senashenta | Recent Entries

My allergies have gone INSANE lately, and I don't just mean hay fever or whatever. I mean like I'm DEVELOPING NEW ALLERGIES, which is NOT FREAKING COOL, BODY. >(

First my lactose intolerance, which has always been mild, started getting worse. I started having to use lactose pills before I used milk products (except cheese for some reason) and then buying lactose-free yogurt. But that was fine, because I just switched to almond milk fr the rest of it. EXCEPT.

I've been HIGHLY allergic to peanuts and Brazil nuts for my whole life, but not any other nuts (to my knowledge.) The last two weeks, I've been reacting to almonds (goodbye almond milk) and pecans at the very least, and not a LITTLE BIT, like my throat puffs up and tingles and my face swells and turns hot and red. Not enough that I need my Epipen but still bad.

I have no idea what's going on, and I know Dr. K sent out for me to have a consult with an allergist since I haven't had allergy tests in literally DECADES, but that was like FIVE MONTHS AGO and I still haven't heard anything back from them. I'm going to talk to Dr. K about all this when I go in for my appointment next month, obviously, but still...

It's fucking... it's SO FRUSTRATING. I just keep getting kicked while I'm down. To the point where I wonder if I should even bother trying to get up again, you know?

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: N/A: "Criminal Minds" on Riptide.

For some reason, the last two weeks since I had to have Juna put down, I've been thinking about Poe a lot.

This time last year, and the year before, I was thinking about them all the time and it was incredibly painful, a hollow ache, a gaping hole inside of me because of what they did, but now it's just... a vaguely aching kind of nostalgia, I guess. It's hard to explain, but it's like I'm numb now.

I think possibly the reason I'm thinking about them so much right now is because they always really liked Juna, so I associate them to a certain extent. Doesn't help that my room is still full of reminders of them; artwork and plushies and knickknacks that they sent me over the time that we were friends, for holidays and just randomly. I packed away a bunch of stuff, but there's still some around, so...

I don't know. My life the last couple of weeks has been sad for more than one reason...

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: N/A: "Criminal Minds" on Riptide.

This morning Mom poked her head into my room to tell me there were freaking TURKEYS out on the front walk and I was like "sorry, wut?" so I headed downstairs with my phone in tow and sure enough! A pair of HUGE wild turkeys just chilling on our suburban front walk! \o/ I watched them for a while and took a few pictures through the window and then they wandered off down the road. Very neat.

...

Teaching Pluto to eat out of the automatic feeder is an ongoing effort, but we're getting there. I had to move it up to the main floor (with Mom and Lee's permission) so that he would stop associating it with being Juna's Place To Eat. Then I had to take the side guards off of it because he obviously felt trapped with his head in the "box." Then I had to give him soft food for a couple of days so it smelled good enough for him to brave the opening lid. *facepalm* At this point I'm mixing small amounts of soft food in with his kibble to entice him but he is like... 75% there now. I just have to convince him he can go get his food himself when it drops and I don't have to be there lol.

Pluto is still being very needy and a huge suck-up, but I don't mind so much because I still need the extra attention from him, too. It gets better day-by-day but both of us are still grieving Juna. Pluto is getting less confused and listless though, more used to being an only child I guess, and I'm not crying every time I think of Juna anymore, so. Baby steps, I guess, though I do still cry off-and-on. Probably will for a long while yet.

...

Writing-wise, I'm still on my SPN hiatus but I'm coming up on the end of my timeline for it so I need to get back to it soon. Lately I've been working on basic notes for a new project, Concrete Angels, which is radically out of my ballywhack because it's a crime drama, but I guess that just proves I really will write anything. I also have a very new one, Bright In The Dark, that is also a crime/psychological one. I blame the fact that I've been mainlining Criminal Minds for like eight seasons, now. :D;

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: N/A: "Criminal Minds" on Riptide.

Tomorrow will be one week since I had to have Juna put down. I try not to think about it because it still hurts so much but the smallest thing will remind me and put tears in my eyes. I'm not flat-out bawling anymore but I still tear up and sniffle. I guess that's a step in the right direction. I'm still lighting a candle for everyone I've lost once a day (they burn for about 4 hours) but right now most of my thoughts when they're burning are directed toward Juna, admittedly. Spending tons of time with Pluto is helpful. He's cute and distracting and sometimes infuriating at the same time. Heh.

Speaking of Pluto, we are making steps in teaching him to eat from the automatic feeder. Now he'll at least eat out of the metal DISH, just not while it's IN THE FEEDER. I'm going to give him a few more days of that and then try to figure out how to get him to eat out of the feeder itself, though I'm not sure HOW because he's afraid of the open-and-close lid mechanism to it. Maybe if I set the close speed to the slowest setting? I dunno, I'll figure it out...

I was supposed to mail a small parcel to Chelsea at the end of January, but then everything with Juna happened and I can't afford it. I messaged her last night to let her know it would be delayed and why and she was totally understanding. I knew she would be, I just wanted her to know. We also reaffirmed that even though we aren't DATING anymore we still mean a lot to one another, which was really nice. I still adore her, regardless, which is why I feel bad postponing the package. It's just a bracelet and some buttons, but still. I promised, you know?

Health-wise, I've still got a touch of the stomach flu from like FIVE WEEKS AGO, but I also think I'm making it worse by unintentionally overdosing on Gravol. I think the max dosage per day is like 400mg and that's 8 pills per day and I KNOW some days I've taken more than that. Not on purpose but just because I've been SO NAUSEOUS and I don't know what else to do. Like, what is the correct course of action when you're SUPER sick to your stomach but the nausea meds are making it worse? I don't even know. Anyway, so I decided that no matter how sick I feel during the day anymore I'm capping myself at 5 Gravol just to be safe. I'm not going to talk to Mom about this because she'll just yell at me.

Also, over the last few months I've been losing my hair. ALL of my hair. I don't shave my legs but they are completely hair-free now, and most of my pubic hair and underarm hair is gone as well. The hair on my head is HALF as thick as it used to be, so it's obviously falling out, too. I'm not 100% sure what's going on, but I have a suspicion that it has to do with my liver disease; when I looked it up, Teh Google told me that liver disease can definitely cause hair loss because of hormone imbalance and whatnot. But I'm not going to panic about it until I talk to Dr. K; I have an appointment with her in March.

I started a rewatch of Criminal Minds a few days ago to help keep my mind off everything and now I'm about 1/3 of the way through Season 3. I'm having the WEIRDEST deja vu where the dialogue and camera work reminds me of Supernatural sometimes... not in WHAT they say, obviously, but in the way they phrase it? Makes me wonder if some of the SPN people worked on Criminal Minds beforehand, or if it's all just in my head, haha.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: N/A: "Criminal Minds" on Riptide.

On Tuesday, three days ago, Mom and I took Juna in to be euthanized. I had intended on writing about it that night, but I just couldn't face it that day, or even Wednesday or Thursday. Even writing about it now is killing me, but I want to get it down before the details start fading from my mind, either accidentally or by design.

Juna's appointment was for 1:00pm, and he spent most of the morning in my room sleeping, which was nice, just to spend time with him before the end. We didn't have to cuddle or anything, and to be honest he probably wasn't up to it, but it was good just to have him here on the bed within arm's reach. Pluto slept mostly in Mom and Lee's room that morning, which was also nice, just to have the alone time with Juna. Not that I don't adore Pluto, but you know.

Just before 1:00pm Mom and I got Juna packed into a crate and ready to go, and we went down to Mariposa Vet; I've been with Pine Grove Vet for decades but they've priced themselves out of what I can afford and Mariposa is 1/3 cheaper, in general, without the quality or service and care taking any sort of hit for it.

Anyway, when we got there they brought us in the back to a room they'd made comfortable, with blankets and towels for Juna if he wanted them, and soft music playing and I think that soothing cat pheromone stuff plugged in and running. There was a basket with treats and toys, and little baggies and scissors in case I wanted to take a snippet of his hair (I already had one at home) and a whiteboard sign with ferns and long grass on it that said "Arjuna's Room." It was really nice and thoughtful, and not strictly clinical like I've experienced with other vets.

The Vet Tech came in first to take some information and also to take payment so we wouldn't have to worry about that after the fact, which was probably a good idea. Paying someone hundreds of dollars just after they killed your pet is always rough. Then the Vet came in and did a quick exam while Juna wandered around the floor and explained the process, as if I haven't been through it enough times by now, but they don't know that, so it was fine.

Then she left and left us with a little call button for when we were ready, and gave us a few minutes to say goodbye, and I fed Juna one of those squeezy tube treats and he gobbled it up like nobody's business. He loved those things. Then Mom pushed the button and the Vet came back with a Nurse to administer the initial sedation before leaving us with him again for a few more minutes to let the sedatives kick in.

Juna fell asleep on the floor, so I picked him up and cuddled him in my lap for the time until they came back, and it was SO calm and SO soothing and SO heartbreaking all at the same time. I hadn't gotten to cuddle with Juna like that in years, so it was nice... to get one last real snuggle in before the end. But it couldn't last forever, and too soon the Vet and the Nurse came back in to finish the process.

I lifted my lovely boy up and set him gently on the exam table, and petted him while they administered the final shot and then checked to make sure his heart had stopped beating. And then it was over.

