Ive not been sleeping well. It feels like its been months since I’ve woken up and not been feeling like I could sleep for another 8 hours. I fall asleep ok, but staying asleep is a problem. I toss and turn. Dreams often wake me up and I feel unsettled and edgy.
So, as anyone who reads this knows, I have boys. Two boys, A is 15 going on 40 and D is 12 going on 6. I try to show them that while my world revolves very much around them, the real world does not. My father used to tell me and m brother “The world doesn’t owe you a goddamned thing.” And its true. Many of the boys peers don’t see the world this way. They get what they want, when they want it. They ask and the world provides…or their parents provide, and thereby enabling the cycle of entitlement.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I have, and do occasionally, spoil my kids. They would disagree, but to me, it feels like spoiling them. I worry about this. I want them to be tough. I want them to understand the world the way that I do – you work for what you get. Even when you work your ass off, sometimes the world still shits on you. You are owed nothing. You need to make your own happiness, you’re own life.
I’m by no means a perfect parent. If you asked my ex, he’d tell you I was the WORST PARENT OF ALL TIME. Of course, he has no actual basis for that statement, he just hates me because I burst his bubble. My kids would also tell you that I have many parental failings. Some of which are funny, like the time we all sat down to watch MacGruber. I didn’t know it was Rated R for strong crude and sexual content, violence, language and some nudity. Silly me. I paused it 5 or 6 times saying “Oh my god you guys, I can’t let you watch this!” and they’d say “Come on mom! this is funny! we wont tell anyone! we promise we wont repeat any of these jokes at school. COME OOOOOONNN! Please!!!???!!!!!”
Ugh. Fine.
Or the time I accidentally stole a bag of carrots from the grocery store. D said “well you went back in and apologized right?” Ummmmmm…….
This weekend my older son was a jerk. I was actually thinking that worst person ever is now standing in my kitchen. How did this happen? What did I do to create this? I am apparently, the worst parent ever! Good god, he sounds just like his father…..remember not to say that out loud….I have no idea how to handle this!
Here is what happened:
A’s xbox broke. The only way I’d consider replacing it for him was if he’d agree to share it with his brother. (compromise on time sharing) He glared at me. How dare I suggest such a thing?! The dead xbox actually was a gift for both of them, years ago. After several broken controllers, D was no longer allowed to play, unless he wanted to buy his own controller. He never did. So, the xbox lived in A’s room, with A being the only one who ever played it, for the last 2-3 years.
I explained that I couldn’t, in good conscious, spend that kind of money on one kid and not the other. He kept glaring. Then launched into how his brother breaks everything, how its not fair that I keep things fair. He’s older, he should get more! D has a Wii! D breaks everything! Christmas always sucks because you get us the same things!
My husband stepped in. He said “Dude, your mom is a NUT when it comes to stuff being fair for you guys. Things HAVE to be even and fair. She won’t let it be any other way.” A just continued to glare at me. I pointed out that I guess he didn’t want a new xbox very badly if he wasn’t even willing to try to compromise with his brother about scheduling time for them both to be able to use it. This was the point he got mad, and went to his room, slamming doors and being pissy.
I was so angry at how much of a jerk he was being. Who does he think he is? Why should he get any MORE than anyone else? His dad likes to blame D for his misery. “He never calls me. Its so sad, he’s replaced me. He doesn’t ever want to talk to me.” This is what he tells A. So, I guess A thinks its fair game to blame D for everything? Is my son actually becoming a narcissistic asshole like his father?
Later, while I was cooking dinner, (eggplant, which A does not like, and since I know this, i had other food on hand to offer him for dinner to keep him from bitching about it….AND I only do this with eggplant because he’s tried it every time I’ve made it and just doesn’t like it) he came out and started playing with the dog. He asked what was for dinner. I told him, then quickly launched into the other options that were for him. He asked if instead of putting all the sausage into the sauce, if I’d save a couple out for him, and he’d eat that. I said sure. Then I told him about the ice cream i’d picked up at his request. I’d asked what kind, he said “IDK, (Yeah, he said the letters) just not chocolate.” I presented him with a flavor that got me TWO “thank yous”. Then he poked around, got a snack and went back to his room.
Without saying it, he seemed to be trying to clear the air.
The next morning, he brought the xbox out to the table, got me and husband to help him take it apart, and ultimately decided it could not be fixed. I explained to him that blaming his brother for crap was NOT ok, that being a jerk, thinking your entitled, thinking things are going to be anything but fair, is just crazy. I left it at that and went to my room.
15 minutes later I hear the brothers talking, and compromising.
They both got dressed, shoes on, were happy, not fighting about how sat in front, we bought a refurbished xbox. We went to lunch. We came home and ate lasagna and strawberry shortcake and watched football. The kids played xbox.
I guess sometimes teenage boys are just jerks, maybe that doesn’t mean that he’s terrible like his father, or that I’ve done something terribly wrong. It all seemed to work out ok. At least I stopped feeling like the worst parent ever.
Looking Forward 