The Top 10 Query Letter Tips for Cretins

Today Chris Andrews is visiting with a fun post. I met Chris, a fellow Aussie writer, at GenreCon2012 and immediately liked his humour and energy. Take it away, Chris!

1: The curiosity factor
The key to a good query letter is intrigue, so withhold the title, genre, word count, and even the reason why anyone would want to read it. In fact, send it to them from an anonymous email account with absolutely no contact details at all. To really pique their curiosity, include a video of your best friend doing karaoke.

2: Have fun!
Drop subtle hints about your story, like: 'Did you notice the attached computer virus?' or 'When was the last time you checked your car's brakes?' You can further stand out from the email in-box with the imaginative use of fonts – the more the better. If the agent or publisher specialises in mysteries, go with Wingdings or white text on a white background.

3: Guidelines are for losers
Would a successful author follow guidelines? Of course not, so give them what they need instead: your life story, a full breakdown of all your hopes and dreams, copies of everything you've written since kindergarten, and your acceptance speeches for all the literary prizes you'll win. If you've got a photo of a cute pet, send that too (it can't hurt).

4: Your time is valuable
So pitch the idea before you've even written the book. If that fails (unlikely), bombard them with any ideas you can think of, making sure you cover additional concepts for the sequels, spinoffs, webisodes, interactive games, and cruise-ship stage plays. Additionally, compile a list of all your ideas and send them to every agent with an email address (at once - so it's obvious they have competition). Save more time by sending it out without proofreading.

5: Their time is valuable too
Sometimes you need to pander to their needs, so skip all the introductory stuff and get on-side immediately by doing your research. Mention their home address, their partners/parents/children's names, their favourite holiday destination (show up and say 'Hi'), and visit their house while they're out to get to know their pets and friends. If that doesn't grab their attention, nothing says 'I really want to be a published author' like delivering a life-sized painting of their mother-in-law to their office.

6: Demand your price
Don't settle for anything less than a million-dollar advance. In fact, demand it before letting them see your manuscript. You're the best of the best, the top one per cent, and with a decent advance you'll even hand it over. They'll be sorry if they turn you down – tell them that too.

7: Bragging rights
You're a brilliant writer, so let them know you've seen the future and you'll sell 25 million copies. Further demonstrate your awesomeness by attaching the cover art you did yourself – every version. Include details about why Oprah will love your book, and your plans to write, direct and star in the inevitable movie. Oscars are assumed.

8: Hand deliver it for that personal touch
Everyone loves attention, particularly book people. For maximum impact arrive via helicopter and stroll into the office made up like a zombie (zombies are hot!). Insist on handing your query directly to your preferred agent or editor, but make sure you 'forget' to erase those naked photos of yourself from the USB (everyone deserves a treat).

9: Go retro
In the 'olden days' they wrote letters on dead trees, so grab your chainsaw and make a nice cross section of your neighbour's favourite hardwood. If the postage is too high, try handwriting with fluorescent ink on coloured paper. For added effect sprinkle glitter in the envelope and spray it with perfume. Bonus points will be awarded if you include a chocolate frog (everyone loves chocolate), but be considerate and unwrap it first.

10: The next big thing is…
You! Because you are, right? Be persuasive! Tell them your mother/friends/teachers loved your manuscript, boast about the decades you’ve spent writing it (as this clearly gives it depth), and explain how your story thinly disguises your incredibly interesting life. It won't hurt to add a list of your rejections too (just to prove how proactive you are). Finally, mention how being a published author is your life-long dream – that always softens them up.

Chris Andrews began his writing career when he boldly and ignorantly announced he could write a better novel than the one he’d just read. While he’s no longer ignorant about the challenges of writing novels, the dream remains. Find him on twitter: @ChrisAndrewsAU or at his website: http://fandelyon.com/. 


If you liked the Top Ten Query Letter Tips for Cretins, you might also like The Cretin's Top Ten Ways to Successfully Pitch to an Agent or Editor. 

Have you done--or wanted to do--any of these tips? Can you think of any more query letter tips for cretins?

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The Right Time to Query

The big question for every writer who is serious about getting published is this: When is the right time to query? Unfortunately this is not something that we can be told. Each of us has to decide. However, there are some key points that might help.

