write it down

Im second guessing every word that ive said in the past 7 days seriously. In a way that clearly so clearly feels unreasonable?? Inaccurate?? Simply not based in the reality of realities that we share? I feel like every word i have said recently is hanging in the air and that none of it is landing?? I feel like theres so much more that i want to say and it doesnt feel like the righ time for any of it??
As i said this out loud on this paper i literally envisioned myself stuffing bread and butter into my face. What the fuck
This stuff goes so deep my god damn digestive system is the one who ultimately has to feel the brunt of my process. It doesnt feel right to put it into words but i also dont want to fucking think about stuff like this any more than ive already given space to it in my head.
I feel like ive been waiting for the things to end! Il start something and clearly visualize the end– the culmination of the thing in my mind, and the whole process of the becoming of this action is pre released into the visualization of the carrot of the end. BUT THERES SOMEHOW NO CARROT??? And even if there was i feel like im in the place of denying and saying oh no no not me im not hungry does anyone else want the carrot???
And this is it.
This is the crux of it
This is when the space between my skin and my heart becomes uncomfortable:
When the fruit that i had visualized has arrived – and when the action that i have labored over is distracted entirely by the projection of its end – that i am estranged from the fruit as well as estranged from the action.
Its the whole the destination is in the journey thing– except there is no fucking destination at all.
The materializations of the product of the actions that i take somehow feel acutely not mine. Yes i sent you the money – yes i started the spring cleaning – yes i threw the plant over the balcony and it exploded like a powder puff on the asphalt sidewalk. But the sense of finishing and completion is consistently mentally aborted eVEN IN THE PRESENCE OF THE PRODUCT IT HAS PRODUCED.
I still have to make more money so later i can send you more money – i still have to finish the spring cleaning, and i have to delegate the tasks which are too much for me to do myself, and i have to let everyone know what everyone will be doing, and go to the trash bins, and buy a swiffer and and and and and infinitum- the plant throwing was really satisfying and it really needed to be off of the 4th floor balcony, now i have to go clean it up in the cover of night so nobody associates me with this mess. In doing so i am alienated from the mess!! I am hiding myself in hiding the mess!!

UGUGHGHUHGGUHGHUGHOKAUDHAGU,H

I feel weird. This morning i felt angry. Now i have to go ask my coworker to explain something either today or tomorrow with how to do a complex task that is already something i should have a command of doing but that i dont. I dont. And truthfully right now in this moment i dont WANT TO. I DONT WANT TO KNOW. I DONT WANT TO LEARN. I dont want to configure the data migration and the flow and the assignments and the subtypes i dont want to!!! But mostly i just dont want to talk.
I dont want to ask and i dont want to be heard and i dont want answers.
I feel like every compliment someone gives me about how its good that i asked or i really actually know well how to do this or i have helped them or i am beautiful or whatever is a nicety that i would much rather be spared!!!!@

I dont remember feeling this level of self doubt, anxiety and inferiority in quite some time.

Crazy beans dude.

Well thats how it goes i think. And its cool. Im not going to finish this journal with a why this fits into gods plan or the universal will or why im stronger now than i was before because i dont even want placations from my own damn self. xoxoxoxo

