image. Other than these changes, experiment 4 was a replication of experiment 3.

Results

The results of this experiment were very similar to the results of experiment 3. Using the 1.5 second cut off criteria, the forward priming experiment resulted in participants being on average 27.4 ms faster on congruent primes than on incongruent primes. Using the same method, the retroactive priming experiment showed that the participants were 16.5 ms faster at answering congruent primes as opposed to incongruent primes. Like experiment 3, there was no correlation between being a stimulus seeking individual and the priming effect for either the forward or retroactive experiments.

Summary of Experiment 4

First Part of the experiment

Step 1: A pleasant or an unpleasant image is shown to the participant

Step 2: The participant indicates as quickly as possible whether the image is pleasant or unpleasant

Step 3: The computer randomly selects a negative or positive word that matches the image and flashes it on the screen. For instance a basket of fruit would match either luscious (positive) or bitter (negative.)

Result: Participants were significantly faster at indicating whether an image was pleasant or unpleasant if a corresponding (negative or positive) word was later shown to them.

Second part of the experiment

Step 1: The computer randomly selects a negative or positive word that matches the image and flashes it on the screen

Step 2: A pleasant or an unpleasant image is shown to the participant

Step 3: The participant indicates as quickly as possible whether the image is pleasant or unpleasant

Result: Participants were significantly faster at determining whether an image was pleasant or unpleasant if a corresponding word (positive or negative) was shown before the image.

Experiment 5

In order to understand experiment 5, it is imperative to understand what a standard ‘mere-exposure experiment’ entails. A mere-exposure experiment begins with a participant being shown a picture subliminally by it appearing on a screen for a short period of time at regular intervals. This image is known as the ‘habituation target.’ Following the exposure to the subliminal habituation target, two very similar pictures are shown on the screen statically and side by side. One of these pictures is the habituation target and the other is a similar picture to the habituation target.

The fifth experiment was titled ‘Retroactive Habituation I’ and included 100 Cornell undergraduates. Prior to the experiment, the participants were subject to a 3 minute relaxation period. This fifth experiment was a retroactive version of the aforementioned mere-exposure experiment. The participants in experiment 5 were shown two similar and static images that appeared on their computer screen side by side. They were asked to indicate which picture they preferred. After the participant selected the preferred picture, the computer randomly selected one of the two pictures that was now the habitation target. This habituation target was then flashed subliminally on the screen several times for a 17ms period.

Experiment 5 featured only negative pairs of images as well as neutral control images. The retroactive hypothesis was that the study participants would prefer and hence select what would in the future be randomly deemed the target image on more than 50% of occurrences.

Results

When negative picture pairs were shown (as opposed to the neutral and control pairs) the participants selected and hence preferred what would be the future target 53.1% of the time, which constitutes a significant result. Women selected the future target picture 53.6% of the time while men achieved this feat on 52.4% of occasions. The neutral and control pair targets were selected 49.4% of the time.

Summary of Experiment 5    

Step 1: Two similar images appear on the computer screen next to each other (either 2 negative pictures or 2 neutral pictures)

Step 2: The participants select which image they prefer

Step 3: The computer randomly selects one of the two pictures and flashes this image on the screen subliminally

Result: The participants selected the same negative image (from a pair of negative images) that the computer would randomly select significantly more than the same neutral image (out of a pair of neutral images) that the computer would select.

Experiment 6

Experiment 6, titled ‘Retroactive Habituation II’ was identical to experiment 5 except for 1 major and 2 minor changes. The major change involved the introduction of an erotic image pair trial. This changed the retroactive hypothesis to predict that participants would prefer the target picture on less than 50% of erotic trials. This was due to an erotic positive image being involved as opposed to experiment 5’s negative image. The first of the 2 minor changes involved an improvement on experiment 5 by determining if any image, comprising a pair had been preferred frequently. Consequentially, frequently selected images as part of pairs from experiment 5 were replaced with new images. The second minor change involved the introduction of gender specific negative and erotic images.

Results

Both of the retroactive hypotheses held up. The negative image aspect of experiment 6 resulted in 51.8% of participants retroactively selecting and hence preferring the future target image. The erotic image aspect of the retroactive study had a hypothesis that less than 50% of target images would be preferred. This hypothesis was fulfilled as 48.2% of target images were selected. The neutral, control target images were selected on 49.3% of occasions.