For example, it's probably not a good idea to start querying after you've finished your first draft. The manuscript will be as rough as a porcupine pillow. I know of no writer who has a quality manuscript after the first draft, no matter how long it took them to write it.

It's also probably not a good idea to start sending out your manuscript to agents and publishers if no one else has read it. Critique partners and beta readers are essential, even for seasoned writers. No matter how talented you might be, you will miss mistakes trusted readers will be able to catch.

Many of us are the impatient sort and we want to start querying the day we declare our manuscripts finished. It's probably a better idea to wait two weeks, read through it again and then send it. I've heard agents say to wait two months before sending.

Of course, there have been exceptions to the rule. I know of an author who sent only the first three chapters of an unfinished book and scored a contract based on that alone. But remember, that's the exception.

The publishing game is a slow one. There is no need to hurry when it comes to our first books. As Jennifer Hillier said in an interview with herself found here, 'Write the best book you can. DON'T RUSH – enjoy the fact that with your first novel, you don't have a deadline and can take your time. When it's ready, and not a day before, start querying. And never, ever give up.'

How do you know if you are ready to query? 

Tips for Writing the Perfect Pitch

‘If you want to be a successful published author, you have to be your own best advocate and that starts at mastering the pitch.’ Hazel Flynn, publisher.

I will be the first to admit that writing queries are not my forte, however I have read a lot of dos and don’ts regarding this hair-pulling writing exercise so I’d like to share what I’ve learned.

Purpose of the pitch
While it’s often a case of easier said than done, the pitch is meant to pique the agent’s interest in your story so they will want to know more. It is a brief explanation of what your book is about.

Profile of a pitch
A pitch shouldn’t be longer than 250 words. In a few short paragraphs the writer has to give a sense of the main characters, show the conflict, the setting, genre and word count. It should be written in third person present tense regardless of the style your book is written in.

Tips for pitches
Publishers are taking fewer risks these days so it’s worth spending quality time to get the query right.

If you can’t get a handle on your central theme, how can anyone else? You need to show you have a clear vision.

If you have a great concept, you need to make sure you can show you’ve put that concept into a solid story with conflict and a character arc. A book won’t sell on the concept alone.

The spoken pitch is very different to the written query. Make sure you have both prepared—especially if you are heading for a conference. And practise that spoken pitch so you can avoid the stutters and show confidence.

The sub-plots aren’t as important in the query. Removing them for the pitch makes it easier to find that central driving theme of your story.

Can you add any more tips for writing the eye-catching query?

Query Mistakes

I’m not going to pretend I’m a master of query letter writing. I have sent out a number of queries in my time. I’ve had short stories published but I suspect it was due to the story rather than my letters. I look back at some of my early queries and I cringe at the mistakes I made.

Once I started a query with, ‘To whom it may concern’. Yes, really.

Failing to read the publisher’s guidelines, I sent out the full manuscript of my 130K epic fantasy... after the 2nd draft. The formatting was all wrong too. Insert face palm.

I was young and clueless back then. I wasn’t a member of any associations or writer’s groups to steer me in the right direction and I thought the internet was something geeks did in the basements of their mother’s homes. Mystery shrouded the publishing industry.

Thank goodness things have changed. There is a plethora of resources on the net and in print on how to write a strong query.

Elana Johnson has written a book, From the Query to the Call. You can get your FREE copy here.

Rachelle Gardner posted a great article recently on 13 ways to screw up your query.

Query Shark goes through weak queries and explains how to improve them

What are some of your query mistakes you’re willing to share? Do you know of other helpful query resources?


Note: This post is part of the A-Z Challenge. To learn more about the challenge click the image on my sidebar.

Thanks: A heart-felt thanks to Melissa Bradley for the Versatile Blogger Award. And to Victoria Dixon for the Sisterhood Award.

Reminder: Please vote for my blog here. I’ve entered it into the bonus People’s Choice Award as part of the Sydney Writers’ Centre Best Australian Blogs Award 2011. My blog is listed under W.I.P It: A Writer’s Journey -- Lynda Young.