in my life

I wrote this on the week of October 13th – maybe one or two days later – and never finished the post, so never posted the post, and here I am stuck in this limbo of how do you post about anything when I still haven’t addressed That. So I will just was that now and take it from there.

( flashback to October musings )

I signed up for a professional class that work is very kindly paying for, which means I get to be a student one afternoon a week, which is fun but today was a bit, how do I call it, "the fuck".

First, I got my period, massively underestimated how that would progress during the day, and ended up with a gigantic stain on my jeans which like, you are NOT SUPPOSED TO GET AT 35, dear lord. Walked around with a long shirt tied around my waist like it was 1998. I don't think anyone noticed but wtf self.

So then I'm in class, and 2 hours into it we have a 15 minute recess and I step outside, and there's a TV breaking news livestream on, and out LEFT FIELD I find out that apparently Bibi and Trump and Mohammed bin Zayed negotiated a peace agreement between Israel and UAE?????? WHattttttttttttttttt????

My twitter reaction was basically that and guys, I am still not over it. First - absolute high school flashback to the time I went to an afternoon class and discovered 9/11 had happened and like, we were stuck in class while things were HAPPENING in the real world. But anyway, that aside, this is so - fucking confusing. I'm so conflicted between excitement and despair and hating the fact that Bibi and Trump are the ones who did this and also hating that this is so clearly manipulative and timed just before the elections, and as so many protests are going on, and it's so gross and cynical and definitely not ideal for the Palestinians but at the same time, it's been such a long time since anyone in the government used the word peace, made it any kind of priority, pretended to care about it, and it's so. effing. refreshing.

...while still being weird and wtf //o\\ and WHO JUST SPRINGS THIS ON PEOPLE.

I'm also excited at the prospect of being able to travel to the Emirates someday. It was always off limits and now it's - well, it won't be!

And all of this is so weird, because like, remember, it gives you a happy little whiff of "Peace! Score! \o/" while... not actually have been at war with the other country! Like, yes, I couldn't travel there, and their athletes sometimes refuse to play against ours, and I know a bunch of people who could only travel there while being undercover. But also: the reason they were there was - okay, I don't know exactly, but it had to do with intelligence and military cooperation. Like, not exactly things you do with your nemeses.

Anyway. This is all very weird. I will continue pondering I guess. I know that pretty soon I'll be hit with all of the "why this was bad/useless" takes, but for a moment I just want to dream, for a second, about the idea of peace.

*

MEANWHILE - I am deeply in Old Guard fandom these days, hi, and also will be spending the weekend camping in the desert! Under hopefully stars! These things are totally unrelated!

I have not actually talked about the State of Me on here, I think, but in general I am, 6 months after leaving my job, still in a state of uncertainty re: what the hell I want to do with my life - what direction to job search in, or alternatively study, or combine, or... something. It's the new year, which means I should take the time to reflect, and I am, but... it's really hard to reach any actual decisions. I read a metaphor recently about tahini, of all things, how the process of making it is neverending - you add water and it's too diluted, you add more tahini and it's too thick, you add more water and it's too diluted, more tahini and it's too thick, and it will never end until you decide: this is the tahini, and it's done. The metaphor was a little more sophisticated than that and doesn't apply to everything, but I wish that with regards to job/studies, at least, I could be decisive about something.

Sidenote: I couldn't remember the precise English words for 'thick vs ??' and googled 'thick vs watery' and every single result on the first page of google referred to thick vs watery semen. I feel like I shouldn't have been surprised by this, but it was still unexpected.

Anyway. Job/life situation aside, a few things I want to remember from the past week:

1. The one-year anniversary of Shimon Peres. ( cut cut )

2. Adventures in babysitting - a friend from the US stayed with me for three days with her two-month-old son. Despite the fact that lots of my friends have babies now, I don't have near aunt-like status with any of them, so while I've held babies, I haven't actually fed them formula or changed diapers since my sister was born in 1992. I am happy to have successfully done both now, as well as babysat all by myself for five whole hours and sung the baby to sleep multiple time, which was deeply satisfying - both being able to help out my friend, but also just that feeling of being able to soothe a restless child. I've been thinking a bit about having kids; when I was a kid I was sure I'd have kids just because I thought everyone had them, and I never thought about too hard, always knowing that there'd be time; but I'm 32 now and I'm thinking about it because whether I end up having kids or not, I want it to be by choice. I think I'm going to set up a meeting with a fertility doctor to learn about the process/options of egg freezing, which seems like a smart thing to do just in case? I've been setting up a bunch of neglected doctor appointments recently - I literally got my first pap smear ever last week - so perhaps my healthcare momentum will continue.

