TRUE INTIMACY: When Love Hands You a Mirror (Not Just Butterflies)

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As I journey through life, wearing the curious badge of being “wise beyond my years” (yes, the kind who sips tea like it holds answers but still gets caught off guard by their own clumsiness). I’ve come to realise something essential about intimacy;

It’s not about how close you can get to another person.
It’s about how close you’re willing to get to yourself.

-MOTH-

Because really, if I can’t even hold space for my own emotions, how will I be able to hold someone else’s? Trying to build intimacy without self-awareness is like trying to fly a plane with a potato for a co-pilot.
Good luck with that. So here’s to self-reflection. Because knowing yourself is the real VIP pass to connecting with others. Let’s be honest: If you can’t figure out your own mess, how can you help someone else clean up theirs?

I used to think intimacy is something shared. A togetherness thing. And while that is partly true, the deeper truth is this: Intimacy begins within. It’s the space where you meet yourself with honesty and then allow someone else to witness that meeting. Getting close to someone else will always demand that you get close to yourself, too. That’s the true nature of intimacy. When love enters, it doesn’t just bring butterflies. It brings a mirror and weuh! This mirror reflects your delight, your fears, your dreams, your unresolved grief…
It’s wild how love excavates everything alive within you. The tender. The terrifying. The true.

Here’s the craziest bit : when our hearts open to another, they also open to ourselves.
That openness is beautiful, but it’s also raw and pretty scary at times. Real love doesn’t skip your hidden corners. It brings them into the light. Not to shame you, but to heal you. And that is why many of us run from true intimacy. Not because we don’t love but because deep intimacy demands a level of honesty that is uncomfortable. It means facing the parts of yourself you’ve numbed, hidden, denied or misnamed. I’ve had moments when I thought I was loving someone only to realize I was using that love to avoid loving myself. In trying so hard to hold on to that ‘someone’, I was quietly letting go of pieces of me. And this is where the real shift happens. True intimacy doesn’t just connect people. It heals them. It wants the whole of you. Not just the curated version. Not just the poetic parts or the parts that know how to say all the right things. It calls in the messy. The wounded. The forgotten. The becoming. And when met with care and presence, intimacy becomes a shared space of unravelling and rebuilding. It gives both souls room to breathe, evolve, and exist fully, together and apart. Real intimacy is not just a sweet reach for another. It is a powerful reach inward.
A moment when, in trying to love someone else, you end up discovering yourself.

If you’ve ever felt like love exposed more of you than you were ready for, you’re not alone. That’s not failure.
“That’s the work. That’s the way…”, my Therapist said. True intimacy doesn’t demand perfection. It just asks you to show up truthfully, tenderly and full presence.

So maybe the question isn’t: “How do I get closer to them?”
Perhaps the real question is: How honestly am I willing to meet myself?

What’s one way intimacy has asked you to show up more honestly for yourself?
I’d love to hear in the comments. Or subscribe to Matters of the Heart for more soul-deep reflections, poetic messiness and soft truths worth sitting with.

Love Isn’t the Problem—Our Boundaries Are.

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I used to believe that unconditional love meant allowing everything. That if I truly loved someone, I should never draw a line. Never say no. Never walk away. But love, genuine and profound has taught me otherwise.

Over time (and heartache), I’ve come to realise that yes, love can be unconditional. It can hold space even when it’s hurting. It can forgive, understand, and see through the layers of another’s pain. But relationships? Relationships come with conditions, and they need to.

I’ve lived this. I’ve watched love stretch itself wide in me, loving someone even when I was disappointed, even when I was breaking. I’m also learning that without boundaries, love starts to bleed into sacrifice. And that’s not intimacy. That’s erosion. The truth is, love is the essence of who we are. It exists beyond rules, beyond ego. But in this human experience, our relationships need structure and conditions that protect the well-being of both partners. Conditions like safety, Respect, Shared values and Mutual willingness to grow.

I’ve had to confront the parts of myself that confused love with survival, that thought tolerating hurt was proof of devotion. But those were just echoes of childhood patterns. Not truth. Not the kind of love I want to build. It’s okay to ask for what you need. It’s okay if your partner can’t give it. It’s okay to love someone and still choose to walk away.

