I posted this at ff.net a few years ago, and am reposting here for the first day of daysofawesome, while Rosh HaShana is still fresh in the mind; Gedaliah fic (which I can't believe I actually wrote) will wait for tomorrow.

The Virtues of a Pomegranate (West Wing)
(PG-13, ~1400 words, Josh, Donna)
Summary: It's Rosh HaShana and Josh decides to get festive. If you can call it that. All dialogue, Season 2-3-ish.


"Good morning, Josh."

"Good morning, Donna. Happy new year."

"I'm sorry?"

"Happy new year, you charmingly ignorant Protestant. Today's the beginning of the Jewish new year. My mother didn't tell you?"

"Why should your mother have told me this?"

"I thought you had some weird psychic spy-network on me going on."

"Because our entire lives revolve around you."

"Was that an agreement?"

"Uh... no..."

"Right. Well, I'll just go to my office and work for a bit."

"Sure."

"If you don't mind."

"Of course not."

"See, what I need you to do is move out of the way first."

"Oh. Sorry. Ow!"

"What?"

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"You poked me with something!"

"Donna!"

"No, I mean something kind of sharp--but not really."

"Donna--"

"When you squeezed past me we sort of rubbed against each other and--"

"Donna, I'm begging you to stop with these descriptions--"

"--and something you were holding sort of poked me in the arm."

"Oh. This."

"What is that?"

"It's a pomegranate."

"I can see that it's a pomegranate, I mean what is that doing here?"

"I brought it in."

"Again, Josh, thank you for stating the obvious. Don't give me that superior look. It's not as if you grew it yourself."

"It's actually, if you must know, the President."

"Are you sure?"

"I meant--"

"Mr. President, are you in there?"

"Ba-da-bing! Donatella Moss, everybody."

"Well, I try."

"Says the woman who can only bring dead audience jokes."

"They were good jokes, Josh. So you were saying that this pomegranate is, in fact, the leader of the United States?"

"Look, it's like this: eating pomegranates is one of the traditions of Rosh HaShana. This year I've decided that each of you are gonna be a tradition. You're always complaining that I'm not festive enough. This is me being festive."

"You're being a rather cranky festive person."

"Donna, don't start."

"No, I mean, first you're poking me with things and then you're laughing at my jokes..."

"Sounds like normal to me."

"You don't normally poke me with things!"

"I don't? ... oh, ahem, that's right, I don't."

"What did you think--"

"Nothing. I'm happy now. I'm festive. See? Smiling."

"Constipated. Now tell me the real reason."

"The real reason?"

"All of this. Pomegranates. The other food in that little knapsack."

"Look, every year Toby teases me endlessly and belittles my knowledge of Jewish holidays."

"That's because you know nothing about them. You have no knowledge of them. Your knowledge of them amounts to the fact that they exist. You know that they happen, at some point, during the year."

"Well, I don't intend to let him win! I spent all night researching traditions."

"And to think some people only do it to be righteous and good."

"Simpletons. And thanks, by the way, for defending my vast intellect earlier there. It's much appreciated."

"Least I could do for you, Josh. Hey, I just figured out the real reason you brought all these things in."

"Did you? After I straight out told you what it was? How clever."

"That's not the real reason. The truth is that you brought in all this food in for me."

"Did I? That's interesting."

"You're very sorry that you can't give me a pay raise so in the meantime you're making an effort to compensate by bringing me treats to the office."

"Yes, that must be it… You’ve caught me, Donna."

"Don't laugh at me."

"I've brought you my goody-bag full of sweets. Oh, look, here's a dead fish."

"Oh, gross! Put that down, Josh!"

"It's a fish head, Donna."

"Stop! Stop! Josh! Don't touch me!"

"...and I never thought that's what you'd be screaming..."

"Get away from me, you sick person."

"It's Toby, Donna. It's the head of a fish so that `we may be like a head and not a tail.' Of course, I made him Toby because, well, he's the fish head."

"That's just... such an incredibly bad metaphor, Josh. Did you really have to stink up the entire office for it?"

"Don't mock the prophets, Donna."

"The prophets aren't going to be working here until one AM tonight, are they?"

"Bygones, bygones. Anyway, aren't you curious who the rest of the people are?"

"Curious, no. Vaguely fearful, perhaps."