They kindly placed him in a biodegradable bag for us, and we took him home. Mom put him in the freezer because it's winter right now and we can't bury him right now. I hate when that happens, but my cats have a habit of passing away in the depth of the winter so we do what we have to so we aren't just throwing them away.

Aunt Brenda never replied to my email about burying Juna with his friends on their property, not that I'm surprised, she and Uncle Alec seem to have washed their hands of me for some reason, but Dad says we can bury him on Lois' property come the spring/summer. I'm currently putting together a box for him, the same as I did for all the others. I have lots of time to get it finished, at least.

Pluto is really confused and that's coming out in insecurity. He's glued himself to my hip and is super needy, always wanting attention. He's 12yo and never been the Only Cat, so I guess I don't blame him. Besides which, he and Juna were REALLY close, so to have his BFF go out and not come back is probably a shock to the system. I want to go to the cat shelter and adopt another kitty to be friends with Pluto, but Mom won't let me and it's too soon anyway. We are going there to drop off all of Juna's leftover food, dishes, toys, etc, though. Probably next week. Mom wanted to go THIS week but it was too soon for me.

I'm trying to teach Pluto to eat out of the automatic feeder, but (in a SHOCKING turn of events) he's fucking afraid of it, so I'm having to baby steps him into it. Right now he's eating off of the sensor pad. Next ste is trying to get him to eat out of the DISH while it's out of the machine. I have to wash it first, though, it still smells like Juna...

When I first met Juna he was yowling in the rain, and the next thing I knew he was part of my clowder. When he was younger, he was AGGRESSIVE about wanting attention, so much so it was frustrating and irritating, but he mellowed with age... until the last eight-months-to-a-year or so, when he started YOWLING for attention again. He was Tia's boyfriend in his younger days, and when she passed away he was UTTERLY LOST until he hooked up with Dion and the two of them bonded. Then when Dion passed away, he snuggled up with Pluto and the two of them were close like they'd grown up from kittenhood together. It was like that until the day he died.

Once, Juna was playing to hard that he bonked his right eye and actually caused the color to change, resulting in a partial heterochromia in that eye. He had that for years, but just recently it faded out again. When we were living in Penetang, for some reason, he got SUPER stressed out around Christmas Time and stress-groomed himself practically bald from the neck down. All his fur grew back (though his tail was never as floofy as before) but boy did he look funny for a while there.

Juna liked crunchies. Potato chips, crackers, that kind of thing. He liked frozen yogurt (but only vanilla flavor) but not really regular yogurt for some reason?? He LOVED processed lunch meat, and would eat as much of that as you were willing to give him. His favorite toys were tinkle balls, the really loud ones that were obnoxious when he swatted them across the room. He also loved catnip pouches, for obvious reasons, but especially the overstuffed ones that Pet Valu sells. I used to buy him one every Christmas.

I keep expecting to look over on my bed where the microfiber blanket is right now and see him, because he adored that blanket, how soft and warm it is. I'm glad he got to use it some in the morning before his last vet's appointment. I'm glad his passing was comfortable and easy and even included snacks.

Every day I burn a candle for all those that I've lost, but right now when I do it, most of my thoughts are going to Juna.

Rest well, my love, and I'll see you again some day across the Rainbow Bridge.

Current Mood: grieving
Current Music: N/A

Right now I'm staring down the barrel of having to have Juna put to sleep.

A couple months ago when I started him on the Solid BM Gold he got a ton better, gained weight and everything, but then he started having trouble with it and I had to take him off it again. He lost all the weight he'd gained, plus some. He's all skin and bones and in so much pain now. He just sleeps all the time, and he's basically stopped grooming entirely. He doesn't eat almost at all anymore either. It's just...

It's not fair to him to make him continue to suffer the way he is, but making this decision has KILLED me. It does every time.

It's going to cost $340+tax and I DO NOT have that money RIGHT NOW, but I don't want him to continue to struggle while I fumble to try to get the cash put together. I asked Mom if she would front my the money and she said she'd think about it, but I'm not getting my hopes up because every time I borrow money she gets pissed, even if it's for a really good reason.

I also sent an email to Aunt Brenda asking about burying Juna behind the double garage in Baysville like I have been all this time with my cats, at least while Grandma was letting me. Again, though, I'm not getting my hopes up because Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec don't seem to want much to do with me, especially when it comes to the property.

Just in case, I also messaged Dad and asked if, if Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec say "no", I could take Juna down and bury him on Lois' property, and he said yes that would be fine. It would be in a few months, obviously, since it's the middle of winter now, but at least I have a backup plan in case Aunt Brenda and Uncle Alec are dicks about the whole thing.

This whole thing has me spun right out. I can't stop crying intermittently. Like every time I look at Juna or think about him.

I miss him already.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: N/A: "Supernatural" on Riptide.

On the 27th, Amy, Brit, Cobin and Sarah came over to have Christmas brunch with us and I faked being sick because I cannot STAND Sarah, but I came down briefly to say hi and Merry Christmas and got roped into gift exchange. It was actually fine, Sarah was tolerable, but after gifts I made my escape again.

Anyway, Amy and Brit got me some high-top slippers, a Dollarama gift card, M&M's, cat socks, a Pissed Off Cats 2026 Calendar, that kind of thing, and Sarah got me a Dollarama gift card and a crocheted cat keychain that she got from the Comfie Cat Shelter. And they all seem to have liked what I got them, too, though there was some trading back and forth because of sizes and stuff. Amy and Brit particularly liked the bloody knives dog toys I got them for Pearl and Winston haha.

...

A few days later I started ACTUALLY getting sick, and now I've had the stomach flu for over a week. There's like three things that I can keep down right now and I'm going through ginger ale like it's going out of style. Good thing I had extra. Up until yesterday I couldn't even drink Coke because it made me puke. I seem to be to the point of turning around a little, but it's still soup and crackers for me for now. Oh, and egg salad sandwiches for some Goddamned reason.

On Monday, Mom went to a spa with Brit and came home suuuuuper relaxed. And then she asked if I had enough soup to last me until the next night, and I ANSWERED HER HONESTLY and she just FREAKED THE FUCK OUT and started SCREAMING AT ME that NOW SHE HAD TO GO OUT AGAIN AND SHE HAD TOLD ME THAT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DO THAT TODAY, and how I'M SO FUCKING SELFISH IT'S ALWAYS ME ME ME ME ME, when I NEVER ASKED HER TO GO OUT FOR MORE SOUP AND SHE JUST FUCKING ASSUMED. And she just kept screeching until she had her coat and boots on and was stomping out the door. I tried to tell her not to go, but she completely fucking ignored me. And then when she got BACK, she acted like the whole thing NEVER HAPPENED.

I just... I don't know anymore. I say something and I get yelled at, I say nothing and I get yelled at, I answer a question and I get yelled at. I can't do ANYTHING without Mom SCREAMING at me for one thing or another. Like, I get it, you want me out of your house, but since I'm stuck here can we please be civil?

...

Three days ago, one of my teeth just like... SNAPPED OFF at the gum line. Shockingly, it didn't hurt, but obviously it needed to be dealt with. And I had to like IMMEDIATELY call the Denturist and put an emergency halt on the first step of forging my partial dentures because now I have another tooth that needs to be included in them.

I went to the Dentist yesterday and they took an x-ray of the problem "tooth" and that e-ray also showed some of the surrounding teeth and they were like "oh dear" and decided to take a full set of x-rays. Turns out I have at least one, sometimes more, cavities in LITERALLY every tooth in my head with the sole exception of my lower front two teeth. FUCK ME. And I can't get my dentures until I get all of them fixed so like. FUCK again.

So, yesterday they pulled the remains of the broken tooth (and the roots), and fixed like four cavities in the surrounding teeth since I was numbed up anyway. Now my mouth hurts like a bitch but at least we got a start on the endless amount of work my mouth needs. Literally, I got the shit end of the genetic lottery with my teeth and it's always been like that, but I'm really starting to get sick of it at this point. =/

Aaaaaand tonight I have a Bone Density Scan that I figure will probably show that I have osteopenia at the very least, but that's why I started taking the D3, Calcium and K2. *shrug*

Lately I've been working on My Zombie stuff, gearing up to actually write the book. I've got most of the character buttons done but the button design website is being glitchy the last few days, and also I have run out of room for buttons. MZ has WAY more characters than TKA did. :D;;

I've also been writing up character profiles and info on the different Colonies. The only Colony I still have to write about is Orchid Colony, but I have TONS of characters to do profiles for still. And I have a bunch of inspiration pictures ready to go to pin up on the second MZ bulletin board; the only reason I haven't done it already is because I have to move my computer table to get it done. :P

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: N/A: "Supernatural" on Riptide

Christmas this year has been really messed up.

At first we weren't going to have an Extended Family Christmas and then at the very last minute with like a week's notice Uncle Alec and Aunt Brenda decided that they wanted to have one after all, so we were supposed to go up to Baysville on the 19th... and then on the 18th Lee went back into the hospital with a bladder/urinary tract thing that's been bothering him for a while. This time they admitted him for a few days. So, we didn't make it to Extended Family Christmas.