Summary of Experiment 6

Step 1: Two similar images appear on the computer screen next to each other (either 2 erotic pictures, 2 negative pictures or 2 neutral pictures)

Step 2: The participants select which image they prefer out of the two similar images

Step 3: The computer randomly selects one of the two pictures and flashes this image on the screen subliminally

Result: The participants selected the same negative image (from a pair of negative images) that the computer would randomly select significantly more than the same neutral image (out of a pair of neutral images) that the computer would select. The participants selected the same erotic image (from a pair or erotic images) that the computer would randomly select significantly less than the same neutral image (out of a pair of neutral images) that the computer would select.

Experiment 7

The seventh experiment was titled ‘Retroactive Induction of Boredom’ and included 200 Cornell undergraduates. Prior to the test, participants undertook relaxation for a 3 minute period. This seventh experiment involved two similar pictures appearing side by side on the participants’ computer screens. These image pairs ranged from mildly negative to mildly positive. The participants were asked to specify which image they preferred. After the selection was made, the computer randomly chose one of the images as the ‘target.’ This image was then flashed on the computer screen. Unlike the previous experiments, the image was flashed in such a manner as to make the participant conscious of the image being flashed. This flashing process involved the image being visible (and filling the entire screen) for a period of 0.75 seconds followed by a blank screen lasting for 0.25 seconds. This flashing process was repeated 10 times. Each participant partook in 24 trials of experiment 7.

The hypothesis for this experiment was that those participants within the high stimulus seeking group (which was also the high boredom prone group) would get bored of the same mildly positive and mild negative images and hence show a significant degree of dislike for the retroactive target image. This test design was based on a peripheral result from experiment 6- a result that suggested retroactive boredom may be due to repeated neutral stimuli.

Results

Due to the nature of this test, the hypothesis was that a target image selection percentage would be significantly less than 50%. Overall, across all participants, the hit rate was below 50% but not significantly. 49.1% of sessions involved the selection of the eventual target image. The participants who were deemed as high in stimulus seeking achieved a hit rate of 47.9% which was a significant result. The remaining participants achieved a hit rate of 50.1%.

Summary of Experiment 7

Step 1: Two similar images appear side by side on the participants computer screen

Step 2: The participant selects which of the two images they prefer

Step 3: The computer randomly selects one of the two images and flashes it on the computer screen in a manner that the participant is conscious of the image

Result: There was no significant difference between participants selecting the same image that the computer would select or selecting the image that the computer wouldn’t select.

Experiment 8

The eighth experiment was called ‘Retroactive Facilitation of Recall I’ and included 100 Cornell undergraduates. Prior to beginning the test, the participants undertook the standard 3 minute relaxation process. The experiment began with participants being shown a common noun for a period of 3 seconds. This process was repeated 47 times making the number of words each participant saw total 48. The participants were asked to visualise the physical manifestation of each word when each word appeared on the screen. It should be noted that the words came from 4 different categories; foods, animals, occupations and clothes. After the 48 words were shown, the participants completed a recall test during which they had to type all of the words that they could remember (regardless of order.)

Following the recall aspect of the test, the retroactive aspect of the experiment began. This involved the computer randomly selecting 6 words from each of the 4 categories (this was a random selection made from the 48 words on the original list.) The 6 words from the first category then appeared on the screen and the participants had to retype these words in an empty slot. This task was repeated for all 4 categories. In total, the participant had to type each of the 24 words. These 24 words were known as practice words.

   Results

Due to the nature of experiment 8, the results constitute a different format to the previous 7 experiments. All of the previous experiments involved a result figure in the 0% to 100% range, with 50% being chance. Experiment 8 involved a range from       -100% to 100%, with 0% being the chance score. A positive percentage shows that more practice words (the 24 words shown to the participants which they had to type out after they took the test) were recalled than non-practice words. The average score for all trials was 2.27%. This score supports the hypothesis that practicing a set of words after completing the test improves the ability to recall words in the original test. Those in the high stimulus seeking group scored a mean of 6.46%. This was compared to those in the low stimulus seeking group scoring at the chance level of -0.90%.

Summary of Experiment 8

Step 1: A word (a common noun) appears on the participant’s screen for 3 seconds

CAT

Step 2: This occurs with another 47 words

Step 3: The participant has to recall as many words as possible by writing them down (with no regard for their order.)