An issue arises in the world when humans do not feel like their life, actions, creations are an extension of themselves. It has been called estrangement, isolation or in the case of marx: alienation. Marx– approaching the phenomena from a class and economic dialectic is foundational in many ways– but looking into the essential aspects of human inertia and natural propulsion to create from a metaphysical perspective is also relevant. The idea of humanism and philosophy thusly is not considered a directly “metaphysical” realm of thought– but one of humanity's most innate (and alienated) elements of being is this sixth sense in relation to the energetic and subtle worlds. So the estrangement we feel from ourselves and our universe in regards to creating or expressing is not only a matter of repression and diversion from “productivity” of labor or material- but a separation between man's sense of autonomy, faith, and hope (concepts which, while existing in the physical realm are largely metaphysical principles). I In turn, humankind has created modern day relationships with religion and institutionalized them so that they may have a recognizable, justifiable presence in the material world and society we share. We have taken Jesus out of our spirits and placed him again on the cross. Begging the truism; they know not what they do. (insert narrative on education from previous chapters, the fallen, institutionalization and operation within the system of oppression as a form of pre-modern rebellion and revolution, maaaaaybe expound on institutionalization of religion from protestantism to catholicism– slave coopting of christianity and reclamation)
And this may be true in some cases– but largely this call to full realization of human potential, a metaphysical awakening spreading at the community level of the world is calling, aching to be KNOWN. Which means that we are having, to return to the marxist foundation in a new light, generations of people who do not dream of labor in any capacity of the structures who currently organize and institutionalize modern labor. These people are not lazy or tepid or uncommitted to the human cause– and many are not nihilists. The removal of labor from the dream of our shared humanity is due to the estrangement from self and subsequent suffering that is being produced on massive scales from the foundational enmeshment of labor to social workings.
The expansion of “the gig economy” – “side hustles” – resurgence of “small- businesses”, “black-owned, women-owned, palestinian-owned businesses” – “permaculture-homesteading” – “van-life” – “nomadism” that has been introduced to individuals in modern society on the level of the sharing of ideas has been also immense. These innovations and new ideas as well as revisiting previously important values have become put into ACTUAL PRACTICE in recent years- definitely the past decade (circ. 2015). IE. You buy your produce locally, your meat from your neighbor's animal, your water from the stream, your friend who is a fantastic cook takes care to cater your wedding. These trends and ideas and values have not been acted on or reincorporated into life because the modern system of labor or social safety has opened up and given us more freedoms– quite the opposite. But because, “here's a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart that you can't take part! You can't even passively take part! And you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus -- and you've got to make it stop! And you've got to indicate to the people who run it, to the people who own it -- that unless you're free the machine will be prevented from working at all!!.”- Marco Savio (of the Free Speech Movement and Berkley Riots). (expand on popularization of alternatives from a cultural level, estrangement from connection to expression (sound ie, public silence, stifling, social isolation from a vocal standpoint,, the arts and arts funding), connection to the natural world (air quality, grass, greenspaces)

I do not mean to suggest that “van life” or “side hustles” will stop the apparatus. I do not mean to imply that all people on earth in its current configuration have the ability to stop working entirely or stop engaging with the systems of oppression that have inserted themselves so critically into human survival that one with children can forego interacting with state benefits for WIC, or can forego asking their employer for a salary advance or can never endorse corporate businesses again (Walmart, H&M, Sysco, Exxon). I mean to say that the seizing BACK of the means of PRODUCTION is NOT exclusively in regards to the material production under institutions of labor. Creating space in the human psyche to daydream– to take five minutes of silent repetitions of self worth in the car on the way to pick up a prescription – to use the instrument in the house collecting dust – to write one haiku every day – to hold the hand of your dying father by his bedside for as many hours as it takes for him to pass – THIS is the reclamation of ourselves which has been estranged. Because the cultivation of relationships, creation and rituals are elements of our humanity which we must reunite with ourselves if we are to live. These acts are metaphysical; they stretch us to the atmospheres of our own psyches, they introduce us to ourselves.
And subsequently when we make space for this essence in our lived experience, it EXPANDS. And pushes away the toxicity of the systems which energetically drain us from something so innate. The more we value our individual and collective remembering, unifying and creating, the more the oppression is phased out. Not just of our mentality in the sense that “Oh now i can fulfill my wage slavery happily because i have god.” or “this is divine retribution, my cross to bear.” – but because the structures of entrapment fundamentally fall away when the human realizes their ultimate freedom. (expand on concept of field of focus, perspective, psychology of resilience and artistic expression, studies of ageing and companionship data, community building from a mutual aid perspective)
This “ultimate freedom” is the freedom to dream, to create, to cheat the system and escape with the house cash of our domestic abusers, to take the kids and go live with grandma– to plant a seed. And these seeds will grow. Grow into ancient trees who will see us through the rest of our free lives. Do you know how disruptive are the roots of a strong old tree? A parking lot will never stand a chance– as long as the trees also stand.

death coming forward and stepping back
rocking into the forum and tallying the votes
on a horse- rocking

smother me in the way that i like
where i can breathe with drama
and dive back to your black hands.

