Tag Archives: time

Memories

It’s been years and years but they still flop onto the scene of my mind from time to time.
Could be a song, could be a bug I see crawling on the cement.
They are powerful. It’s not just out of no where.
There is usually a longing and a sadness equipped.

At the time I didn’t realize how impactful it would be
that part of life of being alive.
It’s a cauldron of time that hold a lot of my life.

Memories vivid and gripped.
I’m scared to believe that I’m losing more of them as we go further
but there’s a reassurance when one pops in.

For I know the feeling associated with it all
and that I will not forget.

More Control Equals Less

I fear my fear of losing control is what produces the uncontrol.
Some of it is just inevitable. And frankly, I’m sucking at dealing with it. My son is affected by Time- go figure. He’s gonna need me and want me around less. Resisting that just creates conflict.
In relationships, it’s okay to not have it. Why do I feel I need to have a certain grip on it. That I own it.
Am I that insecure?
Is the rest of my life so in shambles that I require some stability where it involves someone?

Oh. In the past, did I feel most confident and superior in relationships where I knew/felt I had the upper hand? And began relying on that as my peace of mind and source of happiness?
I have an unhealthy relationship with the stuff. Control.

Good larwd, the tangles I now must unweave.

Choices

I’m struggling with little choices. I get really overwhelmed by them. Mostly ones dealing with son. It’s like I can’t construct the reasoning within, quick enough. I get flustered and out of sorts and it’s a little bothersome. I’m trying to voice that I need more time to make this decision. But even that is difficult.

A few people asked to get together this weekend and truly there is no desire to go out of my place. The grey and the chillier air has something to do with it, but really, I’m content to stay inside. There’s plenty to do here that I enjoy.
I felt conflicted with my decision still. So I sat down and mentally went through the reasons why I was struggling with the response and thought about what I really wanted to do. I thought maybe it was time to go out and experience a sober hang out, maybe I could take away some real gems for myself on myself. Then I wondered why I was pushing myself into a situation I didn’t even want to put time into, just to make them happy – even in the long run. And once I held up my decision in the light, it felt so liberating. I cast it forward and felt confident enough in it that I didn’t care if it disappointed them. This is my Saturday night and I am finally placing more value on my time and leading myself to places of fresh water.
I don’t know if I’m getting ahead of myself. It does feel that I could crack and cave in on myself on any given day. But there are treasures in all of this and I can’t seem to grab them fast enough.
My mind does seem full. Maybe I need to write more for clarity.

Loving a Life

So as my son starts his 12th year of living and I start my 36th, may I understand what I know now is something he doesn’t yet. And the things he’s learning and ways he is changing, it’s a part of him and I can love all of that even if it I get emotional. Because it is life and my son has one

Weekend Wisps

It’s the first Friday in August.
I joined a sober app.
Some really get the shakes and seem to be way worse off then I am. Everyone’s got their own struggle.
I do feel irritable. And I don’t have a high energy level. However, I do have a positive attitude.
Motivational podcasts feel smooth to the soul and gentle to my heart.
For the first time ever I bought non alcoholic wine. Even though the real stuff is on the shelves RIGHT beside it. Until today, I never have thought about how that could be a problem for some.

I’m by myself on Tuesday at work again. I don’t even have feelings about it yet. The dread hasn’t formed but something tells me, my unconscious mind will devour unhealthy and try and kick me down a few notches. But I’ll focus and do some studying. Last time went pretty good. My boss even said he was impressed.

Hunkered in for the night. Even though it is beautiful outside, it’s beautiful in my being too.

Undetermined Truth

The splatter of confliction and confusion,
lines in layers
on her face.
Excitement and trepidation,
smuggle their way into the
bloodstream that carries her to bed.

Are these feelings misrepresenting
the facts?

She applies a resistance,
coated in steel warmth.
Takes the delight on a date,
entertaining alone
the origin of the undetermined truth.

Sool

You are the soulstice to my ever glowing nature. The soulutions I find in my everyday.
Your soulfullness resonates in my bones, that warm laundrified fuzzy blanket against bone skin.
How soulganic we are in our soulitude. You soulidify so much purpose in my being, that soulving kind of souldier, dedicated not to beat the problems, but to make them understood.
The absoulute of my breath, the consoulable feature of all teddy bear grub.
My resoulationial feats when I get stuck in mind mud. I’d stay in isoulation with you, fuel ourselves with our gasouline and live in the factual heat. That all of this means
you are my soul mate.