Then on the 20th, we were supposed to have our Family Christmas with just the four of us, but of course Lee was in the hospital and he couldn't postpone because my brother was going out of country like the next day. So, Mom, Trunks and I had Christmas just the three of us, and it actually turned out to be pretty good. My brother was cheerful and funny and the way he used to be, and it was really nice to spend the time with him, even though Lee wasn't there. Maybe MORE SO because Lee wasn't there.

My brother got me a $100 Michaels' gift card, and Mom and Lee got me a Jurassic Park t-shirt (that actually FITS), a Captain America plushie, a huge thing of Fererro Roche, a pack of paintbrushes and a bunch of nifty charms for making into jewelry. I've already spent some of Trunks' gift card on chain, clasps and more charms, and I need to go back for gold-tone ear hooks and headpins.

Saying goodbye to my brother was pleasant that day, too, I wished Trunks a happy trip and actually meant it. And thinking about how that day went, how it was so BACK TO NORMAL, makes me SO happy, makes me want to cry.

Anyway, then Mom, Lee and I were supposed to go over to Amy, Brit and Cobin's place for Christmas with THEM on the 24th, but Lee only JUST got out of the hospital the afternoon of that day, so it got pushed back to the 27th, which I guess is... tomorrow. .__.; Now they're going to come over here for brunch around 10am instead, which is way too fucking early, WHAT is everyone's obsession with BRUNCH?? But whatever.

And I have no idea if/when Dad is coming up or not. He said something about maybe coming between now and January 2nd because he has that time off, but he also said something about just mailing my gifts, so like?? And I CAN'T mail his and Lois' stuff, I am BROKE, so I don't know what he expects from me. ~_~;;

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: N/A: "The Walking Dead" on Riptide

Every year for one of his gifts, I do up a candy/chocolate bag for my younger brother. It costs me like $50 even buying most things at the Dollarama, but it's something I enjoy doing and something he seems to enjoy receiving. Well, this year I'm not doing one. Not for him to turn around and give it to his Secret Daughter that we're never allowed to meet (and technically aren't even supposed to know EXISTS), which I'm sure is what he does now that she's old enough for him to do so.

It's come out this year that he would really rather not even do Christmas or exchange gifts with us at all. He thinks it's just us trading money back-and-forth, which is IS FOR HIM because all he ever does are gift cards. The rest of us fucking hunt and search and spend time finding the perfect gifts for the people we love and it's not ABOUT the money. Meanwhile, he spends Christmas in TO with his secret family and spends a shit ton of money on them without even blinking an eye.

Except this year they're all going to fucking ENGLAND for Christmas, so there's that.

I just...

I miss my BROTHER. The one I used to be close with, who actually GAVE A SHIT about his family, not the one he's turned into. He's always on the verge of snapping at people, he gets angry and frustrated SO EASILY and he seems to have decided that Mom, Lee and I just aren't worth his time anymore--except for once a week when he gets Mom to take him out to do groceries and bring him here to do laundry, the fucking hypocrite.

And if he doesn't get his way he pitches a FIT. Mom just goes along with whatever he wants to avoid it, but if I was to pull that shit I would get kicked out of the house. It's fucking ridiculous, and I don't understand why she puts up with it. She's like "it's not worth arguing over" with my brother, but with me? If I PHRASE A SENTENCE WRONG SHE BLOWS UP AT ME. Literally last night I asked her "hey, what did you guys do with the cat food that was in the fridge?" because I couldn't find it, and she FREAKED OUT that I was being ACCUSATORY and RUDE and YELLED AT ME FOR IT before STOMPING OVER TO THE FRIDGE, FINDING THE CAT FOOD, AND SHOVING IT AT ME. Like. Fuck. Meanwhile my brother is scheduling Christmas to his liking without consulting anyone else and she's just like "it's cool."

I just don't understand what's happening to my family, and it's frustrating as all fuck. I want things to go back to the way things used to be. I wish my brother's kid's Moms had never decided to let him be a part of her life, which was the original plan. I wish Mom could let go of some of her rage toward me because it's making me feel fucking suicidal again.

I wish a lot of things.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: N/A

A couple of weeks ago, Mom measured my mattress and ordered me a new one because my old one was so worn out that springs were actually STICKING OUT OF IT in places and it was like sleeping on a minefield. Anyway, the new one came in yesterday so I emptied out my entire room and we got it in place, and then I put everything back IN the room, just in a slightly different configuration than before. I had a little nap on it yesterday afternoon to test it out and it was fine, but LAST NIGHT OH MY GOD I haven't had such a good night's sleep in AGES. Normally, I wake up at 5am every day in absolute AGONY but last night I DIDN'T and just... GAH. The difference is night and day!!

On Monday I had a consultation with my Denturist again because ODSP fucking denied my claim because "not all missing teeth require dentures" which like, YES, I AGREE, but I am missing ALL OF MY UPPER MOLARS?? WTF?? Anyway, since then I've gotten onto CDCP and apparently they cover more than ODSP covers hence another appointment with the Denturist, so they can submit a care plan to CDCP and hopefully get me partial dentures so that I can, you know, CHEW FOOD AGAIN? Seriously, what the fuck ODSP. So, we're just waiting on CDCP to get back to the Denturist about that and I have my fingers crossed. Just. All of them.

I'm mostly done packing away (most of) my TKA stuff (plushie!Aidan and Tyler are staying out) and starting to work on replacing it with My Zombie stuff instead. Now that I have a new button designing/printing site (for now, anyway), I'm making MZ character buttons just like I did with TKA. The MZ cast is expanding a little, I just added Neila, Kelly, Blythe and Corbin to the mix, but to be honest it's mostly so I have people to kill off that aren't just Jazz. :P Not entirely sure what's in store for them quite yet, but they might all be meeting grizzly fates. (Except maybe for Kelly, I kind of like Kelly.)

I finished printing and collating Mom and Dad's copies of TKA for Christmas ($150 worth of ink alone, never mind the paper and the binders and the time), and I gave Mom's to her early thinking that she would want to read it right away but it turns out she's like 48% of the way through a 21 book series on her kindle and wants to finish it first. Whatever, I guess, I don't think either of them will particularly like TKA anyway, so it doesn't matter to me. And I asked Dad if he was coming up for Christmas because I CANNOT afford to ship his and Lois' gifts, and his response was literally "don't know"--just two words, not even a full sentence. Sometimes communicating with him can be frustrating.

Turns out at the very last minute Uncle Alec and Aunt Brenda decided they wanted to have Family Christmas after all, so on the 19th we're all getting together at their place for it. Clare probably won't come as usual. And we're not doing the gift exchange because everyone is too lazy to go out and get presents for it now, which sucks because it's like... 90% of the reason I even go anymore, especially with the way Grandma is and the strained relationship I currently have with Mom.

I just want things to go back to normal with my family, I want Mom and I to be best friends and my brother and I to be close like we used to be. But Mom resents me being in this house at this point, and my brother is completely wrapped up with his Secret Family in TO, it's like we don't matter at all anymore. He's probably going to try to get out of Christmas with us all together this year...

I dunno, this time of year especially, I miss the way things used to be.

Today I have some more ink coming from Amazon because I literally used up ALL my black ink doing the thing for Mom and Dad, and also a set of stainless steel measuring cups for Mom for Christmas. On the 18th I'm ordering more ink, Pluto food, some Frozen Christmas ornaments and a photo album for me to use as a scrapbook for MZ stuff, since I have one for TKA. Then on the 22nd, I have to order filters for the axolotl tank and more Frozen ornaments, and go do my end-of-the-month/last-minute-Christmas shopping. Fun times.

Aaaaaand now I have to go shove some BM Gold down Juna's gullet, which he HATES. Also fun times. /sarcasm.

Current Mood: sore
Current Music: N/A

This past Sunday Mom and I went at and disassembled the old axolotl aquarium and set up the new one. It took all afternoon and there were FREQUENT breaks for both of us between hauling buckets of water, but the new tank has been up and running for a few days now and the axolotls seem happy. The new aquarium is a "breeder" tank, which means it's shorter and wider than the average 40gal tank, but since the axolotls are bottom dwellers, that just means they have more real estate to wander around in and there's enough space that I can fit another hide in there for them as well. I'll have a look for one next time I'm at Petsmart.

And finally getting the tanks switched out means the cedar chest, where the new tank has been living for literally MONTHS, is free again, so Mom is happy. Once again, I'm not allowed to keep the old tank to upcycle it unto a terrarium, even though last time AND this time Mom ASKED ME what I wanted to do with them. Like. If you're just going to say "no" and throw it out anyway, then why get my hopes up like that? Even though the last one and this one would make perfect snake/lizard terrariums and would have saved me HUNDREDS of dollars when I eventually move out on my own (any time now, subsidized housing people!) But whatever. I'm barely a person in this house anymore, so what should I expect, right?

Later today (after a nap) or tomorrow I have to give the bird cage a really good scrub out and tidy everything up to take some pics so I can list Winter/Shield/all their stuff for sale on Kijiji. When I rehomed Rosie and Emmett, it helped my allergies A LOT and as much as I love the boys, I know rehoming THEM will help even more (once I dust and vacuum my room after they're gone, of course) so I guess birds are just a no-go, even though the last allergist I saw told me I wasn't allergic to them anymore. (LIAR.)

