With him being in college, and me pregnant, we had no money….and essentially no place to live after christmas when my parents hospitality was used up. We eventually moved in with his mother at the end of January 1997. I was planning a wedding. I didnt want to wait until after the baby was born, so we decided February 22nd, 1997. In order to secure the church, we had to be active memebers. This meant going to church. Pregnant, unmarried, going to church in a small town…I was really uncomfortable and he was oddly unreassuring. This was the first quality I abandoned the hope he’d ever learn. He was always so very caught up in everything and everyone else. There was little time or patience for me and my insecurities.
I didnt have too many people to invite – so his side of the church was filled, mine was almost empty. I was fine with that, I wasnt ready to get married. I didnt have a bunch of people i wanted to witness the mistake i was about to make.
My father walked me down the aisle. Before we walked down, the nusic was playing, i said “I think I should wait in the car.”
“You’re fine”
“No, really, I think it would be better if I waited in the car.”
“You’re fine”
Down the aisle we walked, the ceremony was a blur, there were people, music, my vows were a whisper no one could hear, candles, kissing…god, I was SO relieved when it was over! We ate, visited with friends, danced – he and his friends drank. A lot.
For our honeymoon we had two nights at a nearby hotel. Once we got there there he wanted to have sex. I didnt. I felt so empty and sad and alone…what had I done? I took a bath. A long hot bath. I was exhausted.
I had packed everything for our two days away at the hotel. Five months pregnant, living in his mothers basement, planning an entire wedding on my own – I forgot to pack his sneakers. He was livid! How could I have forgotten something like that?! Oh looked, I remembered to pack MY OWN shoes! I must have just done it to make him mad! His mothers house was 5 miles from the hotel, we should just go get your sneakers… NO! WE’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE! His anger was so confusing and misplaced.
We had gotten money for our wedding, I wanted to use it to get pizza for dinner one of the nights, he said no. We needed to use that money to pay off the credit card he’d used to buy my engagement ring. So I ate the top to our wedding cake instead.
Looking Forward 