To live in the present tense

I have started reading and writing about my experiences.  The type of book I eventually want to write will include my story with alternating chapters of information on what I was experiencing.  So I started reading about the things I went through.

Its been rough.  I have noticed a slight uptick in nightmares and other PTSD symptoms.  But I keep going.  I feel that I HAVE to do this.

I started out with “Reviving Ophelia” by Mary Pipher, Ph.D.  It was written in the mid 90s, right when I was a teenager.  It is about the plight of girls in the society of that time period.  The influences of media, culture peer pressure, etc.  I read it once when I was in high school, and reading it again in my 30s….wow.  It has helped me get a handle on what I was exposed to, how the things that happened to me were all too common.

I then went to the library and checked out books on domestic violence.  Mainly to get a feel for the types and statistics.  I read The Domestic Violence Sourcebook by  Dawn Berry.  I was shocked to read about “dating violence”.   Especially this part:

Rape and other sexual abuse is much more common, or at least more frequently reported, among dating couples. (p 139)

My heart also stopped when I read this:

There are two factors that make it difficult to stop this type of abuse.  First, many people think it is less traumatic or serious than rape by a stranger, that it is not “real rape”.  In fact, it may be more damaging to a woman’s long-term psychological health to be treated brutally and violated in the most intimate way possible by someone she knows and trusts. (p 143)

Reading that gave me a sense of validation.  I consider the abuse from #2 to be most horrific.  The degradation, the forced sexual acts, the humiliation.  I have heard from many people, close family and friends included, that I should just “get over it” or “it was so long ago, how come it is still causing you problems?” Reading it in print, that this form of abuse is frequently reported and considered more damaging, helps me realize that I’m not crazy.  That I’m not overly sensitive.  That there isn’t something wrong with me because I can’t just “get over it”.

My body was violated.  My soul shattered.  I was abused by three people I trusted.  Two were people I thought I loved and who I thought loved me.  One took vows in front of our family and friends to love, honor and respect me.  No wonder I have been messed up for 16 years over this shit!!

Further validation came from the book “Invisible Scars:  How to Stop, Change, or End Psychological Abuse” by Catherine Dowda:

Verbal abuse may be the most damaging, pervasive, contaminating form of violence.  it lowers our self-esteem, steals our confidence and immobilizes us.  (p 11)

Psychological abuse consists of mind games played out in a devious fashion, mostly to establish or maintain control.  it is the Chinese water torture of abuse’ usually a continuous pattern of behavior that can leave the recipients feeling like they are going crazy. (p 9)

She also describes a form of psychological abuse called “stonewalling”.  She describes it as “totally ignoring your partner or refusing to communicate” (p. 11).  She states that “the icy emotional distancing is powerful at the time and very destructive in the long run” (p. 11).

This book basically described my first marriage.  To a tee.  And my husband’s first marriage.

I am learning a lot about the abuse I experienced.  I learned that it is far too common than I ever thought, and things that were downplayed by all three were, in fact, abuse.  I learned about the games abusers play to make themselves look better or to rationalize the abuse.  And I’m also learning just how far I have come in my healing journey.

I’m now reading about PTSD, memory and intuition.  I hope to use all of this knowledge in the future to work with survivors of domestic violence.