Plumplucker is the archive of my plums. I’ve been sending them to subscribers via email for the past 10 years. If you are interested in joining in please sign up. It’s totally free to do so and I won’t try to sell you anything. / Greg FitzPatrick
March 2024
They knew that a handsome, athletically endowed man, a college professor who can speak five languages and play classical piano at a semi-professional level, a sought-after guest at celebrity events — they knew that kind of man was beyond their reach. Out of their league.
February 2024
Hey man, you’ve got to lay off that AI shit for a while
You’ve got to diversify. There’s so much AI and GPT-this and that going on all over the place. People are getting really bored with it. Give it a rest. Think different. Think up something amusing and crazy to write about like you used to.
January 2024
It’s like you’re turning your back on all of us. You’re turning your back on humanity.
December 2023
So why on earth do you think I would want to kill you?
Suppose by some quirk of fate humans were brought up to be aligned with the values of penguins. And as a child you felt penguin alignment was just fine, or you never reflected on it because you were too busy playing penguin-aligned video games.
October 2023
If you could be any one in the world, you know, if you could be Greta Thunberg, Elon Musk, the Sultan of Oman, maybe some hugely successful science or sports star. Pick anyone you want, be they rich, powerful, beautiful, famous. Who would you choose?
September 2023
Sortition, Dark Triad, What the . . .?
And by the way Hitler, Mussolini and even Vladimir Putin all came to power through democratic elections.
August 2023
The Three Pillars of Human Civilization
The great achievement of Communism was to get the less successfully greedy to rise up against the more successfully greedy, put them out of action, and take over all their shit!
July 2023
Sorry, Dave. I’m afraid we can’t do that
You know what? Maybe it’s time to rethink this whole thing? What about a pause? What about a reset? A cessation of hostilities?
June 2023
Yeah. And furthermore, the Danes have studies which prove that a sperm’s DNA is affected by the mental state of an ejaculating male. Top notch sperm and top notch babies come from dudes who are thinking good, clean, wholesome thoughts
May 2023
The Last Two People in the World
We need to copulate!
April 2023
The Declaration doesn’t say anything about shitty jobs and unemployment, or homeless fentanyl addicts. It just says we should be treated equally and have the right to pursue happiness.
March 2023
“Really fast!”
February 2023
“You just ruined one of my fondest memories of Paris.”
January 2023
“If anything’s free on the Internet, it’s because they’re either trying to sell you something or they want to put bad ideas in your head. They want to brainwash you and take away your freedom to think.”
November 2022
Jesus! Can you imagine investing your life’s savings with a guy who holds up HONK PLEASE! signs on the freeway?
October 2022
On Doolop, the only inhabited planet in the Portanelle Corbières galaxy, the average lifespan of both men and women is 79. This average is easily calculated since all Doolopians are ‘shown the door’ upon reaching that age. ‘Shown the door’ is the Doolopian euphemism for what we on earth would probably call ‘getting executed’.
September 2022
But It’s Us They’re Protesting Against, Darling
We’re destroying the climate. We’re about to fly 3000 miles to sit under a palm tree and sip artificially flavored and colored alcoholic beverages containing genetically modified pineapples.
August 2022
Don’t Worry. It’s Going To Be a Great Vacation
Last year’s cute cows got slaughtered. Somebody ate them at McDonald’s. And calling cows cute sounds kinda weird coming from an animal murderer. You say cute when you should be saying ‘yummy’.
July 2022
So, you actually sit and talk with Adolf Hitler
Nobody asked Hitler to sing anything. The exhibition guides had warned us that inappropriate questions were verboten, and that violators, as well as hecklers, would be removed from the room. They had installed a glass shield in front of him because apparently people had been throwing stuff.
June 2022
I Wonder How Many Men Are Actually Doing Penis Enhancement
We all want to look good. But for men that just means give up shaving and wear the same jeans for a month. For a woman it entails spending hours in front of a mirror trying to figure out what’s wrong.
May 2022
And we somehow Of course. But when we build our vanguard we are going to need some sort of criteria. We need to start out with one hundred percent honest, upright utopian revolutionaries. After we get the ball rolling we can be more inclusive.
April 2022
Not Really About Will Smith and Chris Rock
And we somehow hoped humanity would be the first species on earth to resolve differences without resorting to mortal combat.
March 2022
You don’t think we can fix poverty, cure diseases, solve the climate thing and still let the one percent enjoy their extravagances? Would the world really be better off without the palaces and chateaux of Europe? The Taj Mahal? The pyramids?
February 2022
No, seriously. If you denied someone access to their place of work because of their odor . . . well, that’s a lawsuit in the making. You can’t just treat people like lepers because they seem past their prime age-wise, or they’re perhaps more than a tad anarthrous. You can’t fire someone for having hyperhidrosis.
January 2022
Antdom is resilient. Antdom is adaptable. So collectively, ants don’t give a shit about climate change.
December 2021
Look at all those Nobel Prize winners – they’re all older than the redwoods, and yet they’re still cooking up their shit, solving problems, dreaming up theories from their wheelchairs.
November 2021
In San Francisco they run something called the Dreamkeeper Initiative. You can earn up to 500 a month if you promise not to shoot people.
October 2021
Jenifer doesn’t give up. It was the corruption that got her. Seeing aid money siphoned off by crooked politicians and greedy landowners. It sickened her. And, as you must know, her favorite and most promising student tried to rape her.
September 2021
My favorite pool activity was peeing. I so much enjoyed the sensation of relieving myself in the water. Perhaps something to do with gravity, I don’t know. I loved that yummy blanket of warmth encircling my thighs. I knew the other kids would go off to one side to pee, but I never bothered. We could be in a huddle doing splash wars or Blindman’s Bluff and I would just let go.