Some people may see that as control, but I see it now as clarity. Love says, “I care for you.” Assertiveness says, “But I won’t abandon myself in the process.”

So, no love isn’t about making sure someone stays no matter what. It’s about working together so the conditions for mutual safety, respect, and growth are met. When both people honour those conditions, love doesn’t just survive, it deepens. It expands. It becomes the kind of love that liberates rather than confines.

I still love fully, but i have learnt and continue to learn the importance of loving with boundaries. This isn’t the death of love; it’s what gives it life.

Purple Jacaranda blooming in the city – beauty grounded in structure.
📷 by me.

From Messy to Meaningful : Let’s talk Accountability.

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Trust is fragile. It takes years to build, seconds to break, and sometimes an eternity to rebuild. For me, trust feels like a bridge—strong, reliable, and the lifeline between people. But when that bridge is damaged, the journey to repair it can feel overwhelming.

Rebuilding trust isn’t just about patching things up; it’s about examining the foundation and taking accountability for the cracks. This process isn’t easy, and it’s sort of sad and good that I’ve had to learn this the hard way. I’ve struggled with accountability, often avoiding the difficult task of admitting my mistakes. But over time, I’ve come to realize that growth begins when you face yourself honestly.

The Analogy: Trust as a Bridge

Imagine trust as a bridge. It connects two sides, allowing a flow of love, communication, and understanding. The foundation of this bridge is accountability—without it, the structure is unstable. When a storm of mistakes, betrayal, or miscommunication hits, it’s not just the planks of trust that are damaged; the very foundation is shaken.

When I reflect on my own experiences, I realize that every broken bridge in my life shared one thing in common: a lack of accountability. Either I failed to take responsibility for my actions, or I was hurt by someone who refused to acknowledge theirs. And without accountability, trust simply couldn’t be rebuilt.

Taking Accountability: The First Step

Rebuilding trust starts with one uncomfortable but necessary step: owning your role in the damage. This is the hardest part. Accountability means looking at yourself in the mirror and admitting, “I made a mistake. I hurt someone I care about.”

I won’t sugarcoat it—I’ve struggled with this step. Admitting my faults has never come easily to me. I’ve had moments where I justified my actions, avoided the conversation, or clung to my pride. But I’ve learned that avoiding accountability only prolongs the pain. Taking responsibility is like clearing the debris from a broken bridge; without it, there’s no space to rebuild.

Rebuilding Trust: One Plank at a Time

Once accountability is established, the slow process of rebuilding trust begins. This isn’t something you can rush. Trust grows through consistency, transparency, and time. Every honest conversation, every promise kept, every act of vulnerability—these are the planks that rebuild the bridge.

But here’s the catch: trust isn’t a one-person job. Both sides have to work together to repair the connection. It takes courage to forgive, and it takes patience to rebuild.

In my experience, the hardest part is staying consistent. It’s tempting to expect immediate results, to want the other person to trust you again overnight. But trust doesn’t work like that. It grows in the small, steady moments—when your actions align with your words over time.

What Happens If You Don’t Work On It?

When trust is broken and accountability avoided, the relationship begins to crack under the weight of unresolved issues. Without effort, the bridge collapses entirely, leaving both sides isolated and hurt.

I’ve been on both sides of this—holding onto resentment when someone refused to take responsibility and struggling to earn back trust when I avoided the work. Pushing too hard to rebuild without laying a proper foundation only leads to more pain. Ignoring communication leads to resentment. And expecting trust to come back without doing the work is like trying to cross a bridge that hasn’t been repaired—it’s bound to fail.

Lessons Learnt: Building Stronger Bridges

If there’s one thing I’m learning from this process, it’s that rebuilding trust is an opportunity to strengthen the relationship—and yourself. When both sides commit to the work, the bridge can become sturdier than before.

Here’s what rebuilding trust has taught me:

Accountability is everything. Without it, there’s no foundation for change.

Consistency matters more than promises. It’s not about grand gestures but the small, everyday actions.

Patience is key. Trust takes time, and rushing the process only leads to frustration.

Forgiveness is a choice. It’s not about forgetting the hurt but choosing to move forward.

