I wonder how long I can decide something for myself
before it changes.
Maybe I cannot fail if I accept that parts of the journey
I have control over
and other parts
I do not.
And in that way
ease can feel like second nature
taking on the big
not feeling powerless
but advanced and uncompromised.
If I let myself down a time here
a time there
it will not seem like such a burden to carry
but inevitably
a part of the process.
Deciding again and again
that this is how I’d like to be in this journey
is how I can create it to be.
Maybe this is what feels like the only way I’ll get through it.
But what is through it if there is no end. Only the continual fluctuation of
pitfalls, grasps and a lifetime of regulation and attendance with self?
Life is the journey.
im keen on getting the best outta this
I chose to be here.
Indirectly but directly.
Isn’t that sumpin
It doesn’t surprise me
I know the logistics of why I got to here
i have learnedd aboutbeing here and plenty more
and i know i have much amount to learn about this place im in
as i go forward
im keen on getting the best outta this
or else what was all the pain and suffering fo?
The Grey
Got a bed pillow to put behind me as I stretch out on the whole couch.
These days for me feel like I have one small shoe on and one big one.
Little lopsided but I’m upright.
Soft little delicates
swooning in circles
heavy and push trying to
sometimes feeling
impossible
yet doable. Floating in the middle of an
oreo cookie,
dip in milk and crumbs turn the white
like dalmation
but its not that black and white
is it
friday night
There is a type of living that meshes the past and the present and the future all in a few good feels on a friday night. theres things that i can hurt about. and also feel amazed about. there are experiences i am shocked by- i go tto epxerience that? and also, i can’t believe i survived that. I have had a lot of wonderful in my life. I really truly have. I have a family I know a lot of people around me growing up, didn’t have. a lot of people around me did. I had a really cool life. and then it kind of has…plateaued. Until this uproar in my life that well- yeah, its fricckn messy. it exhausts me. it pains me. daily. But this is life. this is part of it. I could let it take over me. Succumb to it. I suppose life is a lot of work. you have to battle on the daily sometimes. just to feel that its worth keeping. which sometimes looks like drowning yourself in past beauitful memories of people and of songs and thats all that it can take to wrap you up in present clothing and to walk – not out on- but in on. the future. Its there , waiting for me. ready to be beautiful me.
Throw Yux
just wanna knock all your teeth out
your smiling wizard of deceit
yet i maintain my sweet and quiet
And later on i will feel crazy the fact i can do that
when im thinking
that.
I’m getting a niche on you
as all over the place as you are
You can’t decide either
or are in the affects of deciding
how do you go about me?
Realizing you can’t woo me into submission these days
I think you’re just making me stronger
the more i see myself keep my boundaries with you
don’t call me wifey
you sick piece of rust.
Living, We Are
Proud? In some specific ways.
Aligned? No and I know why.
Intentional? Hardly|
Hopeful? With some things I let myself be.
Burdened? Even when I don’t think about it.
Hurt? Terribly
Broken? Maybe always- aren’t we all a little bit?
Scared? I try not to think about it.
Motivated? There’s a deep sense of it, but feeble.
Complacent? Like many of us I presume, indubitably so.
Living? Anyone reading this is.
Living intentionally? I wonder how many people would say, “no not really.”
Why not?
A GoodCall
It was a good call to stop.
the sun nestled in the background
Radiance- like mist, sparkles in the air
An electric kind of calm
Its a powerful nervous
completely at ease
but excitement cracking through the bone lines
dialed in
making the connection
apparent.
Inside Out
Step in.
Your inner being speaks
with strength but quietly.
Inside, under the covers of your skin
you thrive with ideas,
repeated introductions,
integrating in your tangles.
Step out.
Show yourself what the
inside of you looks like.
You’re an artist
wanting to use the canvas of life
to draw that tenacious, compelling soul.
Be that desire you have-
to live inside out.
One
one year of you little one
loving you is intense
i can’t seem to get enough
you are a living experience
i ache to be around you.
happy birthday my P
PreEmptive Mid Life?
Do you ever feel that you’re still chasing this dream of yours- regardless of where you’re at in life?
I’ve been wanting a family for decades and I do have two boys but I live in a small apartment with no husband.
This is what I think mid life crashes can be about. You realize you have ran out of time to have what you’ve desired all your life. And you are to make peace with what you do have and be happy with it and it’s like a shutting door. I do understand painstakingly how I got to here and why. My choices have been unraveled by therapists and it is not confusing to me.
As far along as I am, there is still childlike me, thinking that I do have time to still get my shizz together and get what I want.
It was a sad notion the other day and a real jarring image. When I will no longer be able to have children, I just very well may have a gigantic breakdown.
It will be the final ship. And it scares me so poorly.
That golden idea I’ve had in my head since I was 16.
Smashed.
And I’ll have to go through all those questions and discernments for myself. Of finding purpose with where I’m at, understanding at an integral level that this was supposed to happen and Gods plan and look- I can be even happier and work and fulfilled in a new way and holy hepps it seems draining just thinking about it this way. I understand it’s really not that helpful thinking like this.
But it was a thought that crunched into my noggin that disgruntled me up real nice that I felt like writing out.
The days are ticking and I am where I was 6 years ago- except with a baby.
Life Particles 