But along with Winter and Shield and their main cage and accessories, they also come with a TON of extra food and treats, a spare water bottle that's never been opened, a BUNCH of spare toys, even a second CAGE that only got used once for like two days. So, I'd be asking at least $150 for everything. When I rehomed Rosie and Emmett they went just them and their cage and accessories and one bag of food for $65, so. Yeah. *shrug* And the extra money could come in useful this time of year, assuming someone took them right away...

...

I edited like 70+ pages of TKA yesterday and the good news is that it turns out I don't hate it nearly as much as I thought I did. Or at least, I don't hate the BEGINNING. We'll see how it goes later on. I'm trying to get the editing done relatively quickly because I want to put together binders for Mom and Dad for Christmas, so even though I didn't work on it today (so far) I really have to get back to it tomorrow. The TKA binders are super secret because I legit told Dad I wouldn't do that for him, but I changed my mind when I was in the "binders" section of Walmart when I was shopping last Friday. It's probably going to take two ink cartridges, and 600+ pages of paper, but I hope they'll be pleasantly surprised.

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: N/A

Back when we were still friends, Poe spent the better part of a year and a half to two years being my TKA cheerleader, brainstorming with me, helping me flesh out characters, all that kind of stuff. So, when I finally FINISHED TKA last week, I emailed them to tell them because I thought they might like to know that all their hard work wasn't for nothing. I don't know if they even care about Aidan and Tyler at all anymore, but I offered to send them the Word document so they could read it when I was done editing it.

I wasn't expecting a reply, really. I highly suspect they've blocked my email at this point, although it didn't bounce back so maybe not. So, the fact that they haven't returned my email is only mildly disappointing. If this had been a year ago I would have been devastated, but now... Poe and I are too alike to be friends, it turns out, and I think Poe is too broken. And that sucks, but it is what it is. I'll always treasure the time I had with them. That's the important thing, right?

There's just certain things that come up in my life, like finishing TKA, that I wish I could share with them, that's all.

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: N/A

I'm currently 229 pages and 109,864 words into Of The Deepest Dye, and I only have a couple more chapters to go before it's done. I think it's going to end up at 13 chapters plus the Prologue and the Epilogue, so 15 "chapters" on AO3. I really like how it's come along so far, but I'm not sure it's for everyone. My writing style in general isn't for everyone. Also, it's way too late now but I regret how close "Sprite" and "Shrike" are, name-wise, especially with how much they interact in later chapters. Oh well. *shrug*

I'm going to work on Hippocratic next, alongside My Zombie, since I decided that's the next original novel I'm going to write. But I can't just work on one project at a time, of course, that would make sense. And in January I'm going to start editing TKA and hopefully turn it into something I like again. I'm also trying to finish up In Memoriam so I can get it posted at some time soon.

I'm doing story building for two new Valdemar fics, Menageria and Alabaster, right now, and while Alabaster is coming along really well I'm considering scrapping Menageria and starting over with just the basics of it because I don't particularly like how it's going so far. I guess it is what it is. Not all ideas are absolute winners, right?

Yesterday when I went to have blood taken for tests (boo, I have bruises now), I went across the street to the dollar store when I was done to pick up a couple of things and FOUND THEIR BINDER SECTION WUT. They're not much cheaper than Walmart binders, but they have BLACK ONES and I can NEVER find black ones! When I need a black one I always have to go to Staples and buy one of their $16 binders, GAH. So, on Friday when Mom takes me out shopping I'm going to go back there and buy like four black binders for future use because C'MON. Yesterday I could only afford one, and I've already assigned it to Rattleback lol. XD;;

Also, when I was at the dollar store, I picked up a cookie tin so I can make cookies for Nancy and we can ship them to her. Just shortbread and probably just one batch. I don't think we're doing Christmas baking this year either, really, on top of not doing Family Christmas... maybe I'll make shortbread cookies to mail to Brad and Kristianna, too, though, since Kristianna always looks forward to them. I dunno.

I think this weekend we're going to be decorating for Christmas around here, all the stuff is in from the garage and just needs to be put up, and Mom says I can have her baby Christmas tree for my room if I can find a flat surface too set it on. I would really like that, and I think I can set it up on top of the binders next to Morgana, so that will work out. I love Christmas and the giving and the feeling of the season so much and to decorate my room a little bit would be great.

Last night Mom made lasagne for dinner, and I didn't say anything but I was like ~__~;; the entire time she was making it and we were eating it. I would never tell her because I don't want to hurt her feelings, but she makes TERRIBLE lasagne. She doesn't use enough sauce or cheese, so it always comes out dry and bland and I would SO MUCH rather make my own lasagne, but she insists on trading off. Also, she always makes TWO GIANT pans of it so we can freeze it and eat it off-and-on for MONTHS and I'm like... blegh. Last night's turned out particularly bad imo. I only ate half a piece and then gave the rest to Lee, because he likes Mom's lasagne for some reason. Probably just because it has meat while mine is vegetarian. idk.

Anyway. Some time today or tomorrow Mom is measuring my bed to order a new mattress for it, since the springs are all gone and even sticking out in some places. I can't sleep on it properly anymore, and when Mom offered to buy me a new one I jumped on the offer. But she wants to order it this Friday to take advantage of Black Friday deals, which I totally understand. (Speaking of Black Friday, I am ordering some stuff from AliExpress on Friday and it's going to cost me HALF what it normally would Black Friday RULES.)

I'm starting to put together another parcel for Sethi and her family, and this time the kids are old enough that I'm trying to do more personalized stuff for them rather than just buying a bunch of generic "kid stuff" and hoping it goes over. So hair and nail stuff for E & G, and anime stuff for M. Plus all the requisite chocolate, of course, and a couple of books for Sethi, and some coffee for her hubby, that kind of thing. I have fun putting together these boxes, though this one won't make it to them until after Christmas. I managed to get last year's to them juuuuust in time for Christmas, but this time I can't afford the shipping until probably February. It's fine, though, they won't mind. <3

Yesterday evening I gave the cats their third dose of Advantage. I'm pretty sure the mites were all gone anyway, but I'd rather be safe than sorry, you know? And now I have a spare dose for each of them just in case things go sideways again in the future.

Speaking of the cats! About three weeks ago, Amazon's algorithm randomly recommended to be this stuff for cats called "Solid BM Gold" the "BM" short for "Bowel Movement", and I clicked on it out of curiosity, and basically it's a herbal supplement that curbs diarrhea problems in cats and helps them have proper, solid poops. AND I WAS LIKE "HAH!" because JUNA had had diarrhea problems for YEARS now that NOTHING could seem to help, and it's been wearing on his health for all of that time. So, I talked it over with Mom, and one bottle was $57 BUT it was a 4-month supply, so that makes it MUCH more affordable in the long run. Mom was kind of like "well we've tried everything else :|" so I ponied up the sixty bucks and bought a bottle...

...and FIVE DAYS IN IT WAS ALREADY MAKING SUCH A HUGE DIFFERENCE. I wasn't sure what to expect, if it would work right away, if it would take a while to work, if it was total snake oil, but you give him a TINY amount twice a day and he is almost completely diarrhea free IT'S A FREAKING MIRACLE. Plus, without the constant diarrhea, he's GAINING WEIGHT, TOO, HALLELUJAH.

Juna hates hates HATES having the dropper shoved into his mouth twice a day, but I'm getting better at it, getting faster at it, so he's not flailing as much now as he was at the beginning and I mean. It's worth it. Best $57 I ever spent.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: N/A

I've had one whole real relationship in my life and that was with C, and even that was a long-distance one, we met on Tumblr and never managed to meet irl. But it lasted for eight years, and there was comfort and love there, if not physical closeness. I miss that, sometimes. Being emotionally close to someone, having a person I know I can rely on no matter what. I don't even have that with my parents or my siblings, and I don't have any real friends anymore, so I'm very much on my own in most things.

Things with C were warm and comfortable, and we had the kind of relationship where we aggressively mailed stuffed animals to each other, and no one else got it but we did. But the thing is, I know if she had moved to Canada or I had (God forbid; I would have literally died) moved to the US to LIVE TOGETHER it would have completely imploded, because I can't co-habitate with other people and I've proven that time and time again.

The only relationship I CAN maintain is a long-distance one, and even some of my long-distance FRIENDSHIPS have crashed and burned spectacularly. So, as much as I crave the closeness and the interaction, I have to keep my distance from people, even online, because I'm TOO MUCH, I'm MORE THAN PEOPLE CAN HANDLE, and honestly I don't know how C put up with me for so long like she did, not with how I am. Not with the kind of PERSON I am.

I think I'm just built to be alone, and lonely, until the end of my days. Which sucks, it really does, but at least I can fill the void with my cats and my writing and pretend I'm not dead inside.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: N/A

On a completely different topic, two days ago...

I FINALLY FINISHED THE KELPIE AGENDA!!

...I mean. I still have to EDIT it, but still, this is huge, and almost exactly to the day that I STARTED writing it last year for the NaNo. It came in at 301 pages and 153k+ words, aaaaaaand I can't decide if I love it or hate it, but either way it's an accomplishment, so I'm proud of myself. Like I said, I still have to edit it, so the page number and word count will change during the course of that, but still. BOOK NUMBER ONE IS FINISHED, FINALLY!!