Step 4: The computer randomly selects 24 of the 48 words- these 24 words are known as practice words

Step 5: The 24 practice words appear on the participant’s screen and the participant types them out in an empty slot.

Result: The randomly selected practice words were recalled by the participant significantly more accurately than the non-practice words. This was despite the participant only dealing with the practice words after the recall test.

Experiment 9

The ninth and final experiment was titled ‘Retroactive Facilitation of Recall II’ and was almost identical to experiment 8. 50 Cornell undergraduates participated in this experiment. The only change to experiment 8 was the addition of a new practice exercise immediately following the recall test. This exercise involved the participants being shown a random selection of 24 of the 48 words. These 24 words comprised 6 from each of the 4 categories; food, animals, occupation and clothing. Each of these practice words was shown for a period of 3 seconds. The 6 food words were shown first (one by one) followed by the 6 animal words, the 6 occupation words and finally the 6 clothing words. It should be noted that this exercise of showing the participants the 24 practice words occurred after the participants tried to recall as many words as possible from the original list of 48 words that they were shown.

Results

Like experiment 8, the results from this experiment fall into the range from -100% to 100% with 0% being a change score. A significant positive score supports the hypothesis of retroactive recall. Overall, the mean score was 4.21% which was a significant result and supports the hypothesis that showing words after a recall test, enhances the recall of words in the original test itself. There was no significant difference between those participants who were high in stimulus seeking and low in stimulus seeking. High stimulus seeking participants achieved a mean score of 4.47% and those who were low in stimulus seeking scored a mean score of 4.09%.

Summary of Experiment 9

Step 1: A word (a common noun) appears on the participant’s screen for 3 seconds

DOG

Step 2: This occurs with another 47 words

Step 3: The participant has to recall as many words as possible by writing them down (with no regard for their order.)

Step 4: The computer randomly selects 24 of the 48 words- these 24 words are known as practice words

Step 5: The 24 practice words appear one by one on the participant’s screen for a period of 3 seconds

Step 6: The 24 practice words appear on the participant’s screen and the participant types them out in an empty slot.

Result: The randomly selected practice words were recalled by the participant significantly more accurately than the non-practice words. This was despite the participant only dealing with the practice words after the recall test.

Impossible Colours

Some people can see the colour blue-yellow if they try and cross their eyes and make the plus signs line up. This is a pseudo colour and really patchwork comprising yellow and blue

 

I came across an interesting article today on Wikipedia about “impossible colours.”

The article can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impossible_colors

An equally as interesting article about on Wikipedia about “imaginary colours” can be found here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Imaginary_color

After reading these article, I began to recall a seemingly unrelated philosophical problem called the ‘Molyneux’s Problem.’ This is essentially: “If a man born blind can feel the differences between shapes such as spheres and cubes, could he similarly distinguish those objects by sight if given the ability to see.”

Combining these articles, I wonder if a blind man who has been born blind can imagine colour. Is this analogous to people with normal vision trying to imagine impossible or imaginary colours?

 

 

 

Vegemite Cheesybite

Vegemite Cheesybite may well be the name we will vote for.

Go to www.vegemite.com.au to vote for the name to replace iSnack 2.0. The list of names are

  1. VEGEMITE CHEESYBITE
  2. VEGEMITE CREAMYMATE
  3. VEGEMITE SMOOTH
  4. VEGEMITE SNACKMATE
  5. VEGEMITE VEGEMATE
  6. VEGEMITE VEGEMILD

The new name will be revealed on the 7th of October. I personally find this list of names rather conservative and bland however maybe this is only in contrast to the name iSnack 2.0. This list of names are what I would have expected the new Vegemite to have been called originally, before they asked for public suggestions

Preliminary results from a non-official poll suggest the public are favouring the names cheesybite and vegemate. This poll can be found here Herald Sun vegemite poll 

I suspect that the name to replace iSnack 2.0 will be cheesybite.

iSnack….. 3.0

People power has spoken, Kraft have decided to rename iSnack 2.0 after thousands of complaints over the ridiculous name. The cheesy vegemite will now be named based upon a popularity vote. Kraft will distribute the jars labelled iSnack 2.0 to supermarkets until the new name is chosen, a decision that is expected to take months. The management at Kraft will be literally ‘licking their lips’ at the prospect of more publicity about iSnack 2.0’s replacement name.

Two theories of thought exist over the renaming of iSnack 2.0.