3. The day before Rosh Hashana, we went up north to my cousins in the kibbutz to watch their production of the musical Halehaka (The Troupe). It was a lovely event - as usual their community events always feel like Stars Hollow to me. They'd built the set in a clearing outside, and all of the participants were kibbutz members or adjacent; my cousin choreographed, her husband adapted the play from the original script, another cousin had a small part, and their kids had all watched rehearsals to the extent they knew most of the play by heart, and enjoyed it every time (the girls, aged 7-11, were thrilled. So it was very fun - except from that small matter of this being a play about (a) a military (b) singing group (c) from the '70s ----> which means so, so many sexist jokes or jokes about sexual harassment, which was just /o\. Disappointing, to say the least, and I was really kind of surprised that my cousin's husband, who is one of the loveliest human beings I know, didn't remove some of those jokes from the script. Because I found myself sitting next to the 7-year-old, who was enjoying the show, but then asked me: "I don't understand why that's funny, why is everyone laughing?" after the exchange between the band's director (and CO) and the lead singer, when he told her lasciviously: "So, how about you come to my quarters tonight and we'll work on your parts?", and the entire audience laughed, and like... ////o\\\. You are right, child, it is not funny at all and yet everyone is laughing at this joke your uncle wrote, and I can't begin to explain why right now. It was just a moment of, oh, society, let's just be better about this, okay? Halehaka is a classic and I love it for what it was, but it's 2017 and we can be better.

(That said, there will never be a fandom where I don't for a moment daydream about what the Halehaka AU for it would look like. It's the perfect teen drama/military/band on tour AU for everything.)

4. I have a bunch of thoughts on Conan O'Brien's Israel special, but overall I can say that it's one of the funniest outsider depictions of Israel I've seen and overall I really enjoyed it, especially Conan's interactions with random folks who are all super super real, and the small details that just feel so, so local. You can watch the clips here, including more clips linked at the bottom of each page. I was going to add another tangent here but on second thought I have deleted it and idk, if anyone wants to talk about the episode let me know I guess. I've also watched the fourth season of Transparent, which is set in Israel and the West Bank, and was certainly interesting and not off the mark for what it was trying to tell, I think. Lots of Israel in media, I guess.

5. The Good Place is back! And wonderful. Star Trek: Discovery was cool as well. And B99's back on tonight so hopefully September will be ending on a good note.

6. All of my Yuletide nominations have been approved! I encourage y'all to listen to The West Wing Weekly so that you may be inspired to write fic, to watch Younger if you're into romantic comedies and romance novels set within the publishing industry, and uh, watch youtube clips of Anthony Mackie being awesome in interviews so that you may perhaps be inspired to write fic about him as well.

I did not post this in time to with everyone a shana tova, but shana tova, y'all. Here's to an excellent תשע"ח or 2017-18, whatever you prefer <3

I don't even know what to say. Even after this exact same thing happened in the latest Israeli elections, even after Brexit, I honestly didn't think that it could happen.

The shock will fade in a few days and won't feel as visceral. But ugh. This is gutting. I'm sorry.

*hugs everyone*

One of the frustrating things about not posting here is that I constantly want to post, like, every day I phrase posts in my head and put my thoughts and memories into sentences that make sense and prepare myself for chronicling them here and sharing them with you guys - and then I get home, and it's late, and I'm tired, and I can consume (but barely participate) in everything internet through my phone and tablet, and so I don't.

So it's not like I've forgotten about LJ/DW and a month after I last posted I'm back here waving hi. I feel like I've been here this whole time - reading (well, not everything every day, but reading most of it), and it's always on my mind when things happen, except at the end of the day a month has passed since I last posted and there's nothing to show for it.

