Tag Archives: ex

Rising


The more I use and keep my boundary, the more I see it. The stronger I get. How obvious you are to me now. I feel throw up in my heart sometimes at how insanely clear it is. I am not scared of you or of myself with you. Yet I know how strong the stuff is. The method you use. I know it works. I have been a part of the part where it works.
I am not struggling with being friendly enough to not be rude anymore ( I could care less of being rude to you but for the sake of not digging in to your treat bag, I summon a no go zone ). I used to feel uncomfortable in person when I gave you grey rocks. Now? I don’t even flinch at your stupid grin or exasperation. You’re just a sick person with a sick heart and I will not give in to your incessant persistency. The stuff you don’t get bored of giving because you feed off of when the pressure cracks and makes victims. But I do not continue as victim. All though I will always have to deal with the caliber of your disorder, I am a surviving individual. I cannot control how you will show up, but I can control how I carry myself- and I choose strength, consistency and peace.

Twisted

Spinning wheels
Not much sleep
Where did my appetite go?
Under the bed?

Circles are no longer my favourite shape.
Why can’t I stop being dizzy?

This is robbery
The thief stealing time and my
sanity.

Wake up lady,
wake up.
This has to only be the largest nightmare
of your life.

friday night

There is a type of living that meshes the past and the present and the future all in a few good feels on a friday night. theres things that i can hurt about. and also feel amazed about. there are experiences i am shocked by- i go tto epxerience that? and also, i can’t believe i survived that. I have had a lot of wonderful in my life. I really truly have. I have a family I know a lot of people around me growing up, didn’t have. a lot of people around me did. I had a really cool life. and then it kind of has…plateaued. Until this uproar in my life that well- yeah, its fricckn messy. it exhausts me. it pains me. daily. But this is life. this is part of it. I could let it take over me. Succumb to it. I suppose life is a lot of work. you have to battle on the daily sometimes. just to feel that its worth keeping. which sometimes looks like drowning yourself in past beauitful memories of people and of songs and thats all that it can take to wrap you up in present clothing and to walk – not out on- but in on. the future. Its there , waiting for me. ready to be beautiful me.

Why Would People Go To Religion After Divorce



Grieving can feel easier when you don’t feel alone.
When the future doesn’t feel like it’s something you can handle.
You can’t bear it- the reality, the exposure to a way you never expected your life to go. Hibernating like a bear with God, seems like a capable solution. It can make the most sense at the time, when in other worlds of your mind, it would never cross.

God or a Higher Being, can feel like refuge. Can feel like the only way to get through the intensity of unfamiliar feelings. Having some solace, some direction in the chaos of what in the help just happened can feel like just the right amount of relief.

Some could consider religion in this case, as a natural anti depressant or a coping mechanism. A sought out strength, required to get through one of the toughest times in ones life.
Some could consider this a cop out, a path to make their narrative better. ” I go to church now, so I am enlightened and thus, am the best person I can be and am entitled to my children full time.” Etc.
The courts, the mediation, the people in your life can see through this. It is not the first time that religion has been used in the interest to better a position. So I can not be so ignorant to ignore such paths of humans out there.

In the realm of which I am speaking of, a lot of pain and anguish is involved in these life changing events and not everyone has the means of understanding for them. We can live in the calming sense, that someone beyond even our full understanding, can. And that means, we gravitate, we pull in, we open our heart, we accept- that someone we can choose to have faith in, will be there with us, along the way.







Memories

It’s been years and years but they still flop onto the scene of my mind from time to time.
Could be a song, could be a bug I see crawling on the cement.
They are powerful. It’s not just out of no where.
There is usually a longing and a sadness equipped.

At the time I didn’t realize how impactful it would be
that part of life of being alive.
It’s a cauldron of time that hold a lot of my life.

Memories vivid and gripped.
I’m scared to believe that I’m losing more of them as we go further
but there’s a reassurance when one pops in.

For I know the feeling associated with it all
and that I will not forget.

Circulating

I miss you. I’ve dug deeper about those things and of our times together. Miss can derive from current lacking. I understand this. But I’ve not ever looked in someones’ eyes and saw what I have in yours. I’ve never felt my insides melt into a depth like with you. Almost could be that long lost best friend feeling. We went through so much and I haven’t shaken it loose.

Let’s make More

sometimes I look through the trees at the setting sun and think of the thousands of memories we made together and that since we are supposed to be, why don’t we start making more so that in time I can watch the sun set through the trees with you and we can be happy we made a thousand more memories together plus always one more.

Unravelling Cognition



I’ve thought about you more then I’ve wanted to let on. I guess some part of me feels like the thought of you is an intrusion. Or that I’m guilty of trying to distract myself with elegant memories and pieces of you. Is it strange to think you seem to have made more impact on my life then the one I married? I must dig into this later. I realize such different circumstances are an incredibly large involvement in this idea. I also recognize that loneliness is a part of this too. I am aware of many factors in my thinks, and I am okay with them. There is a core to it all and I feel innately guided.

I Understand Hesitancy

I entered in a draw to win your heart.
I didn’t have to the first two times.

But you’ve dumped all contents out,
called me every week for a year and two; pieces you have selectively or not,
knowingly or not
given to me.

I’ve had it before,
and wrecked it before

and so reluctantly now
you take your time in

giving it back to me.

The End.

Well I’m jumping ahead here about one thousand pages but um. I sorta have to.

 

I didn’t cry.

 

I thought of as many reasons as I could, of how mean you were to me. How I’d never been treated so poorly in any relationship in all my time.
Till the very last drop I let myself believe I deserved it. That because I screwed up, it was okay. I have never been in an emotional abusive relationship. I never even understood them. But now? I have as much experience as a 400 acre hay field has hay.

Even after all my positive explaining. The reality in my soul of how I wanted us to work together and BELIEVED we could and laid out a plan and format we could use. The time it would take . ‘You can’t expect to trust me overnight, and I can’t expect you to. ‘

‘I’m not capable of being with you’, you said, ‘ I just wanted you around so that noone else could have you’.
For six months.

Six months.

 

I still love you. I’m not over any of this. I will profusely be shoving out any thoughts of you, of any of our existence. Until I can do so without sobbing. I still love you.
You don’t deserve me.  And I will say that over and over in my head each day for however long it takes.

I haven’t cried.

I still love you.
I am not weak. I am strong and fighting. Tomorrow I will be out running my legs, crunching my stomach,  pushing pushing pushing.

I will get through this, and so will you best friend, so will you.