I’m still learning. I still catch myself slipping into old habits of defensiveness or impatience. But I’ve come to embrace accountability not as a punishment but as a path to growth. The lessons I’ve learned from my own mistakes are shaping me into a better version of myself—one who values trust and takes care to protect it.

Rebuilding trust is hard, but it’s worth it. Whether it’s with a partner, a friend, or a family member, the process can lead to growth and deeper connection.

Have you ever faced the challenge of rebuilding trust? What steps did you take to repair your bridge? Share your thoughts….

The Raw Truth of Where I Stand.

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Wow, it’s been ages since I last spilt my feelings out on this blog! Can you believe it’s been six years since I started writing down my random thoughts? Life just zooms by, right? It’s like we’re all getting tugged in a million directions, and suddenly, we find ourselves looking in the mirror, thinking, “Who am I even now, and where the heck am I headed?”

Today, I choose honesty—bold, unfiltered truth. No filters, no pretending, just me standing strong.

I am in a season of change—when every choice feels significant because it influences the person I want to become. Recently, I’ve made decisions, some of which I’m proud of, while others are difficult for me to comprehend, and some are far from my best. But the truth is, I’m here. I’m trying, I’m failing, and I’m healing.

I dream of a life where I wake up every morning feeling fulfilled. A life where my businesses thrive, my family feels like home, and I can look back and say, “I lived authentically.” But even as I dream, fear whispers in the background. It tells me I’m not enough. It reminds me of the times I’ve let myself down or let others down.

Fear is real, but so is hope. And hope is what keeps me writing today. It’s what keeps me fighting for a better version of myself—for a life filled with purpose, love, and connection.

This is me—flawed, hopeful, and figuring it out one step at a time. And I’m learning that it’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to pause, reflect, and be honest about where I am, including the understanding that it’s okay to experience grief and gratitude all at once. Because it’s only in owning our truth that we can begin to rewrite our story.

So, here’s to start over, embrace the unknown, and let honesty guide the way. I forgive myself for the past; after all, the possibilities ahead might just be as wild!

SELF ESTEEM

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Self-esteem is a positive or negative orientation towards oneself; an overall evaluation of one’s worth or value. Self- esteem may also be defined as how much you appreciate and like yourself regardless of the circumstances. People are motivated to have high self–esteem, and having it indicates positive self-regard, not egotism.

You can either have a low or high self-esteem and could be defined by many factors which are:

  • Self-confidence
  • Feeling of security
  • Identity
  • Sense of belonging
  • Feeling of competence

SELF CONFIDENCE

I feel like it’s a little ironic that I’m writing a blog post about self-confidence.

And that’s not because I have no self-confidence. Actually, quite the contrary. I honestly do believe I can achieve anything I truly want to achieve. I honestly do believe nothing is off limits, nothing is beyond my reach!

My self-doubt struggles…

It’s so easy to forget all of that when I’m going about my day-to-day life. It’s so easy to let fear and self-doubt completely consume my thoughts. Despite being surrounded by an overwhelming amount of evidence that I shouldn’t doubt myself, I still did. I let myself entertain the idea that I wasn’t good enough, that no one gives a fuck about what I have to say and that I won’t be successful.

And those thoughts played on repeat on a daily basis – no catalyst required. They just came up, no matter what was going on around me and no matter the number of people who told me I was doing an amazing job.

Being more confident is not as simple as flicking a switch. There’s no quick and easy answer. We’re talking about changing thoughts and beliefs that have been hardwired into our brains over a matter of years, if not decades and so, it takes hard work to improve your self-confidence.

If you want to learn to be brave, you have to put yourself in situations that scare you — but every process begins with your mind. Don’t underestimate the power of your thoughts. They can persuade you in or out of any situation.

If you don’t control what you think, your mind will betray you. Every time you give up, it’s because your head told you to. Did you know that your mind works against you when you’re afraid? Your fight or flight response kicks in, and you typically pick flight. You have to learn to use your mind to work for you.

SELF CONFIDENCE & PERFECTIONISM

Why do we sometimes feel that whatever we do, it isn’t quite good enough? Why do we feel that if something isn’t 100% perfect then it must be a failure? Whether it’s being a parent, a partner, a friend or an employee, giving a sporting or artistic performance or even cooking a meal, we sometimes have high and unrealistic goals. This can rob us of a sense of personal satisfaction and a loss of our self-esteem – in many different areas of our lives, we don’t feel as though we are good enough.