  1. The name iSnack 2.0 was chosen knowing that it was a ridiculous name that would cause controversy. The resultant excessive media coverage and renaming of iSnack 2.0 was all pre-planned.
  2. The name iSnack 2.0 was chosen in ignorance. The renaming of iSnack 2.0 was not planned and only occurred after the public and media backlash.

I tend to support theory number 2. Kraft is known as a fairly conservative company and would have entered uncharted waters with a potential consumer minefield if found out to have engaged in theory 1. The advertising agency that Kraft hired to spearhead the vegemite “name me” campaign only had a say in ‘how’ to name the new product, not ‘what.’ They decided to call on an Australia wide “name me” competition. This was a reasonable and intelligent marketing idea. The marketing company did not have a say in what name Kraft ended up choosing. This tends to signify to me that an out-of-touch, grey-haired, ivory-tower positioned, corporate chose the name iSnack 2.0 out of the thousands of entries. The name was singled out as an attempt to crack into the youth market and has ‘old corporate’ trying to break into the youth market without much knowledge written all over it. 

I suspect that vegemite will put a link on their website in the coming days to vote on the new name. Although this is speculative, I believe after a month or two, the name with the highest number of votes will be the replacement for iSnack 2.0. Many months ago, Australia had to vote on which Australian landmarks would become properties in the new Australian Monopoly. From memory, someone hacked into the website and did thousands of phantom votes for South Australian landmarks. I think a possible and humorous albeit farfetched conclusion to the new vegemite vote would be if this occurred again and iSnack 2.0 won the “popular” vote.

I ended up tasting iSnack 2.0 today for the first time and didn’t find the flavour too different from the traditional vegemite. It has a similar texture and colour to nutella and is weaker tasting than vegemite. The added cheese was also hard to detect. In conclusion the Australian public look to be ‘happy little vegemites’ once again.

iSnack 2.0

The name of the new Vegemite was revealed today during quarter time of the AFL Grand Final. The winning name was “iSnack 2.0” 

The name “iSnack 2.0”

Out of over 35,000 competition entries, for some bizarre reason that completely alludes me, the name “iSnack 2.0” was chosen. I can hardly imagine that this name will catch on and I believe Kraft have made a mistake by choosing this name to represent the new vegemite. The name is not catchy or easy to say and does nothing to represent the cheese element of the vegemite. Looking through the vegemite website at the other name suggestions, I can find hundred that I prefer to iSnack 2.0, all of which are catchy, easy to say and not overly contrived. The real test will come when the Aussie consumers start referring to the new vegemite product and writing it on shopping lists. I imagine that it will mainly be referred to as the “new vegemite” or the “cheesy vegemite.” I expect that if people do refer to the new name, it will be abbreviated to “iSnack.”

 This is what the name means:

i=intenet. Referring to the Kraft “name me” competition launched online on the 13th of July 2009. The objective was to come up with a name for the new vegemite.

Snack= Obviously referring to vegemite being a snack.

2.0= In computer terms, 2.0 refers to a second version of something such as a program. iSnack 2.0 is hence the second version of  the original vegemite.

Vegemite state that they asked people how they eat their vegemite and they said “I snack” hence the name iSnack.

The new vegemite, iSnack 2.0 is a combination of the traditional vegemite as well as a cream cheese spread. It is less salty than the original vegemite and also has the benefit of being easier to spread.

Regardless of the name iSnack 2.0, vegemite are on a winner with the amount of competition entries and discussion regarding their new product. It looks like the name will hardly stop all of the sales. In conclusion, the name “iSnack 2.0” is rather cheesy…..just like the product itself.

Update: Kraft are going to change the name of iSnack 2.0, to read my thoughts:https://somerandomstuff1.wordpress.com/2009/09/30/isnack-3-0/

Trivia Galore!

If you are ever browsing the internet, with little idea what to do next, I recommend making a visit to http://www.funtrivia.com/

It is at first glance a normal trivia website however it is much, much more than this.  It contains over 1 million trivia questions, has over 1.6 million registered members and over 6 million guests have made a visit to the website.