For Book Number Two, it's a tossup between Freefall, My Zombie and a newer one called Stardust, but I'm leaning toward My Zombie because I've been working on world building for IT for even longer than TKA, technically, so I figure it's paid it's dues. Also I love Riley and Emmett and the whole cast to bits, including Raps and Bruce who got kind of randomly stuck in there after the rest of the cast had been firmly established for literally years. XD;;

But for now I'm taking a bit of a break to finish up my OTDD Valdemar fic (it's up to 200 pages and 96892 words so far) and it is SUCH a relief to work on something else and not have TKA constantly hanging over my shoulders. It was just always there in the not-so-back of my mind, you know, so it's a load off to know it's done, even if I do still need to edit it. :P

ANYWAY, so yes, OTDD and maybe Hippocratic and then I'll get started on editing TKA, and that will probably cover the entire mental health hiatus I'm talking from Horror High et al, and I'll have to get back to writing fics for that! :D

BUT JUST IN GENERAL YAY I FINISHED TKA!! <333

Current Mood: accomplished
Current Music: N/A

Yesterday Mom and I were having a perfectly pleasant conversation and in the middle of it I asked "so I guess there's not going to be a Family Christmas this year, huh?" and she went off on this rant about how she's not interested in one and it's really hard on her and my Uncles because of the way Grandma is now (dementia) and like ten minutes later after I HAD ALREADY AGREED WITH HER SEVERAL TIMES AND WAS ON THE VERGE OF TEARS, she stopped talking, took a few breaths for a minute or two... and then just started right back up again. And I very softly and politely asked, "could we be done with this part of the conversation, please?" AND SHE FLIPPED OUT. She was like "YEP!!" and then grabbed her kindle, slammed it open and started reading immediately, completely dismissing me from the conversation and the room.

And like, WHAT DID I DO? I was just tired of being berated emotionally, and it's not like she couldn't tell her ranting about it was upsetting me, but she just... kept going. She DOES THAT, just keeps harping on topics until I have a complete breakdown like that's her goal to begin with. But if I bring it up later to find out what HAPPENED, she turns it around on me so that it's my fucking fault instead and I'm so, SO tired of the gaslighting bullshit lately. I get that she doesn't want me living here anymore, I don't want to be living here anymore, but I don't have a CHOICE so we're both stuck until the housing people come through. I just don't understand why she feels the need to make co-habitation as difficult as possible, that's all.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: N/A

I can't say fucking anything around here without Mom snapping at me, not even innocuous things that are said totally innocently. And then, if I say anything about being snapped at, I get YELLED AT for my attitude, like fucking hell FINE I'll just not say Goddamn ANYTHING to you from now on. (And then I'll get yelled at for that, too.) Like I understand that I've been living here longer than you intended me to, and you really want me gone--fuck, I really want me gone--but I don't have any choice in the matter and you know it! I tiptoe around here like I'm walking on eggshells and that's no way to live. (God, please, just let the housing people come through before I have (another) complete breakdown!)

Today the tax people got back to me about my disability tax credit... and told me I wasn't owed anything except for non-refundable tax credits. At which point Mom goes "because we got the refund through MY taxes in 2024, I tried to talk to you about it when you were applying for this but you wouldn't listen" which, 1) NO YOU FUCKING DIDN'T. I'M NOT DEAF, MOM, I KNOW WHEN YOU TALK TO ME FFS. and 2) Did we get money through you in 2024? Maybe YOU did, but I certainly didn't, so??? WHERE'S MY MONEY???" Again, Mom insists that she gave me my half, which is bullshit because it's ALL MY MONEY and also because NO SHE DIDN'T. I'm going to go to the bank at the end of the month and get a January 2024 statement printed to prove it. Like FUCK HER.

I guess other than Mom Drama, today I worked on TKA (trying to actually finish it this month!) and Hollow Things, and added another plant (Castiel) to the axolotl tank (he's a sweet potato vine; here's hoping for the best this time!)

The other day I emptied out my room and vacuumed, and then put the new rug I bought when I went shopping two weeks ago down. Then I moved everything back in, and my fucked up back was screaming the entire time. Now I have to move everything again because the rug settled with a weird way and I need to straighten it out. Bah.

A couple days ago I got some new binders, for Spirit, Stardust and 28 Months Later. I also grabbed a couple of extra ones because they were on sale for like $3 which is DIRT CHEAP.

The cats seem to be doing well with their second dose of Advantage, but I'm still keeping an eye on them. I bought more Advantage for the end of the month because I want to dose them again just in case. I also just bought some homeopathic meds for Juna that are supposed to give a cat healthy BMs, which Juna needs DESPERATELY. It was $55 but that's for a four-month supply so I guess it's not so bad. And four months is a good amount of time to decide if it's working right or not, so. *shrug* We'll give it a shot.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: N/A: "World's Most Evil Killers" on Tubi.

Yesterday was my monthly Shopping Day (my money came in on Friday but Friday is my brother's day and God forbid he should do his shopping on another day, but whatever) so Mom and I left the house around noon-ish, just about the time that I would normally be laying down for a nap. :P

First, though, I went on mobile banking and opened a savings account and transferred $100 to it to go toward taking the cats to the vet at the end of the month if they get worse again. The $200 that comes in on the 18th is also going in that account, as well as $100 from next month's money on the 28th. If the cats continue to get better and don't backslide again, I'll send the money to Mom so pay off a huge chunk of what I owe her.

SPEAKING OF VETS. I called around and my current vet (Pine Grove) is LITERALLY the most expensive vet in town. I'm switching to Mariposa because to walk in the door at Pine Grove is $250 per animal, and to walk in the door at Mariposa is fucking $134 per animal. THAT IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE WHAT THE FUCK PINE GROVE??

Anyway, shopping.

The first place we went was to the bank, where I pulled my rent money for November and handed it over immediately. Necessary but still BLEGH. And I'm expecting Mom and Lee to raise my rent again any time now, too, since I'm getting the $200 more each month and THEIR rent just went up by like $40, so. Yeah.

After the bank, we went to Walmart, where I went to McD's first thing and bought myself something to eat, and then Mom stayed there with her kindle and a coffee while I went off and did my shopping, which is pretty much what happens most times. I struggled to get the cat litter into the cart by myself this time, despite my back, but I managed it, and then I spent a while looking at carpets because I need to replace one of the rugs that I have in my bedroom right now. I ended up getting like an indoor/outdoor carpet with rubber backing, which I'm hoping is tough enough to protect the ACTUAL carpet underneath where I'm forever sliding my computer table back and forth and wearing at it.

I also bought a bunch of binders (as usual), though there were two I wanted and couldn't find, and the blue/green/white ones I like were on sale for $4/each (almost 50% off) so I bought an extra of each. Then I headed to the groceries section to get my V8 and whatnot, and I looked for lactose-free yogurt while I was there because I seriously have a problem with lactose nowadays. =/ I managed to find some, and I picked it up even though it was SUPER expensive, but it was Greek yogurt and I wasn't sure I would be able to even EAT IT because typically Greek yogurt makes me gag. (BUT I had some today and I can eat it! Yay!) I also bought almond milk for the lactose reason. Then, AFTER I had already checked out, I spotted someone else with EGGNOG in their cart and I was like "...um, excuse me?" XD;; The man was very nice and told me where to find it, so I left my cart with Mom and ran back to get some eggnog, and THEN we were done at Walmart. :P

At the Dollarama I grabbed three different sized jars that were on my list but at the time I couldn't remember what for. But I know better than to just not buy them because then the INSTANT I get home it's like "OH YEAH :|" so I bought them anyway, and sure enough, now I remember what I wanted them for! (Thumb drives/mini chocolate bars/Itsy.)

After the dollar store we went to Zehrs, where I WALKED IN THE DOOR TO THE SMELL OF THEIR WEDGE FRIES and immediately made a beeline to buy some. After that I grabbed one each of these Marvel glasses (Black Widow/Iron Man/Groot/Black Panther) that they've been selling for a while now (a while back I bought a Groot one to put some bamboo in) and had discounted all the way down to $1/each. I'm keeping them in their packaging for later resale in a few years. I also found a new, blown glass pumpkin for my collection that was 50% off because it was after Halloween. And then, of course, I got the SAMOSAS that I had GONE IN FOR ORIGINALLY lol.

Zehrs was followed by Metro, but I just went in there to get dumplings and managed not to get sidetracked for once and just came out with the dumplings and that was it. After Metro was Tombly's for worms for the axolotls, and again, that's a hunting and fishing store, so it's easy for me not to get distracted in there. Worms and go!

Lastly, we went to the dollar store by Giant Tiger (Dollar Joint? Dollar Tree?) so I could buy all the stuff I needed for the Samaritan's Purse Operation: Christmas Child shoe box that I picked up the other day. Basically, it's a Christmas decorated box that you fill with toys, hygiene items and school supplies and then you donate $10 for the shipping and the charity ships the box overseas. The boxes are all given out to children in need. It's a good program, I've done it before. SO. I bought a bunch of goodies for my box, but I also found a book for myself ("Girl One" by Sara Flannery Murphy; it sounds SO good and Mom agrees!) and I bought some little Halloween sun lantern things that were just TOO cute, even though I'm immediately going to be packing them away until next year haha.

