Always Thought I’d Be Rich

Posted on by Dwayne

When I thought up this title and posted it, as I often do first when struggling for a topic, it dawned on me this could end up being another ‘woe is me’ diatribe about those things that are less than optimal in my life. I quickly determined though that self recrimination was not what I wanted, I yearned for positivity.  I want to be done with negative, I think it’s evil.

Maybe this is how evil works, destroying everything in its path.
– Dexter (or his writers)

I seem to be on a Dexter theme here lately but I’m finding that some of his quotes and perceptions (the writer’s) are echoing my thoughts.  Again, the fact he’s as disturbed as he is, and does what he does, goes against my grain, but his comments (in my mind) seem to be perceptive in some areas.  And I’ll apologize now if the quotes were stolen from other authors, they should be the ones to get the appropriate credit.  ‘Nuf said about Dexter.

I’m not big on New Year’s resolutions.  For the most part I think they are a waste of time, at least for the bulk of the population.  If you are a strong person with conviction and drive they may work for you, but for the rest of us I think they can be more a negative than a positive, particularly if we fail in achieving those goals we set out.  That’s why my only real goal, and one I try to follow always, is to just be honest.  Honest, and real.

This honesty applies not only to my actions but my thoughts.  I strive to enjoy my life fully, and once again become a positive person.  I say ‘once again’ because I believe that I have declined in that regard over the last number of years.  Whether that was due to work, personal issues, emotional problems (depression), or whatever, the result was I slid into an angered and negative space.

I am striving to change that.  In that process I must maintain my honesty in what I am, in what I think, and only by doing that can I escape.  I have to accept before I can change.

False words are not only evil in themselves, but they infect the soul with evil.
– Socrates

Bottom line I have to accept myself.  I don’t wish I was rich, I am rich.  Rich in health and the love around me.  Rich in the things that matter.

Acting, Not Being

Posted on by Dwayne

In my last post “Well Lit, Dark Place” I talked about being in a dark place, about being emotionally alone or socially disconnected.  Perhaps my comments and the title were a bit misleading as the intent of the comment was much more figurative than actual.  I’m not really in such as dark place as was interpreted, more a place that is dark in the sense that I wish I were not there, alone and feeling I’m without connection to others.

I refered to Dexter, the main character of television series about a disturbed man, his emotional pain being the result of witnessing his mother butchered (literally).  A quote from Wikipedia describes it like this:

 “Dexter believes that he has no emotions, and he has to work non-stop to appear normal and blend in with the other people around him”.

I must make it clear though, it’s only some of these similarities with Dexter I can relate to, I (in no possible way) feel like I need to go out and murder or hurt someone, including myself.  I just feel disconnected

I can play the part though, I can act happy when not, or put on a friendly face when I don’t feel it, and that is what concerns me.  People have no more of an idea of who I really am than I do.  I often feel numb, unable to connect with those near me, scared to reveal who I really am or what I truly feel. I’m in disguise. It’s like I have a secret identity, like a super hero, except I’m not ‘super’.

I sometimes lack true emotion yet at other times I have more emotion, more happiness or sadness than I can bear. Am I blocking the real, continous feeling to prevent myself from being hurt? Where does this come from? Why?  Where am I going?

Some time back I wrote a post about adapting, this is something my counselor Gloria informed me of.  Essentially adapting is putting on a front, or becoming like a chameleon and changing your stripes to fit the environment.  Adapting to the circumstances and putting on a front whether you truly feel it or not.  The trouble is that Adapting can be exhausting.  Perhaps this is partially why I often prefer being alone, no adapting required.

I’m think I’m hiding, hiding in plain site, unable to reach out.  That’s why I feel like I’m in the dark, but recognizing and accepting it provides illumination.

Well Lit, Dark Place

Posted on by Dwayne

I think I’m emotionally in a dark place lately, but at times it seems well lit, make sense?

A light in the dark
A light in the dark

It’s just that I feel emotionally alone, and that’s ok, that seems to be the dark place, and while I may not prefer it I do accept it in some fashion. It’s the fact that I seem to understand and accept the situation that makes it feel illuminated or lit.

And I don’t think it’s the ‘depression’, I believe it’s something more fundamental, something basic to my make-up or mental health.  I’m beginning to think it’s just the way I am.  Some of my first thoughts are that it’s Aspergers syndrome or some similar condition or disorder.  Some variation of Autism.  You can read about some of the characteristics here, on Wikipedia. Isn’t this curious, my self-diagnosis?

What precipitated this latest ah ha moment was a tv show called Dexter.  The show is about a man who witnessed the brutal slaying of his mother when he was a young child and the horrific situation made him emotionally disconnected as an adult.  Now I’ve never had those experiences but it’s the ongoing patter of his ‘inside voice’ that caused me to think.

We are somewhat alike. I have some of those same attributes, difficulty relating to others on an emotional level, emotionally disconnected, unable (or unwilling) to bond on a deeper emotional level.  Almost uncaring.  And yet I do feel deep sadness at times, and elated happiness. This is where I’d differ from my friend Dexter, that is where I can see how we are not so much alike.

Still, it makes me think, why am I the way I am?  Perhaps I need a stronger light to overpower the darkness.