its nice to feel a cool touch
and an embrace so deep it must be the end.

and because it is the end that we share,
in knowledge and sorrow aware,
that we share it together-
we have opened up our moaning and our wailing.
the walls keep them, as walls do.
thick and cold they smother too.
I breathe seven feet under in an upside down canoe.
I could float through the dirt if i wanted to.

but for a moment i look up
and love my burial.
a retreat into the solemn familiar
i breathe alone
until we breathe together.
the urgency has left to make our breathing mean anything.
we see that most of the time
a breath in is an involuntary response-
a vaccum animate.
that almost all of the time follows
a breath out-
a void pending animation.

now our atmospheres have different contents.
o2— c02— N
it is not that i cannot breathe on your planet-
its just that i must dig a terrarium of myself and my canoe
into your earth.
death helped me dig this.
and for you on my planet-
its not that you can not breathe its that you must ascend
percariously high-
where my atmosphere thins-
in order to catch a glimpse.
and death has given you a terrible fear of heights.

deaths solutions, his helps
are not tools, they are sentences.
he sentenced me to
“The Suffocation of Underneath”
and you to
“The Axphyxiation of On Top”
We were thankful just to be on the same planet- for the most part
to be touching- for the most part.

To fight the sentence of death- that we could not accept,
Is to fight eachother- until theres nothing left.
And when frigidity took
and our love shook
We took solace in the final rest.

— I want to dig a hole to another universe! Clean through!
— And i want to float far enough away, where there is no memory of you!

We have it now
the same thing our own.
My how you've grown.
Come so many worlds
Since you left home.

In the dark quiet where everything has a hue of blue cold and like veins shrinking away from the deeper body and revealing themselves under a thin skin
The opposite of an olive tone- no gold rosey radiance
Vision blurred and swells in lines- which usually blur and swell in waves concentric spherical
It is not sharp but alone
Heavy- a wet stone i rest in the downy riverbed
It is everything I thought it would be
But i am uncomfortable as only me
The intensity of red light has long left my field of vision
The recognized colors are only a memory
A felt sense
A clip from a faraway lifetime of ours
It was cold there too, and heavy
Even heavier maybe than now
And the recollection is my lullaby
I sing of my tears as they fill the bed and the river too
And rest now in gratitude that my tears have gone dry