Then we FINALLY went home and I put away all my perishables, and brought my bags up to my room and then just... died for a while. My back was KILLING ME. :|

In completely unrelated news, Itsy passed away and I don't know if it was from old age (if he WAS actually a male it's entirely possible) or because of all the pesticides we sprayed the whole house with a few days ago because of the cats/mites. (I'm lucky Winter and Shield didn't die from that, tbh.) In any case, RIP Itsy! You were a good boi (for a tarantula!)

Also, yesterday was November 1st, so it was the start of my unofficial NaNoWriMo/attempt to actually fucking FINISH TKA. I made my 1,667 word goal yesterday but I'm only around 450 words so far today, so I have to really get off my duff and get writing. The problem is that my brain is very stuck on Waiting On A Miracle (my Disney/Valdemar crossover fic) right now and I keep getting distracted by that. FOCUS. JUST FOCUS. >/

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: N/A: "Quarantine" on Riptide.

Way-back-when I wrote like four chapters of a Valdemar fic called Down Came A Blackbird, following Shadowshade k'Treva, his Bondbird crow Lale, his Companion, Cassandra, and the girls Mink and Taialyn and THEIR Companions, Uriana and Uriel. Also the Companion Yeo and her boy Julian (Chosen after her original Chosen, Neneya, was killed.) The story was basically about a vampire plague (the "Blood Plague") sweeping across Valdemar and a bunch of Trainees being the only ones who can stop it. Anyway.

After four chapters, I decided I didn't like it very much and deleted it (Kierseth was very disappointed), and after a couple of years I regretted it deeply because I decided that it had PROMISE and at that point the chapters that I HAD written were trapped on 3.5 floppy A drives that were completely obsolete. Blah.

So, I've been thinking about Down Came A Blackbird lately and considering the idea of actually writing it, starting over again from the beginning. I remember the general plotline and the characters (though Julian needs to be renamed because there's a Julian in Of The Deepest Dye; I might go with Lance.) But Shadowshade, Mink, Taialyn, all their Companions and everything. I do need to flesh out the cast a little but I think I could pull it off.

I just have a million other projects to finish first. :|

Speaking of finishing projects, today is the 30th, which means tomorrow is the 31st, WHICH MEANS IN TWO DAYS IT'S NOVEMBER FIRST AND THE (UNOFFICIAL) NANOWRIMO DURING WHICH I PLAN TO FUCKING FINISH TKA. I WILL BEAT THIS NOVEL IF IT KILLS ME, EVEN THOUGH I'M SEVERELY DISAPPOINTED WITH IT SO FAR. BLAH. WISH ME LUCK.

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: N/A: "Brilliant Minds" on Riptide.

So, ODSP finally, after FOUR MONTHS, got back to the Denturist about my claim: THEY DENIED IT. Because "not all missing teeth require dentures" which, okay, I'll give them that, but I AM MISSING ALL OF MY UPPER MOLARS, LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?? YOU'D THINK THAT'D COUNT FOR SOMETHING??

But ODSP is a BITCH and always HAS BEEN A BITCH so I'm not like... SUPER SHOCKED over this turn of events, either? The Denturist suggested I apply for the new Canadian Dental Benefits Plan (or whatever it's called) and try for the partial dentures through them because they cover more than ODSP does (which is a SAD STATE OF AFFAIRS, but whatever) so I applied and now I'm waiting for my application to (hopefully) get approved so I can give my coverage number to the Denturist and they can apply for my partials.

AGAIN. UGH. FUCKING ODSP.

Anyway. That aside, last night I gave the cats more Advantage because the first dose last month SEEMED to work really well... for like TWO WEEKS, and then they started itching again, and Pluto has huge bald patches by the base of his tail and on his legs, even worse than before, though the scabbing isn't as bad. So, I had to wait four weeks to give them their second dose and I'm just FINGERS CROSSED right now because if this doesn't work then at the end of November I have to pay to take at least one of them to the vet, and it's $250 just to walk in the door, never mind any treatment. And they might not even be willing to send meds home for the OTHER cat without SEEING HIM, TOO, which is another $250 at least.

So, today and tomorrow we're washing all the blankets, pillowcases and soft surfaces that we can to try to cut back on re-infection. Tomorrow is my day for washing all the blankets and stuff on my bed. And we have spray for the carpets and stuff, and then we're just like HOPING it's enough because I cannot afford $500+ to take Juna and Pluto to the vet AGAIN.

Like, I remember a time when the vet was expensive, but still REASONABLE, you know? It was $85 to walk in the door, which was still a lot for me, but was at least DOABLE. They've gotten so expensive now that I can't afford to even take my cats to the vet when they're fucking SICK, and you know what I get told when I complain about that? "You shouldn't own animals, then." And it's like FUCK, so owning companion animals is a privilege reserved only for the rich, now? It's not like I'm trying to maintain horses, or elephants, or llamas, it's just two little cats. Why should it cost so Goddamn much to get vet treatment for them? Why should it cost $250 just for the APPOINTMENT??

Because vets are fucking GREEDY, that's why. And they've got all of us with pets over their knee. We can't do anything but pay the cost or let our animals suffer and they know that, so they keep jacking up the rates for everything until they make themselves completely unaffordable.

I go to a vet that's kind of a conglomerate, though, there are three or four vet practices in town that are owned by the same people, and I really should shop around to the few that AREN'T part of that. Maybe one of them has cheaper rates for appointments and stuff. I know there's a new-ish one in town down by where Amy and Brit live that is supposedly better. Maybe I'll call them and ask about their pricing because Pine Grove has just gotten to the point that it takes me four months to save up JUST FOR THE APPOINTMENT, never mind any treatments the cats might need. >|

Current Mood: angry
Current Music: N/A

All my life I've had a weight problem that wavered between mild and serious. Psychologically, it's really done a number on me because my Step-Mom when I was like 6-->12 years of age OBSESSED over my weight and punished me for gaining even one pound (I was a growing child, mind you), and called me fat and obese on a regular basis, among worse things. Even when she was no longer in the picture, though, I couldn't get the thought that I was fat and ugly out of my head--I still can't even to this day.

Anyway, in my adult life my weight got to be extreme and was affecting my health negatively, so in 2010 I had a gastric bypass surgery to help me lose it, since nothing else I'd tried worked. It was so bad I had to sleep on my stomach so my weight wasn't crushing my lungs and I could breathe at night. The surgery was tough, and the recovery was a nightmare, but I lost the weight I needed to to be healthy (plus a little more) and for the most part kept it off, so it was in general a rousing success.

Then a couple of years ago, I started gaining weight again. And nothing I tried seemed to help. Not diets, not exorcise, not even MEDICATION, I just kept gaining. And Dr. K told me that in her experience, people who have a gastric bypass usually do well... for the first ten years, and then they gain the weight back. I guess I was lucky and went thirteen.

But I am SO ANGRY at the people who run the gastric bypass program that I went to. There were classes I had to take and everything, and at no point did ANYONE tell me that this was a temporary measure. If I had known, I never would have let them cut my stomach down to the size of a hard-boiled egg and cause me SO MANY gastrointestinal issues as a result. I would have just tried harder with the exorcise and diets, I guess, or just managed with my weight what it was. That is SO something they need to TELL PEOPLE before they get the surgery.

Now I'm stuck at 231lbs (I've lost twelve pounds over the last three months, go me) with a stomach that is almost constantly nauseous and hurting, having to take Gravol and painkillers all the time because of it and throwing up half the things I eat. It fucking SUCKS.

I'd sue somebody but I don't know who to sue. =/

Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: N/A

It used to be that Mom and Lee did the grocery list on Friday mornings and groceries got done on Friday afternoons. Then they decided they didn't want to get up early just to do the list (or, Mom didn't, Lee is up early every day but is INCAPABLE of doing the list without her) so they started doing to list Thursday nights. That fucked me up for a while because I was used to being able to add my stuff to the list until Friday morning, but whatever. Then they started doing the lists Thursday AFTERNOON. Then yesterday, without telling me, they did the list in the morning and then went out to FoodBASIC to do their shopping there immediately so Mom doesn't have to do it today.

And I was like um, that's nice, I had something I needed at FoodBASIC but whatever I guess. So, I sat on that ALL FUCKING DAY, and stewed, because it was SO INCONSIDERATE OF THEM. And then after Lee left for music, I went downstairs and VERY POLITELY asked Mom if, the next time they were going to a store early, they could please let me know, because I had something I needed at FoodBASIC and now it was too late.

AND THE FUCKING BURST INTO TEARS. Like I snapped at her, or yelled at her or something, she just started crying and saying how she could never do anything right and that kind of thing, and I was like... I said it SO calmly and politely, I don't know where the fuck this is coming from?? So, then, because SHE was crying I started crying and it was just one big clusterfuck. She's going "we didn't do it on purpose!" and I'm like "I never said you did, JFC WHY DO YOU ALWAYS TAKE EVERYTHING I SAY WRONG??"

Literally I can't say ten words in a sentence in this house without Mom blowing up at me, though usually she screams at me, she doesn't cry, which makes me think something else is going on. I know she's still in pain from this past weekend, so maybe that's it, idk. Either way, screaming or crying, I'm SO tired of getting blown up all over whenever I say anything around here. It's fucking infuriating. Makes me feel like less than a person.

