34 Laughter – A Cat In The Hat Spin On Aging

Shifting through my email I found…A rhythmical spin on the “Cat in the Hat” nursery rhyme (Green Eggs & Ham) on aging, I got a real kick out of it so I thought I'd share;

(Aging) 

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

Oh my God what can I do?

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My mood is bad – can you tell?

My body’s drooping

Have trouble pooping

The golden years

Has come at last

The golden years

Can kiss my ass

 

NOTE:

Laughter is good for the soul, it keeps you vital and young at heart, find a reason to laugh everyday and pass the joy on to someone else. Do not allow drama and challenges ruin your whole day.

34 Laugh, cry, shake my head and wonders why

A woman’s public washrooms dilemma….it’s so scandalously ridiculous I got to tell it. No, no shame, just keeping it real.

At Walmart-the bend crawl:

That time of the month, ran into a Walmart first act of business, answering natures call. I ran to the washroom thanking the heavenly father for “hold it power”, do my business; reach for the toilet paper…the roll is on the ground.  Yes, THE. ROLL. IS. ON. THE. GROUND. The big ass roll of toilet paper, on the blasted ground, granted it was standing up on one side not laying flat, thank God for small mercies but it was still ON THE GROUND. What do I do? In the locked stall I waddled to my purse handing on the door a few metres away because there was no hooks in this particular stall. My ass in mid air sticking out with no modesty, back low, knees bent, moving slowly, I reached my goal and retrieved my tissues.  Once I fixed myself I picked up the big ass roll of toilet paper, rolled it out and flush the parts that were on the ground and then propped it up on the hand rail behind the toilet. When I told my sister who was waiting outside for me, she laughed her blooming head off imagining me doing the bend over crawl/walk. She was laughing so hard I had to join in-what can I say, you got to laugh at yourself sometimes. Afterwards I reported to the powers that be in Walmart about the toilet paper on the ground and not in a holder.

At Work-Toilet paper caper:

Ever had issue trying to get a piece of toilet paper after you have used the washroom and end up fighting with the damn thing and cursing a blue streak? If you have then you will know my frustration if no well lucky you, me not so lucky.

After sitting at my desk a long time without a washroom break I was racing to the washroom, no time for chit chat, anyone trying to get my attention got a face full of teeth (forced smile) and a waving hand followed by a monosyllabic squeak “washroom” while I bullet through the doors. Unlocking the door I ran into the washroom, a quick one two check, seat clean-yes (even though I don’t sit I squat), toilet paper there-yes, all is right with the world. I do my business relief watering my eyes. I reach for the toilet paper and it tears. One tiny piece, I suck my teeth and tried again, again another small piece. Frustrated I moved myself being careful to remain hanging over the toilet bowl and I tried again, this time I am talking to myself, ‘come on, come on….just move dammit!’ nothing, it’s stuck.

I take deep breath turning slowly while keeping my derrière hanging over the bowl. With a determined reach using my right hand while my left held onto my clothes, I grabbed  the toilet paper roll, rolled it first right-nothing, then left-nothing, then right again and I managed to grab a piece without tearing it. Using my fist I push up to release it the toilet paper as it was getting stuck (the reason for the premature tearing) so it could move to give me more paper. I developed a rhythm, push up, release, pull, push up, release, and pull until I got enough. Gratified but exhausted I wonder, ‘why the hell does these kiss-meh-arse toilet paper have to be so difficult to rollout.’ I mean if the walls could talk they would be screaming for me to cover up all my stuff hanging out practically drip drying like a frigging idiot in a half stoop position trying to get a decent piece of paper to wipe my ass. What the hell is that about, it’s bloody frustrating; the only saving grace in the experience is that I was alone and didn’t have a witness to the show.

I wish they would come up with a better way for the toilet paper to roll out when it’s full and when it’s almost empty. It would make life so much easier. Later of course I laugh myself silly when I thought about my hunched over half naked exposed self from the waist down with my pants and panties around my knees held there by my left hand so it does not touch the ground. However at the time it simply was not funny.

Do you have a public washroom dilemma?

26 Sesame Street: Grover And A Fly In My Soup & Kermit Reports News On Rapunzel

I remember watching sesame street as a child and I must confess well into my teenage years/young adulthood. It was hilariously learning entertainment that still makes me laugh today. Here’s two of my favourites. Just came from YOUTUBE, watching, remembering and laughing. Thought I'd share. Have your kids watch too.

Enjoy A FLY IN MY SOUP

I especially love, love, loved RAPUNZEL Just gut wrenchingly funny.

They just don’t make them like this anymore, what a crying shame. Depressing really. You’d think with modern technology all would be better. Well, yes and no. Better graphics sure, content however, well, that’d debateable.

51 Sifting through my email.......

Sifting through your emails can be very time consuming. It literally takes hours to sift through my emails, although my home one is better than others as it is seldom shared and designated to a specific few it can be a bit tedious. Don’t even ask me about my email at work, I am yet to get through the 100’s I got when I returned to work in January, which is another story for another time. Preferably when I am not dead tired with a pulsing headache behind my right eye that is preventing me from sleeping making the idea of blogging preferable to feeling the endless jabs in the eyeballs while attempting to sleep.

Oops where was I........? Oh yeah! Sorry about that, I was sifting through my emails not bothering to open some instead just deleting them as they are from the same people who never bother to inquire how I am. Even when I reply sending my regards and inquiring about how they are there is no response except for another onslaught of emails.

After I finished my ritual trigger mouse click/delete, I opened one from my FABULOUS COUSIN. The woman is a dynamo, could hold her own, out run any man and smart as a whip but Lord at times she’s got outrageous sense of humor with a belly laugh that would tickle you down to your toes. So I am the latest recipient of her wit.

Here is her latest justification for her preference of wine to water. Enjoy……

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.

• As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
• In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
• In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
• However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
• Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health.
• Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
• There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service

See what I mean?

3 Boobs vs. Willies - Laugh of the day

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'. 'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?' The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?' 'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration’ .