Some of the features of Funtrivia

  • It is the largest trivia website on the internet
  • It is free ( there are some quizzes that you can’t do without becoming a gold member however these are minimal
  • You can compare your trivia knowledge to those around your state, country or indeed the world. Most quizzes you do will give you a ranking to compare you trivia skill against others
  • You can create quizzes that other people can take
  • Every hour the feature games are refreshed, such as the tricky trivia, speed trivia, word trivia and mixed trivia
  • A ‘global-challenge’ tournament runs for several months that is highly competitive
  • A treasure hunt, where you must follow the clues over a few weeks or months to find the treasure
  • You can join a team and socialize on one of the chat boards
  • A broad range of categories to cater for a diverse range of specialist trivia topics

 I find that it helps to be a quick thinker with the majority of the quizzes as they are timed. You lose points for the longer you take to answer and the more questions that you get wrong.

I have scored approximately 500,000 points to date,  am on level 52 and have 10 ‘who’s the expert’ victories. Although I have become quite obsessed with this trivia website in the past, I haven’t played it for over a year. Despite this I recommend all lovers of trivia play at www.funtrivia.com

How Derren Brown Revealed The Lottery Numbers- A Likely Explanation

On September the 9th 2009, an English illusionist, Derren Brown predicted what numbers would be drawn in the ‘National Lottery.’ This event was broadcast live on channel 4 while BBC One broadcast the ‘National Lotttery.’ A video showing the simultaneous broadcastings can be found here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmxua_V1AcM

On first viewing, this feat of predicting the lottery numbers may seem highly remarkable and genuine. I will set out a likely explanation of how Derren Brown predicted the lottery numbers based on subtle clues that I have picked up from viewing the clip.

How Derren Brown Revealed The Lottery Numbers- A Likely Explanation.

The Second Camera

As Derren Brown walks into the studio he refers to the second and distant camera that is also filming him. A few quick cuts to this camera show that from the second camera point-of-view, only Brown and another cameraman are in the studio. The second camera then cuts back to the original camera.

What really happened?

This footage up to 1.11 minutes is all pre-recorded. Both the initial close-up camera 1 footage and also the distant camera 2 footage. Once Camera 2 cuts back to camera 1 at 1.11 minutes, we see Derren Brown for the first time live on the night. This technique means we actually have no idea who or what is behind the now fixed camera. It also means that the camera used for the rest of the footage can be on a tripod or other form of machinery and not necessarily held on a cameraman’s shoulder.

Brown made the error of only using the distant camera for 2 shots lasting only a matter of 2 or 3 seconds in total from camera 2. This seems rather superfluous and would have been more convincing if camera 2 was more involved to hide the change from a moving camera to a stationary camera. This of course could not happen as it would give away the use of the split screen.

The Split Screen

At 1.11 minutes, Brown uses only the close up stationary camera to film him. At 1.55 minutes, he moves away from the rack holding the ‘predicted numbers’ to the far side of the television. From this time to 6.16 minutes, he stays on the far side of the television, well to the right of the screen. Any vertical line could be used as a cut off between the left (from our point of view) edge of the television to the right (from our point of view) edge of the rack. Brown does not cross this area from 1.55 minutes to 6.16 minutes. At any stage within this time frame, the left part of the screen was changed to a pre-recorded footage of the rack and indeed left part of the screen. This is technologically quite simple to do and the technical workers at channel 4 have more than the appropriate technology to employ the use of a split screen. On the set, during this period, someone could stand in front of the rack and we would not be able to see them. We would instead be viewing the pre-recorded footage of the rack by itself.

As the numbers were being revealed on the BBC One coverage of the lottery, Brown’s assistant was placing the correct numbers into the rack and removing the other white balls. At around 6 minutes when Brown is talking about not needing the bonus 7th ball, the split screen function is taken off and we see what is actually in front of the camera. Brown then walks over to the rack and turns it around to reveal the correct numbers that had been placed by his assistant.

 The leftmost ball

It is reasonable to think that the split screen function was taken off at approximately 6 minutes, due to the left most ball in the rack (number 39) being raised. If you look at the leftmost ball before 5.50 minutes and after 6 minutes, you will notice this. This can be seen at http://img11.imageshack.us/img11/2002/54595550.png

The reason that number 39 is now higher is that Brown’s assistant failed to put the ball in correctly and when the split screen function was taken off it thus appeared higher. The close up shot towards the end of the clip also shows how ball 39 is raised higher than the other balls.