We smoothed it over, and I'm going to apologize (again) today, even though I didn't do anything wrong, but idk... there just seems to be a communication barrier between me and Mom nowadays that was never there before. I think it's just because she's tired of me living here, and I don't blame her for that. I'm tired of living here, too. But like, I'm sure she didn't intend to have me still living here when she retired, and now it's been a year-and-a-half after that. The subsidized housing people really need to get off their asses, I swear.

I dunno, I'm hoping I can bribe her into loving me again with turkey burgers and the potato salad I made last night for dinner tonight. I guess we'll see.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: N/A

November is coming up fast, and that means another TKA Month! I'm doing it as my own personal NaNoWriMo challenge, since the NaNo went under earlier this year, so it's kind of a RIP NaNo Tribute and also me trying to FINALLY FUCKING FINISH TKA LIKE SERIOUSLY I MEAN GODDAMN.

I'm somewhat looking forward to it and somewhat dreading it because honestly I'm over writing this fucking book, I'm already at 131k+ for it and it just keeps going. And I don't feel good about it, either, I've said that before, I don't think it's good enough for publication especially, I think it's turned into something I didn't want it to and now I don't know what to even do with it, so working on it feels... pointless.

At the same time, I AM 131k+ into it, and I feel the need to finish it because I've already come so far. So, in November, I'm going to buckle down and finish my shitty, shitty novel, and then some time in the new year I'm going to EDIT said shitty, shitty novel, and hopefully in the meantime my feelings about it will... change? I dunno.

Then I'll let Mom read it (if she wants to) and get her opinion before I do anything else. I guess.

I don't know, the entire situation just sucks and I hate it. Boo.

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: N/A

Yesterday was Moving Day, so it started at 5am for me which SUCKED but was doable, and unfortunately necessary because of my whole morning will routine. If I didn't want to be throwing up all over the car when we left at 8am I needed to be up that early. Blegh. Pills.

Anyway, the day before I got food ready for us--2 tuna sandwiches, 2 egg salad sandwiches, grapes, mandarin oranges, baby carrots, cheese and crackers and granola bars--which sounds like a lot, but we had NO IDEA how long unloading at Dad's end was going to take so I was packing like we were leaving the house for 12 hours just in case. Right, so we tossed the cooler in the car along with a case of water that I bought last time I did groceries (it already had a set of shelves and a half dozen boxes in it that wouldn't fit in the Uhaul truck) and we were off!

We met up with Uncle Alec the other side of Barrie at a pit stop place so that we could follow him down because he went on Google and found a route that was different from our usual one that would take like an hour less time to get there. I bought them both coffee because I figured it was the least I could do, and myself a tea, all from Tim Horton's, and a couple of small bags of ketchup chips (because I have been crazing ketchup chips like WHOA lately) from the little convenience store there (they were NOT cheap) and after we sat for a couple of minutes we headed out again.

UNCLE ALEC'S SHORTCUT ROUTE WAS AMAZING AND GOT US TO DAD'S SO FAST and took us through the back roads so we got to see all the gorgeous trees this time of year, and Dad was like WTF when we arrived at like 10am instead of 11am lol. On the way down I had a tuna sandwich because I'd been up since 5am and I was starting to get hungry. I usually get up at 7am and eat at 10:30am or so, so the timing was about right. *shrug*

Lois' grandson, Connor, was there to help, and once Uncle Alec got the truck backed up to the storage container and the ramp pulled out, he and Uncle Alec pretty much unloaded the entire truck themselves in about 45 minutes flat. Like, the rest of us kept trying to help and just getting in the way so we eventually gave up and just let them have at it. :| Then the truck got moved and Mom's car got backed up for the shelves and boxes in IT, and we were done!

Everyone is always like "YOU HAVE SO MUCH STUFF" and I wish they would think about the fact that a) I'm a COLLECTOR and b) THAT IS AN ENTIRE APARTMENT'S WORTH OF STUFF. A WHOLE KITCHEN, A WHOLE LIVING ROOM, A WHOLE BEDROOM, ETC. IT'S ALMOST EVERYTHING I OWN, POSSESSIONS, COLLECTIBLES AND FURNITURE FOR A WHOLE LIVING SPACE. OF COURSE IT'S A LOT OF STUFF. *FACEPALM*

So, after that we hung around and chatted for about 30-->45 minutes, and it was SHOCKINGLY pleasant. I had REALLY been expecting to have to run interference between Dad and Mom and Dad and Uncle Alec, but everyone just had a cheerful conversation and Dad didn't even mention the fact that my brother has a Secret Family, which was something I was NOT supposed to tell him to begin with. :| So, THAT PART was also a smashing success!

Lois is doing REALLY WELL now that she's had the one hip replacement, though! It was so good to see, because the last time we were down she was hobbling around using TWO canes in the house (because a walker wouldn't fit, I presume) and basically not leaving the house. Yesterday she came out of the house to the former-kennels where the unloading was happening, cane-free, and stood around talking with everyone, and it was SO GOOD. I'M SO HAPPY ABOUT THIS LITERALLY I COULD CRY.

...but then we had to go (not before Dad took me to the barn and showed me his newest JP/JW dinosaur acquisitions; they're HUGE and GORGEOUSLY DETAILED and I WANT THEM, especially the Titanosaur and the T-Rex! He says I can have them when he dies but not before.) so we were off and my stuff is safe and not going to get thrown in the fucking dump in the spring! :D

Mom and I followed Uncle Len again to drive into Milton to the Uhaul depot there to drop the truck off, with a quick stop to gas up the truck because that's part of the contract, that you return it with a full tank of gas. While they were doing that, I went into the convenience store and bought myself a coke and a chocolate bar. Then we dropped the truck off, Uncle Alec joined us in the car, and we and tried (failed) to find like a McDonald's or a Subway or a Tim Horton's or something to have lunch at, and finally Uncle Alec was like "you know, I'd be fine with just a sandwich." SO INTO THE COOLER WE DOVE.

The rest of the drive home was pretty dull, just meaningless conversation and my back seizing up more and more because it turns out that even with not doing much of anything in hauling stuff from the truck to the storage container, just being in the car and driving for so long makes it act up. ~_~;;

When we got back to Orillia, Uncle Alec said goodbye and got in his own car and left, and Mom and I brought the cooler and everything in from the car and Lee was SHOCKED because we were home at like 2:30pm and not 7pm lol. He was making sweet-and-sour meatloaf and mac'n'cheese for dinner, which is probably my second favorite meal of all time ever (after a full-on Turkey Dinner) but it was still early so I grabbed my things and went to my room to have a nap before dinner... except I couldn't fucking sleep, thank you very much. >:|

In the end I just got back up. At least I RESTED for an hour and my back eased off a bit, right?

Anyway, dinner was FABULOUS and then I puttered around in my room working on designing and printing buttons (all the buttons I had printed before? Yeah, they were 1.25", and I just figured out a couple days ago that my buttonmaker is 1.5" so I had to RESIZE AND REPRINT THEM ALL. UGH.) and watching movies (Dead Snow is overrated and frankly offensive at times.) until it was time to feed Pluto and start my bedtime routine.

Also, I didn't log any writing on trackbear yesterday, since I didn't write anything, obviously, so I lost my streak. WHICH WOULD BOTHER ME MORE IF I HADN'T APPARENTLY BROKEN IT ALREADY LIKE NINE DAYS AGO?? I don't REMEMBER a day that I didn't post something, even when Riptide was in the shop (thank you Starlight!) but apparently it happened. I was up to something like 165 or 166 days, too. Boo.

Current Mood: tired
Current Music: N/A

Yesterday I printed out a bunch of info from the mayo clinic on ankylosing spondylitis and just left it on the table by where Mom was sleeping on the couch at the time, and then I laid down for a nap and when I got up like an hour and a half later, the papers were sitting on the side-table in my bedroom and I was like. Great. She probably didn't even READ them. BUT. When I went downstairs, she just kind of went "so, I guess lifting really IS out for you, huh?"

And I just. THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING. But Mom is the kind of person who can't just take your word for it, she needs to read the science stuff, and as frustrating as it is, I do understand that. I think now she finally GETS how colossally fucked my back and ribs and joints actually ARE, though when we go down to Dad's to offload my stuff tomorrow I guarantee she's going to conveniently forget and force me to help haul boxes and furniture, anyway. That's just how she is.

Speaking of tomorrow, I realized this morning when I was feeding Pluto that I won't be around to feed him tomorrow morning, so I have to ask Lee to do it. I know he'll say yes, but then I have to show him what to do (there's two whole steps but he'll still forget them) and kind of go FINGERS CROSSED and hope he even remembers to do it. Though Pluto will help with that, he's annoying enough when it comes to Food Time. :P

Today I have to make a bunch of sandwiches and get things ready for packing food tomorrow. I'm making four tuna sandwiches and two egg salad, and I got Mom to pick up some fruit cups (she got them packed in water. WATER. *facepalm* Whatever.) And some cheese and crackers, and some clementines. A can of Coke for me, and a can of Fresca for Mom. Maybe something else if I can think of anything. Granola bars? I have tons of those. Basically I'm packing for an entire day's worth of food 6am-->7pm (ish) so I want to cover our bases. Anything leftover can just go in the fridge when we get back home again. *shrug*

Other than that, the only thing to talk about is 28 Months Later. Basically, when the new 28 movie came out this year (28 Years Later) I was very disappointed in it in general, but also because they did 28 Days Later, then 28 Weeks Later, then SKIPPED 28 MONTHS LATER to go straight to the weirdness that was 28 Years Later, and this is not kosher with me, especially with how 28 Weeks Later ended, with the Infected arriving in Paris.

