Have you missed me, people of the interwebs? I’ve missed you. It has been two and a half years since I last posted. It’s been a little interesting since then. Let me catch you up a little on where I am now.

In May of 2016, I attended the annual women’s retreat with the Oregon Free Methodists. It was amazing (of course). While I was there, I felt God tap me on the shoulder a little bit. I felt a pull into ministry work. I felt Him telling me to go to my pastor and ask her about stepping into ministry and walking down the path towards becoming a pastor. My response? Nice chat, Father… but no. That’s scary and no. I’m ill-equipped and NO. Some of you are probably picturing a petulant child with their hands on their hips, stomping their foot, and telling their parents “no”. That is pretty much how it went. I went on with my life, pretending like God had never tapped me on the shoulder. A few months later, in August, I was asked to go to a leadership seminar with the leaders of my church. At first, I figured I was invited because I run the children’s ministry program. No big deal. While I was at this seminar, one of the people who spoke talked about being called to ministry. My ears perked up a bit. She talked about the path to becoming ordained and everything that entails. At this point, I had not told anyone about what happened at the retreat.

From there, things kind of snowballed. In November of 2016, I was brought before my church as an LMC (Licensed Ministerial Candidate, for those who don’t know). Since then, I have undergone a class about the history of Free Methodism, gone to another women’s retreat, and started doing a bit of speaking during our church service. Every single piece of this still terrifies me, but I am slowly figuring out that God is going to use me for His purpose whether I want Him to or not. I have had to get over myself. I told Him, “But God, I am not the right person for this. I have tattoos and piercings. I dye my hair weird colors. I’m not good at public speaking. I drink wine more nights of the week than I don’t. I can’t do this.” Does anybody want to guess what God had to say about that? “I know you. I know every part of you. Your tattoos tell a story of where you have been and who you are. Use them to teach. Open your mouth. I will speak through you.” I have struggled to listen to this calling. In so many ways I feel like I am incapable. In my conversations with God, I frequently use the words “But, God…”. If you don’t pay attention to anything else I say today, pay attention to this: USING THOSE WORDS MEANS YOU SHOULD BE PREPARED FOR GOD TO PROVE YOU WRONG. Every single time I start my sentence that way, God gives me an interesting lesson. Sometimes the lesson is “I will give you the words if you just shut up a minute.” Sometimes it’s “I made you this way. Stop questioning Me.” Recently, the lesson has been “You need to stop arguing with Me. I’m bigger than you.” God is right. Obviously.

This weekend is the Oregon Free Methodist Annual Conference. Had I felt led to, I could have chosen to move to the next step in this process and become a CMC (Conference Ministerial Candidate). When I tried to make the decision for myself, I once more felt God tapping me on the shoulder. “Wait until next year. Get everything in order. There isn’t a rush. I’m with you.” So I chose to wait. I am praying that everyone who is at the conference this weekend has a wonderful time and that God touches each and every one of them. I feel so blessed to know that during this journey, I have an amazing support group. People who are already in ministry. People who are starting down the journey with me. Friends and family who love me. And most importantly: God.

I will be back and posting again in a few days or so. May God bless you all, I love you!

I am sitting in the airport waiting to board a flight to Denver. I am flying out to go say goodbye to my gramma. Ever since we got the first diagnosis of brain cancer I have been dreading this day. I got a call 3 weeks ago telling me that the doctors have called it. They are done fighting. I wasn’t ready for that. I’m still not. How do you say goodbye to someone who has been the reassuring voice on the other end of the phone? How do you say goodbye to one of the most resilient women you have ever known? I guess I’m about to find out…

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life. What I have accomplished and what I have yet to accomplish. Guess which list is bigger? For being 27 years old, I feel I have done some living. I have lived in four states. Visited to seventeen states and two other countries. I have been a bartender. I have worked in a school. I have worked for a bakery. I have loved. I have lost. I have had children. I have lost babies. I have said goodbye to friends. I have dipped my toes in both the Pacific Ocean and the Gulf of Mexico. I have driven over the Mexican border. I have had to get stitches (multiple times). I have had surgery. I have turned away from God, only to come running back into His arms. I have read more books than I can count.

I feel like I have lived a full life. I also feel like there is so much left to do. Here is my list. My bucket list. The list of things that I would like to do before I kick the bucket. Some of these things are very doable. Some are a bit silly. Some are downright impossible. But it is still my list.