"Well, the pomegranate is obviously the President, because he has a crown. The many-seeded pomegranate is celebrated during this holiday to mark our fruitfulness and the many mitzvas we have to carry out."

"You made up, like, three words in that sentence."

"Don't mock my vocabulary, Spatula-is-Yiddish Girl."

"I said it should be Yiddish, not that it is Yiddish. Toby actually passes these things on to you?"

"He mentioned it when he ridiculed my familiarity of Sukkot, which we will be reviewing in a few weeks. And now, back to my bag."

"Yay! A calf head next!"

"Oh, no. We're Eastern-European Jews--we don't do that."

"Oh, my God! People do that?"

"That's for you not to know and me to… uh, find out later. Anyway. Here."

"An antler."

"It's a ram's horn."

"You're bringing pieces of dead animals into the office and calling them festive, Josh. Are you sure Judaism isn't a jungle cult?"

"What, you can't tell the difference between an antler and a ram's horn?"

"You're right, I can't believe I made it to the age of twenty-eight. Besides, you should talk, Panda-Bear."

"I really think I finally got that one down. They're the ones with the orange stripes, right?"

"Just talk about the horn, Josh."

"It's called a Shofar, and it's blown to `arouse the people to examine their deeds and to repent for the misdeeds of the past year'. Here, I'll show you--"

"Oh, God, Josh, stop that! It sounds like a dying elephant!"

"Again, not what I ever thought you'd be screaming at me."

"Give me that thing before the Secret Service gets in here. Who is this supposed to be?"

"Why, CJ, of course."

"Why CJ?"

"Because she's long and she's loud. Ow! Why do women keep doing that to me?"

"You pig."

"What, I can compare Toby to dead fish but I can't call CJ long and loud? That's sexist."

"Hmm. You're right."

"Ow!"

"Don't be mean to Toby either."

"I'm starting to suspect there's some magnetism here. Some crazed out freak magnetic field that draws female palms to my head."

"Magnetism. Between me and you. Please."

"Yes. Haha. And now, continuing, I produce my carrot."

"Can't wait to find out what it is."

"Always the eager pupil, Donna. The `merren' in Yiddish, that's `more' for you, symbolizes that we want more of the good things in life. More health, more happiness, more success. Which is just what I want for Leo, to whom I designated this tradition."

"Aw, Josh."

"Also, Margaret slightly resembles a carrot."

"I should have known that was coming. Clearly, what I really need to do is smack you again, but I don't sense that's having any significant effect on you."

"I knew you would learn someday."

"Nevertheless."

"Ow!"

"Bring it on, Josh. My palm awaits."

"Next we have these apples. These apples are Sam. Because… well, because I couldn't find anything else that fit him. There's also some story about how Jacob smelled like apples at some point and Jacob and Samuel are both in the Bible, so there's a distant connection..."

"That's very well thought out."

"Okay, so I was reaching. Just accept the fact that Sam is apples and move on."

"Okay."

"Well, back to work, then."

"What?"

"Back. To Work. It's a thing we do around here. Well, most of us."

"Aren't you forgetting someone?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Think harder."

"I've got Sam, Toby, CJ, the President, Leo... Margaret, to an extent..."

"Me, Josh. You're forgetting me."

"Oh, that's right…"

"You know what? I am this close to smacking you again."

"Geez, Donna, when did you become so violent?"

"Josh."

"Fine, fine. But, you gotta understand, this is a brand new shirt my mom sent me for the holidays so I don't want any... tear-stains, or whatever."

"You don't want any blood on it either, I assume. Start talking."

"The apples... you don't eat them alone. You eat them with honey, to symbolize the wish for a good and sweet year. You're the honey, Donnatella."

"Oh, Josh..."

"No--don't--it's strictly because you're blonde, you understand?"

"Uh-huh..."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"You can let go now, Josh."

"I actually... now that's we're being open with each other..."

"We were being open with each other?"

"...I feel like I can tell you the real reason for eating the pomegranate."

"Um, you're standing awfully close..."

"It's to symbolize the greatest mitzva of all..."

"...and what's with this smirk, anyway?..."

"...which is..."

"Josh? Dramatic pauses-- not your thing."

"...`Go forth and multiply.'"

"Oh."

"Yes."

“Well.”

“Hmm.”

"...Go back to work, Josh."

~*~