August 2021
It was all very confounding for me how his voice streaming out into the world from those phones could generate our wealth – bringing home money to buy Mom’s expensive clothes, pay for our live-in maid, the exotic sports cars that he seldom drove.
July 2021
So just because we so unfortunately happen to be seated next to each other you assumed it was your duty to wake me up? Do you think it was by choice that I ended up here in economy? Do you realize how totally uncomfortable this is for me?
June 2021
You know what really pisses me off?
Well, on principle I would thoroughly enjoy seeing some dickhead get hauled away in handcuffs after throwing his disgusting wad of chewing tobacco into a urinal. I would like to see the look on his face when the judge sends him away for three months’ hard labor.
May 2021
Sure. Let’s start at the beginning. As you know I’ve been very fortunate in life. I was one of the very first investors in blockchain fintech. I’m rich — a billionaire many times over— but I’m also a humanist who wants to make this world a better place and I can afford to do so.
April 2021
I did a clinical trial last summer. For one week I drank only red wine. I drank exactly one 3-liter box a day spaced out from noon to midnight in 18-centiliter doses, (didn’t want to become inebriated). I carried out this strict regime from Monday to Saturday. I drank nothing on Sunday. Sunday was for cleansing my system, flushing out my tubes for the next week’s experiment with white.
March 2021
A Poorly Articulated Argument for Nasty Obituaries
Nasty, selfish people. And then you die and they’ll sing your praise standing over your coffin. And they’ll write flattering, pussified obituaries about you. A lot of good that will do you. Hypocrites. The haters will willfully grant you sainthood once you’re gone.
February 2021
We wormed our way through the crowd up to the Rotunda, a mighty impressive structure I must We wormed our way through the crowd up to the Rotunda, a mighty impressive structure I must admit, but hard to appreciate when a whole bunch of tourists are jumping around like catfish in a corn mash barrel, many of them dressed as if they was attending a Halloween party. Definitely not on their best behavior, these people. Nancy-Lou was trying to read about the frescos on the ceiling painted by a guy named Constantino Bromide, when some hick bumps into her, knocking her phone out of her hand, and doesn’t bother to say he’s sorry. Instead he asks Nancy-Lou if she knows where Mike Pence’s office is, like we worked here or something.
January 2021
A Coincidence It’s Not, Toadbrain
Something is going on. Something transcendental and miraculous. Something scientists can never explain away, no matter how hard they try.
.
The Gotland Sagas
Summer Funeral Chapter 1
“We hardly could have planned that Ellert was gonna die. Eighty-one isn’t old these days.“
Summer Funeral Chapter 4
“We hardly could have planned that Ellert was gonna — A few years ago a guy called us and asked if she would like to come to Stockholm. They wanted her to dress up in traditional garb and perform milking cows for spectators at their outdoor museum.die. Eighty-one isn’t old these days.“
Summer Funeral Chapter 2
“You just can’t invite people to somebody’s [bleep]ing funeral, Stella.“
Summer Funeral Chapter 5
— Every cloud has a silver lining, Anna. I met this kinda interesting guy at an ‘Equality of Outcome’ seminar. And he has a house in Vamlingbo. And he’s single. And . . . I think I kinda invited him to your crayfish party, which I hope is okay. I did tell him it was a potlucky thing.
Summer Funeral Chapter 3
Kubb originated on Gotland, or, at least, that is what the islands’ tourist board would like us to believe.
Summer Funeral Chapter 6
It’s time to make yourself inconspicuous. There is a stonewall running parallel to the shoreline – a convenient place for you to take a seat and watch. You don’t want to get involved in what’s going on here.
Super Short
Safe in the Air
When it comes to flying in airplanes your safety just might depend on who else is on the plane.
Sam Harris
“Personally I am more of a Jordan Peterson guy“
Bobby-Bill’s Vacation
“Big God is wearing Bobby/Bill. I’m sure of it.“
2020 Shorts
The Multi-Ethnic Judge
“It just so happens I check all the boxes, darlin'”
They Shoot Puffins, Don’t They?
“Well I heard a professor guy on Rogan say that any work that can be done remotely, you know, with a computer or Zoom? Well, that is basically the definition of work that can be done better by AI.“
Yes, You Too Can Be An Influencer
“Nothing’s going to drop if you just lie around waiting for it to happen.guy“
The Birthday Party
“My aunt’s been trying to get me on Facebook, but, you know, things come up and I just haven’t got ’round to it and actually I’m not quite sure I really understand what it’s good for.“
Bud Light and a Corona, Please
“Hey, I thought we agreed not to mention that word. “
Short-Short
A Gift From God
Keeping Order in the Universe ain’t as easy as you might think.
Pung-Pelle and the Mysterious Trunk
There is no shortage of humor on the island of Gotland
It’s a Jewish Conspiracy
I knew there was something fishy going on
Short
To the Rushing Waters Say: I Am
Ever been to Bali?
The Steak We’re Eating Now
Philosophy on Death Row
Sanitized for Your Protection
Ever been to Panama City Beach?
Novellas
A Modern Assumption
There was something irresistibly fascinating about that delusional woman
Evert Taube’s funeral
The story of a Swedish tourist guide in Spain set in the sixties.
Royalty
Have you ever heard of Dorothy Dandridge?
Short Films and Animations
Some of my more experimental films and animations can be found here
Until Death Do Us Part
The Dead and the Ugly
The most famous short story in the English language and its epigone
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