 The shaking camera

Something of note throughout the entire footage is the shakiness of the camerawork. Originally, the shakiness of the camerawork seems to debunk the split screen theory. This is in fact not the case and the shaking camerawork makes a stronger case for the split screen theory. There are two methods that Brown could have used to still make the split screen technique possible with the camera shakiness. The first of these methods is having the stationary camera filming as normal on a tripod (as mentioned above) and then adding in the wobbling effect afterwards. This would mean that one of the channel 4 computer/technical workers simply added this effect as a computer program. They would have filmed the left part of the screen containing the rack with a stationary camera. The technicians would have essentially combined the two halves filmed stationary and added the wobbly effect afterwards. This would make the screen appear to viewers to shake.

The second method to explain the shaking camera is less likely however still plausible if the first method wasn’t used for some reason. This second method involves the camera actually shaking due to some sort of mechanical contraption. The left part of the screen would have also been filmed using the shaking mechanical contraption and as long as both the left and right parts of the screen had the same calibration of the shakiness, they could be joined together using the split screen method to make it appear that the entire screen was shaking in sync.

It must be asked why Brown and his team would go to so much trouble to employ one of the above  wobbly camerawork techniques. To find this answer it is worth considering what the ‘predicting lottery’ video would look like with just normal stationary camerawork. The video would appear to be so obviously using split screen. The shakiness camerawork technique is intended to throw off those split screen theorists.

Further Split Screen Clues

Brown stands on the other side of the screen from the rack for over 5 minutes. It looks quite aesthetically strange to have Brown strand as far away as possible from the rack. This was used so the split screen technique could be employed.

If an illusionist insists on having an empty studio, with no audience, one should immediately suspect either camera trickery or some sort of angle tricky. Brown explains his empty studio on the following reasons: “For security reasons and so that nobody else benefits from what I am doing here.” Let us consider this quote in two ways, if his predicting of lottery numbers was genuine and if it was an illusion. Firstly if it was genuine, then being psychic hardly involves security reasons as hundreds of people who claim to be psychic all perform in front of an audience. Assuming he did have the lottery numbers, no-one would benefit from them as they were revealed after the draw. Also sales of this specific lottery ticket closed over 2 hours before the draw took place.

Let us now consider this quote assuming he is an illusionist. “For security reasons and so that nobody else benefits from what I am doing here.” It becomes evident that these are merely cover up reasons to avoid the questions of why the audience is empty. The audience is indeed empty so the split screen technique can be used.

After the draw, Brown spends quite a significant amount of time using rhetoric and writing the numbers down on his white board. These techniques were used to maximize the time for his assistant to place the correct numbers in the rack, obscured by the split screen. It was unnecessary to have this delay. Brown could have written the numbers down as the draw was happening or could have referred to them on the television next to him, i.e. paused it. The reason that he made the unnecessary and rather drawn out rhetoric and copying of numbers was to allow his assistant maximum time to place the correct lottery numbers in the rack.

Further Interesting happenings

Brown uses the general illusionist techniques of misdirection and rhetoric throughout the video. These keep the audience entertained, avoid the home-viewer audience asking questions, convince the audience of the validity of what he is doing and provide a pseudo-mechanism for the ‘predicting lottery number’ technique.

Brown says “I am being told there is about 30 seconds before we can turn the television on,” at another stage “I think, we are out of time, I think we have got to go, thank you” and at another time “We can turn the TV on, we can turn the TV on.” These quotes imply that there is a stage manager directing the telecast from behind the camera. Earlier in the video he claims that only Brown himself and the two cameramen are in the studio. He is also not wearing an earpiece. One must therefore conclude that either the cameramen are highly skilled and able to film and manage all the times of the broadcast and lottery draw or a stage manager is present.

When Brown turns the TV on, there is a 9 second gap from him pressing the ‘on’ button on the TV to the TV turning on. He exclaims, “It will come on in a second….It will warm up in a second.” This 9 second delay seems to indicate that one of the behind the scenes technicians remotely turned the TV on, however not on Brown’s cue.  

Conclusion

The above reasons all make it highly likely that Derren Brown used the split screen technique while filming the Lottery Predictions show. The technicians at channel 4 used software that made it appear that the camera was shaking. Brown therefore lacks any psychic powers or advanced levels of ‘deep mathematics’ as he claims. In fact when the lottery jackpot was presented on screen, Brown said “There’s the lottery jackpot there two thousand, two million rather, four hundred thousand pounds.” I think the only jackpot featured in the broadcast was Brown himself.