Bucket List

• Visit all 50 states
• See the World’s Largest Ball of Twine
• Meet the Pope
• See the Vatican
• Visit Scotland
• Visit Ireland
• Visit England
• Buy cheese in France
• Meet someone at the top of the Empire State Building
• Kiss my hubby at the top of the Eiffel Tower (or at least however high they will let us climb up)
• See the pyramids in Egypt
• Dive on a sunken ship
• Have a second honeymoon
• Take my kids to DisneyLand
• Go on a cruise
• Touch the Wailing Wall
• Visit Israel/Jerusalem
• Finish writing a book
• Publish a book (self published or otherwise)
• Own a bakery
• Take an archaeology course at a college
• Adopt
• Own a 1965 Mustang
• Beat my husband at Monopoly
• Name a star with the registry

Leave me a comment. Tell me about YOUR bucket list. Do we have any in common? Have I given you any ideas? Have you done anything on my list? Tell me about it. I love a good story.

Lately I have been writing. Not on my blog (obviously), but in a notebook that I keep at my desk. I am writing several things at once. A fictional story. Some poetry. A shopping list. A bucket list. Sometimes the things that I feel prompted to write are things that make me hurt. Things that make me wince. Sometimes they are things that make me laugh or cry. But more often than not, they are things that make me hurt. Writing is an outlet for me. I can take my feelings and write them down and then they are out there in the world. Whether it is things I am dealing with in the present or things that have happened in the past. The story that I am working on now was inspired by some things that happened to me before I met my amazing husband. They are not happy things. But writing a story with my life in mind and being able to control how it ends is a very empowering feeling. It makes me feel like I have survived the bad in my life to be able to live and love with ferocity. I will not be sharing this story with anyone. I know, I know. Why write it if I am not going to share it? Because it is a story for me.

You know how when you get an infection, the bad has to come out before the healing can begin? My story is sort of like that. Except my healing has already begun and I am just purging the last bit of bad. I tried counseling. That didn’t work as much as I would have liked it to. For a while my doctor even had me try an antidepressant. As ironic as it sounds, that was depressing. Having to admit that I was on medication because I couldn’t control my own feelings was not a feeling that I liked.

I have been working harder on giving over my bad feelings and bad memories to God. And He has been prompting me to write. Some days I sit and write furiously for an hour and when I look over my work, I have nothing. Other days I sit for only fifteen minutes and I have gone past multiple barriers. Writing is one of those things that I have always been drawn to. I would not consider myself a particularly gifted writer, but I am a writer none the less. My writings serve their purpose and I suppose that is what matters in the end.

I have a feeling that God will keep pushing me to write. Who know… I may even finish my story someday.

Gift. When you think of that word, what is the first thing that comes to mind? Is it the necklace your husband bought you for an anniversary? Or maybe it is the nerf gun you gave your son for Christmas. Perhaps it is the company of a friend when you are feeling blue. Gifts come in many forms. The gifts I am talking about today are the gifts that God gives you to help spread His word. For a very long time I thought I knew what my gifts were. I love to sing. I love to bake. I love to write. Those are gifts, but still not the ones that I am talking about. I have recently learned something about myself. The pastor at my church told me not too long ago that I am easy to talk to and have a way of making people feel comfortable. That made me stop and think. All my life, I have always been a mother hen sort of figure. Friends come to me with problems and I listen and do my best to help them find their way through it. I am starting to think that this may be my God given gift. I could certainly use my other gifts to help further the reach of God’s word, but I believe this is the gift that I was given for that specific purpose. Why else would it be so easy for people to talk to me? Now that I have realized this, I want to use it. That is where you guys can help. I want to hear feedback. I want ideas as to how you think I could use my gift. I also want to hear about your gifts. What do you think is your God given gift? The gift God has prepared specially for you to use in the battle for His Kingdom. There are a few people I know that I am able to see their gifts clearly.

My friend Heather has a passion for God that has remained unabated from the first moment I have known her. She is also very humble and service driven. I cannot think of a single time when I have needed something (whether I knew it or not) that she hasn’t stepped up and offered her assistance. A lot of the time she knows when I need help before I know it. She helps keep me in check. Heather is the one who helped light my way back to God. I look up to her as a mother and she is one of my very best friends. Without her passion and service, I do not think I would have made my way home when I did. That is one of her gifts.

My mama is another person whose gifts I can see clearly. She has not always been my favorite person. We fought a lot when I was growing up. I was kind of wretched. But one thing has always been very clear about her: she loves God and she loves people. My mama is one of those people who is impossible to dislike. Her sense of humor and her warmth almost force you to love her. She also has this tendency to take in “strays”. Stray people. Those that need a friend or a caring mom figure. Acts of service is one of the ways she shows her love. She gives so much to everyone around her. Her time, her home, her love, her work. It never ends. She loves with all that she is. Seeing her love makes me want to love the same way. To love people and God as much as she does. My mama’s gift is love.