A lot has happened this month, including many nice things - visiting friends and good weather and family events and watching Avengers and hockey and stuff. And instead, what prompted me to finally post has been just unbearable rage at a freaking facebook post by, ugh, I can't even say it, our new Minister of Education, Naftali Bennet.


( his cut is to protect you from political stupidity )

Two of the big polls are showing 27 seats each for Labor/Zionist Union and for Likud. The third big poll is showing 28 for Likud, 27 for Labor/Zionist Union.

These are only initial results but god. So. So. So. Depressing.

I wouldn't have even cared if we hadn't had elections. There was a government. It had momentum. But once it dismantled, once the campaigns started going, once the polls started showing a bigger and bigger dissent with Bibi, once I started imagining what a government led by Herzog might actually look like - all of a sudden there was hope, and ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh these results are so dismaying.

My very first LJ post was on Election Day, 2003. Ironically, it - and ha, every single elections day post I've made since, this is my fifth - is basically a disappointed vent. Not that everything would be roses and butterflies if the Zionist Union had a bigger majority - but I would have more hope, at least, for things improving.

Idk. I guess I should just hold off on the disappointment of not seeing any immediate decisive change, which wasn't really going to happen anyway, and wait for the conclusive results tomorrow. And wait to see who actually ends up forming a coalition. he polls could be off.

It's just... tiring, and despairing, and I don't want to hope and be disappointed again, sigh.

I'll wake up tomorrow and see what awaits, I guess.

More weather updates from the weekend: I drove to Haifa for a friend's birthday on Friday morning, and this is how the drive went:

1. drizzle drizzle drizzle
2. 30 minutes of crazy downpour, the kind where I slowed my drive to a crawl cause I could barely see past the sheet of water
3. lightly overcast sky, with lightning occasionally striking in the distance (including a memorable rod directly into the ocean)
4. Haifa - alternating rain, sun and hail
5. Driving back - about three minutes when it was hailing on the car while the sun was shining?(??)
6. the Tel Aviv-Haifa drive is on a coastal road, and there was a ten minute stretch on our way south where on our right was the ocean, brilliant sunlight flashing off the waves, and on our left was a dark gray cloud storming over the hills and town of Zichron, occasionally hitting the ground with lightning, but with the setting sun lighting it up in yellow from outside, so it seemed like sections of the cloud were kind of... glowing from within. WITH LIGHTNING COMING OUT. It was pretty spectacular.

Meanwhile, I read this What It's Like Living In Boston Right Now piece, and gah. *hugs* to everyone who is currently in the cold, especially if you don't have the supporting infrastructure.

Speaking of people from - sorry, Vermont - frozen wastelands, I met sabra_n last night! It was so much fun hanging out, and I wish it was not a rainy gloomy suburban weekday where restaurants and cafes closed at midnight, instead of later. I could have easily stayed another couple hours. Why do I not live closer to all you guys irl, sigh. In any case I am always happy when you come to visit :-) More people should do that.

*

I went to see Tzippi and Buji speak on Saturday night, and by that I mean Tzippi Livni and Buji Herzog, current leaders of the opposition... in a sense. Only typing this did I just realize just how much calling politicians by their nicknames, ie Tzippi, Buji, Bibi, makes it sound like this country is being herded by a bunch of cats. Anyway, it was rather pointless; they basically try to say as little as possible so they can get as many votes as possible without scaring anyone away. I hate that their campaign slogan and entire strategy is "It's us or HIM." That said, what can I say, I hope it works.

*

In hockey news, a retired (=had career ending concussions) NHL player, Steve Montador, died yesterday at 35. It's, well, first of all, sad. It's being investigated because of his age, and I have no idea if this will be officially associated with his history of concussions, but I'm sure it will spark some kind of conversation about violence/injuries in the game. I... really don't have anything to say about the topic, other than I'm curious to see if and how it unfolds.

In other hockey news, I must have watched Patrick Kane's shootout goal from last night about 10 times now and don't show any indication of stopping /o\

For the record, Israeli governments are elected to four year terms. Since the 1992 elections, we should have had - '92, '96, '00, '04, '08, '12 - 6 governments.