A perfectionist might not start a new project until he’s found the perfect way to approach it. Because of this procrastination, he might fall behind on his work or he might put in excessive hours to achieve a result that others may achieve in less time and with less effort.

As perfectionists, we feel like we’re never doing enough and we’ll never be enough, no matter how successful our life looks from the outside. And it’s pretty hard to feel confident when you believe that! Part of improving my self-confidence has been learning how to let go of the need for my life to look perfect, but it hasn’t been easy.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Do you struggle with self-confidence and self-doubt? And is there something you’ve done, or some advice you’ve received, that has helped you?

Please leave me a comment below to let me know, I’d love to hear from you! XOXO

It isn’t bad to feel sad….

On By @MattersoftheHeart1 Comment

Sadness is one of the four main human emotions — the others being happiness, fear and anger. Sadness is valid and useful; it alerts us to how we need to treat ourselves, and also as to how we want to be treated by others.

I am not talking about long-term sadness, or as Lewis Wolpert calls depression, “malignant sadness,” and I am certainly not talking about grief. Here, I am talking about the feeling of sadness that can be experienced when someone we like or love is unkind to us, when we see or experience something poignant, or when we experience some loss or hurt. These feelings will not last weeks but are not transient either. It may feel like a temporary shadow has passed across your feelings.

Some people have real difficulty identifying this emotion, due to living in a culture which values “positive” emotions above the more negative ones. This is a mistake because as humans, we need the full range of our emotions to be in working order in order to be able to respond appropriately to our own needs and those of others.

As sadness is not always acceptable in our culture and many people are uncomfortable witnessing the sadness of another, it can often be covered up by anger.



Occasionally when I feel angry with someone, when I look for the underlying emotion, it will be sadness or fear. You can check your true feelings by asking yourself what made you feel angry. For example, you might think, “I felt angry because he said something rude about my family.”

Then ask yourself, “What does it mean to me when people are rude about my family?” Maybe it means you feel attacked, or that you have bad parents and poor morals— this could cause feelings of fear that you are inadequate or sadness that you haven’t done a good job and that your friend thinks badly of you. I don’t know what you will come up with, but if you are interested in your authentic feelings, then you can uncover what you feel by keeping asking the same question: “What does it mean for me when (fill in whatever they said or did)?

Once you have identified sadness, then respond appropriately to this emotion in yourself and others. First, allow yourself to be sad. You don’t have to be “up” or “positive” all the time. If you feel sad, explore your feelings and find out what you need. You may need to talk to a friend, have time to yourself, or to work through your feelings and accept them. I prefer listening to sad songs to make me even sadder and that’ll make me feel a lot more better.



When you respond to others who are feeling sad you may just need to be with them, not rejecting them whilst they feel sad. It is okay to ask them, “What do you need right now?” Sometimes the experience of having someone sit with you whilst you experience previously unacceptable feelings can be very healing.

Whatever your own experience of sadness, remember it is part of being human. It allows us to recognize and value the contrast between feeling happy and sad. We need these contrasts in order to recognize our own vulnerabilities and those of others and to be able to appreciate our gains and losses.

The ability to recognize and respond to your own and others’ emotions will stand you in good stead. It will mean you are more likely to understand others and they are more likely to understand you.

Try to embrace all the emotions you have at your disposal, even the ones that may seem “weak” or “shameful”—these are just other people’s labels. After all, these feelings are what allow you to experience life at its fullest, and ultimately, they are part of what makes you human.

L. O. V. E

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People call it publicity, I call it lessons. People might be heartless and inconsiderate and they do deserve the most cruel of punishment. I do not know what to call it but some things are not anywhere close to love. After finding a kid genuinely lost, panicked and being harrased by passers by, two newly […]

L. O. V. E

The Strength of Vulnerability

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Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.

– Brené Brown

Whether you’re new to Brown’s work and incredible research or you’re looking for a quick, digestible summary of the most important lessons, look no further.