Those are two of the most influential people in my life. Two that make me strive to be better. Better for my husband. Better for my kids. Better for my friends. Better for strangers. Better for God. I see them wield their gifts, their weapons in the battle for God’s Kingdom, and it urges me to wield my own. How do you think I could use my gift? How could you use your gift? What is your gift? If you don’t know, take some time to pray about it and then listen. Listen for God’s reply and remember, God does not always speak to us in the way we expect. Listen to those around you. Listen to the Bible. When you figure out your gift, you are on your way to being the best soldier for God that you can be.

Thank you all. I love you.

God Bless

It has been nearly two weeks since the start of the new year and I have yet to write down resolutions. I have some thinking though on the things I would like to accomplish this year. This Sunday, our pastor tasked us with finding four words that will keep us in mind of the things that God wants us to work on in ourselves this year. Where we need to grow this year. It was a lot easier to find my words than I thought it would be. It was only a few moments of prayer and Bible reading before I had them written down. I think God has been waiting for me to ask. Perhaps He has grown weary of having to SHOVE me in the right direction (listening to directions is not always my strong suit). I would like to share with you my words and my reasoning behind them.

My first word is: HEAL.  To some of you that might not make much sense. Others know exactly why this is my first word. I have not always been the wisest in my choice in life paths. This has left me with some very deep emotional, psychological, and physical wounds. I have not taken enough time to heal those wounds. I still have a lot that I need to heal within myself before I can truly serve God the way He means to use me. It will take time and a little bit of pain, but I will do everything I can. I have to. “Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved: for thou art my praise.” (Jeremiah 17:14)

My second word is: SUBMISSION.  Now that can be a very ugly word to some people. But really, it is beautiful. And every person on the planet who believes in God has at one point or another practiced or professed submission. “Not my will, but Yours be done.” That is submission. Not thinking of our own desires, and instead listening for what God wants us to do. When we submit to Him completely (not just on Sundays), I believe the changes that we see in our lives will be phenomenal. I am not perfect. I am certainly nowhere near as submissive to God as I should be… But I’m working on it. “Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” (James 4:7)

My third word is: FEAR.  I am so afraid of so many things. I need to learn to let go and let God take care of me. It is so hard to do. I fear change. I fear becoming stagnant. I fear not being a good mom. I fear not being a good wife. I fear disappointing my family. I fear clowns. I fear the dark. I really do have a lot of fear in my life and it is time for that to stop. “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God; I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” (Isaiah 41:10)

My fourth word is: BATTLE.  This is another word that may seem to be an odd choice. In my heart I know that we are the warriors of God. We are his soldiers in the fight against evil. I need to better prepare myself to battle the devil this year. Last year, I know I lost quite a few of my battles. Not this year. This year will be better. “Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, stand.” (Ephesians 6:13)

Those are going to be my words this year. These are the areas I feel that God has directed me to grow in my life. I am sure He will help me along the way. I just need to be mindful of His direction.

Blessings To You

Patience is not my strongest point. I do not like to wait for things. Not even a little bit. Even if they are things which could be unpleasant. I just don’t like to wait. Putting the kettle on even tests my patience most days.

Some of you may know this, but I battle with endometriosis and chronic ovarian cysts. I had a hysterectomy in 2012 with the hopes that leaving only one ovary would help with this problem. It didn’t. It really didn’t. Since then, I am almost always in pain. It has simply become a way of life for me. Well, after waiting on a list for what felt like forever, I finally got in to see the specialist I have been trying to see. He has a treatment plan! I am beyond thrilled with this news (I had my appointment in mid-December). The bad news? He went on vacation shortly after my appointment and then didn’t have an opening for me to start my treatment plan until mid-February. Did I mention that I hate waiting? It is not a pleasant sounding treatment plan, but it has to be better than being in pain all the time right? And almost anything is better than waiting 2 months to be poked with a bunch of needles. Why not just get it over with? Antici…………pation. Ugh.

I have spent a lot of time praying that God will just take the pain away. Why give me this pain? Why give me these wretched PMS-like mood swings if I am now incapable of bearing children (I still get weird PMS symptoms while also having one foot into menopause. Hot flashes are NO JOKE)? Seems a bit unfair to me. And that is when I was given this lovely little verse that put me back in my place: “Wherefore let them that suffer according to the will of God commit the keeping of their souls to Him in well doing, as unto a faithful Creator.” (1 Peter 4:19) 

Ouch. What I got from that, is that “yes, I am in pain. Yes, God has given me this pain for a reason. No, He isn’t going to just take it away. Yes, I need to work through the pain and still keep up the work I am doing with the church. Because in the end, doing God’s will is more important than a few aches and pains.” I dislike being in pain almost as much as I dislike waiting. I just have to trust that God knows what He is doing in my life and roll with it. Thankfully, He has given me a few things that can help ease the pain for a short bit. They say that “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. I guess at the end of this I will be one buffed out warrior woman of God. Like Xena: Warrior Princess. But with a Bible and a church dress instead of leather negligee-like-garments and a sword.