People are defined by actions not by thoughts, wishes, prayers or intentions. I live because I grew back. I am here roots deep because of my flexibility to weather the storms. These are actions. In human terms our volition to act is a demonstration, an extension of our inner worlds. This is a human process: I think (or feel) > i desire > [I THINK AGAIN] > i act > i experience the consequences of my actions. There are a couple of scenarios where this process gets contorted, blocked or otherwise interrupted which lead to some of the issues we face now in society. I.e. with a docile herd populace- resentful or not- unable to take action to defend-grow-or build for themselves. The idea exemplified in the flow naturally hinges on the critical third phase: “I THINK AGAIN”. Almost all first thoughts of human beings come up as a programmed derivative, compulsion, or survival rhetoric. The air to these thoughts and the felt sense usually imposes some sense of urgency on the subject, and/or some sense of inflated future pleasure of satisfaction. Ie. (Feeling) Hungry > (Deseire) Bacon Cheeseburger > (Action) Go to restaurant, eat burger > (Consequence) Satiety (Short Term) Health implications (Long Term). The issue with the scenario isn't necessarily the bacon burger (though arguments could be made against the meat consumption from many angles)- the issue is the lack of 1) Awareness 2) Critical reasoning 3) Multidirection of the thought. Adding or becoming aware of the thought, its possible origins biologically (Im on my period- of course im craving red meat, i need a hit of mineral rich food right now), psychologically (im seeking comfort and grounding because i am high stress/high energy and really just want to come down and be soothed), or socially (im at a barbeque with family and uncle danny is grilling up the bacon burgers, ill ask my dad if he wants one and we can eat together)- this line of what we will call “Awareness” is hugely valuable and important part of the “evolved” human architecture.
Our earlier ancestors worked with a much simpler directional thinking loop than what we have the privilege of today. However in modern capitalist society when the human has become not only the number one commodity but also the prime consumer- there are powers that be who wish to reduce the collective power of reason and critical thinking.
AND LARGELY THEY HAVE SUCCEEDED BECAUSE THEY HAVE UNDERMINED OUR CONFIDENCE IN HUMAN CONNECTION, SHARING AND TRUST.
(i will return to this point shortly)
After awareness comes critical reasoning- which could also be referred to as “Forethought”. All animals or most have the capacity for forethought so long as they have memory. It is the consideration of the consequences of one's desires or actions. This split second of consideration can lead to assuredness in one's decisions or redirection of desires and ultimately outcomes. Take for example the social scenario above- i am aware that i want a burger and i am at a barbeque with dad. However last time I got a burger that uncle danny made, it was too big and rich- so i couldnt finish it. I dont want to waste food so I decided to have potato salad instead. This all sounds very basic- and if you, reader, are like “Yes obviously, this is how thoughts work in my head, you don't have to tell me how thinking works.”, then rest assured that you are using parts of your brain that some have not yet discovered. And it is basic! But even for folks with developed critical thinking skills- there is the further phenomenon of: Making an informed decision to pursue or act however being blocked-impotent-paralyzed to bring that thought to action.
There are many MANY books written on the modern developments of trauma science that elucidate the blocking and paralyzing effect trauma has on the nervous, brain and biological systems. However here I will focus on the social anthropologic side of things. There is a specific blockage that occurs in people when they desire an action, a change, and are seemingly incapable to bring that to fruition because ultimately of FEAR of others opinion of them, or the response of power structures to their actions. This fear manifests itself socially and consciously as 1) Self Doubt 2) Lack of Confidence, or could be radicalized into forming 3) Antisocial Proclivities. It is important to say that I am not using the traditional historical context of hysteria diagnosis or formative antisocial pathology assessment when I use this verbiage. I mean in the most social sense of the innate potential social connection abilities and needs of the human being are snuffed or dysfunctional. Not from a moral stance but from a collective humanist one this is an issue because people who lack confidence in themselves have been instilled within them fear by someone in their lives who used that power over them (be it a mother, teacher, bully or the state itself- police, social services, policy). Disempowering people is the greatest tool of political violence that happens so quietly and systematically that so often it goes unnoticed and becomes integrated or normalized.
We- in community of other humans on this earth however know that the pain of feeling without agency, without decision making ability, without a voice or ENSLAVED- and the subsequent nihilism or hatred or antisocial ideologies that are borne of this is IN ITSELF THE ESSENCE OF DEHUMANIZATION USED TO TEAR US FROM EACHOTHER. If you take people disempowered to the degree where they no longer sing, or make music or drum together; and you reintroduce to this group some others who still feel the joy of singing with their brothers and sisters, siblings and family, then they will teach eachother and RESTORE EACHOTHERS HUMANITY.
This tactic or strategy has also for years been used by anarchists and underground movements alike; subversion–infection–contagion. Insofar as the seeds of freedom and human connection, restoration to agency is spread- and its roots nurtured by the loving hands of folks who have regained their personal agency and confidence again- this united humanity is possible. No matter what the state may tell us. What some well meaning but equally disenfranchised loved ones may tell us– this is possible, not because we are all redeemable good or any moral stance– but because there will always be at least one person left who can hold another into growing into themselves.
To summarize; we do not make decisions in isolation– our thought and train of thought is TAUGHT. Some were taught how to think by those who have vested interest in ensuring that they do not think for themselves. This must be unlearned. It will only be unlearned through the lovingly planted seeds of freedom and autonomy that are planted by others who have too reclaimed the growth of their own minds.
I was told when i was a child that i asked too may questions- then one day when i was nearly grown- a crone bent to me and told me her wisdom:
“If someone tells you to stop questioning them– it is because they are afraid of themselves that they do not have the answers. The trick is; that all the questions in the world have answers– you just must know where to look.”- Victoria Martinez
And this place to look is into my own eyes in the mirror, it is into the flowing river, it is into the shoulder of my brother as I weep– and there I have found the answers.