The Big “C” Caffeine

Posted on by Dwayne
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I’m getting anxious again, it’s not overwhelming but uncomfortable nonetheless.  It’s manageable.  At worst it’s quite a disconcerting feeling, and for those that have real anxiety attacks I can imagine it must be a horrible experience. Mine is more a result, or contributed by, the big “C”.  That would be Coffee with too much Caffeine.

I’ve had these pangs of stress before, see “Coffee, With a Capital C” for some historical perspective, but needless to say my problem is largely self inflicted (I think).  It surprised me today though because I limited myself to just one cup with breakfast.  Now mind you that one cup was made with my stove-top expresso maker so the resulting brew is pretty high test, premium as opposed to regular octane.  And I haven’t used decaf for a while either which would have helped.  It was a delicious cup though, aromatic and full bodied, stimulating on multiple levels.

I think this occasional hyperness is also just part of my nature, and whether it’s just an emotional intensity that’s exacerbated by the big C, or my perceived ADD, or just that I’m just a bit f***ed up, I can’t say for sure.  I do know it’s annoying at best and sometimes a little debilatating.  The situation is complicated because I have soooo many things I want to do, and many of them I try to do at the same time.  Well not really at the SAME time, but during the same time period, such that I seldom ever get any of them completed to my satisfaction.

That should be another clue too, that these tasks are not done to my satisfaction.  I am a bit of a perfectionist and if I’m not happy with something I may abandon it before I get it completed to my standards.  Pisses my wife off for sure.  I thought retirement would help me this, and I still do actually, it’s just a matter of getting my sea legs.  Or so I keep telling myself.

At this point in time some of my ongoing projects are (in no particular order): getting gardens/yard put to bed, welding projects for myself and friends, prepping my project truck (getting it and parts truck into or beside the garage), photography in general, blogging, exercise, webpage improvements, relaxation, etc. etc..  Doesn’t sound too bad does it?

So here I’m going to kill two birds with one stone.  I’m posting a photo, which I’d like to do more frequently, and getting one post out  at the same time.  I’ve not edited the shot as that would only complicate my life further at this time.  I’m trying to get a handle on my interests and time spent on them after-all.  Editing and photo enhancement etc. is certainly on my list, just not today.

I took this shot on the way to Nelson one recent morning when I was taking my wife’s car into the shop.  One of the roads to Nelson passes along the Kootenay Canal, which is where I got the pic.  I thought it looked pretty cool in the morning light, with the mist off the water and some early fall colours.

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Kootenay Canal with morning fog

In addition to taking many more shots now (about 1500 since Aug) I have also endeavored to catalogue not only the new pictures but those I’ve taken over the years.  To that end I acquired LightRoom 4.2 and a bunch  of my time (read that as days) has been eaten up with the learning curve for that software.  Throw in the creation of a web gallery and trying to bring up my own website and you may get a sense of what’s leading to my stress.

When I look at it in the big picture though I realize how fortunate I am to even be able to have these ‘problems’ and while I do whine about things now and then I really am a happy person.  It’s just that I have your ear, and you have to listen, don’t you?

As always, any comments or insights are truly appreciated.  Big ‘C’ over and out.

Coffee, With a Capital C

Posted on by Dwayne
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20120810-091635.jpgWhen I saw the results of this photo’s manipulation I thought Coffee, but not really coffee as the drink, although that what it is, but the stimulating results of Coffee.  Perhaps it’s the result of too much coffee, the edginess you might get, the effect you might see where Colors are Heightened and your Perceptions only appear Sharper.  That kind of Coffee.  The too much Caffeine capital C Coffee.

I don’t necessarily see or feel that this morning.  My morning brew today is conjured up using decaf grounds so I wouldn’t experience such things.  I have found the capital C Coffee to be counterproductive.  It does NOT help my mood.  Necessary at times but not today.

I struggle still this morning with the doldrums of past days.  I question whether to even write or journal about it as it sounds like so much whining.  I consider posting to another blog of mine, one that is private and not for public consumption.  I consider not writing at all.  None of these options bears fruit at this time.

I come back to my original intent of this venue.  It was to communicate how I was feeling, what progress if any I have been making along my journey.  It might mean something to someone, or help them along their way.  Isn’t that what we all want, to help someone else?

I must admit in some cases that journey may have been obscured by fancy writing or stories of humor and light heartedness.  There have been stories of Dad or perhaps family tribulations with other members.  All along though it should reflect where I am on my path, on a road where the way is marked by colors and light or one where the ruts along the way are bouncing me from side to side.  One where my full attention is spent solely maneuvering my way through the myriad of obstacles, trying to stay on the road.

So I don’t know where the road will end.  This particular section of the trip seems to be more challenging but as always I will survive, and along the way try to learn something.  Maybe you can learn something too.