roots

This has been a very trying time for me. So…so much has been happening, every one of them equally stressful and needing my mental and emotional attention, and I am tired. Eventually things will calm down. But I’m reminded of the verse Romans 5:3-5…

“More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”

During all these trials, I’ve been experiencing some heady character building. It’s nowhere near over, but I’ve been developing a lot in the past few months. Here are five of those things:

Building my assertiveness. I’ve come to discover that it is my nature to be passive and avoid confronting wrongful behavior that genuinely hurts me. Each time the moment is right, I always think, “Nah, I’m just being sensitive. I’m at fault for letting it bother me.” Though that is often a good way to go, it’s not always the right way. I did it so much that it turned me a little bitter, and now God is helping me build the courage to confront and the wisdom to know when it is right to confront.
Learning to say no. My family is a yes family. It’s a family trait to say yes to every favor asked of us. Therefore each and every one of us has had to struggle with the burn out that it causes. Right now I have to consciously say no, because saying yes is still so habitual to me. I’ve learned that at some point I have to put my own interests into thought.
Letting go of a label. I am naturally a sensitive person, and there’s something I’ve had to come to terms with: Being a sensitive person is not a bad thing! That’s been difficult, because whenever I was called sensitive it had a negative connotation to it. Most of the people around me don’t really view sensitivity in a good light, but that doesn’t have to define me. That plays in with my passive nature. Whenever I had a problem with something someone did, I always put the blame on myself and claimed I was just being sensitive. I’ve been learning that, first of all, it’s not a bad thing, and second of all, I have a right to stick up for myself when I am hurt.
Believing that no job is too small. Because of certain not-so-good seeds planted in me, I’ve struggled with believing that I ever did enough, no matter where I was. That has caused me to take on more than I should and devalue myself because I never felt like I was doing enough, or at least doing an adequate job. That is a deep-seated falsehood that God has really been working on uprooting inside me.
Believing I am worth it. Recently, in a deep conversation with a pastor, when they said something along the lines of “you’re worth it,” I burst into tears. I couldn’t seem to believe it. I realized that I never saw myself as worth “it,” whatever it was. God has been working on getting me to see that I am worth it, worth anything, worth most of all his unwavering love.