SO. To rectify this, I decided I'm going to write 28 Months Later just for shits and giggles. It's about a group of tourists (mostly; there are a couple of native Parisians) on vacation in Paris who then get trapped there when the Rage Virus hits. I'm still working out the details, and I have NO IDEA when I'm going to find the time to actually WRITE IT, but it has a cover so it's definitely happening! Oh, also, it touches on the Rage Virus in animals a little bit, which they never really did in the films aside from the chimps in the opening of the first one. :D

Current Mood: busy
Current Music: N/A

Yesterday I FINALLY took Jack out of his baby spider-plant pot (he was SO rootbound), cleaned him off, and put him in the spot in the axolotl tank next to Dean, which was originally reserved for Castiel. But I've been through several plants named "Castiel" and none have done well in that spot in the tank (mostly because of the fans), so I'm trying Jack there because spider-plants are SUPER hardy and tough to kill. (In theory.)

I DO have another Castiel for the aquarium, a swiss cheese monstera that I'm in the process of growing until it's big enough and has enough root structures to add. He'll have to go next to Sam, but I've decided that's fine. And this is all assuming I don't have to emergency pull Jack out of the tank again some time in the next few days. (I really think that spot might be cursed.) If I DO have to pull Jack from the tank, I'll have to pot him properly again and then try to find somewhere to hang him. Maybe in the library, if Mom will let me? idk.

The last couple of days I've pretty much just been working on Hippocratic and Of The Deepest Dye, though I did write like two lines for In Memoriam yesterday. Does that even count?

Today and tomorrow I can write as usual but then Sunday is the day Mom, Uncle Alec and I are moving my stuff from Baysville down to Dad's place. I have to get up at 4am on Sunday so I have time to do my pill-and-nausea routine before we leave at 6am (hopefully I can get some writing done in those two hours), and for some reason drive up to Baysville even though the truck will already be loaded and ready to go?? I don't understand why Uncle Alec needs us to come up at 6am when he is perfectly capable of driving the truck himself, and will be all the way to Dad's place anyway? But whatever, my opinion is worthless around here lately, so there's always that.

Mom is going up tomorrow pick up the truck and help load it, and she keeps talking about since I'm coming on Sunday I can help with the offloading, and I just... I WANT to, but I CAN'T. She says she gets it, but I don't think she really understands the condition of my back anymore. I can barely take care of cleaning the cat litter every night. Ankylosing spondolitis (or however you spell it) isn't a joke. It's CRIPPLING. And that's not even counting the fibromyalgia and arthritis.

But fine, whatever, I'll carry as much as I can (probably 3 boxes) until my back completely locks up on me and I'm in so much pain I'm crying. Helping, see? Mostly, on Sunday, I'm going to see Dad and act as a buffer between him and Mom and him and Uncle Alec. If I wasn't so worried about what might get said between them if I wasn't there, I wouldn't be going at all.

Tomorrow, at least, I'm going to make some sandwiches and stuff so we have Road Food because Mom doesn't want to spend any cash on food the next day. We already have a case of water to bring with us, and I can make up and pack some egg salad and/or tuna sandwiches, and we can use Mom's cooler backpack (since mine is lost in the recesses of the closet somewhere) and bring some fruit and maybe cheese and crackers and that kind of thing. Like picnic food. So, that's the plan for tomorrow while Mom is up in Baysville.

I'm always such a burden on the people around me, and most of it stems from the government not being willing to give disabled people a living wage. We get the BARE MINIMUM that THEY DECIDE we should be able to live on. The only reason I'm still living here (LONG after I've worn out my welcome) is that ODSP gives me less than $500/month toward rent, when you can't even rent a ROOM for that anymore. I don't know what they expect from me and people like me.

It was a little easier when I was working at McD's for those two years, even $250 per paycheck, which is what I averaged, so $500/month was IMMENSELY helpful. But that STILL wasn't enough to afford an apartment (I looked, GODS DID I LOOK) and besides which, over the time I worked there my back got worse and worse until I finally had to end up quitting because I couldn't do it anymore. So.

I just don't know what I'm supposed to do, anymore. =/

Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: N/A

Okay, so. I've decided to take a break from writing Horror High et al fics for a while. Basically, I started writing the original Horror High in AUGUST 2024 and I've been consistently putting out content for the series every week or two ever since (with the exception of NaNo '24 and a month I took off in the spring to work on TKA) and it's not that my INTEREST is starting to wane it's like... the HH et al part of my brain is starting to fray around the edges a little. I need some time to sew myself back up and work on other projects for a little while.

So, next week I'm posting Fetters, then all of November is my TKA NaNo Tribute, then in December I'm posting Temper Tantrums and Baby, and then... like 2-3 months of other stuff before I get back into HH et al. But it's fine because like two people follow the series anyway, so it's not like I'm disappointing a loyal reading fanbase haha. Like I said, I just need to work on other stuff for a while; Valdemar, The Witcher, Fear Street, hell, maybe even other SPN stuff that's unrelated to HH et al, you know? Just. a break. And then back to it!

(Like literally I was supposed to be writing Hollow Things this week and I just COULDN'T. My brain REFUSED.)

Right now I'm mostly working on Hippocratic, my House M.D./Valdemar crossover, which is coming along really well. It's up to 26 pages and 12,083 words and I just started writing Chapter 2. Also, I added Jessica Adams and Chi Park to the characters because I forgot them when I was first figuring out the cast. They're minor characters, but I wanted to include them. Now I'm trying to remember if there's anyone else important that I forgot to begin with or whatever. Maybe characters who weren't Doctors who could play other roles around the Collegium? idk idk idk.

I'm also still working (slowly) on my Valdemar one-shot, In Memoriam, which is maybe 1/3 finished? Which means it'll end up around 25 pages long (ish), which for ME for a VALDEMAR ONE-SHOT is freaking FANTASTIC. God bless ADHD medication.

Still feeling very disappointed in myself over how TKA has gone, but also still determined to finish it, regardless. I guess it all comes down to editing it and then deciding what I think. Maybe having Mom read it and give me some feedback. I'm just still really thinking it is NOT worthy of publication, even after all the time and work I put into it, even with how much I love the characters and the world, and that... yeah. It sucks. I dunno. We'll see.

Current Mood: blank
Current Music: N/A

I'm SO deep into writing TKA. I've been writing it for almost a year. Planning it for like three. I'm up to 258 pages and 131,641 words and counting, and I just... the last few days I've been thinking about it and. I don't think it's any good. I'm SURE it's not worthy of publication. And that realization hurts me SO much. That I've come so far and got shit to show for it. I'm SURE I've written better FANFICTIONS compared to TKA.

But then again... I'm sure the self-doubt comes along with being an author, right? So, I don't know.

Next month (November) I'm going to do one final push to finish writing it and hopefully get it done, and between that and editing it in the new year maybe I'll feel differently about it? Right now I'm just... I want to cry because TKA is my baby and I haven't done it justice BY FAR.

Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: N/A

Tonight I've been randomly thinking about this one November when I was a kid, around 8 years old I think? Mom, my brother and I went up to visit Grandma and Grandpa because it was the Baysville Christmas Parade that weekend.

Then it turned out that Grandma had been working with Ruby and her family on a float of their own, "Bayrassic Park", and my brother and I decided we really wanted to do it too since we were there and also because we were kids.

So, the NIGHT before the parade they were up making us costumes (I was a Cave Girl and my brother was a Giant Turtle, they had already made awesome dinosaur costumes for Rusty and Ben) and the man who was playing the actual Caveman was chasing me around Ruby's house trying to catch "his daughter." I was running away because I didn't know him and was PAINFULLY shy.

Then the day of the parade, they went around the route like three times because Baysville is so small, and every time they passed by Grandma, Mom and Ruby we all threw ALL the candy canes at them. It was so ridiculous, but we were kids, you know?

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: N/A: "[REC] 3 Genesis" on Riptide

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so today Amy and Brit are hosting a Thanksgiving Dinner at their place for those of us who are interested. I wanted to go, but Sarah (my oldest sister) and Heather (Amy & Sarah's Mom) will be there, and Sarah always brings her COMPLETELY out-of-control dog as well. I have as little to do with Sarah as possible because her behavior is ridiculous and makes me grind my teeth at the best of times, and Heather is an obnoxious drunkard so the less time I spend with her the better.

I put up with them at Christmas because I have gifts to give everyone (not Heather), but I avoid Thanksgiving and Easter and that kind of thing if at all possible. So, I'm sitting here at home watching movies and working on cleaning the axolotl tank and doing some writing with the vague promise of maybe a take-home plate when Mom and Lee get back.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Current Mood: blah
Current Music: N/A: "Resident Evil: Welcome To Raccoon City" on Bunny

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Sena

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Stealthy and sinister on the inside.

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