We wait.
I’ve not been writing much here lately. I am overwhelmed and have no idea where to even start. I told Melanie I wanted to write for a her blog about kids being part of an abusive marriage, the transitions for them once there is a divorce, and adjusting to having to deal with, on their own, the other parent. And when the other parent continues to be abusive, just in a way that the kids can’t really understand, how that effects them, their siblings and the rest of their family.
Unfortunately, I can’t seem to get my thoughts in order. All the stupid shit I put up with, and overlooked and made excuses for, is all rushing back in a tsunami of ‘what the fuck were you thinking’ and I can’t seem to put together an coherent thought.
The last week or two have been a blur. A has been distant and sullen and quiet. He wasn’t like that before he spent 2 weeks with his father. D has been doing alright, but has been slacking in school. At a dentist appt last week we found out D has some cavities. Yesterday he had them filled. A couldn’t wait to tattle when he saw his dad on facebook. “D has cavities, he had to have them filled.” Its all he has in common with his dad. A distaste for me and his brother.
Meanwhile, I was attempting to make counseling appts for the kids with a new guy now that we have new insurance and a recommendation from our lawyer. And like a normal person, I include X.
X,
Due to your issue with __________ for counseling, we are going to use Dr. __________ instead. I will be making an appointment for D this week, and will also make one for A based on your preference for taking him either Mondays or Tuesdays. Please let me know as soon as possible what day and time work best for you.
_____________________________________________
His response was crazy, as I suppose I should have expected:
_____________________________________________
Is there a reason you chose to wait until I was away at graduation to attempt to schedule these appointments when I have been requesting all along that you do so?
I asked numerous times for clarification regarding the insurance that they had, but was not given the access/permission that appears necessary to schedule appointments based on my discussions with the state. Additionally, and so there is no confusion on the part of anyone, the last counselor you used was closely affiliated with your place of employment, had somewhat limited time seeing and developing a relationship with the children in the past, and had a number of scheduling conflicts with mine – for those reasons I believed using him was not a proper choice.
I am not familiar with this new doctor and until I am, I am not consenting to using this person for either child. This doctor may be fantastic and highly skilled, but you are making major medical decisions again without my consent and without consulting me prior to doing so. A current visitation schedule for D would seem appropriate prior to me accepting any such counselor appointment schedule in the future.
I was under the impression you had no concerns and that was why you had not enrolled them in counseling prior to me asking, If you care to share the specific concerns you have with each child I will gladly discuss mine. It would certainly make any initial discussions with Dr._______ or any other potential counselor more fruitful prior to scheduling the children for counseling.
I will continue to be open to hearing any suggestions that you may have should you be interested in discussing a realistic and meaningful visitation schedule that is in the best interests of D and affords me at least the 50% custody that we previously agreed to.
__________________________________________________
Since X decided that he “does not consent” to this person, simply because he did not choose him, my lawyer said that we need to wait now to schedule, at least until our pre-trail hearing.
So. We wait.
I’m so tired. Exhausted. I feel like I can’t keep my kids safe from their father. I can’t stop the abuse that happens, I can’t stop him from seeing his kids, and I can’t make A understand that you don’t have to be angry with me in order to see your dad. Its ok to want to see dad, and still want to see me too. But dad doesn’t see it that way.
I have been told by strangers, by my best friend, and by my lawyer that A wants to please his dad. He plays the game and can be outwardly disrespectful, rude and mean to me because he knows my love is unconditional. He knows I won’t leave him. He doesn’t think that is true about his dad. If he disagrees with dad, dad will leave. Dad won’t love him. Dad won’t have any use for him. This has been proven by dad’s relationship with D. This is why the boys need to have someone else to talk to about how to handle this shit. But instead, we have to wait.
Looking Forward 