“Joe”ing Again….

Posted on by Dwayne
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Well I’m at it again, I stopped again during my morning walk for a cup of Starbucks coffee, I’m ‘joe’ing again.

Whether this will become a regular stop of mine, part of my routine, is yet to be seen.  I can say it’s a nice break but at $3 bucks a pop for a grande Americano I need to give it some serious thought.  Being that I’m a man of leisure now, a retired person, it begs the question as to if this is where I should be spending my “hard” earned cash.  I tell myself when I reach the Starbucks Gold status I’ll stop.  After all isn’t that what all addicts say?

It also provides me some socialization which is another good thing for those of us that are aged and perhaps infirm.  While I don’t really consider myself aged OR infirm I believe the socialization aspect applies equally to anyone who by their circumstances may not get out much.

That could apply to me, the not getting out much.  I have many interests, perhaps too many as my ongoing challenge is to equally divide my time among them.  Maybe not even equally, just apportioning “some” time to each.  This is part of my ongoing effort to find balance.

20121018-125055.jpgOne thing the morning walk (not the coffee) does give me is an opportunity to see what’s going around me, the beauty of nature and life’s goings on.  I’ve commented on this before and it’s no less true now, we are surrounded by beauty and awesomeness.  I am so grateful, perhaps I need to comment on what I’m grateful in my posts, much like I did in my “Morning pages”.

That’s another thing on my “list”, get back to writing in my journal.  So many things, so little time.  Help me please.

Where do I begin?

Posted on by Dwayne

It was an eventful day yesterday, running the gamut from dealing with Dad’s care, to full-on socializing, and being on the listening end of a full on bitch session regarding work.  By the end I felt beat-up and somewhat overwhelmed.

Dads doctor called in the afternoon, the results had come back from his blood work and his INR (International Normalized Ratio) was too low.  Essentially the INR is a measurement of the effectiveness of blood thinning drugs, in this case Warfarin.  If I understand correctly the low results indicate his blood has a slightly lower ability to clot.  In itself not too serious but the potential is there if left unmonitored or treated.  So between the doctors office and myself we got his dosage increased for a couple days and a further blood test this Friday.  The bus at the home will take him down to the blood clinic and he can get re-checked.  I have to say I’m a bit sceptical of this process, the whole “let him take the bus” routine, I see it having the potential for him either getting lost or missing the bus back, something that will require extra attention.  Call me a cynic, I just don’t feel all warm and fuzzy about it.

Next phase was visiting with Bruce, who was in town to do his service, so we were able to sit and have a couple scotches before going to dinner.  Unfortunately we didn’t get to commiserate as long as I’d hoped, nor about more interesting topics as Wally came with us and while he is generally fine to be with today he wasn’t so much.

He must’ve been feeling especially frustrated because when he began talking about work and how things were going the torrent of verbal distress came forth.  It pretty much dominated the conversation after that and by the time dinner was over I felt anxious and depressed.  Doesn’t really have a lot to do with me directly but Wally was hired to replace me and he’s having some challenges on the job himself.  Personal reasons have driven him to hand in his notice and he only has another week or so before he leaves.  I’m sure the work issues have impacted his decision in no small way as well, end result is he’s going after being there only a year or so, and no replacement has been selected that I know.

Bottom line when I got home I disgorged to Mo somewhat myself, poor thing.  I’m having some challenges getting my head around all the issues, both personal and work.  I’m sure it will come together, it’ll just take some time.

To adapt, or not to adapt, That is the question.

Posted on by Dwayne

I’m looking forward to the weekend, and it’s only hours away now.  We are camping about 20 min. away and I’ve been commuting to/from work.  It’s not as bad as I thought, the drive is quite relaxing and doesn’t take long.  I should be using the time to think deep thoughts but not much of that has come to me lately.  I must be slightly “out of sync” with the cosmic forces.

We will stay until Sunday or Monday being that Monday is a stat, and if the weather holds.  Family has been invited out on Saturday for a bar-b-que, hopefully a low key event.  I”m not much for get-togethers, my non-social side wins out in that regard.  I say non-social because I’m not against the socializing, it’s just something that I don’t often want to get involved with.  Little of the conversations stimulate or interest me and if I try to put on much of a happy face I find it very draining.  Gloria said it may be because in circumstances like that I am adapting to the situation, and it’s the effort to adapt that tires me out.  As a result I’ll often have some alcohol to chill me out, perhaps not the most appropriate response but effective.

G’s visit- Word for the day is Adapting, I do it all the time

Posted on by Dwayne

It appears that keeping up the posts is a bigger challenge than I’ve anticipated, maintaining a schedule should not be too hard even though I can’t seem to achieve it.

I’m just waiting now for my appt with Gloria, don’t really know what we’ll chat about and I hope it will be fruitful.

One of my frustrations is continual procrastination, and I have a book on the topic and inevitably I continue putting off reading it.  There’s something in that statement I think.  I’ll have to resurrect it I think, and in fact at one point I thought I threw it out.

We could talk more about family issues too, either the mother/daughter dynamics, my annoyance with Mo’s sister, or perhaps my Dad and the issues around him.  Likely that will come up. I think my most relative emotion there will be guilt, for not being there for him and also for not wanting to be.  That’s likely the kicker.
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After visit with Gloria:

Much of the above was discussed. And….

  • possible visit with Tracy
  • visiting/socializing with others, and likely work itself, require I “adapt”.  Hearing it expressed that way opened my eyes.
  • I shouldn’t feel guilty about my taking time away from Dad care, and asking for help
  • I’m doing well in setting boundaries when it comes to socializing, in camping and at home.  Ties in with the adapting theme.
  • we talked about what gifted means, about seeing connections between things that others don’t see, or seeing them sooner.  How I/we see or perceive more things around us, are sensitive to more sensory input (my words).
  • I talked of how I feel as if I’m seen as a good listener, a trusted confidant, a wise soul, and how that can drain me, taking in others troubles with no one to talk to myself.  I now talk to Gloria of course but ultimately a peer or someone of like mind, someone I can relate to on the same level, would be preferable.  She suggests hat will likely come.
  • we talked of this blog and the direction it has, and perhaps should, take. How I want to open up but at the same time are afraid of sharing too much.

I enjoy the chats when we do get into it, the nugget this week was my “adapting” to certain circumstances, a strength but something to be aware of so as not to overdo it.  I adapt when in social circumstances, I adapt in my job, I adapt in areas which are somewhat outside my comfort zone.  The act of adapting requires the expending of energy, putting up a “persona” of sorts, possibly a forcefield on occasion.

What I want to know is why can’t I come up with this shit on my own?  I’m supposed to be a bright guy. Go figure.

And as an aside, is it (that I feel) constant validation I think Ma is looking for, judging by my take on various comments and the context she makes them in?  Draining.