I Get So Emotional Baby....

What do you get when you take a woman's reproductive organs out?

A crying, antsy, moody, unstable Amy.

I think I have my period....I mean I think my body thinks I have my period. Stupid shit has made me cry all day today. I have been moody and craving the things that I normally crave around my time of the month....and I can't stop crying.

Tomorrow is my first follow up appointment and you know I will be blogging about it. Hopefully we can chat about some hormone therapy to wean me down to menopause.

Till then I must avoid baby pictures, animal pictures, and anything that is remotely happy (like a friend blogging about dancing at her cousin's wedding - yes you know who you are; or another friend blogging about meeting said other friend - again yeah you know who).

Absence

Sorry for the lack of posting lately.  My heart has not been in it and I have nothing much to write about.  I am not sure when I will pull from this funk but you will know with a fabulous post :)

Rough as the stormy seas

I had a very rough day today.  Not CF at all, thankfully, but emotionally hard nonetheless.  I have so much I want to write down but I don't know where to start nor how much I want to tell.  I am sure in due time it will all come out.  But until then I am keeping it clamped up inside, where it normally lies.  One good thing coming from all the turmoil in my wee little head, is I am searching furtively for a new psychologist to see.  So despite the bad, good will come.

It's raining outside and in my head

Another day another blog.  And still feeling lost and blah.

I want to shake this feeling and I am starting to think it won't happen anytime soon.  I was like this yesterday and even shed a few tears.  That is rare for me.  I was hoping to wake up in a better mood today, but I sept until almost noon (with an hour earlier to read a few chapters of my book) and still felt moody.  No desire to exercise, no desire to leave the house, no desire to eat.  I didn't eat dinner last night, which my boyfriend commented on.  I ate dinner tonight but it was my only meal today.  I hate feeling like this.  I will be sure to mention it at clinic and hopefully get something to add to my anti-depressant.  While I am sure I will overcome this in a few days, I don't like not wanting to smile, or eat or exercise.  Hell I didn't even do my night time treatments last night because I didn't feel like it.  We all know that is not good in <40% FEV1 land.

I know right now is the in-between period for me.  I have to wait until April 1st to switch my residency, apply for SSDI, etc.  So until then I feel like an outsider.  Like I am just here and not here.  I can't drop my long term disability insurance until SSDI kicks in, which means I can't get a small part time job or go back to school until that happens.  I can't re-decorate Peter's entire house because that takes money and I am running on a tight budget and so is he.  There are only so many tv shows, and so many books you can read.  I have almost completed an entire baby blanket in about 10 days (will be done Friday for sure).   What else can I do?

I just hate feeling like I have no purpose.  Hell I can't even volunteer on LTD because it is like work.  I don't know how people do this for long periods of time.  I'm going insane and it's only been 2 months.  Sad as it is going into the hospital wouldn't be so bad right now because then at least it would be a change of pace for me.  How sad is that?

Guess I better be careful what I wish for or I might just end up inpatient at clinic next month.

Stupid fricking depression

Ugh I am so freaking depressed today and I have no idea why. I was a bummed mess yesterday too but I chalked it up to not enough sleep Saturday night. That and the single ladies did not get hit on AT ALL at the bar Saturday night. That in itself is depressing. Though all the guys were like 25 and younger, it still doesn’t help the ego. Especially when you deck yourself all out for ladies night and think you look fantastic. Oh well. Boys are stupid anyway!

Of course yesterday I was also nauseous to the point where I was gagging. I think it was lack of sleep too. After I napped for over an hour I felt a little better in the tummy. I was super excited I went to bed at 9pm, only to be awoken at 12:15 by P. haha. It’s all good. I went back to sleep around 2am so of course today I am all tired again. And I have the Phillies game tomorrow night so I know sleep will be lacking again tomorrow night. And to top it off I woke up 45 minutes late this morning! That meant in order to get to work on time I had to skimp on my treatments which meant no Vest, Pulmozyme or Tobi. I’m just in one of those moods where I want to cry and be left alone. Perhaps I will sleep well and not be so miserable tomorrow…fingers crossed because I don’t want to be a grump for the game!

Oh so to the funny part of the evening last night. As P. and I were sitting on my sofa, my phone rings. Guess who? B. (THE ex), from Vegas. It’s freaking 1am by this point and of course I didn’t answer! I was like you have got to be kidding me?! P. asked if it was a booty call to which I replied no he is just a friend, calling drunk from Vegas. Turns out B. accidently hit the call button on his phone. Figures right?! So now P. probably thinks I am seeing someone else too, which could be good or bad.

Its days like yesterday and today that I long for a man to curl up with. Someone to hold me, and just let me be grumpy and cry on his shoulder. I know someday I will get that, but right now I guess I just have to settle for crying to my dog.

I had myself a nice little cry on the way home from work. People on the turnpike must think I am crazy sobbing my eyes out as I maneuver lanes. I began to think of things that would make me feel better, which in turn led to me thinking about those things which I miss. Yes I miss plenty, but to narrow it down to the things that I miss by being single. It’s like pouring salt into an open wound but hell I need to let it all out!

What I miss by being single:
- No one to share my day with
- No one to come home to
- No one to wrap my arms around and never let go
- No one to hold me and just let me cry and not have to say a word because sometimes all we need is to just be held
- No one that cares how my day was and asks me about it
- No one that loves me
- No one to kiss me on the forehead and say “baby I love you”

I know there are more things but these are the only emotional ones I can fathom right now. My heart is hurting and so is my head. There is no rhyme or reason for it yet again. Alas it is just my depressed self.