Here are some of the life-changing lessons;

  1. Don’t bottle up your emotions, become self-aware.

Most of us were taught to hide our emotions or run away from them. However, this causes nothing but continuous pain and stress. The consequences are far-reaching and the longer we keep those emotions bottled up, the worse the situation gets.

Instead, we need to become more self-aware and explore our emotions, asking questions to get in touch with how we’re feeling and thinking in a given moment.

Find a method to persuade these feelings out which works best for you such as writing, meditation, or talking to a friend.

  1. Vulnerability takes courage.

Most modern cultures err on the side of suppressed feelings in an effort to display strength. However, as it is demonstrated in her pivotal research, vulnerability is anything but weakness. In fact, it takes true strength and courage to allow yourself to be vulnerable.

The cool part about it, though, is the gifts we unlock by being willing to be vulnerable far outweigh the difficulty in doing so. By having the courage to be vulnerable and open up to ourselves and the world around us we come directly in touch with our most authentic self. And, in doing so, can live a much more fulfilling and happier life.

  1. Show up, face fear, and move forward.

In everything that we do, fear and criticism will always be there to greet us. Fear is the great restrictive force, as it stops most people from ever stepping more than one foot outside their comfort zone towards realizing their true desires.

Because fear and criticism will always be there in some form, the best course of action is always to show up anyway and move forward. No matter what you’re doing, show up every day to do what you were meant to do and don’t let these hindrances stop you.

The more you stand up to these negative forces, the more you’ll flex your courage and resilience and come out stronger for it.

  1. Seek excellence, not perfection.

Perfectionism is, “the belief that if we live perfectly, look perfectly and act perfectly, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame.”

Perfectionism isn’t about growth, improvement, or personal achievement, it’s about fear and avoidance. Therefore, what you should really be focused on is realizing excellence, the best version of yourself despite your flaws. This perspective is healthy and inclusive and leads to real personal growth as opposed to a flawed perfectionism.

  1. Dare to be you.

The final and perhaps most important lesson of all is that you must dare to be yourself– at whatever the cost.

The forces of fear, insecurity, and doubt will never go away no matter how hard you try to avoid, hide from, or attempt to bury them. Instead, face them with courage and confidence in your authentic self and know that you’ve been given the gifts necessary to overcome whatever is in front of you.

Dare to be yourself in all your glory– your strengths, skills, and beauty as well as your flaws and insecurities. In doing so, you can realize true strength of spirit.

THE MOST VITAL RELATIONSHIPS IN YOUR LIFE.

On By @MattersoftheHeart1 Comment

I’m a fan of relationships; all types. We crave connection because it is one of our most basic needs. In order to survive we must have peaceful, harmonious relationships. Relationships make the world go round and it doesn’t matter if it’s business, family or friends. The quality of our relationships says a lot about us and how we deal with people ultimately determines our level of success. An imbalance in one relationship has the potential to derail other areas. This may not always be the case, but to be on the safe side, make sure that your top relationships are in good standing.

Most of us have had missteps along the way where we have mishandled relationships and regretted it later only to find out that it was too late to apologize, salvage or make amends. When we were younger we tended to be more cavalier with relationships. We’d fall out with our friends over the smallest of things and never seem to get back on track. However, as we mature and become more seasoned, we are quick to repair those relationships that benefit us and cut those that suck the life out of us and take too much energy. Relationships are work, but they don’t have to be hard work. Whether its marriage, a friendship or a business relationship its important to deal with them accordingly in a way that will yield the greatest reward.

In order of importance, these are the key relationships that you need in your life;

Spirit

It doesn’t matter if you believe in God or a higher power, its important to be grounded in something greater than yourself. Your relationship to the spirit will allow you to call upon that power in good times and bad. It will keep and help you do far more than you could ever imagine. Have you seen how difficult it is for someone with no belief system to accomplish things? It’s because they believe that they can do it all alone. We are all spiritual beings and it is only by grace that we can achieve our destiny.

Self

When you have a healthy relationship with yourself you are keenly aware of who and what you are. You understand your strengths and opportunities for growth. We are our greatest cheerleader and our harshest critic, but a balance between the two will yield a healthy self-esteem that will allow you to accomplish anything.

