Tag Archives: survivor

Rising


The more I use and keep my boundary, the more I see it. The stronger I get. How obvious you are to me now. I feel throw up in my heart sometimes at how insanely clear it is. I am not scared of you or of myself with you. Yet I know how strong the stuff is. The method you use. I know it works. I have been a part of the part where it works.
I am not struggling with being friendly enough to not be rude anymore ( I could care less of being rude to you but for the sake of not digging in to your treat bag, I summon a no go zone ). I used to feel uncomfortable in person when I gave you grey rocks. Now? I don’t even flinch at your stupid grin or exasperation. You’re just a sick person with a sick heart and I will not give in to your incessant persistency. The stuff you don’t get bored of giving because you feed off of when the pressure cracks and makes victims. But I do not continue as victim. All though I will always have to deal with the caliber of your disorder, I am a surviving individual. I cannot control how you will show up, but I can control how I carry myself- and I choose strength, consistency and peace.

Control

If control is a power that I struggle with not having, in what ways can I create, can decide
to have control over?
I can’t undo or toss a blanket of control over past decisions and have that warm it up. I was trying that but feeling sorry for myself in the process.
I can understand even then, I was trying to control his malicious behavior instead of focusing on my own.
You can’t pressure someone to be better- if anything they’ll just push back. If they’re not ready or even wanting to, they just won’t.

Letting go of how the past went is control. We have the control to do that.
It might not be easy, but we have the ability to choose that.
We have the power to choose how it shows up in our life in the future. Did we learn, build and become? Better?

That’s where I’m adjusting into.
I like control. A lot of us do- is it human nature?

So instead of letting him ‘win’, with bringing me down to an unrecognizable state, I can use my power in decisions to grow beyond. I will always be a used and abused person now. But i don’t have to let that define me. I can say I’ve risen above it!

Now, not all days will be easy. I have to accept that. Goodness knows, I know that. And I have the control to let those days come and go. To not tackle myself to the ground and give up, but instead to nurture and foster, to be gentle and kind not only to the being that I am, but to the being I am becoming.
I have that control.
Some days- sure, I’ll lose it. But the more days that I have a decent grip on this whole thing, the more that proud and strength will help me choose care for myself over self- abandonment.

And that sounds a lot like healthy control.