Tag Archives: person

It’s been a good journal paper. Just write. Drunk or not. It is safe Jenny. I haven’t been a motivating person or challenging like a lot of my past posts told me was good to write. I know it is okay. I’m dejected, I’m raw. I’m just sunken and yet, should my ship keep bobbing? I’m not a woe is me, I can’t be. That doesn’t help. I’m hurt. I’m really hurt and. I’m having a hard time believing that and accepting that and letting that be okay. I dont’ want to feel, any of this. This will be the first time I have felt life kick me in the kneecaps, and disable, dislocate and dislodge my heart veins. Because I can’t breath and my numb legs can’t get me to walk. I can’t feel much these days. I’m not fighting anything or having smiles drain into my left wisdom tooth side doesn’t even make pears taste nice.

Tundra Token

Glimmer or just your imagination- what you want to see. Tension can’t be denied, but it can be questioned. The reasons echo brokenly. And we’re just circulating our own internal space, unwilling? Unsure of how to? Ego? Oh, the damn thing. How often it shows up. Is just involved with so much. What a villain. And to get that under control? Pfft. Yuh kick it to the curbs, it’s gonna find a way to float the current right back to you. And stronger. Aggressive little frip. So we stand strong headed, tamely bold, making no active move but actually indirectly. It’s happening regardless, messages still being deciphered, our feelings dictating what we create. It’s just us. Again. In our own world. Making shif up. Is that fun or just natural? Unable to be helped? That stem of sadness can just unfurl so continuously. Travelling, getting all the stamps in the passport. Steady little things, difficult to shake loose. Gotta do the things we don’t feel like doing to get the result we want . Strip the ego. Let guard? down. Stop being so unable!

Surely Questionable

Toes curled over the rock, on the edge and balance had
ready to push off and grasp for trailing balloon strings
there is no right way to get to the point we’d like, is there
not a way that feels better then another
specially when so much resistance is coating the actions
Numbing out but flares occur
surely
I’m not doing this right, am I.

Weekend Wisps

It’s the first Friday in August.
I joined a sober app.
Some really get the shakes and seem to be way worse off then I am. Everyone’s got their own struggle.
I do feel irritable. And I don’t have a high energy level. However, I do have a positive attitude.
Motivational podcasts feel smooth to the soul and gentle to my heart.
For the first time ever I bought non alcoholic wine. Even though the real stuff is on the shelves RIGHT beside it. Until today, I never have thought about how that could be a problem for some.

I’m by myself on Tuesday at work again. I don’t even have feelings about it yet. The dread hasn’t formed but something tells me, my unconscious mind will devour unhealthy and try and kick me down a few notches. But I’ll focus and do some studying. Last time went pretty good. My boss even said he was impressed.

Hunkered in for the night. Even though it is beautiful outside, it’s beautiful in my being too.

Need To Change

My heart is sore and sad for itself. My mind knows I did this all to me. I dug graves. The selfish can feel empowering, of exhilarating recklessness. Letting myself stand on such a breeding ground of destruction and thrill. It’s potency lingers and the uncomfortability is so familiar, it is why it feels like a way of life. Make it stop.

The Season of Spring

How much heat does warmth contain?
Spilling out from the tips of the grass blades,
reaching for their round mother.
Plump, so high in the sky
she sits
Letting her waves absorb the nature below
fresh spring smells to radiate through bark,
buds and the activation of renewed movement.

It’s Already Happened

If I can change my thoughts,
to choose what I am thinking
seems so far on up the hill.
But what of habit
to pierce my inner cycle
of tormenting self
with all this shame, contempt
and guilt.
In years time
I will only have regret
for regretting now,
the past that is far beyond my reach.