Family

Many people have a love- hate relationship with their family. However it’s important for us to seek to be in alignment with our families. We should always do our best to be in peace and love them unconditionally. Despite distance or shortcomings we need to put our best foot forward and learn to co-exist with them even from afar. Send good energy towards them always because without it you will continue to struggle.

Friends, Associates And Colleagues.

How we deal with others is a reflection of what we have learned in dealing with spirit, family and ourselves. When we are in right relationship with friends, associates and colleagues, we bring peace, compassion, love and joy from those relationships and ultimately reap the rewards.

In a nutshell, healthy, meaningful connections in each of these areas will ensure that your life is filled with abundance and success.

5 Signs It May Actually Be Love At First Sight.

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  1. You Feel A Little Queasy Upon Meeting Them.

If you feel a little sick in the stomach upon meeting someone you’re attracted to, it could very well be love at first sight since our feelings can in a way impact our digestive system. It’s very common to feel butterflies or other physical sensations.

This happens because there’s a strong gut-brain connection. Since your stomach and brain work closely together, feelings of anger, happiness, sadness, and anxiety, can all trigger physical symptoms in your gut. So the queasy feeling of butterflies in your stomach that you get could be a result of the elation and anxiety you feel from meeting someone you’re really into.

  1. You Want To Know Everything About Them.

Have you ever met someone and just wanted to know every single thing about them? If you have, that’s a really good sign. A genuine fascination with a person and their thoughts on any and every topic is a clear indication that you could be falling for them in that very moment.

Being really attracted to someone doesn’t always mean you’re going to be a good match. Getting to know someone is the only way to see if you’re compatible. According to studies, having a curiosity to learn more about someone is a really good sign that you want more of a connection with them. For instance, a 2011 study published in the Journal of Personality, found that people create closeness and intimacy with others when they’re genuinely curious about them. Curiosity leads to asking more questions, which then leads to intimate conversations. Less curious people, on the other hand, are more likely to keep it to small talk.

  1. They’re The Only Person You See.

When the feeling is mutual, your eyes will often lock on one another, muting your ability to hear or see anyone or anything else. When it comes to love and attraction, eye contact is everything. A 2018 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that when you’re attracted to someone, you’re going to look at them as much as possible. Maintaining eye contact is also a great flirting technique — it allows someone to know you’re interested in what they have to say. So locking eyes with someone you’re attracted to can make you feel like you’re falling in love.

  1. You’ll Feel A Sense Of Familiarity.

When you experience love at first sight, it’s very common to feel like you’ve already met this person before. Nothing feels forced. It all seems naturally comfortable between the two of you. This can be incredibly powerful, as you feel your connection to this person may have existed prior to your first meeting like I did when I first met my love. Damn……well, that’s a story for some other day.

It’s hard to build a connection with someone when you’re constantly a nervous wreck around them. But when you’re completely relaxed, you can be yourself. That means you can bring up topics that you’re truly interested in or share your opinions without any fear of being judged. Feeling instantly comfortable with someone is a great sign that you may have the type of chemistry that’s meant to last.

  1. You Find Their Mannerisms Super Appealing

Finding another person’s mannerisms attractive is a tell-tale sign of falling in love. The way a person walks, talks, or smiles can be incredibly appealing and can make you feel an instant bond. Overlooking someone’s quirks or even being engaged by something that would otherwise send us in the opposite direction, is a good indication that it is love at first sight.

There are more physical signs that you’re attracted to someone at first sight like your heart speeding up, your body temperature getting hot, and the smile that just won’t leave your face. You’ll feel excited and your body shows it because your brain is releasing endorphins; This is your body telling you there is attraction and a connection. This is that ‘you just know’ feeling.

While it’s clear that your body naturally reacts a certain way when you meet someone attractive, is it actually love? There is no way to know if this is the case at first sight. Much more needs to be learned about the other person to truly love them. But that can happen quickly depending on how much time is spent together and how open and honest the two are with each other. So it is possible that love will happen, especially if the excitement continues each time you see each other.

Love does need time to develop. But that doesn’t mean you should discount that initial connection you feel with someone. If you believe in love at first sight, don’t let anyone, let alone science, tell you it isn’t real. After all, Prince Harry said he knew Meghan Markle was “The One” the very first time they met. So it can happen, right?