Maybe I can muster up a little bit of patience…

But only a little.

Blessings To You

Sometimes, God tests me in ways that I really wish He wouldn’t. I know. It is bad of me to be unhappy with God. But, let’s face it, not everything God has to say to us is something that we accept graciously. Sometimes it is with much kicking and screaming and dragging of feet that we end up heading in the direction that God is guiding us. This has been happening to me lately quite a bit. I have noticed that when I really dig my heels in and try to protest, God snaps me out of it in a rather abrupt way. God has been testing me lately as a wife and a mother. My children have been driving me crazy and there are days when the things my husband asks of me seem ridiculous. I know that as a mother I need to be patient with my babies. I need to always use loving correction. I need to love them all equally. There are times when one of my kids is acting nicer than the others. One may want to snuggle more while the others feel like yelling and running about the house. It is hard to remind myself not to yell at the kids for yelling while snuggling the one who is being lovey.

I struggle quite a bit in my marriage. Not in the ways that modern society thinks a struggle in marriage would be. I have no desire to be with any other man. I have no desire to leave my husband. I have no desire to fight with my husband. But sometimes it is difficult to remember that he is supposed to be the head of the household. Especially on the days when I feel like I know better than he does. I have come to notice that if I start believing that I know better than he does and if I start showing him disrespect in any way, God brings me back in line by embarrassing me. Or rather, letting me embarrass myself. Those are the days when I open my mouth and the most absurd things come out.

Being tested by God can be a very stressful thing. It can also be very rewarding if you are paying attention and learn whatever it is that God is trying to teach you. Next time you sit down and talk with God, try asking what He is trying to show you and then keep your eyes and heart open and ready to receive His testing. I know it is hard. But I also know that I feel so much better when I have received His testing with an open heart. Even the hardest test can feel good if you are coming at it the right way.

God Bless and Merry Christmas!!

Today is my birthday. Today, I am 27 years old. I am officially in my late 20’s. Last night I laid in bed, tossing, turning, and in general not sleeping. I did a lot of thinking though. I thought about my life. I thought about what I have done in the last 27 years. There are so many days when I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything with my life. I didn’t do hardly any of the things I had planned for myself. I didn’t go to college. I didn’t get to be Miss America. I haven’t published a book. I’m not on track to be president. The only singing I do is with my kids and in the car, definitely not a swanky nightclub. I still haven’t been to Las Vegas or New York or Europe. But you know what, there is a lot that I HAVE done.

I have loved. I have made babies. I have married an amazing man. I have made a home. I have nearly finished writing a book. I have found incredible friends. I have been to Mexico and Canada. I have waded in Hawaiian waters. I have geeked out over silly tv shows. I have read the equivalent of a library full of books. I taught myself to knit. I have tried to hide from God. I have found my way back to God. I have gained family and lost family. I have taught my children. I have learned from my children. I have moved away from home and then longed to be back there. I have given up coffee (or at least tried to). I have watched my mom beat cancer. I have fought my way through cysts and endometriosis. I have made it through a hysterectomy. I have survived an abusive partner. I have miscarried babies. I have been in a car accident. I have been shown more love than I ever thought possible.

Do you see which list is bigger? I may never make it to Europe or be President of the United States, but I have a house full of love, a God who fights for me, friends who are dear to my heart, and a life I wouldn’t give up for anything. Happy Birthday to me. I can’t wait to see what the next 27 years have in store for me.

God Bless all of you. Be safe. Know you are loved.

I have been struggling lately with my temper and my children. It seems like every little thing they do that isn’t right in step with my plan for the day just drives me crazy. I have yelled at my kids far too much lately. On Sunday, I sat down with my kids and talked to them. I told them that I was sorry for how little control I have had on my temper lately. I told them that I wanted them to help me be accountable for my temper. Then I asked them to pray with me. They happily held my hands and prayed for God to help me to not feel so angry at the littlest things. When we were finished praying, my kids did something that kind of surprised me. They told me that they didn’t want to just pray with me, they were also going to pray FOR me when they say their prayers. I was more than a little amazed.

I have felt myself not having nearly as many problems with my temper the past few days. It is amazing what can happen when you give your problems over to God in prayer. And the way He uses children to get our attention is pretty incredible as well. I am so very blessed to have the children and husband that I have.

Everything that you struggle with can be brought to God in prayer. Everything. There is nothing too great or too small for Him. Give Him your troubles in prayer. I promise that you won’t regret it.

God Bless