And here we are:

'92, '96 (after PM was assassinated in '95), '99, '01, '03, '06, '09, '13, and now officially headed to '15. That's 9 elections, in the time it's taken the US to have three presidents.

Even if I don't agree with government leadership or policy, at the end of the day, there are actual ministries running in the background doing important things, and we need to have at least one government complete a FULL FUCKING TERM for once to be able to actually get long term things done, ugh. This is going to be such a waste of time and money, and I should see it as an opportunity for change, but at this particular point in time, I am so scared of what the election results might look like.

Work, at least, is better. After having finished dealing with 90% of my old fuck ups that dragged on forever in the past two weeks, I had, in what I thought would be the worst timing ever, my half-yearly review this afternoon... which was excellent? I'm consistently awed at job reviews how much confidence my bosses have in me doing a good job. I swear it's because I wear glasses (they make me look smart) and stay late hours (an illusion that I work hard instead of have terrible time management skills). Sigh. But at least the review made me far less stressed in everything related to my actual job.

( and then this post devolves into more ~situation~ talk because why not )

Okay, for real next post needs to be about fandom because there's a fic rec I've been sitting on for like two months and it was a WIP that was FINALLY finished last week and ahhh I want to rec it so bad. And rec more things. I've had, like four of my prompts filled at the hockey kink meme, it's amazing. So many good things are happening in hockey these days. It's really freaking fun.

ETA: noooooo I'd forgotten there was a new Masters of Sex episode to watch and now it's already 1AM! Gah. Dnw to wait until tomorrow to watch, will definitely fall asleep if I watch it now. The eternal struggle.

Well. The potential ceasefire lasted exactly 45 minutes, so that went nowhere fast. As usual there was little affect in Tel Aviv - a single siren Tuesday afternoon. But Tuesday was a long, long day - this entire week has been one of the most stressful weeks I remember having in a really long time. Part of it was The Situation happening in the background, but part of it was just work: me finally gathering the mental energy and courage to handle some things I've let drag on for waaaay too long, and spending the entire week hashing over my mistakes and dealing with them. And most of them are behind me now, thank god, all except for one, but I left work after 9PM twice, and on Tuesday night I just got home so late, crashed in the living room with the lights on after dinner, woke up at midnight and couldn't sleep; at 3AM baby sister texted the family a screenshot of the homepage of a major news site headlined by this photo - "I'm in the front truck", she wrote, while the caption read IDF trucks gather at the Gaza border. AND I'M SUPPOSED TO SLEEP AFTER THAT. Spoiler: I didn't :/

I ended up finally falling asleep after 5AM. It took me forever to drag myself out of bed, and it was ultimately a morning siren that forced me out - didn't go all the way down to the first floor shelter, but technically going down two floors and standing in the stairwell is enough, which is where I ended up meeting some neighbors for the first time in my PJs. BUT it was over soon enough, and I was not late for work, and I continued dealing with the stupid things I had put off for so long. Thankfully, the day ended with meeting minglingcrab and marina, which was like, hello, breath of fresh air, and calm, and fandom and recs.

Today was - well, work was productive but horrible, and at least this week is over. In the evening I met a few friends in Holon, celebrating her completing her degree. Dessert was interrupted by a siren, the first time I've experienced one in public instead of at home/work; it was pretty well organized, all in all, signs pointing to a shelter in the building, everyone cramming in from the complex and the street.

And it was good, it was okay, and now there's been a ground invasion to Gaza.

My facebook feed is seriously gross right now. I just turned off the news, which are just regurgitating the same 30 second clips they have of soldiers getting prepped and the Gaza night skyline glowing with explosions. I really, really hope this will be over soon. It's useless to keep saying that and then do nothing about it, but well. I still do.

There are countless videos and clips about the situation and I'm not sharing any of them, but this video is well-made and chilling and all I have to say right now.



(I'm getting tired of this. Next post I make will be about fandom. It's the Blackhawks annual fan convention, and I have not forgotten. They have a panel called "Blackhawks Baby Boom", okay. There was just an article out titled "Blackhawks' Kane, Toews more than Teammates." You can see why this is a fandom.)